by Sarah Tork
I took a deep breath and slowly turned back to look her in the eyes. She was waiting with her arms still crossed, looking like she could wait all day. I scanned the room for any stragglers. The entire class, including our History teacher Ms. Lady, was gone.
“I’m sorry,” I quietly said. I sounded ashamed.
She dropped her arms before spreading them wide, palms open. Confused. “What?”
“You’re right, I have been holding out on you,” I explained nervously. In the pit of my stomach, butterflies began playing tag with one another. I was beginning to feel sick.
I inhaled a long breath.
“I’ve been kind of…this is weird…I don’t even know how to explain it…”
Jenna shook her head impatiently and ordered, “Just start from the beginning.”
I took another much needed breath and spilled my guts about the last month. As I explained, her eyes grew wider and her mouth kept lowering in shock – probably at my stupidity.
“Wait a freaking minute!” Jenna spat, holding out her hands to emphasize her need for me to stop.
Here it comes. World war-style beat down, Jenna-style. I leaned back, sitting on my desk, holding the edges for support as she prepared to lay into me.
“No! Annabelle, tell me you’re lying,” she cried, looking horrified. She folded her arms across her chest again and shook her head at me.
“I’m weak,” I said quietly.
“No shit!” She was looking at me like I was a fool.
“I don’t know what I can do. It’s like every time I see him, I want to be strong and shove his charms back up his ass,” I explained, staring at the ground. “But he just doesn’t leave me alone. He wears me down, telling me things that make everything shitty he’s done seem not so bad and I become a quivering, hopeless romantic that doesn’t give two shits about pride.”
Jenna remained still, her mouth open in shock at my candor. I inhaled a long breath; I needed the oxygen badly.
“I don’t know… I don’t know… I don’t know,” I whispered to myself.
“Do you…like him?”
Honestly? I thought before answering. My body knew the answer before my mind did. My mind tried debating the pros and cons of liking him, but my body told my brain to shut the hell up and stop bullshitting.
“Yes,” I whispered pathetically, practically whimpering.
Jesus! Hello Lovesick Hotline, I have issues that are desperately in need of your services! I felt ashamed for liking him because he didn’t deserve to be liked.
“Well…shit!” Jenna muttered to herself. She shook her head at the ground before looking back up at me. “I didn’t figure you to be one of those girls that liked the asshole types.”
She gazed at me warily, as if seeing me for the first time. I shook my head at her reaction.
“I don’t like asshole types!” I urged desperately.
“He’s an asshole and you like him,” she said, simply. It was what it was.
“Damn it!” I sputtered. “I’m so messed up.”
“No. No, you’re not.” She grabbed onto my shoulders and gave me a gentle shake. The humor had reached her eyes again. “You’re just a little bit stupid. Don’t worry, this too shall pass.”
She tightened her grip on my shoulders before commanding, “Deep breaths!”
I did as she commanded and took deep, slow breaths.
“No more! I repeat, no more! James will no longer be getting a little something-something from Annabelle! Repeat!” she commanded, holding my shoulders tighter.
“‘James will no longer be getting a little something-something from Annabelle!’” I repeated, feeling myself return to normal.
“James’s days in Annabelle’s love garden are over! Repeat!”
“‘James’s days in Annabelle’s…love garden?…are over!” I repeated, breaking out into a huge grin. Jenna and her phrases.
My friend! The thought warmed my heart. I was so freaking lucky to have a good best friend like her.
“And last, but not least, I repeat and you don’t have to… If James and his small baby cousin don’t treat you with respect from now on – Now on! Like right from this point… No, from the time you left the library – he will cease to exist for you! Understood?” Jenna demanded sternly.
I straightened my back and saluted her. “Yes, drill sergeant!”
She grabbed me from behind and walked forward, pushing me along. “Now, let’s get the hell out of here, empty classrooms give me the creeps.”
I laughed and let her push me out the door.
I felt much better.
*~*~*
I need to pee!
I shut my locker. Jenna was draped over the locker next to mine.
I turned to her. “Washroom?”
“I don’t need to but don’t worry I’m going to stand guard outside your stall in case any assholes try to sweep in and confuse you when you least expect it. You know, ’cause it happened so many times before.” She managed to keep her face serious for a second before smirking.
I shook my head and led the way towards the bathrooms. I felt her hands push on my shoulders.
“Just making sure you don’t detour, you know, with you being all up and down,” she pointed out as she led from behind.
“You’re never going to let me forget, are you?” I muttered, letting her push me.
“No, not for a while. Besides, I’m having too much fun poking fun at your dumb-ass mistakes!”
“What’s ‘a while’?” I asked her apprehensively. I hoped her answer wouldn’t be when we turned old and gray.
“I’m thinking your wedding day.”
“Gee, I don’t know whether I should say thank you for not milking this ’til we’re eighty or to shove you for being a heartless, unsympathetic bitch.” My voice was hesitant as we walked into the washroom.
“Bitch!” Jenna exclaimed, marching up to the mirror.
I chose the stall farthest from the door as Jenna fluffed her hair in front of the mirror.
“There’s no practice today, thank God! You want to go to my house?” she asked through the door.
“Okay,” I told her as I zipped up my pants.
The washroom door opened with a bang and a stampede of excited heels came clicking in. I waited to open the stall door.
“Hey Jenna!” an abundance of sugar-sweet voices exuded as their footsteps came to a halt. They were probably in front of the mirror, alongside Jenna, checking their hair and makeup.
“Oh – Hey, Latisha,” Jenna said hesitantly.
I let out a sigh of relief; it was only Latisha, she was on the swim team with Jenna.
“Sidney, Donna. How’s everything?” Jenna continued.
Donna! I began to tense up. I’d forgotten that Latisha was good friends with Donna and the rest of her hot chick crew. I leaned my back against the door and closed my eyes in frustration, why did this girl have to use the bathroom every time I did? It was annoying! Now I’d have to stay in my stall until they left, or else face a row of reflected glares at my unannounced presence, making things very awkward.
Hurry up, please!
“We’re buzzin’,” One of them slurred ridiculously as if she were drunk. Was it Latisha? “Back to school party at Peter’s tonight! Are you going?”
“Peter’s parties are kur-azy!” another one exclaimed excitedly.
Neither voice was Donna’s – I could recognize that girl’s voice from a million others; there was a certain…whore-ish tone that always accompanied her valley girl accent.
“Nah, I’m still exhausted from training so much this past week,” Jenna explained nonchalantly.
“I’m tired too, but there’s no way I’m missing tonight,” Latisha enthused, bordering on cheerleader-level pep. “It’s going to be killer!”
Why is that bitch not speaking? I fumed against the door, careful not to make any noise. Even Jenna knew not to announce me in front of them, knowing the glares I’d receive from Donna.
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“I wouldn’t miss tonight for anything,” Donna said.
There’s the snake, finally out of hiding!
“How so? Is there something special happening at the party?” Jenna sneakily asked.
“You could say that!” Donna sung. I heard her pucker her lips; it made me feel ill, puke-worthy.
“Well? Spill!” Jenna urged.
Jenna! What are you doing? An anxiety bubble began growing inside my stomach at the assumption of what had Donna all excited.
Please! Let it not be what I think it is! I prayed silently.
“James,” She sighed.
No!
“James? Who’s that? I don’t think I’ve met him yet,” Jenna lied, playing stupid. She may not have met him officially, but she’d see him soon enough in the hallways or in the cafeteria.
“James Lawson!” Donna purred.
“So hot!” Latisha sighed.
“Tall, dark, and incredibly built,” Sydney whispered as if it were hot gossip to be kept on the down low.
God help me now!
“James Lawson,” Jenna repeated.
“My future boyfriend,” Donna declared with determination.
No!
“Wow, well I guess you’ve got a plan to make him yours?” Jenna asked her.
I didn’t know what she was thinking, but I knew the calm tone to her voice was a lie. She was my best friend and she didn’t like it when I got upset; I was upset, really upset.
She’s trying to get some answers out of them, I assumed silently.
“You got that right,” Donna answered seductively.
Oh my God! What’s with the slut voice? I felt the beginnings of a world-class headache on its way as I tried to decipher the meaning behind her tone. Did she plan to use her assets to claim James officially?
I hope not!
“Oh yeah, how?” Jenna asked.
“That’s my little secret,” Donna replied coyly. The sound of her bubbly princess-style giggles were enough to make me want to throw up. Thank God I was trapped in a stall with a perfectly working toilet.
Jenna laughed like she got it – only I could tell it was fake.
“Okay, whatever you say, girl,” she replied, replicating the crew’s enthusiasm. “So, when did you guys find out about this party?”
“Peter told everyone at lunch,” Latisha responded.
Peter was sitting across from James! James knew about this party before our library session! I was getting too hot.
“James said he was going right?” Jenna asked, faking concern.
I didn’t know how much more of this I could take!
I wiped sweat off my forehead.
“Yeah! He and the guys were like so excited when Peter announced it,” Donna exclaimed joyously.
“That’s good, at least you know he’s going to be there like for sure!” Jenna replied.
A bubbling feeling began to cause me discomfort as I waited for Donna to answer. A large gurgled noise rose out of my stomach, loud enough for everyone in the washroom to hear.
“What was that?” Sydney burst out laughing.
“Ew!” Donna muttered.
“Yeah,” Jenna agreed, matching their tones.
“Let’s go before whoever it is stinks up the entire bathroom,” Donna said.
I heard their shoes click against the hard ground and the door open.
“Jenna, you coming?” Latisha asked.
“I’ve got to use the bathroom, you guys go ahead,” She explained, marching up to one of the stalls.
“Okay, later girl!” Latisha shouted as she exited.
“Bye!” Jenna called as she went into the stall.
The door closed and the washroom went completely silent for a few seconds. It was so quiet I could hear my own breathing
“Anna?” Jenna whispered from inside her stall. I heard her walk out of her stall and over to mine.
“Coast is clear,” she said to the door.
I unlocked the door and opened it. I blinked at the sight of Jenna’s worried face as she scanned me from head to toe. I walked stoically to the closest sink and turned on the tap. I washed my hands in silence as I checked my reflection. My cheeks were slightly flushed, but other than that I looked better than the nervous wreck I was inside.
Donna and James! The thought was replaying over and over in my mind. I imagined them in tight embrace at Peter’s party, hidden away in one of the bedrooms.
“Anna, your hands are shaking!” Jenna was suddenly beside me. How’d she get there? I didn’t even hear her footsteps.
I was out of it!
I turned off the tap and dried my hands with a paper towel.
All in silence.
Jenna grabbed me by the shoulders as I threw the paper towel in the garbage.
“Dude, you need to calm down,” She ordered, her voice soothing. “Deep breaths.”
Deep breaths.
I obeyed.
“I’m okay,” I muttered to her.
“Did he tell you in the library?” Jenna interrogated. So much for calm and soothing, she was in drill sergeant mode now. “Did he tell you about the party at Peter’s tonight?”
I stared wide-eyed at her and shook my head. Her eyes narrowed at my response as her lips tightened.
She’s pissed!
“So he tells you he likes you, follows you like a little puppy dog to the library, then makes out with you whilst you were on his lap, and he didn’t tell you about the party?!”
“No,” I mumbled depressingly. I felt wetness at the corner of my eyes as a lump grew in the base of my throat.
Don’t you cry! I ordered myself as I tried to choke back the tears. I was a joke, a stupid naïve little girl who let herself be played like a fiddle. Even after he’d ignored me for two weeks after kissing me in his bed, it had not taken him long to get me right back in that position.
I had no backbone. I was weak, a failure, a pathetic groupie who thought she had a shot when, in fact, she was just a matter of convenience for him.
“No!” Jenna ordered, seeing my eyes well up.
My lip clenched but the ripples were too strong for me to contain. A small whimper escaped as a tear rolled down my face.
“I’m sorry, I’m an idiot!” I exploded as a puddle of tears slid down my face, racing to my chin.
Jenna pulled me into a tight hug.
“Don’t cry, Anna. Don’t!” she ordered, her voice clearly upset. “Don’t cry over that D-bag, he’s a piece of crap liar!”
I rested my head on to her shoulder as she took a step back to look me in the eyes.
But I couldn’t look at her.
Chapter 13
ANNABELLE
Food!
I salivated in front of a row of chips as my sweaty body basked in the air-conditioned bliss of a 7-Eleven.
An hour at Jenna’s hadn’t helped nearly as much as she’d hoped.
One, I was starving and I hadn’t eaten anything there.
Two, and most importantly, I was a zombie that refused to indulge in feelings that were safely locked away and hidden – I’d open that safe later, in the privacy of my room, hoping my tears wouldn’t ruin what was left of my psyche.
But, for now, I was a zombie on a mission. While stupid James and his slut-slave Donna danced away at Peter’s party tonight, I would indulge in the most massive junk food binge of my life.
Operation junk food: Commence!
I had grabbed a basket from the front before trailing towards the junk food aisle of the store. I planned to fill it up. My hands automatically answered the call of junk food and grabbed a few bags of chips along with some candy bars. The next stop, possibly the most important, was the sliding fridge. I grabbed four cans of regular pop and neatly lined them in the basket so that they wouldn’t trample the candy bars and chips.
The calorie-count in all of this was going to be in the thousands – I didn’t care. I was eating all of it. Tonight. I wanted there to be smudges of chocolat
e all over my mouth as I slept. I wanted to sleep on smashed pieces of chips that failed to make it into my mouth. I wanted to wake up tomorrow morning with a toothache so painful it’d make me forget about today.
I could only hope.
I made my way to the counter to pay, and along the way my hand grabbed a small bag of kettle popcorn that was on sale and a small bag of Cracker Jacks.
I decided I needed those too.
I brought my overflowing basket to the cashier and handed over some money. I placed everything into my backpack with care, placing the heavier items on the bottom. Since the first day back this year had fallen on a Friday, there was no homework so my bag was practically empty except for my doodle notebook.
The automatic sliding doors opened as new customers walked in. I hoisted my backpack onto my shoulders, preparing to make the trip home a quick one because it was especially hot today and I needed to get home before my chocolates melted and my drinks got warm. I hated warm pop. I couldn’t drink them at that temperature and, if that happened, it would be very bad.
With how things had been going so far, one more disappointment would be the tipping point in my psychological meltdown. I made a safe bet when I placed all my happiness cards in the instant satisfaction of cheap junk food.
The sliding doors opened for me and I speed walked home, careful not to shake my bag too much so the cans of pop wouldn’t explode when I opened them. I wanted to drink it, not bathe in it.
I quietly opened the front door as I slid out my key from the lock, careful not to make noise. I wanted one thing and that was to make it to my room as fast as possible.
“Annabelle? Is that you?” Mom called from the basement.
I let out a sigh at my failure and closed the door behind me. The floorboards rumbled as I kicked off my shoes. I tightened my hold on the straps of my backpack. My treasure was safe in there as long as I kept it close to my body; as long as my bag was on my back, she couldn’t unzip it and explore.
That would be rude.
“Annabelle? Why didn’t you answer?” Mom asked from the hallway.
I looked up as she entered the foyer. “I’m just tired,” I responded exhaustedly.
“How was your first day? Senior year!”
“It was fine. Nothing special.” I shrugged and turned to the stairs, “I’m going to my room.”
“Wait! Annabelle, darling, about the shirt.” Mom narrowed her eyes and shook her head. “It’s a lovely color but the way it’s fallen over your sweaty frame…it looks like it’s been painted on. Darling…no.”
