Midget with a Chainsaw

by Derek Slaton

  “Goddamn right!” TnT cried, revving the chainsaw, and she glanced down at him with a stern expression in her hard eyes.

  “What? Only if you were fanged.” He shrugged, and she continued to stare at him. “Oh come on, you know you’d do the same to me if I were a vamp.”

  “I might do it to you anyway,” she retorted.

  “Save the foreplay for later babe, we got work to do.” He winked at her and she rolled her eyes. Kyran cleared his throat in irritation.

  “Very well then,” he cut in loudly. “I gave you an opportunity to be immortal and you turned me down. Now I shall take what I want and leave you to rot as you wish. As for you little man, you will watch as I do this, and then stand at my feet for centuries to come.”

  TnT squared his shoulders and revved the chainsaw again. “Bring it, bitch!” he bellowed. Rose fired immediately, but Kyran whooshed out of the way at lightning speed. He was far quicker than anything they’d ever faced, and he wasn’t holding back. He appeared behind TnT, grabbing him by the back of his shirt to whip him aside like a rag doll.

  Rose fired again with a frustrated grunt as the Ancient vampire dodged once again.

  “Get back!” the midget roared, and swung his bladed chain around like a skip-it of death, catching Kyran’s leg. The vampire stumbled for a split second, and Rose took her shot, catching him in the shoulder.

  The Holy Smoke erupted in his shoulder with a little mushroom cloud of blue haze. Pain sizzled inside of Kyran’s collarbone and he screamed, the shock of feeling pain for the first time in at least a century smacking into him like a tidal wave. He grasped his knee and ripped his leg across the calf with a squelching crunch. Rose shot two more times as he leapt from the room, diving out the door and through the hole that TnT had sprung up from earlier.

  The midget in question retracted his chain and tossed aside the mangled foot.

  “How many you got?” He asked.

  “Two shots,” Rose replied as she slammed the last two shells into the chamber with a sharp clack.

  “You go down the stairs, I’ll take the fast route,” TnT instructed, raising the chainsaw. “Hopefully he’s slowed enough and we can flank him.” She nodded in reply and they darted out the door, her barreling down the stairs as he skidded to the edge of the hole in the next room.

  Kyran had discovered a severed hand from one of his fallen comrades, and shoved his exposed leg bone into the gaping wrist.

  “That’s new,” TnT muttered at the brand new leg-hand, and then jumped. The chainsaw screamed as the midget bore down on top of Kyran, and the Ancient vampire reached up to protect himself. He caught TnT with his left hand and the blade with his right, the latter chewed up spectacularly by the spinning apparatus.

  With a scream of frustration, Kyran whipped the midget across the room, kicking the saw in the other direction where it clattered to the floor, losing power. TnT groaned as he crumpled to the floor, forcing his sore body back to his feet just in time to see Kyran jam his shredded wrist into the neck hole of a nearby vamp head.

  “What the actual fuck?” the midget exclaimed as the newly reanimated head snarled and tried to bite the air.

  “Desperate times, my future servant.” Kyran sneered. “Desperate times.” He lunged forward, pushing off with his hand/foot, and TnT reached up to catch the vampire head hand with the gauntlet. Strong teeth gnawed on steel blades, but neither gave up as they pushed back and forth in a gruesome arm wrestle.

  A shotgun blast rang through the air, and Kyran shrieked in pain again, back arching from the blessed bullet that found its mark in his spine. Rose fired again, but the Ancient vampire managed to dodge the headshot, taking the Holy Smoke in his good leg, blowing it right off of his body. Still he didn’t give up, pulling himself towards her with his actual hand and his leg hand, and Rose raised the empty shotgun to bring it down on his head.

  TnT lashed out with his bladed chain and caught the vampire head hand with it, pulling it back to hold it in place.

  “You got your phone?” He asked, and Rose raised an eyebrow.

  “What?” she asked.

  “Your phone? Take a picture of this shit.” He grinned. “I need a new Agency profile pic.” The redhead shook her head in disgust, and slipped the UV syringe from the back of her belt, stabbing Kyran in the back of the neck. He screamed in frustration and pain as the liquid sunlight permeated his body, and then finally went limp.

  TnT dropped the head/hand with a huff. “Man, you are just no fuckin’ fun at all.”

  “Well excuse me for wanting to finish off the asshole that wanted to rape a vampire spawn into me before posing for pictures,” Rose snapped.

  “Wait, you mean you’ll take my photo now?” He grinned.

  “Ugh.” She sighed. “Fine, you get one pose then we gotta get him back to base before the UV wears off.”

  “That’s my girl!” The midget punched the air happily.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The duo dragged Kyran’s limp body out of the house in a garbage bag. Rose reached the trunk first, and popped it open to see George mumbling muffled obscenities through his gag. She pulled the fabric from his mouth in amusement and he scowled at her.

  “You goddamn motherfuckin’ cuntwagon!” he cried. “I’m gonna rip your fuckin’ throat out and shit down your esophagus!” The agents blinked at him, and then glanced at each other.

  “Given he doesn’t have an ass anymore, I’m guessing that’s an idle threat,” TnT spoke up, a lazy grin crossing his features.

  “What should we do with him?” Rose asked.

  “Do you really want to drive four hundred miles with him banging his head against the trunk?” The midget motioned to their mangled prisoner of war with a raised eyebrow.

  “That’s a good point,” she acquiesced, and grabbed George by the hair.

  “Whoa, wait, what are you doing?!” he cried.

  “Sorry bud, this is where we part ways,” Rose replied, and dragged him along the hot tarmac to a nearby tree. The blisters on his skin from his tanning session protected him from the brief stint in the sun, but he still wasn’t impressed as she planted the two by four into the dirt.

  “Oh, come the fuck on!” He wiggled on his stick, looking the part of a grim scarecrow.

  “Well, I was going to just kill you and be done with it,” Rose said pertly, hands on her hips, “but you called me a cuntwagon. So I’m going to leave you here to think about what you’ve done. I figure you have about an hour or so until the sun gets low enough to fry your foul mouthed ass.” She jabbed her thumb over her shoulder towards the west.

  “Oh please.” George rolled his eyes. “You are a beautiful flower that no man would ever be good enough for.”

  “Why thank you, I’m very aware of that.” She smiled cruelly. “Now enjoy your last hour on earth.”

  “Fuck you!” he screamed, spittle flying from his dried and cracked mouth. “I swear I’m going to survive this and fuckin’ get you! You and your little fuckin’ half-pint fuckin’ cocksucker!” Rose sashayed back over to the car, swiping her hands across each other as if you wash her hands of the situation. TnT heaved the garbage bag into the newly vacated trunk, and the redhead slammed the door shut, hopping up onto it with effortless grace.

  The midget dialed his phone and leaned casually on the car, as if there wasn’t an impaled vampire torso still screaming obscenities just across the street.

  “Yo, Baptiste, it’s TnT,” he greeted. “Hey man, we got the package in tow and are about to hit the road.”

  “That is fantastic news,” Baptiste replied. “How is Miss Rose?”

  “Feisty as ever,” TnT admitted. “Just planted half a vamp in the ground like a fuckin’ scarecrow.”

  “I…” the attache paused. “I don’t know what to do with that information.”

  “Don’t worry kid,” the midget said, “you’ll get the hang of things before you know it.” He waved a hand dismissively as if they were within sight of each other.<
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  “There’s a reason I’m not in the field, sir,” came the reply.

  “So, what’s the plan with Kyran the Ancient?” TnT changed the subject, knowing that they were short on time. “You want us to bring him back to base?”

  “I am going to dispatch a transfer team that will meet you halfway.” Baptiste regained his professional composure. “I’ll send you the coordinates. They’ll take him off your hands, put him in a special containment facility where we can keep him paralyzed indefinitely.”

  “That’s probably a good thing, since he wasn’t able to blow his wad.” The midget shook his head, pursing his lips in sympathy. “He ever gets mobile again and he’s going to go on the rampage to end all rampages.”

  “Don’t worry Sir, our new facility is top of the line and is capable of holding things much, much worse than him,” the young man promised, and TnT’s eyebrows shot to the sky.

  “Oh great, so there are worse things than Ancient Immortal Rapist Vampires that can use dismembered heads as hands?” he asked sarcastically, and Rose scoffed.

  “You’ve won the day sir,” Baptiste said firmly, “worry about those things another time.”

  “That doesn’t sound fuckin’ ominous at all.” TnT’s voice continued to drip with sarcasm, and he rubbed his forehead.

  “Travel safe, Sir,” the attache concluded. “Please give my regards to Miss Rose.”

  “A pleasure as always, Baptiste.” TnT ended the call and sighed heavily, turning to his red haired companion.

  “Well, George is taken care of,” she said lightly as she slid from the car, hopping over to the passengers side.

  “Pretty sure you made the right call with him,” he replied as he got into the driver’s seat. The engine roared to life and he grinned. He’d never get sick of this puppy.

  “Agreed.” Rose nodded, and clicked her seatbelt into place, rolling her head to blink her big round eyes at him. “Well, you ready to hit the road?”

  TnT grinned, and threw the car into gear. “Let’s do it, babe.”

  END