by Mackenzy Fox
“I…” she begins. “I just don’t know, I might not be coming back for a while.”
I stare at her, perplexed, almost like she’s joking, but we’re definitely not role-playing anymore.
“What?”
“Steel, I have to get back… I’m sorry this is so rushed, but my mom needs me.”
“Okay, I can come with you if you want, nothin’ pressing here that can’t wait.”
“No,” she says firmly, “this is something I should do alone.”
I scratch my head. “Babe?”
“This realization has brought some things to the forefront, I thought I could do it but I can’t right now, I’m rushing in too fast, this is all going too fast, I need some time to breathe.” She tells me.
We made love like less than five hours ago and she enjoyed every fucking minute of it, she begged me not to stop, that I remember well, to say I’m as confused as hell is an understatement.
“Just calm down,” I tell her, “we can talk this through; you don’t have to go for good.”
She turns to look at me. “The truth is, I don’t know if I can do this, Steel,” her voice shakes.
I stare at her unseeing.
“But what about your job, what about… us?”
It sounds like she’s never coming back. Shit, is she never coming back?
I’m actually speechless; I don’t understand what’s happening.
“I have to go,” she says eventually, her eyes on the floor. She can’t even answer a simple question.
I stare at her, dumbfounded, as she tries to get around me.
“What do you mean?”
She breathes a long, low sigh, tears in her eyes. “Us, I can’t, I’m sorry, it’s bringing up some shit I have to deal with and I can’t do this right now.”
“What’s changed all of a sudden?” I ask her quietly. “Why are you shaking?”
I have suspicion in my gut and that’s never good.
She doesn’t answer; she just stares at her feet. Her behavior is so strange, it’s like a different person has overtaken her body. This isn’t the girl I’ve been getting to know for over a month and it’s scaring the hell out of me.
“First signs of trouble back home and off you run?”
“It’s not like that.”
“Then explain to me exactly how it is, Sienna.”
“It’s complicated…”
“I don’t understand, do you need more time? We can take things slower.”
“It’s not that.”
“You just said it was exactly that, we’re going too fast,” I laugh without humor, “is your mom even sick?”
She stares at the floor as I rake my hands through my hair, and again, she doesn’t answer. It’s a lie.
What the hell has happened in the last few hours?
Maybe she has actually realized she’s slumming it with me.
“I’m sorry, Steel, I thought I could do this but I just can’t, I need some time. I’m homesick.”
“Homesick?” I scoff. She doesn’t even like home. “You never even talk about ‘home’.”
She knows that’s true. She pushes past me.
“So, that’s it?” I say after her. “You’re going? No discussion, no nothing? You’re just gonna walk out?”
“I need to think,” she yells back. She’s frantic to get away from me.
“Answer me!” I bark at her.
She dashes off, her hand over her mouth, stifling a sob.
I watch as she makes it out to the driveway, gets in her car, and takes off gunning the engine. I stand there in disbelief.
What the actual fuck?
I stare after her in complete shock. What the hell just happened?
I don’t waste any time, I jump on my sled in the garage and race off after her. Yeah, it’s probably not what she wants but who cares. I ride fast and take the shortcut but she’s already parked in the car park behind the Stone Crow when I pull up, I make my way to the back door which she hasn’t even bothered locking.
I take the stairs two at a time and barge into her room without knocking.
She turns to look at me, but then turns right back to what she’s doing—packing. Her mascara has run down her face from crying.
There’s stuff strewn all over the bed, I stare at her clothes trying to make sense of what she’s doing.
I watch her, unsure of what’s really going on. Has she just lost her mind or is she in actual trouble?
“What are you doing?” I ask in a low voice.
“What does it look like?”
I move closer to her but still keep some distance. “What did I do?” I ask quietly. “Why are you doing this?”
She laughs without humor. “You did nothing, Steel, nothing at all,” she stops and turns to face me, “you’re perfect, you’re a good man, a decent man, I’m falling for you… I am and I don’t want that, it’s not your fault, none of it is.”
I stand behind her. “We made love last night; everything was great, you were happy…”
“I thought I was alright,” she says, her words are careful, “but getting that call from my mom has brought it all into reality. She needs me, Steel, and I can’t be here and be there as well, at least not right now.”
“I need you too.”
Fuck. She’s always made me weak but this is an all-time low for me, does she want me to get down on my knees and beg?
“Steel, I’m sorry…”
I let out a low breath. “You know you can tell me anything.”
She turns back to her task, just throwing stuff in the suitcase with no care. I stare at her back, the adrenaline coursing through me.
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Fuck that, there are things to say, you can’t just go.” I fling my arms out to nowhere, is she gonna actually go through with this nonsense? Running away, this is what she’s good at. This is what she knows, but it doesn’t have to be like that with me. I know I can make her happy.
“I have to…”
“You’re running, Sienna, just admit it.”
My mind ticks to the last few days, hell, the last few weeks, of absolute bliss we’ve shared, laughing, joking, cuddling, kissing, the sex… no, something is not right, she’s acting like a crazy person.
“If it’s time you need…” I go on, I know I sound pathetic.
“Please, Steel,” she says, her words are strangled, “don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
I glare at her back. “This is fucked,” I mutter, “and you know it.”
She spins on me. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say, please try to understand.” She even sounds like she genuinely means it, the tears well in her eyes.
She doesn’t want me, why doesn’t she just come out and say it?
I’m not good enough. I could have told her that.
“Yeah, you keep saying that but something just doesn’t add up. One minute, you’re all over me like a rash, telling me sweet nothing’s makin’ it seem like you wanna stay here and make a life together, then the next, your tellin’ me you have to go and you don’t want me anymore and are packing your bags, excuse me if I’m just a little bit fuckin’ confused about it.”
Tears leak from her eyes and she doesn’t even bother to wipe them.
“Just know this, I’ll never forget you, please don’t come looking for me, I need some time to get my head right, I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve anything good.”
I glare at her. What the fuck is she talking about? She’s rambling and making no sense.
My anger takes over.
“The old ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ trick, hey, was that your plan all along? Just have a good time and then take off? You could have told me that before I got too invested, I would have been happy to oblige with no strings attached, have a few wild nights and then say sayonara; now what am I supposed to do?”
My anger is palpable. I want to throw something, namely her suitcase, across the room.
>
There. You’ve fucking hurt me. She sees it on my face as her eyes drop again. Why can’t she look at me?
Her face is completely ashen. “I’ll call you when I get there.”
“Bullshit,” I say. “You’re doing what you always do, Sienna.”
She doesn’t even question me.
“Fucking this up on purpose, running away instead of facing things head-on, you know I can’t help you if I don’t know what the problem is, so screw me for even tryin’.”
Her eyes plead with me and it lurches at my gut.
“Tell me you don’t want me and I’ll believe you.”
I wait.
She looks at her feet again then back at my face. “Please, please just let me go.”
She can’t say it but I still step back like she’s burnt me. I was smart to be single all this time, why did I ever let her get this far under my skin? Why did I trust her?
Now I’m fucked.
“Well, I hope it was worth it,” I sneer. “The next time you plan on coming into someone’s life to just screw them over, maybe let the schmuck know first so he can prepare himself for the fallout before he develops feelings for you. Who knows, you may hold onto this long enough to destroy your next relationship. I thought I knew you, Sienna, but it turns out I don’t know anything about you, nothing at all.”
I can’t even look at her; this pain in my chest feels like I might have a heart attack. I turn as she calls my name, sobbing, but I can’t, she’s done enough, I slam the door behind me and head out downstairs without a backward glance.
Sienna
And just like that, he’s gone. I flop onto my bed and sob like there is no tomorrow, letting the tears and the pain flow freely. I may never be able to come up for air. Oh, God, it hurts.
I don’t know how long I do that for but when I’m done and I’m sure there’s nothing left, I curl up into a ball and rock myself for a while silently, I feel broken, like something inside of me has snapped and I’ll never get it back. He hates me now.
I should have told him, he could have helped, but I can’t, Ewan’s watching me, he has Cassidy. Oh, poor Cassidy, she’s tied up and he’s hurt her. I cry some more but I realize that is not going to help anybody, I have to get going. Even though the meeting isn’t until tonight, I have to get there as soon as possible, figure this out on the way. Sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to get Cassidy back.
I scoop up my toiletries, leaving half of it strewn across the floor and zip my case up in a flurry. In reality, I’ve no idea what I’m doing, I’m on autopilot.
I haven’t even told Stef. Jesus, what a mess. When I get to Cassidy, it will all be okay, I keep telling myself that but when I think about her tied up, I run back into the messy bathroom, open the toilet and throw up, heaving and crying and gasping for air.
Holy shit, I’m in some deep trouble.
I don’t know what to do but I have to do what he says. As long as he lets Cassidy go, I don’t care.
I clean myself up, shut the door and drag my case down the stairs, I half expect, or hope, Steel to be down there waiting and I can have an excuse to blurt it all out, but he isn’t.
No, I’ve hurt him enough, and now he never wants to see me again. I deserve to feel this pain after what I’ve put him through. His face, oh my God, his face will haunt me forever, seeing the confusion and the pain I just inflicted on him.
Just know I love you, Steel, I’m doing this so nobody else gets hurt. I have to fix this myself.
I hate myself but I have to be strong, I have to do what Ewan says and she won’t be hurt. He’ll let her go; I’ll reason with him, I know how he works.
I start the car, I need to get going. I stuff my case in the back seat and take off, leaving Bracken Ridge and everything else good in my life behind.
22
Steel
I can’t believe she’s left me.
I drive home in a blur, unable to think rationally as a million thoughts fly through my brain.
I drag myself upstairs to my apartment and take out the top-shelf whiskey, I unscrew the cap and take a large swig, then another, the sting momentarily soothes me, but I know it won’t last.
She left me.
She actually fucking left me.
What the actual fuck?
What have I missed? Weren’t we just in here hours ago, happy, worshipping one another? We told each other stuff, private stuff, things I’ve never told anybody. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that all happened and I didn’t imagine it.
Maybe she’s one of those crazies, women that get too attached then turn into some kind of nightmare for no apparent reason. If this morning’s display is anything to go by then maybe I’ve dodged a bullet. Who knows, next she might be boiling bunnies on the stove for Christ’s sakes.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I’m devastated, dumbstruck, goddamned confused, yeah all of the above. I sit at the breakfast bar and stare into space, letting the pound in my chest slowly simmer. I’ve never felt this pain in a long time and I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling weak. Only a fucking woman could bring me to my knees.
And not just any woman. Her.
I knew she was trouble when I first laid eyes on her, but did I listen to my own instincts? No, I goddamn didn’t. I just carried on like a love-sick puppy thinking this time it would be different.
Lola comes up next to me and I reach down to stroke her head. Rocky is asleep on the couch, unaware of my life falling spectacularly apart.
“It’s alright, girl,” I say to her, “it’s all gonna be okay, baby.” She nuzzles into my hand and whimpers, I can’t hide from her.
But it’s not gonna be okay. Sienna’s gone, she’s driving out of town now probably as we speak and I don’t even get a proper explanation. Here one minute, gone the next, like none of this even happened, like I meant nothing to her.
A thought hits me suddenly; I go with my gut and pull my phone out.
I dial Linc.
“Yo.”
“Do you ever sleep?” I mutter.
“Rarely,” he admits.
“I need a favor, a trace on this number,” I reel off Sienna’s mobile, “I need to see her last day or two’s phone call log as well as text messages sent to and from her, pronto.”
“Slick, that’s gonna take some doing.”
“Can it be done?”
“Of course, I just need a bit of time.”
“It’s urgent, bro, someone I care about could be in trouble.”
Hell, I don’t know what to think, this is just a hunch, but I trust my gut.
“Okay, man, I’m on it, I’ll get back to you in a few.”
“Appreciate it. I owe you.”
I end the call.
I sit and think and push the bottle away. Linc has always been able to trace anything, that’s what happens when you’ve got friends in low places.
Something is just not adding up though, I feel it in my bones.
Sienna went from looking at me adoringly to suddenly wanting to have nothing to do with me in five seconds flat, that’s not normal behavior, and if she really was so calculating, why was she so upset? Why did she have tears in her eyes and couldn’t look at me, that isn’t the normal response from someone who has no feelings or isn’t sure. She almost seemed heartbroken.
I run my hand through my hair in frustration. She couldn’t tell me she didn’t want me.
I flip my phone out and dial her number. It goes straight to message, I hang up.
There’s nothing else to do, she doesn’t want to see me, I have to let her go. Whatever her reasoning is, none of it makes any sense. If she wanted my help, she would have asked for it, not ran at the first sign of trouble.
I don’t know how long I sit there, and I don’t remember draining the rest of the bottle, but I crawl back into bed and hope that I wake and this is all a dream, it’s still early after all.
I have no idea what I’m gonna do now and there’s nobody he
re but the silence around me to give a shit.
The phone jolts me out of my thoughts; I’m still clutching it as it vibrates in my hand.
Linc’s name lights up the screen.
“Hey, bro.”
“Linc,” I murmur, lifting my head.
“Got a bead, brother, brace yourself though; you’re not gonna like it.”
I scratch my head, not liking this already. “Shit.”
“Sending now.”
I wait as he sends through a series of text messages, and one is a photo.
I scroll through, quickly scanning the messages, then open the photo.
It’s of a girl, she’s tied up with rope around a chair, a bandana seals her mouth shut and she looks terrified.
What the fuck is this?
I gape at it then read the messages properly; my heart begins to thud in my chest.
Oh, holy shit.
I read quickly.
This must be him. The ex-boyfriend. He’s threatening Sienna and he’s got this girl, Cassidy, as a hostage, and there’s an address.
I sit upright, suddenly more alert than I’ve ever been. Shit, she’s in some big-time trouble and I mean way over her head, now she’s heading there alone to some address in the wilderness? This guy is a psychopath.
I put my phone back to my ear.
“That’s some heavy shit,” I breathe, my mind is going a million miles an hour.
“Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up,” he agrees. “I’m tracking the number now, will try and get a trace, but you’ve got an address, brother.”
“Thanks, man, I’ll call you back in a few.”
I close my phone and shut my eyes.
I can’t believe he’s threatened her, and instead of coming to me, she’s running off to go and deal with this maniac by herself. Why would she do that?
I shake my head. I’m annoyed beyond belief that she’s done this, I feel the surge of anger rise up in me about her putting herself in danger to that madman, but also relieved that she didn’t want to do it, she didn’t want to go. It explains the weird behavior, why she was lying and couldn’t look at me. As if I can’t deal with this little motherfucker once and for all by myself. I could do it in my sleep. He has no idea who the fuck he’s messing with now.
