by Kelly Risser
***
Rain pelted the windows. Glad to be inside, we sat at the kitchen table eating leftover pizza. I felt a slight twinge of guilt that I hadn’t gone to the luncheon. I hoped my grandparents weren’t mad. That they would understand why I couldn’t possibly face everyone after the funeral and try to smile. It would have been torture.
I wore a t-shirt and yoga pants. Evan put his dress pants and shirt back on. I offered him one of my dad’s t-shirts, but he refused. He looked unbelievably sexy sitting there with his sleeves rolled up and his hair slightly rumpled. His bare feet were propped on the chair next to me. My heart skipped. I loved him so much. I couldn’t believe I ever doubted it.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked me, a small smile playing on his lips.
I felt my face grow warm. “You.”
“Good thoughts, I hope?” he teased. He twirled a strand of my hair on his finger and leaned in to kiss my nose. My eyes welled, and he noticed as he sat back.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Are you regretting it?”
I shook my head, unable to speak. How could I have tears left to cry? I grabbed a napkin and dried my eyes before I gave him weak smile. “I love you.”
He pulled me into his arms, resting his chin on my head. I listened to his heartbeat and smelled the spicy scent that was him. “I love you, too.”
We sat in silence for a while. Eventually, Evan stood and threw out our plates and empty soda cans. When he was done, he pulled me up and into his arms again. “It’ll work out, Meara.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad.”
The phone rang, and Evan looked at me. “Do you want me to answer?”
“No, I will.” I grabbed the phone off the counter. “Hello?”
“Meara! Thank goodness.” Grandma sounded upset. I mentally slapped myself for not calling her. “We got worried when you didn’t come to the Inn.”
“Sorry, Grandma.” Guilt tore through me, and my full stomach protested. “I should have called you.”
“Where’s your father?” she asked.
“He has a migraine. He’s sleeping,” I lied. I didn’t want her to worry or, worse, drive here. I assured her that I was okay, and that Evan and I just ate dinner. She seemed relieved and assured me that she wasn’t angry. She promised to let Lydia know that Evan was okay, too.
After the call, Evan and I moved to the living room. We sat on the couch and watched TV. I didn’t care what was on. It was comforting to rest my head on Evan’s chest and listen to his heart. It grew dark, and the storm ceased.
“You better get going,” I said. “It’s getting late.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone tonight,” he said.
“You want to stay?” I lifted my head and looked at him.
He leaned forward and kissed me. “Always.”
I gave Evan a pair of my dad’s sweatpants and a t-shirt. While he changed, I brushed my teeth and washed my face. He was already in bed when I returned, so I crawled in next to him.
“Goodnight,” I whispered.
He leaned forward and kissed me lightly. “Goodnight, Meara.”
I rolled over onto my side with my back to him. It was the only position I could fall asleep in. He pulled me back against him chest. His warmth penetrated my body and relaxed me. My eyes grew heavy and soon closed.
I woke several hours later. The house was dark. Evan’s hand rested on my stomach, and his breathing was deep and rhythmic. He was sound asleep.
I thought about the letter my dad gave me from my mom. Untucking myself from Evan’s arm, I slipped out of bed. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face, before padding down the hall to the front entranceway where my purse hung to get the letter.
I shivered at the slight chill in the air. Wrapping the throw from the back of the sofa around me, I turned on the end table lamp. Snuggling into the corner of the couch, I opened the letter and began to read.
Dearest Meara,
As you are reading this letter, I can safely assume that I’m no longer with you. Please know that I held on as long as I could but I am, after all, only human.
You know how very proud I am of you, but I wanted to tell you one more time so that you would never forget. You have become the young woman that I always hoped you would be. You are smart, loving, and kind. I am so proud to call you my daughter.
I have talked extensively with your father. He gave you this letter, and I know he has told you that he wants to take you with him to meet the rest of your Selkie family. I think you should go.
I know, I know, it’s convenient for me to say this now that I am gone, and I’d like to think that if this hadn’t happened, if I was healthy and still with you, I would eventually have said the same thing. I guess we’ll never know if that’s true or not.
It’s obvious how much you love Evan, and he loves you. I know that makes your decision harder. As your mother, I’ll advise you that true love waits. As a woman who has loved, lost, and loved again, I tell you to follow your heart. Only you know if your relationship can survive this.
You are half-Selkie. It’s a side of yourself that you’ve never known. I don’t want you to live your life afraid of what might or might not have been. Learn your lesson from me. I am not proud of keeping you from your father, nor proud of the fact that I was too weak to bear losing you. In the end, fear cost me much. I now realize my mistake. In denying David you, I also denied myself.
Know that, whatever your decision, you have my support and blessing.
With all my love,
Mom
Tears blurred my vision, running down my cheeks in fine little rivers to splash on the paper. I hastily wiped my eyes and placed the letter on the table to dry. I wasn’t about to ruin the last thing that my mother ever gave to me.
After folding the blanket and turning off the light, I walked down the hall and slipped back into bed. Evan stirred and rolled over, his back to me. I snuggled up behind him and wrapped my arm around him. He covered my hand with his own.
I tried to fall back asleep, but lay awake for several hours, my mind spinning. Should I move in with my grandparents and go to college? No. I loved my grandma and grandpa, but the idea of living with them without my mom there was not appealing. What about my dad and Ula? I didn’t understand the Selkie world, but it would be exciting to see new lands and meet family. A large family, Ula promised. I might even feel like I belonged.
Evan’s body rose and fell with each breath. He slept so peacefully. How could I leave him? If I went with my dad, would I ever see Evan again? Would he wait for me? A wave of hysteria bubbled up in my throat, and I choked on it. I buried my head in my pillow and cried myself to sleep.
