“That is Not boring. Charlie!” I laughed and playfully touched his arm, gently releasing him. “I can’t wait to hear more of your Boring tales!” I laughed and jokingly rolled my eyes, shaking my head. Hey, I was doing this. I was acting Normal. Thank You JESUS!
“And you, Cassandra?” I knew that we would get to this point, I’d actually started it, but I was still at a loss. Had I hoped that he would talk about himself the entire date? Clearly not, because that actually sounded more agonizing than talking about myself. But it didn’t mean that I was able, or willing, to tell Charlie all that much. I flashed to Rachel, then to Diane, and thought about what they knew about me outside of the context of why we knew each other. Safe topics, things we might have joked around about or used as descriptors if introducing the other to acquaintances.
“Not much to tell. Some of us are actually boring, Charlie,” I said somewhat teasingly. “Lived here my whole life, went to University out of high school…pretty much the predictable trajectory. I did take some time off from school, which is why I’m just starting back, but otherwise…” I trailed off, praying that he wouldn’t ask why I’d taken time off.
In that moment I knew, that while this fantasy of dating was one which I had toyed with and contemplated ad nauseam, there was no way that I was going to be able to be close and serious with Charlie. I just wasn’t at a point yet in my recovery where I could share that part of me with him, or most likely anyone for that matter, outside of my inner circle. And that part of me, was pretty much the main attraction for this demented amusement park that was my life. It was like no matter which path or detour you took, you found yourself criss-crossing and doubling back and ending up at the same place. All signs point to that.
So what was I doing? Why was I even going out with Charlie, if I already knew that this was a failed experiment? Because what if it wasn’t, Rachel whispered. What if it was, but I had at least allowed myself to give it my best shot, I’d at least experienced a night out with a cute guy who seemed to like me. Or maybe I’d find out that I didn’t even like him. That was always a possibility, I heard her point out. But I’d have made an attempt, I wouldn’t have to wonder, and hey, self-esteem always improved when people seemed to want to spend time with you.
Despite the split second of time that all of this internal warring lasted, I came to a conclusion: who cared? Who cared if it was a failure, or if Charlie decided that I wasn’t right for him? Who cared if I decided that maybe he wasn’t someone I could ever see myself with? And most importantly, who cared if we had a great time, maybe a few more dates, but nothing serious developed beyond that? I would have at least tried, and I would know that I had given a minor amount of effort in my attempt at achieving my goal of returning to society as a moderately readjusted human being.
And maybe I was internalizing Rachel too much, seeing as I had just had a split personality conversation with myself. But wasn’t that kind of the point of a therapist? It wasn’t like I was running out to do things because my dog had told me to. Yet. Good thing I didn’t have a dog. Maybe I should get a dog? Oh my god, the pressure of this date was getting to me.
“Cool. You’re very intriguing, Cassandra. I feel like I know so much about you, yet I can’t wait to learn more,” Charlie responded. This seemed like what I should want him to say. It seemed like what a girl would desire for a guy to express to her, so as to verify his interest, except we weren’t in a romance novel and I hadn’t exactly been my best PR in the time that I’d spent with Charlie. “I’m very intuitive, and my gut tells me that you have a lot to give to this world.” Ok. Charlie was weirding me out and flattering me at the same time.
“Doubtful. But let’s go with that, I’ll just have to continue to cultivate my intrigue.” Despite my constant inner-analysis, I had actually developed a gift as a result of my life-altering event. I had learned how to talk without ever really saying too much. I had learned to avoid screaming my truths when I knew that they would only hurt the person I was directing them at, I had learned to keep painful details inside so as to spare the pain of others by reminding them of things they wished to avoid. And, I had learned that the concept of appropriate was very shallow; despite the complexity of human beings, their interactions tended to lean toward the vanilla, and they liked it that way. Discomfort was rarely welcome or desirable. And my reality was quite the uncomfortable one.
Thankfully Charlie had just laughed quietly, as he’d pulled his car into the lot of the restaurant that we were apparently going to. Glad to be out of the luxurious but stifling confines of the Beamer, I unlatched my seatbelt and reached for the handle of the door…which opened before I could fling it open myself. There stood Charlie, or more like bent inward toward me, extending his hand to help me out. Chivalrous, but I wasn’t used to that kind of thing, and his presence surprised me. I didn’t like to be surprised and I was already on edge.
I may have even yelped. Embarrassing. And how had he moved that fast? Maybe I was as slothlike as he had teased me about being. Either way, I was out of the car and walking to the door of the restaurant before I’d fully comprehended the exchange. Like with everything, Charlie did things his way, and it always seemed natural and like there was no other way. So he was polite, why should that be something that bothered me? I wasn’t even sure that I had been bothered by his helping me out of the car, or his guiding me into the restaurant, his warm hand planted firmly on my lower back. More like I was just stunned and trying to remember how to breath.
Because if human contact wasn’t startling enough, I was also engaging in my first social interaction, and that interaction happened to be an attempt at a romantic experiment with a really good looking guy. A good looking guy who seemed to be genuinely interested in me. Ugh. Too much too fast.
Finding myself seated at a table in the corner, my menu spread before me, Charlie met my eye from across the table and said, “Finally, I have you all to myself.” It was a simple enough statement, appropriate for our situation I reminded myself, but it did nothing to set me at ease. It was like Charlie said all of the right things, never appearing flustered or even premeditated, he was just Charlie and he owned it. Maybe that was why I was always so uncertain around him; ownership of myself had been hard won. But although I had fought the good fight, I was still trying to find a pen that worked in order to sign the papers.
He didn’t intend it, but it was like Charlie’s entire persona magnified my inadequacies. Everything that was him was both everything that I didn’t have, and everything that I dreamed to be. I longed to be self-assured and unquestioning of the simplest choices, I wished to make decisions that required no thought or that I wouldn’t have any other way. Maybe that was what drew me to him. Maybe, in addition to his attractiveness and his interest in me, I simply wanted to be more like that.
“What do you feel like having, Cassandra?” Small talk seemed like Charlie’s greatest skill, and I was working hard not to expose my own inabilities in that department. He hadn’t seemed to mind it thus far, but I also suspected that Charlie didn’t spend a lot of time with people who couldn’t keep up. I had the suspicion that I baffled him, but not as the specimen that I felt like I was; somehow I had portrayed myself as someone worth getting to know, despite the apparent hard work required to do so. And Charlie didn’t seem to shy away from hard work.
“Probably the shawarma…just deciding between chicken and lamb. You?” I wasn’t especially hungry, possibly due to the killer bees that were currently swarming in my stomach, but I did like Middle Eastern food, so I was at least going to order something that I should enjoy. Plus, eating had the positive side benefit of allowing you not to talk, without being in awkward silence. Not that I’d ever had silence with Charlie, awkward or comfortable, because he usually found a way to fill it. Not in an overly obnoxious way, just in a ‘I say what I’m thinking and I think a lot,’ kind of way.
“Kabob. It’s really good here. I’m really glad that you decided to join me tonight. I know t
hat we have class together, so we see each other fairly often, but I never feel like I get the chance to really talk to you.” Charlie smiled as he met my eye, clearly waiting for a response that would encourage him and confirm that I too was glad that we were out together. And I was, it was just that positive adjectives always carried a caveat with me. Being glad to be out, being happy to be with him, being content to share a meal together…all were true, but all carried a big asterisk. And a big But.
“Me too, Charlie,” I finally confirmed, hoping that he wouldn’t require more. I was trying, but I was still a fledgling. “So what do you plan to do once you’ve completed your second degree?” I asked, knowing that I was chickening out by redirecting the conversation to being about him, but I already needed a break from the spotlight. Thankfully he launched into a lengthy explanation where he expounded upon the options that he was considering, as well as their pros and cons. I nodded where appropriate and maintained eye contact despite how difficult this part was, his eyes practically boring into mine, but I did it and made it seem like I was genuinely interested. Not that I wasn’t, I just had to focus on a whole lot right now so divided attention was going to have to be enough for him at the moment.
Our food came and it actually was pretty amazing.
“Charlie, thank you for bringing me here. I’ve lived here my whole life but I’ve never been to this restaurant, and it’s so good!” I was being sincere, and I was a little surprised by how appreciative I was, but I wanted him to know. Also, I really liked food, so finding a new place to eat was a definite bonus. Diane would love this place; I wondered if they did take-out.
“I knew you’d like it,” Charlie stated, once again amazing me with his confidence. He was even confident in his ability to know what I’d like, which both impressed and baffled me. I honestly did not understand how he seemed to think that he knew me so well, when truthfully, I barely felt like I was getting to know myself these days, and I hadn’t been especially forthcoming with exposing much to him. But this seemed to be just another characteristic Charlie-ism. I could almost hear him saying something like, “I know good people, and I know ‘em when I meet ‘em, and you, Doll, you are good people.” I was so glad that he couldn’t see inside my head for like the gazillionth time.
Our evening proceeded in that manner, me somehow not acting like I’d fallen off of a turnip truck, and Charlie being the ideal date. He was funny, he directed the conversation but never interrupted me, and after we’d both eaten way too much, we then had dessert. That was the only easy decision for me of the night.
“A woman who loves dessert is a woman who can easily win my heart,” he’d said, as I’d ordered some baklava and encouraged him to do the same. Also, I’d informed him that I wouldn’t be sharing mine. I liked dessert, what could I say? When Charlie suggested coffee as well, I simply declined. I was not willing to divulge that my battle with sleep was treacherous enough without being fueled by Turkish coffee.
Charlie paid the bill, although I did offer to split it which he completely ignored, but I was ok with that. He’d invited me, I didn’t mind him paying. Being a self-imposed hermit was hard on the bank account, and although I was lucky in that my parents were well-off enough to prevent me from needing to work when I could barely psych myself up to go to the grocery store, let alone get a job on top of school, I wasn’t exactly frequenting places that could be referred to as ‘restaurants,’ all that often.
Finally having no excuse to continue our occupation of the table, Charlie sighed.
“I guess we have to call it a night. But endings just mean excuses for new beginnings.” He smiled at me as I got up from the table. When Charlie grabbed my hand to lead me out of the restaurant, I prayed he didn’t notice that I was silently counting in my head, or that my exhalations were precisely measured. I knew that I had opened myself to physical contact by agreeing to go out with him, but understanding was far different from the actuality of it.
Releasing Charlie’s hand as we approached the passenger side of his car, he once again moved with stealth speed and opened my door before I could. Smiling at him, I silently got in and sat down, pretending to focus on my seatbelt and not the fact that my heart was beating in super-fast mode. I just wasn’t used to people moving around me with that kind of purpose and agility, especially when I wasn’t expecting it. Truthfully, I may never be. Because that was the reality: as hard as Rachel and I worked, as much as we wanted to get me to the healthiest that I could be, some things would never be undone. This was a sad realization that I had reached, first denying it and then eventually accepting it. I was irrevocably changed, and it was up to me to come to terms with that, to find a peace with it.
Once we were driving back to my house, Charlie remarked on what a nice night it had been, and I agreed, but didn’t try too hard to keep up with conversation. I was emotionally sapped, and I felt like I deserved an award for making it this far. Also, the closer we got to my house, the more nervous I was getting. I knew what happened at the end of dates, and Rachel had so helpfully reminded me as well. But I still didn’t know what I was going to do. Could I let Charlie kiss me if he wanted to? Rachel seemed convinced that he would want to, which I should have appreciated, but instead had made me feel even more apprehensive. I was obviously attracted to him, what wasn’t there to like? Not to mention that I’d had a flipping sexy dream about him, one which I had enjoyed, so clearly I wasn’t completely empty inside. But having feelings was one thing, acting on them was an entirely different bird.
And I also knew that regardless of what I wanted, or how I planned to react, I couldn’t trust my mind like most people could. I couldn’t assume that it wouldn’t decide to play a dirty trick on me, or drop into a black hole right when I least wanted it to. I couldn’t guarantee that my psyche wouldn’t decide to inform me that it disagreed with my actions. And I really didn’t want to freak out, or black out, on Charlie. My episodes had gotten pretty infrequent these days, but a trigger was a trigger and there wasn’t anything more triggering for sexual assault trauma, than sexually charged physical contact.
But, I also knew that I didn’t actually know anything. I couldn’t just presume that my damage would prevent me from enjoying something, because that would preclude me from experiencing so much in life. And this life, well it was one that I had deemed worthy of fighting for. I didn’t make my deal to ensure a half-lived life. I wanted the full adventure.
All of this made it so that we were parked in front of my house before I had come to any form of conclusion. And this was all without knowing if Charlie even wanted to kiss me! I closed my eyes briefly before opening them and turning to look at him. Our eyes met, and I felt like there was electricity between us. I suspected that I wasn’t the only one who had been contemplating this part of the night, and from the look that Charlie was giving me, I also suspected that Rachel was right. For once, I didn’t mind.
“Thank you, Cassandra. I had a great time. I’d love to do this again, soon.” I nodded, wondering if it would be enough, or if he would require me to make some confirmation that I too had a good time. My palms were sweating and I was hoping to just get to the next part so that somehow I could be upstairs in my room again. “Why don’t you call me when you’d like to go out again. My schedule is generally busy, but can always make time for you.”
“Ok,” I said, still not able to say much more. I decided in that moment that I would take control. I wanted to kiss Charlie, as an experiment, as a challenge to myself, and well…because he was really cute, especially when he was looking at me with soft eyes that were glinting with gold in the illumination of the dome light. And I felt like if I just waited around, let him decide to make the move, let him decide when and at what speed, I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
I was taking back my power.
I leaned toward Charlie, having unlatched my seatbelt. Refusing to close my eyes until I knew exactly where I was planting my lips, moving at a deliberate and calculated speed, I final
ly reached touchdown. Gently placing my lips on his, his most perfect mouth, my eyes fluttered shut and I kissed Charlie.
I did it! It was wonderful and terrifying and altogether something that I had wanted, and accomplished, on my own terms. I’d kept it brief, I’d kept it fairly chaste, not allowing things to escalate, and appreciating that Charlie seemed to be able to read body language and cues and didn’t push me further. His hand came up slowly and lightly stroked my cheek, as if unable to not get a tiny bit more from me, but seeming to know not to push his luck.
Being the one to pull away, making my boundaries clear, I slowly leaned back and felt like I was melting into my seat. Staring at my lap, needing a minute to compose myself and catch my breath, I heard Charlie inhale deeply before exhaling slowly and making me have a tiny glimmer of hope that perhaps I had affected him too.
“Thank you, Cassandra,” he said quietly, and I risked a glance at him. Charlie was watching me, but not like the sideshow that I worried I was, but instead with a look of wonderment on his face. Maybe this time, I’d surprised him. That was a rare event for Charlie, I knew, and I was shamefully proud of myself. His statement helped me understand that he was acknowledging the gift that I’d given him, that he appreciated the lack of obligation in the gesture. Charlie would never understand how much greater of a gift I’d given myself.
“I had a wonderful time, Charlie. Thank you,” I responded, still feeling a little breathless.
“I’d love to see you again…I mean, outside of school. Will you call me please?” I liked that he was leaving it up to me, but I also knew on some level that Charlie expected me to call him. Charlie seemed to get what he wanted, and for some crazy reason, it seemed like he wanted me. Me. Me 2.5.
Exiting his car, thankful that he hadn’t gotten out because I really couldn’t handle any more Jedi moves, and I certainly didn’t feel like my mom materializing like only she could do, I gave Charlie one last smile and closed the door. Turning away and heading to my front door, I didn’t look back. I hadn’t heard his engine start, so I knew that he was probably watching me, but I didn’t need to have that verified with my own eyes. Appreciating my mother’s insistence on every variation of outdoor lighting possible, making our house practically visible from space, I hurried up the walk and let myself in. Closing our front door behind me and locking it as we were all accustomed, I just stood there, wondering where to go from here. Obviously to my room…but, mentally.
TWELVE MINUTES Page 12
