“We did, I did,” I said, hoping that I hadn’t seemed miserable on our date, or something. Just because I hadn’t called him, well, that wasn’t much of a surprise to me…
“But you haven’t called,” he reminded me kindly. Yeah, maybe it had come as a surprise to him. “I guess I’m just seeing where we stand. I would love to go out again, and I admit that I assumed that we would, but then I didn’t hear from you…so I wondered.” Charlie was making this pretty easy on me. He was being upfront and honest, letting me know how he felt. But the problem was that I didn’t know how I felt. I still wasn’t sure that I was ready for anything serious, because after the giddiness of a first date had worn off, I was left right back where I’d began. I was back to being Cass, victim and survivor, world’s greatest introvert, and desiring to be ready for something more with Charlie, but having been disillusioned enough to understand that want and reality were often Great Walls apart.
And in my heart of hearts, Rachel’s opinion and Diane’s thoughts aside, I wondered if I would ever be ready for a relationship. And worse yet, I wondered if I were ready, would I be able to be in a relationship with Charlie? He was a girl’s dream come true: confidant, extremely attractive, driven, intelligent. And it wasn’t that I felt like I didn’t deserve that, because I actually did deserve all of that, all of that and more. I’d paid far higher a price than the cost of happiness; I was due. But I knew that I was no longer the type of person who wanted it all. I just wanted a tiny slice; I wanted that sliver of pie that you allowed yourself even though you were on a diet, because it looked so good, but you’d been deprived for so long that a bigger piece would give you a stomachache and make you uncomfortable, and just that little bit would satisfy you.
Being with a perfect person was scary. I was so imperfect, regardless of what my reflection told me every day, that I didn’t think that I could handle the pressure of either living up to perfection’s standards, or living in its shadow. And Charlie, to me, seemed pretty much perfect. Despite my embarrassing analogy with Rachel, it seemed inherent to the concept that you’d fall into shadow if you were involved with the sun. And it didn’t feel like it was his expectations that were daunting, it was more about how being around him made me feel about myself. Although, Charlie had high expectations across the board.
So I hadn’t come to a conclusion, I hadn’t been able to decide how to proceed with Charlie. Thus, why I hadn’t called. I had thought about it, I had held my phone in my hand and scrolled to his number, but I wasn’t ready to pull that trigger. And my use of figurative language, even in my own thoughts, made me contemplate the implications of my reluctance.
“I’ve been a little busy,” was all that I said, because I had been. Very busy thinking about Charlie and extremely busy thinking about myself.
“Ok.” It seemed like he wasn’t expecting that, and was simultaneously expecting more.
“I guess I was just thinking that maybe we could wait until class gets out? I figured that you deserved more of my attention…” I hoped that was an adequate excuse. I didn’t want to be leading him on, but I also didn’t want to close the door on what was going on between us. I just hadn’t figured out what I wanted yet, and I didn’t want to say that part because I suspected it wasn’t the appropriate response. I mean, it was, if we were being completely honest with each other, but the very fact that I didn’t feel like I could be completely honest with Charlie was kind of why we were in this position.
Apparently I had at least sort of gotten it right, because Charlie smiled, looking kind of relieved. It was so foreign on his ever-confident face, that I almost felt bad. It wasn’t his fault that I was all kinds of messed up. Just because he shared a specific chromosome with my perpetrator, didn’t mean he should suffer the repercussions of a decision that one man had made. But, that also didn’t change the outcome, so it was kind of moot.
“Cool. Sure, no problem. As long as you’re considering going out again, I’m happy. I don’t mind waiting, I’ve waited this long…” That last part struck me as odd, but I guess he just meant the last week, or the time that it took him since meeting me and us going out. Either way, he wasn’t mad or seemingly hurt, so I felt slightly better. And he was willing to take things at my pace, which made me feel infinitely better.
“Yeah, maybe once the project is done, and finals are over, things will be a little more relaxed. And it’s not like we won’t be seeing each other in the mean time,” I pointed out, immediately feeling condescending for offering him a consolation prize. But it was true. We still had class and we still had one more meetup planned. “Ok, I’ll talk to you soon, Charlie,” I said, standing. I had to meet with Rachel and I hadn’t seen Diane in a while, so I’d figured that I might swing by her place after therapy.
“Bye Cassandra…and if you change your mind, I’m around…” Charlie smiled at me, his big broad white smile that always struck me like lightening, and I wondered what I was doing walking away from this beautiful man, leaving him to sit there alone. But I had my life to deal with, and I was making my own decisions and I was ok with that.
THIRTY-FIVE
I couldn’t believe it when I got the text.
Hey Cass. Can’t believe I’m saying this, but wanna meet up and work on finishing the project?
Harrison was volunteering to do something school-related. I was floored.
Sure. Same place, 2:00? And is this really Harrison, or did someone abduct him and figured this was the cruelest trick they could play on him, making it look like he wanted to study?
Harrison wrote back immediately.
Ha. See you there at 2.
I, of course, was there at 1:30. At exactly 2, Harrison blew in, white tee and jeans, black scuffed boots and all. I hid my smile. He also looked less than stoked to be here, if his throwing down his backpack with more force than necessary and the grimace on his face was any indication.
“Hey, this wasn’t my idea…” I said by way of greeting and he laughed.
“Don’t remind me. But I guess it has to get done, and I enjoy hanging out with you much more, when we’re not with Charlie,” his eyes rolled theatrically. I knew that this statement was less of a compliment to me, and much more of an insult to Charlie, but it put me in the plus column so what did I care? Also, it was almost funny how much Harrison disliked Charlie. I sensed that it went both ways, but I was pretty sure that Charlie didn’t have a lot of respect for people who acted like they didn’t value school and didn’t value his opinion. Also, I didn’t think that Harrison didn’t value school, he just acted like it was another thing that he had to get done and out of the way in order to get to the other stuff that required his attention or held his interest. It was just his way.
And I mean, not a lot of people just loved school for the sake of learning. Sure, we all pretended like we did, and occasionally might, but for the most part it was just another responsibility that had a reward at the end of accomplishing it. Harrison was just better at expressing his awareness of the responsibility component.
“Anyway, I appreciate Charlie’s help, but you’re right about it being our actual assignment. I assume that Charlie cares how we do, but it’s our grades,” I acknowledged.
“Oh he cares. He wouldn’t want our performance to reflect poorly on him,” Harrison snarked. And he was most likely right. Harrison had an uncanny ability to analyze and distill things down to their essential points.
“Whatever, for someone who didn’t want to see Charlie, you’re the one who brought him up,” I joked, knowing that Harrison wouldn’t care or take offense.
“True. So, I guess we should work,” Harrison conceded, characteristically moving on.
And we did. Sort of. As much as you could work with someone constantly texting and cracking jokes and sitting there staring off sullenly.
“Harrison, you might be more distracted than usual…something that I didn’t actually know was possible,” I commented, after like the twentieth time that he’d checked his p
ockets and come up with lint.
“Yeah, I’m dealing with my own personal hell with a girl. Which is why I don’t ‘do’ girls, in the figurative sense. And for some reason, I thought that hanging out with the hottest one would be a good idea to get my mind off it,” he shook his head as if even he couldn’t believe himself.
“Oh, sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say, because let’s face it, hello map? Uncharted territory right here.
“Yeah, you wouldn’t understand. I mean, you’re a girl, so of course you understand, just the wrong side of the equation.” Oh my god. Harrison had just compared me to ‘girls,’ like as a species. Not favorably, but it meant that he thought I was like other girls. That I could blend into an XX party! I couldn’t help my smile. To Harrison, I was just another girl, and that made me immensely pleased. I wasn’t Cass, extraordinarily damaged, but instead, just one of those things from the planet Venus. Success!
“You’d be surprised,” I said, involuntarily.
“Right, like I don’t see how Charlie is practically begging for your hard-won attention. You may not realize it, but women are impossibly confusing.” I laughed. I couldn’t stop the bubble from erupting from me, and it actually made Harrison laugh as well. Rachel, why were you always right?!
“Well, this woman sees how close we are to finishing this stupid project, so maybe your issues could wait a whole 30 minutes and we might actually complete it, freeing you up to contemplate the enigma of the female mystique,” I said, rolling my eyes, but enjoying teasing him.
“Yeah yeah yeah. If you knew Courtney, you’d understand why I thought hanging out with you was a better idea.”
“Harsh,” I said, because that actually did sound like an insult.
“Nah, I just meant the studying part. You, actually, are the only part about this whole project thing that has actually not been painful.” Oh.
And that was a typical Harrisonism. Shockingly, I knew him well enough that I could see that it was rare compliment. Maybe I wasn’t as hopeless as I thought!
“We’re almost done, and as intriguing as Courtney sounds, I know that you can dig deep and knock this out.” We were seriously almost done, and despite having nothing else to do today, I did assume that Harrison’s schedule wasn’t quite so open.
As we finally closed the last page of our project binder, complete except for Charlie’s stamp of approval, I felt both relief and a little bit of melancholy. I felt like I was closing the chapter on Harrison’s and my brief dance with friendship, and it kind of bummed me out. I was back to being Cass, alone and dog paddling through life, and I knew that I was being melodramatic, but I couldn’t deny my feelings.
“Well, that’s a relief.” Harrison punctuated my thoughts.
“Yeah,” I said, because I knew that he was expecting it. But, yeah. Sure.
“Cool.” Harrison laughed, and I guess he was seriously relieved. I got it, I really did. “Ok, well sorry to drag you out, but I’m glad we met. Now Charlie can tear it apart like I’m sure that he will, but it’s done.” I rolled my eyes. “Sorry,” he added, but I knew that he wasn’t. Also, I wanted to tell Harrison that Charlie and I weren’t a thing, yet, that his insulting Charlie wasn’t some personal affront to me, that I didn’t take offense on behalf of Charlie, but I knew that would be pointless. I just rolled my eyes again, feeling like it was the closest amalgamation to expressing my thoughts that Harrison could understand.
“Yeah, it does feel good to be done.” It did, actually. One less thing hanging over my head, although it did also mean that I would have to actually come to a conclusion about Charlie. Maybe.
“So Cass, now that we are free of that project, my friends are having a thing tonight. Wanna come? Like, not with me, or whatever…I mean, like grab some friends and come hang out?”
Mic Drop.
Leave it to Harrison to drop the H-bomb of invitations on me, while I was off in my head thinking about the implications of finally finishing our project.
Wait, what? Was Cass just invited to hang out with other people? Oh shit. This was good, wasn’t it? It felt pretty damn good.
“Although, I’m sure you have like rose garden parties and gallery openings to attend…or whatever it is that people like you do,” he added, but he was smiling so I knew that he was just messing with me. And also, one day I might possibly be adjusted enough to contemplate whoever it was that Harrison joked around about me being, and maybe on some level, actually thought that I was.
But he’d invited me to a hang out or whatever…a thing, he’d called it, so obviously he didn’t actually believe that I spent my time caviar tasting.
“Um, tonight?” I squinted my eyes as I tried to focus my mind and get some thoughts together. That was kind of soon, and eliminated a whole lot of time for contemplation and too deep introspection.
“Yeah, I get it, you’re busy. It’s cool, just figured you deserved to celebrate too, so I thought I’d see.” Harrison was already shoving his stuff into his backpack, pausing only to glance at his phone before returning his attention to zipping it up.
“I don’t drink,” I said, feeling like this needed clarification in case this was like a rager or something. Luckily Harrison just laughed.
“Yeah, me neither. Too many vivid memories of my dad tossing empty beer cans at my head. Luckily his aim was pretty bad after a twelver.”
“Ok, text me where and when, and I’ll try to swing by,” I responded. That sucked that Harrison had that kind of upbringing, but from what he’d told me about his mom and brother, it sounded like his dad was out of the picture these days. So that had to be a plus. Also, I shamefully had a momentary burst of relief that maybe I wasn’t the only one who had to deal with shit, and it made Harrison just that much more relatable. That then made me feel horrible, because I truly wished that no one on earth had to deal with pain, and I immediately regretted my thought.
And also, I’d surprised the crap out of Harrison by agreeing to try to go. He literally just stood there, and stared at me for a second.
“What? Stop staring at me, I don’t love being stared at.” I almost covered my mouth after the words had poured out. That was dangerously close territory to honesty and deep truths, and I couldn’t believe that I’d so casually said it.
“Right. The hottest girl in the room doesn’t like being stared at. Funny. Ok, Cass, I’ll text you. Later,” he called as he’d already started walking away. I stood there, watching his retreating white tee, and wondering what I had gotten myself into by simply RSVPing as a ‘maybe.’
THIRTY-SIX
“Can I go to a party?” I asked, honestly wanting someone else’s thoughts on this development.
“I’m not your mother, Cass,” Diane replied, straight-faced.
“Haha, Diane. I just meant, like, is this a good idea? I kind of want to and I kind don’t at all want to.” I’d gone straight to Diane’s after meeting with Harrison, needing a sounding board and not having the energy that Rachel’s deconstruction would require. I needed honest answers and an opinion that I valued, which wouldn’t require me to drag out my electron microscope.
“If you think you can go, and you want to, go. You can always leave.” True. “And yes, I usually leave like ten minutes after I get to social gatherings,” she added. Maybe it was time for Diane to stay for fifteen. I did not voice that thought aloud. “Bring Kara. Then at least you will have someone to talk to, you won’t feel so obviously alone, and it will give the illusion that you have friends.”
“Jeez, way to pull the punches, Diane,” I said, but I actually appreciated her points. All were valid and I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Mostly I’d been worried about hyperventilating or something more acutely physical.
“And if you black out, she’ll be there to carry out your limp body.”
“Diane!”
Diane just laughed, letting me know that she was aware of my realistic fears, and was just trying to make things less scary.
“You’re
right. Your waif-like sister could never heft you.”
Ugh.
“I’m serious, Diane. And you’re not helping.” I hoped that my exasperation masked my whiny tone. If wishes were horses...
“I know, honey. I’m just teasing. But I do think that if you feel ready to go, you should bring someone, and I’m not exactly the life of the party. Your sister is as socialized as it gets, see if she’d go with you.” Diane’s kind eyes had grown serious and I knew that she understood the big picture, without me having to detail it.
“Ok, if she and James aren’t busy and I can get her to go, I’ll go. I think. Maybe.”
“Cass, you know that I need more details,” Diane said, and I didn’t blame her. “Did Charlie invite you?” It was kind of annoying that I felt like I was in a relationship with Charlie, and Harrison, and Diane, and Rachel…without actually being in a relationship with Charlie. But I let it go. For now.
“No. Truthfully, I still haven’t decided how I’m going to proceed with Charlie. Harrison actually invited me.” I waited for some snarky remark from Diane, but she surprised me.
“Ahh. So that’s why you’re even considering going. Harrison is safe.” I hadn’t thought about it that way, but it was kind of true. Harrison’s generally low expectations of just about everything, made it easier to want to hang out with him. And I wasn’t even hanging out with him, I was just going to a place where he would be. Which seemed like it should be scarier, but actually helped relieve more of the pressure.
“Cass, you’ve been doing really well dealing with the crowds of school, and I think that you’ve just been doing really well in general, so if this is something that you want to do, you should.”
TWELVE MINUTES Page 15
