“Harrison?” I asked, as Harrison pulled it out of his backpack and handed it over to Charlie.
“Cass and I worked pretty hard, so hopefully it’s good enough,” Harrison said as an afterthought, and I agreed. I also suspected that Harrison was done with this whole project, so if it wasn’t “good enough,” well that was too bad. He’d finished and that was that. I sort of felt the same way.
“Yes, I saw what you emailed me. Actually, it’s pretty good, guys,” Charlie said, nodding his head as he flipped through the pages. “Nice. I don’t even think there’s anything for me to add. Good job.” Charlie was still smiling as he closed the binder, handing it to me. “I guess you guys don’t even need me,” he added, jokingly.
“You helped us a lot, Charlie.” He really had, and I wanted him to know that we appreciated it. We would have had a lot more unknowns on our hands without his insight.
“Always here to help. Well, I guess we’re done. You guys wanna take off early today?” Charlie asked, directing his comment to Harrison. Clearly Charlie was also aware of Harrison’s no-time-for-school policy. Harrison started packing his stuff up as if he couldn’t be out of here fast enough, and I stifled a smile.
“Harrison?” I handed him the binder back when he looked up at me, figuring that our system had worked thus far. Harrison was reaching for it when Charlie spoke up.
“Why don’t you hang onto it, Cassandra.”
“It’s cool. Harrison will bring it to class,” I responded, a little confused. Instead of looking at Charlie, I met Harrison’s eye and nodded, wanting him to take it. Grabbing the binder, Harrison stuffed it into his bag and turned to leave.
“Later, Cass,” he called over his shoulder to me, ignoring Charlie completely. I was suddenly getting more excited about the fact that our project was done. The two of them clearly had reached the point where they didn’t want to pretend to like each other, and I was not in the least interested in being stuck in the middle.
“The project looks great, Cassandra. You did a really good job,” Charlie said, returning his focus to me, his gold eyes blazing. Also, did he not remember that Harrison was half of my team? “I’m not as sad about the semester ending as I thought I’d be. It will be nice to see you outside of school and these little study sessions,” he added, smiling at me.
“Yeah, it’s a relief to be done,” I replied, always short on things to say when I was being overwhelmed by the entity that was Charlie.
“So when will you go out with me again, Cassandra?” I should have known that Charlie wasn’t going to let me off easy. And it was in that moment that I realized something.
Nothing was easy with Charlie.
The realization came crashing in, yet I understood that it was something that I’d already known and just hadn’t been able to articulate to myself. Yes, Charlie was amazing, Charlie was pretty much an ideal man, and in theory, he had all of the attributes that I was looking for in an ideal world. But I wasn’t living in that world. I was living in Cass’ world, which was far from ideal and already far from easy. And if just thinking about being with Charlie was this exhausting, I didn’t think that I could take the reality.
I knew all of the reasons why Rachel didn’t think that I should be with him, but she didn’t know him, so I didn’t feel like she could have more than a general opinion. Yes, she knew me, so she was making her analysis coming from a pretty educated place, but I was getting to know myself pretty well these days, so ultimately, it was my decision.
And unfortunately for Charlie, I’d made one. In that moment, all of my internal musings and tug of war came to a head, and I knew. Charlie was perfect, just not perfect for me.
“Charlie, I really enjoyed spending time with you, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go out with you again.” I went out on a limb and did what I thought was the right thing, I was honest. He deserved it, he deserved to know, and I wanted to be upfront. I couldn’t tell him why, but once again, that sort of reinforced my decision.
Charlie just stared at me. Then he blinked slowly, but didn’t immediately say anything. I wasn’t too worried, Charlie was never thrown, so I was sure that he would accept my decision graciously and that would be that. It might be awkward for me at our last class, but I was quite certain that it would not be awkward for him.
“Is it Harrison?” Charlie’s question caught me off guard. What did Harrison have to do with this?
“Is what Harrison?” I didn’t understand.
“I’ve seen you guys, you’re interested in him instead of me?” It was like Charlie couldn’t wrap his head around someone not being interested in him, and Harrison was like the ultimate insult.
“It’s not like that, Charlie. I’m just not interested in seeing anyone.” Hopefully that very clear statement clarified things.
“Ok…” He only said the one word, but he definitely didn’t seem like he was finished. Charlie’s eyes narrowed for a second, and then he smiled. “Ok. Because I am interested, in seeing you. I think you should reconsider.” He was smiling while he said this, and I almost wanted to reconsider. But I’d come too far to second guess myself, especially in this aspect of my life. I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone. I’d gotten caught up in the romance of the idea, the hopefulness of it all, and Charlie had made that really easy. But I wasn’t going to undermine myself; some days, it felt like I was all that I had.
“Thank you, but I think for now it’s not going to work out.” I was trying to be strong, stay firm, but still be considerate. It’s how I would have wanted to be treated.
“Cassandra, we’re so good together. Just think about it, we could build on what we’ve already begun…I just think that maybe you need a little time.”
“I always have a nice time with you, Charlie. But I think I need to go, I actually have somewhere to be,” I added, because I always saw Rachel after these study sessions, it was just when I was scheduled to meet with her. And it helped me to process everything that school, and intimate interactions like study groups, threw at me. So it worked out.
“We’re usually scheduled to work for much longer than we did today, Cassandra,” Charlie reminded me, and I felt like I’d been caught in a lie. Except I hadn’t; Rachel would never mind if I came early, it was just the way our relationship worked.
“Yeah, but I have an appointment and it’s not a big deal if I get there early. That way, I’ll get out early, too,” I smiled, pointing out that this would actually work out well.
“I couldn’t wait to see you, I wish you’d at least stay and have coffee with me,” Charlie said, and it made me feel a little guilty. But, staying for coffee with him sounded an awful lot like what I’d just told him I wasn’t ready for. I was now really wishing that Harrison didn’t always run off, it would have been nice to have Charlie’s attention divided, even if it was for the two of them to subtly insult each other.
“It’s a relief to be done with the project. I really appreciate all of your help, Charlie.” I wanted him to know this because I did. Charlie nodded in acknowledgment, but kept silent. “I do have to get going, though. I’ll see you in class,” I added as I collected up my things.
Getting up, I gave him one more smile before turning to walk away.
“I’ll be seeing you, Cassandra,” Charlie called after me.
THIRY-EIGHT
“I’m just not ready,” I stated again, feeling empowered to have come to a conclusion and feeling a little bit of relief that my indecisiveness wasn’t going to continue weighing on me.
“So have you decided that you aren’t ready for a relationship at all? Or, you’re not convinced that you’re interested in a relationship with Charlie, and the type of person that he is?” Rachel asked, not ever willing to let me off easily.
“That’s hard to answer. The two issues feel intrinsically tied, like they’re connected. Or at least, that the second issue is irrelevant, due to the first,” I tried to explain. And here I’d thought Rachel would just be happy for me that
I’d come to a decision that I was comfortable with. Right.
“I want you to understand something, Cass. I’ve been thinking, and I wanted to clarify a point with you. Diane seems to think that I haven’t been supportive enough of your endeavor to experiment with independence, and I was actually feeling like maybe I had come across that way to you. I want you to know that whatever you had decided, I would have been behind.”
“Well that’s kind of easy for you to say now that you’ve heard my decision,” I replied drily.
“I came to this realization before I knew the outcome that you would choose, Cass. I want you to understand that whatever you feel is right for you, is right for you. Some people seem to be under the impression that I let my own skewed opinions alter my approach to certain things, and I wanted to make sure that wasn’t the impression that you were receiving.” Rachel looked at me for understanding.
“Since when do you listen to Diane?” I quipped. I appreciated what she was saying, but I was still a little suspicious of her motives.
“Don’t tell her I said so, but that woman occasionally actually has valuable insight,” Rachel conceded, smiling. I never liked discovering that the two of them discussed me when I wasn’t around, but I reminded myself that it was just evidence of their investment in me, and aside from that, it was in keeping with our nontraditional relationship. “But seriously, Cass. It is very important to me that you understand I am here as a support network, that I have always just wanted for you what you want for yourself. So, had that been Charlie, I would have remained your same old Rachel, reserving judgment and providing a sounding board for you.”
“That’s kind of your job, Rach,” I pointed out, unable to avoid the obvious elephant that was constantly dancing the hulu through our sessions.
“I’d like to think that you and I both know that our connection is one which exceeds that of doctor-patient. Cass, you may joke, but I hope that you actually do know that I care about you, that Diane cares about you, and we want only the healthiest life for you that you can possibly have.” Ugh, I hated it when Rachel made me feel guilty.
Because I did know that. I would have been lost beyond recovery, irreparably ruined, without the two of them. I didn’t tell them how much I appreciated it often enough, but like Rachel was just saying, we all understood the importance of one another in our lives.
“Yeah, Rach. I know. I appreciate that. You know I’m only teasing when I say this is your job.” Rachel smiled softly.
“Except that it is, Cass. So for you to be at a point where you are interested in becoming more social, and maybe some day entering a meaningful relationship with someone, well, it’s important. It’s a big step in the right direction, and I guess I’m just trying to say that I’m proud of you. Whether I agree with your choices, or whom you choose, is irrelevant.”
“Thanks, Rachel.” I didn’t miss the part where she was still essentially saying that she didn’t think that I should be with Charlie. But despite her support, Rachel was still protective of me, so I suspected that she might not be one hundred percent behind anyone that I chose at this point. Which was sort of her point; it didn’t matter because she’d be there for me regardless, and it made me feel a momentary flash of hope for myself.
✧✧✧
School was out, summer was here, and I knew that I should be rejoicing. Well, as close to rejoicing as possible for me. Except that now I felt at a loss. I’d made what felt like insurmountable steps forward this semester, done things that I hadn’t quite believed I’d ever be interested in doing, and now that I had accomplished these goals, it was like I wanted more.
I’d been so content with my solitude and my bizarre relationships with Diane and Rachel, I had never believed that I needed anything else, or even had the desire for change. I'd grown accustomed to my altered lifestyle had been comfortable, but now that I was back to it, I wasn’t sure that it was enough. Going to class, meeting with Charlie and Harrison, had been so stressful, and felt like I was stretching muscles that had petrified from disuse; some days it had felt almost impossible.
Yet here I sat in my room alone, and I was feeling more lost than I had in a long time. I contemplated calling Rachel, but I didn’t think that was what I needed. I was realizing that I was stronger now, that I could work through things on my own little by little, and despite how daunting that felt, it also felt good.
I knew that Kara and my mom were somewhere around in the house, and I could easily just go hang out with them, but it felt inadequate. It was like I was craving something that I couldn’t even express to myself, but I knew that their company wasn’t it. Looking around my room, I considered just reading, or maybe turning on the TV, but none of that held an appeal. My eyes landed on my laptop so I went over and got it, pulling the computer onto my lap after settling back onto my bed.
Opening the screen, I did something that I hadn’t had any interest in doing since my attack: I opened my old social media page. This seemed like an odd choice, but I was going with it. I hadn’t even looked at the page in years, so I wasn’t too surprised to see that I didn’t have too many ‘friends’ left who still followed me…what would have been the point? I scrolled through the feed for a bit, but barely recognized anyone that I saw, so instead of being painful or nostalgic, it was actually just interesting. I felt like I was thumbing through one of Diane’s magazines.
Growing bored with pictures of food and random locales, I saw that I had an alert notification. Deciding that I might as well check it, assuming that it was either really old, or just some kind of spam, I was surprised. There was an alert from before my attack, which I didn’t even bother opening, but below that was one which informed me that I had been tagged in a picture. This both intrigued and terrified me. Who had a picture of me?
I almost just closed the computer. My hands were shaking and I had already reached over and retrieved the giant glass of water that was ever-present on my bedside table. Taking some huge swallows, I closed my eyes and counted. Getting my breathing to regulate, focusing on the soothing rhythm, I decided that I wanted to see what the picture was. Better to know, than spend the next day wondering and worrying. That was a personal hell that I was all too familiar with.
Taking another deep drink of water, I decided that I was ready. Clicking on the little hyperlink, I forced myself not to hold my breath. Despite being the ideal environment to black out in, I wasn’t interested in experiencing something that had become, for the most part, a conquered element of my life.
There, loaded in front of me, was a picture of Kara, me, and Harrison.
We were on the couch where we’d been playing the card game that night at the party, and Kara was beaming. I was slightly smiling and actually looking like I was presenting a look that I had perfected in the mirror, which almost made me laugh since only I knew that it was really just me trying not to look entirely freaked out. And Harrison…well, Harrison was laughing as he looked at his cards. It was very typical; only Harrison would have been oblivious to a photo being taken of him, or just not cared. I had sort of forgotten that Jorge had his phone out, claiming that he was checking his mail, but we all knew that he was taking pictures. I’d just ignored it, figuring who cared? But apparently Harrison had posted the picture…and tagged me.
Me, who hadn’t been on her social media in over three years.
First I felt unsettled.
Then, a smiled crept over my face. I had a friend and I had been tagged. It was all so amazingly normal and well-adjusted seeming, or at least something that any other person my age would barely even take note of, which was why it had so strong of an impact. Cass, just one of the gang. I was practically giddy.
I scrolled through the comments which were mostly things like, ‘where was I?’ and ‘thanks for the invite,’ so nothing too interesting, until I got to one that was almost at the end of the list.
Charlie Hudson commented, “cute.”
Charlie. Charlie had seen the picture and commented.
It surprised me that Harrison and Charlie were ‘friends’ on the site, but that was in keeping with the way that social media worked. People added others before they even knew if they were going to be friends. I wondered who had added whom, and when. Although, I hadn’t checked my friend requests so it was highly likely that they’d asked me too, I just hadn’t seen it.
Harrison probably chucked it up to my “Ice Queen” persona. I laughed.
Also, the usage of ‘cute’ seemed out of character for Charlie; he wasn’t into diminutive anything, his language always grand and his commentary verbose. But, this was a comment on a picture, so I guess that Charlie could understand brevity. Considering his comment again, I wondered about the ‘period’ that he chose to use, and his lack of capitalization. I was probably psychoanalyzing way too deeply, but it stood out to me. I felt like most people would either forgo punctuation, or were the type to use an exclamation point in this context. But, I would have thought Charlie’s use of an exclamation point to be strange as well, so I gave up. And I wasn’t even going to go there with autocorrect.
Another positive about this was that I felt like it backed up my explanation to Charlie, about how Harrison and I were just friends. Clearly we had hung out, with other ‘friends,’ so I sort of felt a little vindicated that Charlie could see how I was being truthful. I didn’t get the impression that Charlie smiled upon liars, or being lied to, although…who did? Either way, I was spending way too much time on this for what would be considered normal, so I closed the application and decided that maybe I was in the mood to hunt down my mom or Kara.
THIRTY-NINE
TWELVE MINUTES Page 18
