“Yeah. Take me or leave me,” he added and laughed, like he’d gotten as close as he could to trying to be self-conscious and was now moving on.
“When’s your mom supposed to be home?” I asked, just because I was curious.
“You can leave whenever, Cass. I know you have stuff to do, and your job is done,” he smirked as he pointed at Ben’s now empty seat.
“I was just thinking that maybe we shouldn’t be hanging in here while Ben is watching TV, if your mom might be showing up. I gather she’s not that into him just turning into a screen zombie.”
“Ugh, thanks for reminding me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a kid busy when all you want to do is just sit on the couch and watch TV yourself?” I loved that Harrison acted like this problem was the worst that he had. It felt so comforting to know that people’s everyday struggles were simple. I wanted that.
“Well, coming from someone who has the opportunity to sit on the couch all day and watch TV, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds,” I pointed out, hoping that it didn’t make me sound as pathetic as it felt.
“Cass, you’re always saying stuff like that. Is it like some attempt to make me feel better about not having an exciting life? Because let me assuage that concern, my life is hairy enough as it is. I am perfectly happy being a glorified construction worker and babysitter,” he said, poking fun at himself.
“No, I’d never try to make you feel bad, Harrison,” I said seriously. It was never my intention, and he misconstrued my comments as insincere. I wasn’t going to argue that I really was as lame as I described myself to be, because hey, apparently I had pride, and opening that aspect up about myself was like popping the top on a can of snakes.
“I know, Cass. You’re probably the nicest person in the world. It’s weird.”
“Thanks. You really have a way with compliments, Harrison,” I said as I watched him start laughing. Harrison laughed with such abandon, it was one of the things that I appreciated about him. He found most things funny, and he had no qualms with expressing that fact.
“Yeah, I’m a real sweet-talker,” he smirked. “I just mean that you’re someone who doesn’t need to be nice, but you are anyway. It’s…nice.” He said, laughing at his own lame joke. Now it was my turn to roll my eyes and shake my head.
“I’m not always nice. I can be a raging bitch when I want to be,” I said, and he just laughed harder.
“Yeah, I think that you and I have different definitions of bitch,” he said. “You’ve met Courtney…” he added, right before we heard a voice from the living room.
“Watch your language, Harrison.” Uh oh. I guess his mom was home and she’d walked in not only on Ben watching TV, but Harrison and me seeing who could out-curse the other. Whoops. Harrison groaned and put his face in his hands.
A petite woman entered the kitchen right then, her dark hair and eyes familiar, especially after sitting at the table with her two sons. But what was most striking about her resemblance to Harrison, aside from her attractiveness, was her open and relaxed expression. Her face literally put me at ease.
“Well, you must be the young lady who my monster can’t stop talking about,” she said, directing her comment at me.
“I think Ben has a crush on her,” Harrison responded.
“I was talking about you,” she replied and I snorted.
“Yeah, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. I was the original ‘Monster,” Harrison admitted, but he was smiling. “Mom, this is Cass. Ben had one of his things and apparently only Her Highness’ presence could solve the issue.” Harrison rolled his eyes as his mom laughed.
“Hi Cass, I’m Miranda. Nice to meet you, finally,” she said as she walked by, looking like she was going to pat me on the shoulder in welcome but decided not to. She went to the sink and filled a glass of water which she sipped as she looked out the window. “Well, I guess I have to wrangle the beast. Harrison, make sure you clean up after your...feast,” she added, winking at me before leaving the kitchen to presumably persuade Ben to turn off the TV.
“Your mom seems nice,” I said to Harrison once we were alone again.
“Yeah. She has her hands full. Ever since my Dad bounced after Ben was born, she’s worked hard to make sure that we were ok.” Harrison said, not seeming especially affected by his reference to his father.
“Yeah, my dad and mom split when I was 16. My dad and I are fine, but I don’t really talk to him much.” Mostly I just didn’t make a lot of effort and Dad found it much easier to ignore the reality of what had happened to his daughter. Life off with Joan was just simpler. Out of sight, out of mind, I’d always figured. He called occasionally, but mostly it seemed forced when we spoke, so I dutifully commented on his weather related observations and he seemed satisfied.
“How old are you, Cass?” That wasn’t where I thought our conversation was headed.
“23.” I said quietly, feeling so much younger. “You?”
“24. And yes, I still live with my mom,” Harrison added, pretending like he cared. “I did my time in Junior College, then my mom finally bullied me into enrolling at the University…and thus the saga of Harrison and Cass began,” he joked.
“Ha. I can’t say that you give off the impression that you enjoy school,” I commented, hoping that Harrison wasn’t going to expect me to explain why I too seemed a little older than most of our classmates.
“Good. That’s one bullet I’ve dodged,” Harrison said, laughing like he was relieved. I just shook my head and picked up my bowl, bringing it to the sink to wash. “You can leave that, Cass. I’ll take care of it. It’s the least I can do after you came and pretended to enjoy my cooking,” he said with a smirk. I ignored him and finished cleaning my dishes, placing them carefully on the drying rack before turning back around.
“Ok, Cass, you’re good. You can return to your world and whatever you Beautiful People do…” I knew that he was joking, but still…
“Harrison, you know I’m not like that.” At least I hoped. He teased me about that stuff all of the time, but it was so far from the truth and I’d found myself wanting Harrison to like me for me, not some crazy imagined persona.
“I know. Maybe I thought that at first, but I know,” was all he said, but it felt like enough. “Your sister on the other hand…” he tacked on, before laughing and raising his hands in surrender. “Kidding.”
“Nah, I’ll give you that,” I said, smiling. Kara could have many of the characteristics that Harrison always joked that he associated with me. But, I almost envied her for that, she hadn’t been forced to change everything that defined her. “But I’ll get going. Seems like you have things under control now, and honestly, I didn’t mind coming.” Harrison had stood up from the table and dropped his dishes into the sink, but I knew that he’d be back to clean up.
Harrison was a mix of contradictions, but it all seemed to work. He was carefree but diligent about his responsibilities, seemingly unfocused but overly observant, and he just took on life with a positive attitude. But the best part was that he was never too serious, never allowing life’s problems to bring him down, rarely overthinking things. And that helped me, when I was around him; it lifted me and made me feel like maybe life in general wasn’t an unsurmountable challenge. Harrison put me at ease and I wished I could let him know how valuable that was to me.
He’d come around to my side, grabbing my half-drunk water bottle off of the table and walking toward the front door. The living room was empty now as we passed through it, and I briefly wondered at the power of Moms. Harrison waited for me to reach the door before handing me the water, and then running his hand through his dark hair, the waves remaining messy.
“Thanks again, Cass. I’ll catch you later. Take care of yourself,” he added, before unlocking the door.
“Say bye to Ben for me,” I said as I turned to head to my car, unlocking it before I’d gotten to the sidewalk. Taking in my surroundings before walking around to the driver’s seat, I
realized that Harrison had followed me out, stopping at the edge of the street and crossing his arms over his chest.
“Bye, Harrison,” I called as I climbed in and closed the door, locking it once I was inside, but not before quickly glancing into my backseat to double-check that I was alone. Some things were habit, and if it made me feel better, I didn’t have a problem with my rituals. As I drove away, I saw in the rearview mirrior that Harrison had waited until I was in my car and pulling away, before turning back to walk to up to his house.
Making it home, I scurried up my walk and unlocked the door, securing it behind me and then leaning against it. Inhaling with my eyes closed, I finally measuredly exhaled, calmed by my slow breathing. Finally opening my eyes, there sat my mom and Kara, looking at me expectantly, but not having said anything. I appreciated that they understood how startling me when I hadn’t realized that they were there would have defeated the purpose of my exercise.
“Hi?” Kara said, as my mom just continued to look at me with her probing blue eyes. She was clearly trying to decide which approach would be best: inquire as to where I’d been, ask how I was, pretend that I did this all of time and go for casual?
“Hi, I went to Harrison’s to help him baby-sit his brother,” I volunteered, figuring that I could commandeer the direction of our conversation while satisfying their curiosity.
“That’s nice, honey,” my mom finally said, but the inquisitive look in her eyes that screamed the millions of questions she was dying to ask remained.
“He’s ten. But I’m back now,” I stated, not knowing what else to say.
“Cute,” Kara commented, clearly also not sure where to take things.
“I’m glad you had a chance to see your…friend,” my mom said, and everything that went unsaid annoyed me. I wasn’t an idiot; I got that they thought that something was going on between Harrison and me, while also not quite believing that something could be going on between Harrison and me. I understood, but it didn’t change the facts…in either regard.
“Yeah, we just have fun hanging out,” I tacked on, hoping that it would clear some stuff up. Probably not. My need for secrecy coupled with my need for transparency was a complicated issue for them to maneuver. I couldn’t blame them. I was pretty complicated. But Harrison’s and my friendship wasn’t, which was why I valued it so much.
“I’m glad you have a friend,” my mom finally said, apparently having given up on accomplishing much more with our exchange.
“Yeah, me too. Ok, goodnight,” I said, and didn’t miss the look that Kara gave my mom. I’d seen a million variations of that look from Kara, so I didn’t even let it faze me. Let them talk about me once I was out of the room, it wasn’t anything new and I doubted that it resulted in a whole lot. Either way, I was tired from my little adventure so I was actually going to go get ready for bed and try to relax enough to sleep.
Once I was ready, having gone back downstairs only to refill my water glass, I climbed onto my bed and looked out the window. My old Oak tree still stood where it always was, reliable and unchanging except for the effects of the seasons, and I once again took comfort in that. Reaching up to close the curtains, I noticed that there was a car parked a little way down our mostly empty street. Closing the curtains, I got under my covers, and let my head settle into my pillow.
I didn’t want to think that what I’d seen was what I’d thought I’d seen. The lone car on the street looked an awful lot like a certain Gunmetal BMW, that I had ridden in on my first and last date with Charlie.
FORTY-SEVEN
“Are you sure it was him?” Diane asked, her tone even.
“No, of course not. I’m hoping that it wasn’t him.” Obviously. “I mean, it really sucks to not feel like I’m an objective observer of the world around me. I guess it could have been him, but it more likely wasn’t, yet I can’t trust that I can differentiate between possibilities. If I assume it wasn’t, I’m afraid that I’m ignoring something that would definitely not be a good thing. If I assume it was, I’m playing into my phobias and feel like I’m erasing so much of the progress that Rachel and I have made…and you and I…” Diane loved Rachel, but she got indignant if I implied that all of my steps forward were because of my therapist. Mostly, I think, it was because Diane felt that I was selling myself short, but a little part of me thought that she felt like I was ignoring how much my nurse/best friend had invested in me. We were all only human.
“Well, I feel like we’re in the same situation as we were with the phone calls. All of this can be interpreted in different ways. You and I assume that he’s becoming a problem; the rest of the world would most likely assume the opposite…or not even notice.” Not helpful, Diane.
“So what do I do?” For a bunch of people who acted like they had all of the answers for a very long time, I wasn’t getting a whole lot of guidance. I got it, they’d been helping to build a foundation so that I would eventually be able to stand on my own, but even people who hadn’t been traumatized appreciated advice now and then.
“I don’t know, Cass. Like I said, this could all be nothing.”
“But if it isn’t?”
“Exactly. We must never forget,” she said, firmly. “Right now, I’d stay in observation mode. It’s not like you go many places; when you do, stay alert and don’t allow yourself to be so distracted and in your own head.” I glared at Diane. “Sorry, but I know you, Cass. But I also know that you’re extremely careful and do your best to stay guarded. You’re good with locks, good with letting people know when you’re going anywhere, and right now, I think it’s all that you can do. If this happens again, though, we’re looking at a pattern and we need to change our strategy.”
As much as it scared me, it made me feel better to have Diane take what I’d thought I’d seen, seriously. Because she was right, nothing was certain. But I also needed to hear that I wasn’t completely paranoid or unfounded in my concern. It helped with preventing the fear from becoming an entity of its own. Ironically, baseless fear was much more difficult to combat than actualized fear. It was difficult to quantify the unknown, whereas a tangible threat could sometimes be prevented or fought against. Sometimes not, though, I reminded myself miserably.
“I feel like maybe I’m doing this to myself, Diane,” I whispered. “What if on some level I felt like I was getting to place that I wanted to be so badly, that I’d made so much progress toward, that now I’m undermining myself? What if I’m doing this to force myself back to how I was, because I’m scared to be back out there?” I was terrified to say these thoughts aloud, but Diane was my safe space and I knew that if anyone could understand, it would be her.
“Honey, it’s possible. But you just said it yourself…you want to have your life back. I’m not saying you’re not making something of nothing, but I’m certain that this isn’t some illogical attempt at self-sabotage.” She looked at me sadly, but with too much awareness to not grasp the gravity of my feelings. “Trust yourself. I still believe in you and you need to believe in yourself. Let’s pretend that we can be optimistic for a moment, and embrace how much progress you’ve made. Cass, you have a friend! That’s miles away from the girl I met in the hospital, or the friend I made in those many months after your body healed and your mind scrambled to catch up. Take the positives and focus on them. But stay on the defensive.” I nodded, needing to hear this.
“Ok, I can do that,” I finally said, hoping that I could be as confident as I’d forced myself to sound.
“Good. And you haven’t heard from him otherwise, right?”
“Right.” Thankfully.
“Ok. Let’s leave it there. I gotta get going to the hospital, so despite your always being welcome here in my humble abode, I’m going to have to kick you out,” Diane said, with a smile. I laughed and quickly gathered my stuff. Walking me out, Diane gave me her signature quick pat on the left shoulder, which meant more to me in Diane talk than if she’d outright said that she loved me, and I got into my car, wavin
g at her as I pulled away.
FORTY-EIGHT
I was bored. Plain and simple. I knew that this was a good sign, knew that if even I was getting tired of my plodding existence, that it meant that I was becoming accustomed to life, getting used to the idea of spending time with people and that my desire to have a normal existence was getting stronger. That I was getting stronger. But I was still bored, so it made it hard to celebrate my boredom.
Kara and James were out, and my Mom actually had a conference that was spanning the weekend so she had left the night before, so for once, I had my wish of my house to myself, but I no longer wanted the solitude. At first I misread my loneliness as fear, misinterpreted it as discomfort in feeling isolated, but now I was happy to announce that I was just utterly and completely unoccupied and dissatisfied with that state.
Diane had texted back that she was doing a weekend-long rotation at the hospital, and as much as Rachel and I were friends, we didn’t just ‘hang,’ so I had run out of my go-to list of people to occupy my time. And despite my desire to stay entertained, I wasn’t so unrecognizable as to decide to go out and grab a meal or see a movie by myself. That was pushing it.
Finally figuring that eating was always something that I could do and which took up some time, I ordered a pizza online, an extra-large with a gazillion toppings, mostly because it took a long time to scroll through all of the options and each one required that I check a little box as it was added to my pizza. So, I managed to spend a good forty-five minutes on the process, feeling like I was getting a lot for my money. After I’d pressed the order confirmation button, I wondered why on earth I’d just requested so much food for only myself.
Pulling my phone back out, I texted the one person who I knew would be able to help me with my little problem of a big pizza.
Ordered Extra-Large combo. ETA 15 mins. Wanna help me out with it?
TWELVE MINUTES Page 25
