But little by little I was moving further away from the girl who had been rushed into emergency surgery, and inching closer to the girl I was today. I knew that I’d never be the Cass whom I'd been before. I may never have the friendships or the boyfriends, I may never be able to completely reach the point of intentional vulnerability required for certain elements of what most people considered a normal life, but what little I could achieve had to mean something, didn’t it?
I was also disturbed by the timing of it all. Why had Charlie decided to leave me that note yesterday? It was almost like he knew that Harrison was over, that he was making a point. But was it just coincidence? I feared that I was reading into things, finding threat where there wasn’t any, but I heard Diane’s voice in my head, urging me to trust myself, to believe in my intuition and interpretation. Because my truth was just that…for me, it was the truth.
I’d fought my way to having the chance at any life at all, and I was not going to allow Charlie take that fire from me. He didn’t deserve that power, and I was unwilling to relinquish my claim on my life. I may not be the old Cass, but I was starting to like this new version of myself.
I got dressed and picked up the note again, feeling much more clear-headed and less ambushed by the whole thing. Re-reading it, I decided that without the shock that I’d experienced last night, it was still alarming. It still sounded like he was harboring delusions of a relationship with me, and there was a sinister edge to his words, like Charlie would be getting what he wanted.
Charlie was not asking.
✧✧✧
After spending my morning doing way too much thinking, avoiding way too much remembering, and picking up my phone to call Diane, Rachel, or even Harrison, but deciding against it, I needed to get out of my room. I’d heard Kara and James downstairs, their telltale joyful banter and punctuating laughter drifting up the stairs, and up until now I couldn’t face them. Deciding that maybe a little joy was exactly what I needed, I changed my clothes and slowly re-entered the world of the living.
“Hey Cass,” James said over his coffee mug from the couch, where Kara lay with her legs draped over his lap.
“Hey,” Kara added, before returning to the newspaper that she was reading. How someone could read while lying on their back was impressive, but she managed to do this often.
“How are your dissertations going?” It seemed like a good opener and usually got Kara to talk about herself for a long time, taking the burden off of me and my subpar conversation skills.
“Like you care,” she said without looking up from the paper.
“Kar,” James said softly, understanding that this wasn’t easy for me. “They’re coming along. If I could just get this one to focus once in a while, we might actually finish them…within the next century,” he added, directing his comment to me but indicating my blanket impersonating sister.
“Please. Last time we were supposed to write, someone had other ideas…” Kara teased, and James actually looked a little uncomfortable. Gross. “How was having the place to yourself?” Kara asked, finally sitting up and putting the paper down, as if remembering that while she had been in the throes of passion, I had been sitting here alone. “Sorry I didn’t text that we weren’t coming home,” she added and I actually thought she might have been feeling badly.
“Whatever. It was fine. I ordered a pizza.” And had the second worst night of my life.
“Yeah, we saw. How did you eat that whole pizza? It’s ok, I’m not shaming you…” she tacked on.
“Oh, I had help. Harrison came and ate most of it.” I did not miss the look that she and James exchanged at the mention of Harrison’s name.
“Well, maybe it was better that we didn’t come home?” Kara was testing this out, seeing if she had crossed the line by implying that I might have been doing something physical, but I found that I didn’t mind. In another world, maybe that’s exactly what would have been going on, instead of me lying unconscious on my hardwood floor. I pushed the memory from my mind.
“It was. Harrison would have been bummed not to have been able to hoover up like the entire pizza,” I responded, hoping that it made Kara feel ok for her attempt at sisterly teasing. James laughed. Thankfully, he got it. This was foreign for all of us, on many levels.
“I should have known that your ‘friend’ wouldn’t let you waste away alone in this big house,” she said, and I think that we all knew she’d taken it too far. Noisily folding the newspaper, Kara pretended like she wasn’t aware that she’d just made things awkward.
“I had my eye on those last slices, ok if I eat them?” James asked, moving things away from Kara’s misstep. Always her better half, I thought, but for once I wasn’t bitter. I was genuinely happy that they’d found each other, Kara needed someone like James to keep her grounded, and prevent her from offending the rest of the population. And James needed Kara to...well, I was still working on figuring that out.
“No prob, I don’t think I even want to see pizza again for a long time.” Was there such a thing as an extra-extra large? Because that had been a huge pizza. Maybe all of my overzealous toppings had forced them to use more dough.
“Wait. What happened to your lip?” Kara had grown overly serious as she’d now just noticed the injury to my lower lip. I had hoped that with most of the dried blood rinsed off, the split wouldn’t be so noticeable.
“Oh nothing. I may have fallen in my room and popped my lip. Last night. It was dark, I guess.” I knew that she barely believed me, but it was all that I could say on the heals of my attempt to convince them that I had been perfectly fine home alone last night.
“You should put some ointment on it, it will heal faster,” she said, but I could tell that she was working to figure out the real story. Just when I started to worry that they might wonder if Harrison had anything to do with my lip, she said quietly, “Did you faint?”
“Maybe. I guess it was a tougher night than usual,” I replied, with equal softness. Better to be truthful than to allow Kara’s wild imagination take flight.
“We’ll text the next time…” she offered, her way of letting me know that she understood that there was a whole lot more going on than just me tripping in my room.
“It was fine. I’m gonna go take a shower,” I said, getting up from my armchair and stopping in the kitchen for some water. They didn’t know that I had showered less than ten hours before. Going back to my room, I honestly didn’t know where to go from here. Because the thing was, despite how acclimated I had become to my solitude, I was no longer content with it. I didn’t want to go through the motions of life, I wanted more. I wanted what I’d started to experience, going out when I felt like it, sharing laughs with Harrison, attempting to joke around with Kara and James.
And I knew that it was kind of pathetic in the scheme of things to place so much importance on a single friendship, on the ability to make small talk with my family, to spend time with Diane that wasn’t solely focused on me, but it meant so much. It represented so much. And now I felt the weight of Charlie’s presence, impeding me, preventing my progress, making me question my safety.
And I hated him for it.
If Charlie thought that this hard sell was a way to get what he wanted, he was sorely mistaken. The more he pushed, the farther I retreated. I wanted to tell him this, but I also wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. I assumed that if radio silence was ineffective, my reaching out to him would be outright encouraging. But how did I get him to stop this quest? How did I know for sure that he wouldn’t progress in his pursuit of me? And regardless, what could I do about any of it?
I almost wanted to tell him about what had happened to me that awful day at the park, then maybe he wouldn’t think I was so desirable. But that line of thinking was wrong. I wasn’t tainted, I wasn’t ruined for other people…Diane and Rachel had worked too hard to get me to understand this. I was a new me, maybe not improved, but on a journey, and I would not let someone like Charlie stop me fro
m becoming who I had the potential to be. And no, Charlie, I didn’t deserve you…I deserved Me.
✧✧✧
Grabbing the note and dropping it into my purse, I walked slowly downstairs, calling to Kara who I'd heard in the kitchen that I was leaving for a bit. Not waiting for her questions, I unlocked the door and secured it behind me, glancing around. No BMW, so that was a relief, but had I really thought I would see it? I had a feeling that Charlie was letting his little note percolate, giving me time to process it and ruminate. Because maybe Charlie was more observant than I had assumed; he’d always seemed so self-focused, so internally driven, I’d felt like I was a side attraction. But maybe he’d deduced more about what I was truly about, maybe he’d determined that I too was quite introspective, that I spent much time in my head.
Maybe not. Maybe I was just too in my head.
Regardless, I’d reached Diane’s before I’d come to any conclusions, and was ringing her doorbell without having even given her warning of my visit. I knew she’d be home, I knew she’d be grumpy on the end of her long shift, but that wasn’t anything new. And if Diane knew that I needed her, she always found time for me.
Except for today. Diane didn’t answer her door and I assumed that she must have been asleep. Not wanting to be more of a nuisance, and now losing my momentum, I walked back to my car and got in, sitting in the driver’s seat but not really knowing how to proceed. I felt stuck. I’d felt this great rush of power as a result of what I’d sensed behind Charlie’s note, but now I didn’t know what to do with all of the residual energy that it had produced. I’d assumed that I’d talk it out with Diane; that she would be understandably worried but also curb my anxiety in her Diane-fashion, guiding me, while reining me in. Except now I was alone again.
My phone began ringing, and it startled me out of my contemplation. Harrison. Exhaling as I felt the relief of seeing his name, I answered.
“So what did they get you for? Street sweeping? It’s the only thing I could think of,” he said the second that I'd answered. The automatic smile that lifted my lips also lifted my mood. And then I realized what he was talking about.
“Oh. Yeah, it wasn’t a ticket…”
“Well that’s good, right? What was it then? A love letter?” he joked before adding, “because I could have just given it to you in person, I wouldn’t have needed to leave it on your windshield.” I got his joke, but I no longer felt like smiling. Harrison misinterpreted my silence, because he quickly said, “Kidding, Cass. I don’t write love letters…I mean, anyway, what’s up?” Was Harrison uncomfortable?
“Yeah, not much.” I felt terrible because I was making it seem like he was bothering me or something, when all I’d wanted was to talk to him moments before.
“Sorry, am I interrupting something? It’s cool, I probably should go…” I was pushing him away and that wasn’t what I wanted.
“Wanna hang out?” I quickly asked, worried that he’d hang up before I could get him to understand that it wasn’t him that was upsetting me.
“Oh. You just seemed…uh, yeah, sure. What do you wanna do?” This was weird, yet it felt right. I wanted to be in the company of someone who made me feel safe, someone who made me feel like myself without pressure, and that was Harrison to a T.
“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t have anything in mind. If you have stuff to do, don’t worry about me,” I said.
“I don’t hang out with you because I’m worried that you have nothing better to do, Cass. I like hanging out with you, we have fun,” he said, like there wasn’t anything more obvious in the world, and it almost made me want to cry, it felt so good. “Just come by my place, that way I can knock out two things at one time. My mom has me cleaning out our pantry, and it would be a lot better if I had you here to point out my mistakes,” he said, and I heard the smile in his voice.
“See you soon,” I said, hanging up since I knew he’d already beaten me to it. Smiling, I drove off to Harrison’s, feeling better now that I had a plan.
“What happened to your lip?” Harrison greeted me with at his door. Ugh, I’d forgotten about it. I had gotten very good at living with injuries and I no longer noticed the dull ache that accompanied them. Harrison reached out toward me, but then seemed to change his mind and put his hand back down at his side. But I couldn’t avoid noticing the little worried lines that appeared between his dark eyebrows.
“Oh. Nothing.” I said, figuring that Harrison would let it go like he always did. “Can I come in?” We were just standing there and I felt awkward, which wasn’t what I had been going for. Well, more awkward than usual.
“Come in. My mom took The Monster to the park. She seemed to be under the impression that I could accomplish the pantry overhaul better without distractions,” Harrison smirked. “But, seriously, what’s with the lip?” he then asked, having returned to his earlier concern.
Ok, he apparently wasn’t letting it go.
“Oh. I have these…um, I fell in my room and hit my lip, I guess.” I had a feeling that Harrison wasn’t going to be satisfied with that, and I guess I was right.
“You fell? Like you tripped? You were being weird on the phone, is every ok Cass?” I wasn’t used to this semi-serious Harrison and it was both strange and slightly endearing.
“Yeah, sure. I sometimes faint I guess, and that’s what happened.” Fainting sounded much less alarming than a panic induced blackout. I hoped.
“Did you not eat?” Why wasn’t he letting this go?
“Harrison, I’m fine…or as fine as I always am. Let it go,” I said, feeling his seriousness rub off on me and not liking it. I mean, if I showed up and Harrison had like a black eye or something, I’d be concerned too. But this was nothing and to get into it was more than I wanted.
“Ok. If you say so…I’m just…ok.” He said, deciding that it was more important to do as I’d asked than to get the answers that he was looking for. “Well, I feel weird now. I thought we were just going to watch TV but now I feel like I need to make sure that you’re ok, but you don’t want me to and…Cass?” This was a side of Harrison that I’d never seen before, and it was making me feel too many different emotions all at the same time.
“Yeah, I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have come,” I said, voicing my thoughts. Because that was what we did, except usually our thoughts were about how the other one was making an ass of themselves.
“No, I’m glad you came. You make me say dumb stuff, Cass…” Harrison looked a little embarrassed for his statement and this whole thing was getting weirder and weirder.
“I don’t think that you need me for that. Harrison, you are pretty capable of saying dumb stuff all on your own,” I said and thankfully, got a smile out of him.
“True. Ok, why don’t we go sit in the backyard. We can just hang, and it’s nice outside.” This sounded fine, but without the TV or some music, I wasn’t sure that I would be the best company.
“Sure. Um…Harrison?” He looked at me expectantly, like I was about to say that I never wanted to see him again or something equally dramatic. “I…forgot my water. Could I have some?” I couldn’t believe I’d left my house without my security blanket. I had run out on a mission to Diane’s, but I hadn’t even noticed that I’d been without it. Today was getting stranger and stranger.
“Sure. I have a bottle in the fridge, although you seem to like it room temperature.” Harrison said, although it didn’t seem like a question.
“Either way is fine. Water is just water,” I said, because I would drink it at any temperature as long as it was wet.
“Not to you, it’s not. But here.” I had followed him into the kitchen and he got the bottled water from the fridge and handed it to me, grabbing himself a soda. Leading me out through the backdoor of the kitchen, I saw that Harrison’s backyard was on the small side, the perimeters lined with wooden fencing. A plastic child’s slide sat in the middle of the postage stamp of a lawn, and various toy trucks were laying abandoned haphazardly. Bu
t the lawn was trimmed, and the various areas of shrubbery were well maintained.
Harrison sat down at the foot of the wooden stairs that led to the yard and cracked open his coke. I slowly sat down next to him, taking a long swig of my bottle of water once I was settled. We sat there like that, just listening to the birds and the traffic, not talking. I was fine with that, but then I began to worry that Harrison thought it was uncomfortable, since he took his phone out of his pocket and checked it several times, as if the last time wasn’t recent enough.
“Sorry, am I keeping you from your busy social calendar?” I asked, hoping that he wouldn’t say that I was because then I would feel like I had to leave. Harrison laughed and shook his head.
“Nope. Just the pantry, and since I’m not looking forward to weeding out ten year old cans of corn, you’re actually doing me a favor.”
“Ok,” I said while thinking, so why with the phone? It had never bothered me before, but I’d always just assumed that he had people who needed his attention. Now I was getting worried that it was an indication that he was nervous or bored…or annoyed.
“You’re even less talkative than usual, Cass…” Harrison commented, and it surprised me. My quiet nature never seemed to bother him, and he was usually more than capable of filling the silence when he had something to say. “You know, I like hanging out with you, you don’t need to feel like it’s an imposition. Or maybe I’m just reading you wrong…” He finally turned to look at me and I met his dark eyes. “I can never get over how blue your eyes are,” he said, and I smiled a little. At least stream of consciousness Harrison was one that I was familiar with.
“I got it from my Mama,” I quipped, and he chuckled a little. “I like hanging out with you, Harrison. I just don’t like to feel like I’m keeping you from something more important,” I said, truthfully. A pity hang was a hard pass for me.
TWELVE MINUTES Page 27
