Now was my chance.
“Charlie, I appreciate your interest, but it’s not going to work out. I can’t see you.” I was firm in my tone, but I tried not to be too aggressive.
“Can’t? Or won’t.” he asked, still smiling.
“Do you really want me to answer that, Charlie?” Because it was definitely ‘won’t.’ He was the same old Charlie, charming and attractive, confident and self-assured, but it didn’t hold the same allure that it once had. Now I just saw someone that I didn’t trust, someone who made me feel unsure and uncertain…and unsafe.
“If it’s Harrison, I doubt that will last. You need to be with someone of your own caliber. You need to be with me,” he said, like it was obvious. His wording only made me less interested and less receptive to hearing him out. “We’re meant for each other, Cassandra, I’m just trying to get you to see that.” He looked at me like I was a little girl who needed his guidance, and it pissed me off.
“I get a say in what I need, and Charlie, it’s not you.” That came off a little harsh, but he was making me nervous, and a little sick. I refused to believe that we were meant for each other; the very fact that he felt this way made me more wary of him. I had been studying ‘normal’ people for a long time, I had spent excessive energy observing and taking note…and this wasn’t normal.
“I’m appealing to you, Cassandra. It’s not up to you or me, the universe wants us together.” He smiled again at me, and then gestured with his arms wide open, as if inviting me to look around in order to confirm his statement.
“I have to go. I’d like you to leave me alone, Charlie.” There, I’d said it, and in no uncertain terms. I was clear and concise, and there was no room for misinterpretation. I didn’t need to enslave myself to manners, the entity that I owed anything to was myself. So screw politeness, I needed my feelings heard.
“But I'm finally getting to talk to you. At least grab a cup of coffee with me,” he said, as if I hadn’t said anything.
Glancing around, I walked rapidly to the drivers side of my car, unlocking it and getting in, slamming the door in what felt like a nanosecond. Crashing my hand into the automatic lock button, I put my hands on the steering wheel to steady myself. Staring straight ahead, I closed my eyes, inhaling and exhaling, counting each breath as if they were the only relevant thing in the world.
Not calm enough, but needing to get out of there, I opened my eyes and reached for my seatbelt as I heard the knock on the window. Startled, I continued to engage my belt, knowing who was standing beside my car. I would not roll down the window, Charlie, and your pantomime won’t sway me to do as you suggest, I thought. I briefly wondered if I’d run over his foot if I just took off, but then I waved my hand at him in a ‘get back’ signal, and luckily there was no one parked in front of me so I pulled forward and took off, trying not to speed, trying not to look back, and trying not to hyperventilate.
I got to Harrison’s and I was so focused on driving and breathing that I didn’t even remember the drive there. I pulled up and grabbed the donuts, getting out of the car and running up the walk, only focused on getting safely inside. Pounding on his door, I was relieved that Harrison opened it quickly and I pushed my way in, thrusting the box of donuts at him. I had reached such a frenzied state that I saw Harrison’s mouth moving, saw his dark eyebrows pull together in concern, but all I heard was silence as the blackness overtook me. My last thought was that Harrison must really like me since he’d dropped the donuts in favor of catching me before I hit the ground.
FIFTY-ONE
I woke up lying on a bed, and I didn’t recognize the room that I was in. The last time I’d woken up in a strange room, it had been in the hospital, so this did not help my current state. Trying to remember what had led to this, I thought of Charlie and my blood ran cold. I prayed that this wasn’t his room.
Sitting up, I looked around and took in the desk cluttered with car magazines and papers, the black boots that were discarded by the bed, and the clothes hamper overflowing with white t-shirts. I felt myself begin to calm as I took in the navy blue comforter I was lying fully clothed on, and realized that the pillow that my head had been resting on smelled familiar. Harrison.
I was apparently in Harrison’s room, and I now remembered running into his house before I must have had one of my episodes. How embarrassing, I thought. What must he think? Wiping a hand over my face, I realized that I needed some water, and I needed it now. Turning my head, I saw it. On the bedside table was a giant glass filled nearly to the brim with water, waiting for me. Grabbing it, I drank down the most beautiful thing in the world, made all the more beautiful by the thought that had been behind it.
I had satisfied my need for water, and was just setting the now only half-full glass down, when the door opened. Expecting Harrison, I was surprised to see Miranda walk in, smiling softly when she saw me. Oh god, I hoped that she didn’t assume I’d spent the night. Now my embarrassment was embarrassed.
“Cass, you’re awake. I’m so glad. How are you feeling?” She seemed to know more than I did, or at least more than I had expected her to know, so I wasn’t sure how to answer. How was I feeling? Scared, terrorized, anxious, eternally grateful to her son that I felt so safe here?
“Um, fine, I guess.” That sounded a lot better than what was in my head.
“I think you passed out. Harrison said you’d barely walked in the door…he thought that maybe this wasn’t the first time this has happened to you…?” She was standing just inside the room, giving me my space, which I really appreciated. But her kind eyes, Harrison’s eyes, told me all that I needed to know: she was here for me, she was worried about me, she was worried about her son. Because I was guessing that her son was worried about me.
“Thank you. I think I’ll be ok, this happens occasionally.” I desperately wanted Miranda to ask me just about anything else aside from why this happens.
“That seems like it would be difficult for you,” was all she said and I was reminded again of Harrison. He wouldn’t be so eloquent, but he’d know not to ask the real question.
“I guess stuff can trigger it…but I’m actually kind of embarrassed that this happened here.” Oh god, what if Ben had seen? He’d be traumatized. “Ben didn’t see me fall, right?” I would totally understand if Miranda was upset that her little boy had to witness something like that.
“No. Just Harrison…and you didn’t fall. I had an entryway full of donuts to attest to that,” she joked, smiling.
“You’re heavier than you look,” Harrison said from the doorway, but I knew that he was kidding since he looked entirely too relieved to see me sitting up and talking to his mom.
“Harrison,” she said in reprimand, but he just laughed. His laughter was like the best thing that I had heard in a million years.
“She knows I’m kidding, Mom,” he said, but he was still smiling at me. “The girl is like a feather.” Miranda shook her head and looked back at me.
“Ok, I’ll leave you be. Let me know if you need anything, Cass,” she said and I nodded. “And you, would it kill you to be serious for once in your life?” Miranda said to Harrison as she walked out of the room. He just smirked at me as she closed the door.
“Cass.” Harrison’s tone implied that he had taken what his mom had said to heart, although I suspected that since I'd dropped like an anvil before his eyes, he’d been nothing but serious. “You really know how to make a dramatic entrance,” he joked, but his eyes told me a different story. Harrison looked like he’d seriously been concerned, and my now being awake and talking hadn’t alleviated as much of the worry as I would have expected. “I’d ask you if you were ok, but I think that’s too dumb of a question even for me.” He was the same Harrison, but his usual open and easy expression was missing. “This happen often?” he asked.
“Well I usually try not to have an audience…” I replied, hoping to get the little worry lines to disappear from his face. I felt awful for making him feel this way. I ha
d always thought that it was worse to have these episodes when I was alone; I now realized it was far worse to cause someone the upset that I’d clearly caused Harrison, by having one in someone else’s presence.
“Is this how you fell in your room?” I nodded, figuring that was enough. I felt too exposed, too wide open, especially on the heels of the horrific encounter with Charlie. “Ok…I’m trying not to make you tell me stuff that you don’t want to, Cass. But you scared the shit out of me. Jesus, it was like you were being chased into my house and then you were here one minute and gone the next.” He still hadn’t moved away from the door and I suddenly felt awkward that we were in his room, but I was the one spread out on his bed, and he looked like he felt apprehensive about entering any farther. Like he was worried that he wasn’t welcome, or like I was a deer he’d come upon and he was afraid that he’d scare me away if he made any sudden movements.
“Sorry to worry you, Harrison,” I said quietly.
“Well I was pretty damn relieved to at least see that you were still breathing, even if you were unconscious. I’m sorry, Cass, I couldn’t get you to come back…I brought you in here and…I called my mom,” he admitted, as if he thought I’d be mad about that. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t know what to do.”
“Harrison, it’s fine. You didn’t do anything wrong…hey, you really helped a girl and her face out by catching me…” My pretty face.
“Well, that may have been selfishness on my part,” he said, and I wanted to laugh at his attempt at a joke. But I wasn’t there yet. I was reliving the commotion in my head as I’d been running up his walk, the chaos of trying to make sense of what Charlie had said and reconciling it with my past, the confusion on Harrison’s face as I began to fade out…it was all swarming me at the same time.
And as if life weren’t unfair enough, I had apparently started crying
“Damn it,” I sniffled, as I watched Harrison wage a war with himself, finally giving up and coming over to the bed, where he dropped down on his knees so that we were eye level.
“Cass…Cassie Cass, don’t cry. I can’t see that and know that there’s nothing I can do about it,” he said pleadingly. “Come on, you gotta say something,” he said, softly.
“Harrison, I would love to be your girlfriend…but I can’t.”
Harrison blinked before he said, “I know.” If I’d wondered if I could get anymore embarrassed, well, I could. “A girl like you with a guy like me? Come on, Cass, I’m not that clueless,” he added, like he was stating the most obvious fact.
“That’s not…I can’t be with anyone,” I said, and I knew that I hadn’t clarified anything, but I wanted to scream that it wasn’t him, that he was amazing, that it was me, that it would always be me.
Harrison slowly reached out with his hand, like he was moving in slow motion, and gently wiped the tears from the right side of my face. I wanted to recoil, I wanted to tell him not to touch me, but more than that, I wanted him to show me the care and comfort that his tiny act embodied. I closed my eyes, savoring the light caress of his fingers, willing myself to hold on to how it felt in this moment to enjoy being touched.
“Charlie, I got. But me? Don’t worry, I understand.” He said quietly.
“But I don’t want to be with Charlie…” I let that statement hang in the air, and all that it implied.
“I’ve never understood any of this, why you were even hanging out with me, but I wasn’t going to be ungrateful for what you offered. What you could give me, just how you make me feel when we spend time together, it’s enough,” Harrison said, trying to get me to understand what he thought he knew. I heard an unspoken, ‘for now,’ at the end of his statement, but I didn’t even feel like it was from him. It was my voice that had expressed my sentiment in my head. I had grown too attached to Harrison, I had let down my walls and allowed him in, and I worried that I would be the one who became dissatisfied with how things were. But what could I do about that? If friendship with Harrison wasn’t enough, but more seemed impossible, where did that leave us? Where did that leave me?
“Harrison?” I whispered, and even though the majority of the day had passed, and the sun was starting to set, his dark eyes glittered and I read what I knew that I would in them. That whatever I had to say, whatever I asked, he’d do everything that he could to make it happen. “Will you…can you just lie down next to me?” I was talking so quietly, barely believing my own words myself, that it was a wonder that he heard me at all. But Harrison always heard me.
As I settled back down, remaining on the side of the bed that was closest to the door and the table with my glass of water next to me, Harrison got up from the ground and slowly walked to the end of the bed. Pausing for long enough that I began to wonder what he was thinking, he seemed to reach some kind of decision. As gently as possible, he scooted onto the bed and into the space next to me, making a point not to touch me as he lay down.
Rachel had always assured me that this was possible. She had all but guaranteed that I could reach a point where something like this would feel right, would feel natural. But I never believed her. I'd always assumed that it was part of her technique, keep me striving for my goals by making the impossible seem possible. Because I had to want it, I had to come to terms with allowing myself to feel this unguarded, for the sake of something greater, to allow myself to know that it was ok to feel this way, in order to ever get there.
I wanted to close my eyes, but I needed a moment where I had all of my faculties as I calmed my breathing and lay here, feeling the heat radiate off of Harrison, feeling beyond grateful that he wasn’t closer than he was, and feeling myself release a minute amount of tension as I acknowledged that this was what I needed. I was permitting myself to accept what he was offering, allowing him to give me what I was comfortable with receiving, and in that moment, I gave myself permission to appreciate this gift.
After we’d lain in silence, and night had made its presence concrete, I listened to Harrison’s easy breathing and began to relax. I could do this. This was enough. I wanted to lie here like this, next to him.
Finally breaking the silence, I said, “Your mom is never going to get that pantry organized.” Harrison laughed softly, a sound that made a tiny smile form on my face.
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s she’s given up on that crusade,” he said. We continued to lie side by side, the only sounds being the crickets outside and our breathing. I wanted to give Harrison more; not physically, but I wanted to trust him with more. I wanted to allow him entrance to the not-so-funhouse of my mind, or at least provide him with a bit more understanding, and this scared me even more than letting him lie so close to me.
“Cass?” he finally said, breaking me out of my introspection. “I used your phone…I texted Kara just to tell her that you were here. Sorry if that makes you mad…” I actually wanted to laugh.
“Thank you, they worry about me sometimes…” I hadn’t even thought about the fact that my not coming home would be alarming to my mom and sister. They pretended like they took no note of my whereabouts, but I knew that at least my mom, was acutely aware of my location at all times.
“I’m glad I’m not the only one,” he said, and I appreciated the sentiment. But I also dreamed of a day when I didn’t need to be worried about so much.
“Your doing something thoughtful and for the sake of another’s peace of mind is not something I would get mad about, Harrison.”
“Ok,” was all he said. How different Harrison was from whom I'd thought when I’d met him. He was exactly the same, in some regards, but worlds apart from my first impression. Then again, he’d thought that I was a bitchy Ice Queen, so I wasn’t alone in my misjudgement.
“You know, my dad wasn’t a nice guy, and he created more chaos than joy for us, Cass. It was a blessing when he left. But I’ve come to realize that I’m actually grateful for two things that I got from my dad…” Harrison was quiet for a minute, but I didn’t want to say anything to interrupt his
train of thought. Inhaling deeply, he finally said, “From my dad I learned that bad things happen, but that you can’t let them defeat you. And, I got his last name…which somehow happened to follow ‘Warren’ in the class roster.” Harrison was telling me he remembered that by chance, we’d been placed in the same project group, that by luck we’d met each other, and he was thankful for that. “Well, I guess I learned the first part from my mom, so let’s just credit my dad with something that he had absolutely no control over.” I smiled.
“Yeah, I guess we got a break, for once. Maybe it shows that good things happen too…” I wondered if I truly believed this, and then decided that right now, in this moment, I did.
“Goodnight, Cassie Cass,” was the last thing that I heard Harrison whisper, before I must have fallen asleep.
✧✧✧
I thought that I’d be more alarmed to wake up in a bed that wasn’t my own. But without even opening my eyes, and simply by inhaling through my nose, I knew that I was safe. The smell of soap and boy and all around Harrison was enough to put me at ease. I could tell that I was alone, his soft breathing absent from the sounds of the rest of the world around me, but it was almost better this way. It gave me time to reflect, to collect myself, and to contemplate where to go from here.
I’d opened myself up past the point that I'd thought I was capable of, I had trusted someone enough to sleep next to me, I had allowed the vulnerability that came with something like this. But the stranger part was that I was ok with this. I wanted to reach a point like this in my life, and although it might seem like nothing to others, this was a huge step for me. Especially for someone who was used to being immobilized.
Finally sitting up, I looked around and saw that my phone was sitting next to me on the bedside table. Picking it up and checking it, I saw the brief message that Harrison had sent Kara, to which she’d responded with a thumbs up. At least they knew that I was ok. I was thankful that the phone had been set to silent, though, when I felt the dread wash over me as I noted the call notifications: 4 missed calls from Charlie.
TWELVE MINUTES Page 29
