by Portia Moore
I guess she could have my old room, but I can’t make that decision without him. I’m so exhausted I can’t even process what’s going on in my day-to-day life, much less decide if Alex’s wild child sister can come to live with us.
I don’t even know how much longer there’s going to be an us.
“You’re going to have to wait until your brother comes home for an answer,” I say tiredly. “I’m sorry I can’t say yes for sure. But you can totally crash until he gets home, and then you guys can work this out, okay?”
She hops off of the counter, her expression brightening. “I’m fifty percent of the way there, then,” she says cheerily, flitting over to me and pecking me on the cheek.
I watch her go off into the living room, hear the buzz of the television as she turns it on, and let out the breath I’ve been holding.
Is it a sign that she’s here? That inevitably I’ll have to go, and Alex won’t be alone? He’ll have a shoulder to cry on. I should be relieved.
But all I can think about is how much harder it’s going to be to have to let yet another person down. I’m surrounded by family—family that loves each other, that fights and argues and supports one another. Even as dysfunctional as some of Jackson’s side is, even as badly as Alyssa and her parents are fighting right now, there’s still cohesion. They’re still doing it together and in some odd way I want to be a part of that. I want to marry Alex and be included in this messy, loving, insane chaos. But instead I’m going to destroy it.
Alyssa is too wrapped up in the reality TV episode she’s watching to see me head back down the hall to my bedroom
I flop back onto the bed, which still smells faintly of my shampoo and Alex’s warm skin, and wonder if I close my eyes and wish hard enough, this will all just go away.
I doubt it, but it’s worth a try.
6
I don’t remember falling asleep but the sound of the door opening and Alyssa’s squeal as Alex walks in wakes me up. I sit up, rub my eyes, and look down at my rumpled appearance. I decide to try to make myself at least a little more presentable before Alex sees me—I know he loves me just the way I am, but the stress of the last few days has really fucked with me, and I look like a mess. I throw on a pair of skinny jeans, put on a bra and a clean, navy blue t-shirt, run a brush through my hair, and brush my teeth before I go out into the living room.
Alex is thrilled at seeing Alyssa, and that sends a wave of relief through me—at least this is a good surprise.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he asks, dropping his leather messenger bag to the floor. He narrows his eyes. “Don’t you have school?”
Alyssa makes a pouting face and hops up onto the back of the sofa. “Aren’t you glad to see me?”
“Yeah but you’re supposed to be at school.”
Alyssa twirls a piece of hair around her finger and chews on the ends for a moment before responding in what I can only assume is her sweetest, most persuasive voice: “I dropped out Alex. But only because I want to be self-sufficient! I want to save up for my own business, just like you are. School isn’t for me; I want to be an artist. I want to work hard and save up for my own studio and be my own person. I’m sort of hoping I could stay here for a little while, and we could hang out—I feel like I never get to see you anymore—and maybe I could even work for that catering company, do some bartending gigs. I know how to make drinks; you could put in a good word for me…” she rattles off so quickly she might as well be speaking at a million miles a second.
Alex stares at her, astonished. “You…dropped out of school? What did Mom and Dad say?!”
“They’re pissed,” Alyssa admits in a much smaller voice. “They cut me off. That’s why I need a place to stay. And…and a job.”
“And you want me to give you all of that?” he asks through a stressed laugh.
“No!” She sounds indignant. “I don’t want to be given anything. Well… maybe a place to stay, for a little while. But as soon as I get on my feet, I’ll pay rent! And I just thought maybe you had some connections for a job…but I’ll work really hard, and you won’t regret it.” She glances at me, her eyes wide and pleading. “Madison says she doesn’t mind! Didn’t you?”
Why is she bringing me into this?!
Alex glances at me, and I raise my hands “I did say I don’t mind her staying, until you got home but the decision is totally yours Alex.” Alyssa’s face falls, and she sighs. “But I do think if she doesn’t feel like school is for her, she shouldn’t be forced to go. It isn’t really fair to cut her off just for wanting to be independent and forge her own path, especially when everyone is so proud of you for doing the same thing.”
Alex stares at me for a second, and I think at first, he’s going to be angry. And then he laughs. “I can’t be a hypocrite I guess.”
“Does that mean…” she mumbles, her enthusiasm growing by the second.
“I’ll help you as much as I can…” he relents, cracking a smile.
Alyssa’s eyes brighten. “Wait, you mean…”
“You can stay here. But,” he says quickly, raising a finger before she can say anything more, “You can’t work for me. I’ll put some feelers out, help where I can, but you still need to look for a job on you own. You can stay here while you do. As long as it’s okay with Madison.”
Alyssa glances at me, and I shrug. “She’s your sister, Alex. Of course it’s fine.”
The look Alex gives me is almost a relieved elation. There’s a glow filling the room and for a moment, it’s cozy and safe and makes me feel optimistic. Alex’s love for those he cares about, it might trump everything else—disappointment, shame, and fear.
“I have experience in marketing,” Alyssa says thoughtfully. “I hated it, but I was pretty good at it. I was thinking that… Do you think your dad might have something for me?”
And the moment is shattered.
The reference to him decimates the optimism I had, and sends my stomach sinking down to my toes. It reminds me that all of this could be temporary.
“Can we invite him over for dinner?” Alyssa continues eagerly. “Your dad loves me. I know if I can just talk to him in person, I can get him to hire me!” she squeals like a six-year-old.
“Getting my dad to hire you is definitely making your own way,” Alex says sarcastically, and she pouts at him.
“Please big brother, pleeeaaase,” she whines, throwing her arms around him. And I see in this moment, under the edginess and attitude, Alyssa is the quintessential spoiled younger sibling used to getting her way. I see Alex’s reservation melt by the second.
“Okay, okay. I’ll get him here but it’s up to you to sell him.”
“Yay!!!” she squeaks happily but my heart has just stopped.
“No!” I exclaim, and they both look at me in unison, clearly confused.
“That’s not a good idea,” I continue, unable to stop myself, and Alex’s brow furrows.
“Why not? If he does hire her it would be a hell of a thing to put on her resume and in all honesty, he’ll probably pay her more than what she’d make doing Postmates or picking up side jobs.”
I scramble for a reason, realizing how much of a lunatic I must seem like right now. I can’t think of a reason to give that doesn’t sound completely idiotic. Alyssa is scowling at me and Alex is wearing a bemused grin that is going to turn into a suspicious glare if I don’t think of something. All I know is I don’t want to see Jackson right now—or ever—with them again, and I know that won’t exactly be possible to avoid, but I definitely don’t want to see him here in our place. It’s already been sort of tainted with the Holly mess and I’d prefer it not to be contaminated with our screwed up pasts any further.
“She could work with me. You know I’m trying to expand my business and I have some prospects on getting more social media clients,” I say quickly. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for coming up with that on the fly. “I could hire Alyssa on to help me.”
Alyssa looks mildly intrigued.
“My social media class was one I didn’t totally hate. I mean, influencers are dumb, but I love how easily manipulated people are by like…hashtags and stuff. I could totally do that.” She swivels on the back of the couch to face me. “How much are you paying?”
Shit. There’s no way I can come even close to what Jackson would offer. I mentally try to calculate my own salary from serving and my freelance work in my head, thinking of what I have left over after bills and savings. Bills that are going to go up real soon when I’m on my own again, if Alex finds out!
“Maybe ten or eleven an hour,” I say, knowing it’s a shit offer but hoping she’ll bite. “Once the business gets off the ground, I can raise it…”
Alyssa looks disappointed. “I’m sorry, Madison,” she says. “I feel like you’d be really cool to work with…but I’m pretty sure what Alex’s dad could offer would be more—hell, Starbucks would be more.”
“We get the point Lis,” Alex cuts in trying to save me from further embarrassment.
“It’s okay,” I say quickly. “I get it. I just thought maybe since Jackson’s offices are going to be so high-pressure…”
“I can handle it,” she says easily. “So, Alex, maybe dinner this weekend?”
“Sure,” he sighs. “But I’m exhausted Sis. You can put your stuff in the spare bedroom, and it’s yours.”
Alyssa launches herself off of the couch and wraps her arms around Alex’s neck. “Thank you so much!” she squeals, jumping up and down. “You’re the best brother in the whole world!”
“I try,” Alex says sarcastically. “You ready for bed babe?”
“Yeah,” I say, linking my fingers through his, trying to be normal, to not show that my nerves are in shreds.
Once we’re in our bedroom, he strips off his shirt and pants, down to his boxers. I watch, unable to tear my eyes away from his muscled chest, from the flex of his arms as he pulls his shirt over his head and throws it into the laundry hamper. He casually pushes his hair out of his face and grins at me, crawling onto the bed. I’ve already gotten out of my jeans and bra and am tucked under the covers trying to figure out my next move, how to fix this shit show that’s become my life.
“Are you sure you’re really okay with Alyssa staying here?” Alex looks at me as he slides under the duvet, rolling to face me. “I’d understand if you weren’t, you know that, right? Alyssa can be a handful, and well…it’s not always fun having roommates, you know? We can’t walk around naked, have sex wherever we want, be as loud as we want…” He raises an eyebrow as he looks at my chest suggestively, and I can’t suppress the small smile that creeps across my face. “She’ll probably be here a while. You know how expensive it is here, and even once she can pay rent, I’d want her to save on cash, and have roommates she knows she likes. If you don’t want her here though…”
“Shh.” I put a finger gently to his lips. “Of course I’m happy for her to be here, babe. She’s your sister. And honestly, I think it’s kind of crappy that she got cut off. It’s not like she’s doing drugs or trying to slum it here, she just wants to take a less conventional path. I don’t think she should be punished for that.”
Alex rolls onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. “I was thinking the same thing.” He glances at me, smiling. “And I’m glad you want her here. It meant a lot to me, too, to hear you say that.”
There’s silence for a few moments, and then he looks at me again. “Speaking of family, have you been thinking about the situation with your dad?”
I flinch. That’s not a topic I’m in any state to discuss, and I don’t want to think about it right now.
“I haven’t decided,” I tell him quickly. “I’m still thinking about it.”
I can tell that he wants to ask more questions. I know he wants me to feel as if I’m important too, that it’s not all about him and his family, that he’s prioritizing me and mine. It’s sweet, and I appreciate it, but I don’t want to answer anything else. I’m afraid that any line of questioning is going to somehow lead back to Jackson, and I can’t go there yet.
I roll towards Alex, smiling at him as I lean up to kiss him. “I can think of better things to do than talk, anyway,” I murmur against his lips.
“Oh, yeah?” He runs his fingers through my hair, moves as if to roll on top of me, but I gently push him back into the mattress, pushing the blankets back as I swing one leg over his, stretching along him as I slide my lips down his cheek, down to the spot on his throat just below his ear that I know he likes.
He moans softly when I kiss him there, and I can feel him starting to harden, pressing against my hip as I slide one hand down his chest, fingers trailing over the fine hairs and down to his stomach. He groans as my hand slides just past his dick, reaching to tug down his boxers but never quite touching him as I move downwards, running my tongue along his collarbone, and then beginning to kiss a trail down his chest.
“Shit…” he groans as it becomes clear what I’m planning to do, and his hips arch up with anticipation, his eyes fluttering closed as I toss his boxers aside and smooth my hands over his hips, kissing first one hipbone and then the other, my hair trailing over his erect shaft as he groans, his cock twitching.
“Remember, you can’t be loud,” I tease, looking up at him with a wicked grin as I flick my tongue out. He moans, looking down at me as if he’s seconds away from begging me to put him in my mouth.
I reach for him then and slide my hand over him in a few long strokes, watching his face, hearing him groan as I run my lips up the side, my tongue tracing circles just below the tip. His fingers tangle in the sheets, his legs spreading as I settle between them, and I grin. Alex loves how I go down on him, loves that I enjoy doing it, and I love the reactions I get from him. He’s not stoic and quiet like a lot of men, he moans and writhes and groans and talks dirty, and if I’m being entirely honest, it turns me on too. But I’m planning on making this all about him tonight, making him forget any questions he might be thinking about asking. I want him to remember these times between us, the times when I made him feel good, when I gave him all the pleasure I could possibly manage.
He moans again when I slide my lips over the tip, taking him inch by slow inch into my mouth, sucking and caressing with lips and tongue as I slide him into the back of my throat. My lips almost brush the skin at the base, and I choke a little, moving back up quickly. He runs his fingers through my hair, gently, not grabbing or yanking, but I can feel the pressure of his hand increase as I suck and lick, feel his hips thrusting up despite himself. I love this part the most. Where he can’t help but thrust himself into my mouth, where it’s all he can do not to grab my hair and push my mouth down. Getting him this out of control drives me crazy.
I give him all I can, twisting my hand around the shaft in the motion I know he likes as I slide my lips up and down, deep-throating him twice more until I feel his hips jerk and hear him moan my name, and I know he’s almost there. He’s writhing on the bed, and I feel him stiffen and throb between my lips, harder than I’ve ever felt him.
“Fuck I’m going to come,” he hisses, his fingers wrapping themselves in my hair as his hips jerk. “I’m going to…now…”
It’s my warning, he always lets me know, but I want him in my mouth tonight. I want the taste of him, to feel him let go, to give him the best orgasm I possibly can. I sink down, my tongue sliding along him, the tip rubbing against the roof of my mouth, and I feel him come, taste him, warm and salty on my tongue as he cries out, back arching as he gasps and moans my name again.
He’s still panting when I move up to lay next to him, pushing my hair out of my face. He turns to kiss me, pulling my mouth hard against his. “You really missed me today huh…”
“I miss you every day.” I smile at him, laying my head down on the pillow as I watch the expression on his face.
“Let me show you how much I missed you?” He touches my hip, sliding his hand over it.
I shake my head. “Not tonight. I just wanted
to make you feel good.”
“You sure as hell did.” He flops back with a sigh, pulling me against him as he closes his eyes. “I’m going to sleep good tonight, that’s for sure.”
I’m not so sure that’s the case for me. But I try, anyway.
7
The next day I wake and instead of just the situation with Jackson on my mind, now I can’t get Alex’s questions about my dad out of my head. After he leaves for work, and Alyssa goes out looking around the city, I get out my laptop—which I should be doing work on—but I find myself on Facebook again scrolling through my dad’s profile as well as those of his two other daughters…my sisters, I guess. I’ve been doing it every day since I found out, and it’s almost become an obsession that I haven’t told anyone about, not even Melissa. It’s surreal that there’s a whole other family we could be a part of, if we wanted it. Not that I do…but I also can’t say that I don’t.
I loved my father once, more than anything. How can I still love him after he abandoned us for some other woman I don’t know, and left my family in shambles? He wrecked my mother and left us torn apart.
I hate him for it.
And yet I still come back to his profile. He doesn’t have up many pictures and seems to have abandoned the whole thing three years ago.
Just like he abandoned my family.
But I stare at the few pictures he does have posted and I search for little pieces of me in him. The obvious is the eyes I get so many compliments on, which are his, but there’s also a dimple on his left cheek that matches mine and it makes my stomach turn over. I tell myself I’m doing this to get closure because I’m angry, and I should be. I can trace so many bad decisions back to that one night—all of my mistrust in men, my fear of commitment. It’s screwed my life up so many times. I should be able to just throw the information away, stop stalking him and his family’s social media, and forget all about it.
It’s not like I don’t have enough going on already.
