by Portia Moore
“I love you Alex,” I tell him and his smile softens.
“I love you too babe,” he replies, and to my horror I feel my eyes tearing up.
“I think I gotta throw up now. Bye babe,” I tell him hurriedly. It’s not entirely a lie because I think I am going to throw up, but I can’t let him see me cry like a whimpering idiot. A few minutes go by and then Alyssa comes into the room, only slightly stumbling.
“Alex said to check on you. Why are you sad?” she asks, pulling me to her side.
“Because I’m a big fuck up,” I tell her, covering my face with a pillow.
“Don’t ya know my brother loves fuck ups? That’s why he loves me so much!” She laughs and for some reason I burst out in laughter too. She stands up and heads out the room. I think she’s gone to bed but she comes back with two bottles of water and hands me one.
“Here’s to being imperfect. It sounds classier than fuck up.” She laughs and I snort and we clink bottles before downing them.
“So…did you tell him? Your ex-boyfriend?” She asks out of the blue and I almost forgot what she means.
My heart slams in my chest, reminding me that I’m not only a fuck up but a complete idiot.. “No,” I say quietly. “No, I didn’t.”
It feels like there’s a construction site going on in my head.
I am never drinking again. I sit up in bed and I’m at least grateful for just the headache without my stomach turning in on itself. There’s a water bottle next to me that only has about a swig left so I finish it off.
Last night was fun. I smile to myself. Alyssa’s pretty cool and…OH FUCKING SHIT.
Panic suffocates me as I start to remember last night in more detail. I told Alyssa! I told her I slept with Jackson…no, I didn’t say it was Jackson, but I did say my boyfriend’s dad, I think. Did I say ex-boyfriend? Shit shit shit! How could I have been so stupid? Maybe I could just say I was drunk and made it up to make her feel better, but what type of psycho does that? She isn’t stupid. She even brought him up. What the hell! I can’t believe I did that!!!
I grab my phone, pulse pounding in my throat, and call the only person I can think of who might actually be able to give me some sober advice.
Parker answers on the third ring. “Maddy Patty, what’s up?”
“I fucked up, I really, really fucked up!” I shriek, and I hear her sigh on the other end.
“What happened!?”
“I’m in Chicago for the weekend. Greg is proposing to Melissa.”
“What! That’s so amazing. Weddings are in the air!” she squeals gleefully.
“Yeah, it’s awesome. But listen to me, Alex’s sister—”
“The one whose wedding you went to?” she interrupts and I groan.
“No the other one—Alyssa—talked her way into coming with me, and we went out last night. We got um…pretty drunk.”
“Please don’t tell me you slept with her, too.”
“What? No!” I exclaim. “Parker, seriously?”
I can almost hear her shrug on the other end. “No, but it’s worse. She was telling me how she slept with her roommate’s boyfriend.”
“Nooo,” she says dramatically in only the way Parker can.
“I know but she felt terrible and I was drunk and wanted to make her feel better, and I told her I slept with my boyfriend’s dad.”
“You what? Madison are you insane?!” she shrieks.
“I know, I know,” I whine.
“Wait, let’s backtrack. You said you were drunk. You told her that you slept with Jackson?” Parker says trying to remain calm.
“No, I wasn’t that stupid thank God. I didn’t say which boyfriend, but I think she asked if it was Jackson, and I denied it and said it was someone before Alex.”
“Okay, okay…it’s not as terrible as it could be,” Parker says sounding a tiny bit more relieved.
“But what if she doesn’t believe me! What if she wakes up, and thinks about it, and puts two and two together?”
“You said you weren’t going to tell Alex, when we talked the other day. You’re still sticking to that?”
“I am,” I say miserably. “I can’t lose him, Parker. I just, I made a mistake but I don’t want to lose him because of it. I can’t see my life without him.” Parker is quiet and I wish she would say something, anything, and she finally does.
“Well, you stick to the story if she brings it up, maybe she won’t even remember it since you both were drinking. Just don’t bring it up, okay?” I think about how many lies and half-truths are starting to pile up and pray that they don’t bury me.
I’m on a mission when I order breakfast for us. It’s not just to feed our alcohol-filled stomachs but to get Alyssa in as good of a mood as I can. So I get a whole spread of waffles, bacon, sausage, hash browns, pancakes, orange juice, and a Monster; Alyssa might as well be addicted to them. She wakes up right after I’ve unboxed everything, sleep still in her eyes, and they bug out as she sees the food. “I’m starving! You are my favorite person in the world right now!” she sings, flopping down at the table.
I hand her two ibuprofen and her Monster.
“Let’s get married,” she says dramatically as she cracks open the Monster and starts downing it. I smile at her and stuff a piece of bacon in my mouth before sitting down to join her.
“I haven’t been that drunk in forever,” she groans, stuffing her mouth full of eggs. “Well, not for like a month, at least.” She shrugs.
I laugh, remembering my own college days. “I barely remember anything from last night.” Alyssa wrinkles her nose, popping the ibuprofen in her mouth and finishing off the green neon can I gave her.
I try to swallow down the glee I feel and play it cool. “You were that wasted, huh?”
“But I know we had so much fun.” She giggles and then drops her head a bit. “I do remember telling you about my roommate’s boyfriend.” She flushes pink. “You probably think I’m a total slut.”
“I don’t,” I say gently. “We all make mistakes. And I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” She gives me a soft grateful smile and it takes everything in me to not ask her if she remembers anything else.
“Thanks Madison.” She winces, rubbing the side of her head. “This headache is a bitch. I need to shower and get more sleep.” She groans. “Are you okay to clean this up?” she asks, standing from the table.
“Yeah, I’m not as bad off as you,” I say easily. Maybe Parker was right; she doesn’t remember. I’m in the clear! I need to go to someone’s church this Sunday and thank God a million times.
“I’m going to go see my mom today. You’ll be okay here?”
“Oh yeah,” Alyssa agrees. “I plan on being dead to the world the rest of this trip,” she groans before disappearing into the bathroom. I pull out my phone and text Parker that we hopefully are in the clear and she immediately texts back three high fives and a lady dancing emoji. I let out a big sigh of relief.
9
I haven’t told my mom about finding my dad. I haven’t told anyone yet, actually. But as I walk up to her front door my nerves feel like they’re boiling in my stomach. I don’t know how she’s going to react when I not only tell her I looked for him, but that I found him. I’m tired of having so many secrets, and this is one I’m ready to release.
She looks tired when she opens the door, but hugs me and waves me inside. She sits me down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and leans against the counter with her own cup. I realize just how much I’ve missed her as I’m sitting in the home I grew up in. Doing homework at this very table, spending time together…though there were also plenty of times I woke up in the middle of the night to hear her crying over the same man I’ve been stalking the last few weeks.
“Can you believe Mel is getting married. I’m so excited for her. I think Greg is going to be good for her,” I tell my mom as we sip our coffee.
“I hope so honey. I sure hope so,” she says with a weary smile.
“Is ev
erything okay Mom?” I ask her, gripping the glass as she waves me off.
“I’m fine honey, I’ve just been working a lot of hours.”
“Why? The house is paid for now, you shouldn’t be killing yourself working.”
“I like my job, you know that. And it gives me something to do. I just picked up a few too many shifts but I’m fine. How are you and Alex?” she asks and I can’t help but smile at the mention of his name.
“Alex is great,” I tell her simply, not daring to go into the issues that we have. I have more than enough to discuss with her today.
“I’m glad. I’ve never seen you look happier than when you’re with him!” she says happily, and I bite my lip.
“What’s wrong, is everything okay? You’re not getting scared again are you?” she asks worriedly and I shake my head, but realize this is the perfect opening.
“No, no…Alex is amazing. I don’t know what more I could want,” I tell her honestly and she smiles brightly and squeezes my hand. I clear my throat and muster up my courage.
“I wanted to ask you a question.” I glance down at my coffee.
“Anything.” She eyes me, taking another sip. I grip my mug tightly.
“It’s about…it’s about Dad.” Her body immediately stiffens. That’s probably the last question she ever expected me to ask.
“Where is this coming from?” she says, her brows furrowed.
“It’s not coming from anywhere new. The questions have always been there I just, I never had a reason to ask them,” I tell her cautiously. She clears her throat and her eyes narrow in on me.
“And there’s a reason now?” she asks shortly.
I lean forward. “I found him.”
She looks like she’s seen a ghost. “Why?” she asks, her voice slightly raised. “Why would you do that?” she shrieks. “How did you find him, and why would you even look for him to begin with?” Guilt twists around my heart at the hurt in her eyes. My mom has never been perfect but she was the one who worked long hours for us and sacrificed so much, while my dad was off doing whatever the hell he wanted to.
“Mom, him leaving has affected my whole life. We just pretended like he didn’t exist after he left. Didn’t talk about him, or what he was doing, or anything else about why it happened—even after Melissa and I were grown up. It hurts not knowing. It’s affected everything about my life—about who I became, the choices I’ve made. He just got to…to move on, and have another family, and his own life, like we didn’t even matter! So I want to know about it, and why that was worth it to him… He just forgot about us.” I’m on the verge of tears, and I sniff them back. I don’t want to cry, not now. I need her to understand how important this is to me.
“Things ended badly between me and him and I’d rather not revisit it.”
“Mom, are you even listening to what I’m saying to you? I want to confront him. I want to know why,” I plead to her, but her face has become blank.
“It doesn’t matter, Madison. He wasn’t there. He hasn’t been for over twenty years. Why are you doing this now?”
I’m so frustrated that she doesn’t get it. I can understand if she feels hurt by it but I feel like she’s being so freaking selfish right now. I let out a deep breath and try to keep my calm. I don’t want to fight with my mother, I don’t want this to divide us. I just wanted to be honest with her, but this is where being honest gets you apparently.
“Mom! I didn’t come to ask for your permission. I just thought that you should know.”
“Know what?” she says, her voice quiet.
“That I’m going to confront him.”
Her eyes go wide and her skin flushes.
“Just leave it be Madison, you’re not a little girl anymore. You’ve grown and are happy and—”
“I’m missing a big part of myself! This is something I need to do, and I’m going to do it. I just thought I’d tell you, see if there was anything you wanted to tell me about him I guess.” She’s not looking at me and it’s making me not want to look at her. The silence is eerie and I don’t know where we go from here.
“Did you tell Melissa about this? That you found him?” she says finally after clearing her throat.
“No. I wanted to talk to you about it first,” I tell her, calming down. She nods and lets out a sigh.
“I’d appreciate it if we can discuss this later. I’d rather do it with the both of you so I don’t have to do this twice, and I’d prefer it if we can wait until after the proposal tonight,” she says, her voice calm, cool, and steady.
“Yeah,” I murmur, looking down at my hands. “We can do that,” I promise her. I owe her that at least.
The rest of the day is weighed down by my non-conversation with my mom. I keep replaying it over and over again. Something doesn’t feel right about it, and I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I try to ignore it and prepare myself to be in a great mood for Mel’s dinner.
Alyssa is still asleep by the time I make it back to the Airbnb, and it gives me time to get ready in peace. I take my time curling my hair, and put on the dress that Tiffany had told me to keep, along with pearl earrings and nude high heels. I’m proud of myself; this is an outfit Mel will definitely approve of. And today is about Mel so I try to push the worries about my mom and dad aside on the ride to the restaurant. The last thing I want to do is cause any tension, tonight of all nights. I make small talk with Mom, both of us pretending as if the conversation earlier didn’t happen. I’m not okay with it but I’ll play nice for now.
The restaurant is Melissa’s favorite: a super fancy Mediterranean place that’s on the water, the exterior built to look like a house in Greece. There’s a cool breeze and it smells delicious from the moment I walk in. Some of my worries melt away, leaving only excitement for my sister. I imagine her face when she sees my dress, and can’t wait to show her.
The hostess leads us to the table that’s reserved for family and friends, and I’m completely shocked when I walk in and Alex is there, looking as handsome as ever in black dress slacks and a dark grey shirt, mingling comfortably with my family as if he’s known them forever. I gasp, and when he turns to see me a fantastic smile spreads across my face. He walks over to me and enfolds me in a strong, much-needed hug.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, happily in disbelief.
“This was important to you. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He looks down at me, his eyes shining, and I can see how much he loves me, how happy he is for Melissa, and to be here with me. I’m glad all over again that I’ve decided not to tell him, I push the guilt down as far into the pit of my stomach as I can, refusing to let it taint this moment. My mom hugs Alex and thanks him for coming. She’s beaming and looks really pretty tonight. Her light blonde hair is in a chignon, her face covered lightly with makeup, and she has a smile I haven’t seen in such a long time.
“I’m so happy for you girls,” she says, her eyes meeting mine, and I give her a genuine smile and take her hand.
We’re all waiting with bated breath for Melissa to arrive, and the moment she walks in, we see her stop dead in her tracks, her hand covering her mouth. She looks beautiful in her cranberry-red cocktail dress and black heels. Greg told me he was sending her to the spa for the day to have her hair and nails done, telling her he wanted her to look great tonight for a dinner with his supervisor from his firm. She must have bought it because the shock on her face is visible as she sees us all. I give her a wide grin; her eyes dart to Greg then back to all of us, and I can see her putting the pieces together because tears are falling down her cheeks. My eyes start to water. She stands frozen to the spot as Greg walks over to her, gets down on one knee, and I can see her eyes shimmering in the light as she looks down at him, her face as soft and loving as I’ve ever seen it.
“Melissa, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else,” he says, quietly, but still loud enough for us to hear. “You are the perfect partner, and everything I could have ever dreamed of. Wil
l you do me the honor of being my wife, and spending the rest of your life with me?”
“Yes,” she whispers, and then louder, “Yes!” I can see her hand trembling a little as he slides the ring onto her finger, a beautiful oval diamond with a paved diamond band in white gold.
“She said yes!” Greg yells happily and we all break out into applause, and some of us tears. I’m so glad that Mel has found her other half.
The ring is perfect, the night is perfect, and Melissa is the happiest I’ve ever seen her. She floats from person to person, hugging everyone—I’m so impressed. We have the largest space in the restaurant that opens out onto the water. Greg thought of every detail, down to the set menu that has all of Melissa’s favorite dishes from the restaurant on it. There’s a live band just on the other side of the half-wall that separates our section from the rest of the restaurant, and as the music drifts over, Alex reaches for my hand and squeezes it gently. “I’m so glad I was able to be here tonight,” he says softly. “I can see something like this for us.”
My heart slams against my ribcage before melting. I poke at the marinated lamb on my plate and then look up at him. “I can too,” I say softly, and I mean it. “That’s the first time I’ve ever said that to someone, you know.”
“I bet,” he says teasingly with a heart-stopping smile. I can’t stop grinning in disbelief that Alex has transformed me into a regular girl with dreams about spending her life with someone, who would be ecstatic at a proposal, who isn’t afraid to settle down. Sometimes I’m unrecognizable to myself. But looking up into Alex’s sweet, sincere face, I know he isn’t going to leave me.
Not as long as I keep the secret.
I try to picture myself in Melissa’s place—the ring Alex might choose, him proposing to me in front of our families. But the fact that my family will include Jackson makes my stomach knot.
“You know, if someone proposed to me I’d want it to be private,” I say quietly, looking up at him. I don’t know how far me and Alex are from this but I know for sure I wouldn’t want the proposal to be like this for me. It’s beautiful but I’d just want it to be us. As much as I love my family and friends, I just might freak out—especially since I already don’t want to be in the same room as certain members of his family.
