by Laine Watson
The one thing I could always count on was late 90’s to early 2000’s music to explain me. And so, I listened for a while as I healed.
I stopped moping with a much-healed heart and went back upstairs.
I came back down the hall and turned into the kitchen. The sliding doors to the balcony were opened. I looked out on the balcony. Becs was leaning on the white fencing.
“Hey,” I said, unsure of how she would respond.
“Hey…” she replied, looking back. She was facing the lake behind our house. It was tranquil. I needed some tranquility right then. I leaned on the white fencing that was a bit loose, facing the opposite way with my elbows resting on the top.
“Where you been? With Money?” she asked.
“Yeah…” I said, “Does Crystal still live here?”
“Nah, that bitch moved out,” she told me.
“Y’all have a fight?” I asked.
“Nah, she just…ain’t wanna live here no more.” Becs shrugged.
“I ain’t like her ass no way.” I laughed. Becs laughed, too. That was, I suppose, our apology.
“So, have you been getting the shit fucked out of you?” Becs asked me.
I blushed.
“Okay Bitch, play like you don’t know. But no bitch is gone be gone from home for like six months, and she ain’t getting dicked down,” Becs said.
I laughed again.
“It’s been, like three years, Becs. I needed to be with him,” I told her.
“You a damn lie, you needed that dick.” She laughed.
“Is that the only important thing to you?” I asked.
“Fuck yeah. Dick pay my bills.”
“I was mad at you,” I confessed.
“I know. I’m not sorry, though. Shit happens.” She shrugged.
“I love him, you know. I’m telling you now, so you won’t get it confused next time you need some substances, and you’re looking for dick to pay for it,” I said, sassy. She laughed. I smiled, too.
“So why you come home?” she asked me.
“Honestly?” I asked. She nodded.
“I missed you,” I admitted. “But, I just needed some time. Jack…” I paused, trying to choose my words carefully, “He just needs to understand that I’m important, and not…other stuff.” I said, trying to talk in circles.
“See, I told you,” Becs said. “That shit taking over his life?”
Damn, I was trying to avoid that talk.
“No, it’s not like that. He just needs to know I’m more important. Then he won’t do it,” I insisted.
“That’s not how it works, Katie.” She paused, “What happened? Did you leave without telling him? That would be the worst thing you could do.”
“No, I told him I was coming home. I would never do that to Jack,” I said.
“Listen, Katie. When you…” she tried to find the words to explain to me, without puncturing my view of Jack, “Love someone, he loves you, right?”
“Yes…”
“That…sort of makes things worse. If he needs you, then he’s gonna need you more. And he’s not gonna care how he has you,” she told me gently. That sounded familiar. But she didn’t know Jack. And that was the only thought process I was willing to accept.
“No, it’s fine.” I shook my head, convincing her and myself, or at least attempting to. “I’m just gonna hang out for today, and I’ll go back tomorrow or later on tonight. It’ll be okay. I just need to think.”
“Did you see’em do something?” she asked. I mouthed what I was about to say, but nothing came out as I shrugged and tried to fix my words properly
“Yeah…” I shrugged again, “And…”
“It was bad, wasn’t it?” she asked. “I seen him, fucking…messed up before. It’s…it’s not pretty.”
“H-he’s fine.” I shrugged nervously, still trying to convince myself that I had the best way of figuring things out for Jack and I. “H-he knows I love him, and he said he was gonna stop.”
She smiled. I think she felt like it wasn’t worth the breath she’d waste trying to explain things to me. She nodded. I nodded.
“So, you’re home for the day?” she asked.
“Yeah, for the most part. I’m just gonna get some clothes together. I’m probably gonna spend the rest of the year with him. Come back in the spring. I’ll never get any work done if I don’t.” I smiled awkwardly. Tossing myself in the same direction as Becs, the fencing wobbled, going unnoticed, I went on, “What are you doing today?”
“I’m ‘bout to go get my nipples pierced!” She smiled mischievously.
“What?!” I asked with a huge grin.
“Yep!” She nodded.
“I wanna do something, too,” I said. Yeah that’ll be a good thing. Get my mind off of stuff. Have some fun. Take a load off, I thought.
“You wanna get your nipples pierced?” she asked me.
“I don’t know, maybe.” I shrugged happily, “Or get a tattoo.”
“Do you have any tattoos?” she asked.
“No…” I smiled.
“You should totally get a tattoo,” she agreed, turning to me as she leaned heavily on the fencing.
“Yeah…I-I definitely want a tattoo,” I said, making up my mind.
“Oh my gawd, what’a you wanna get?” she grinned, anticipating what I might say.
I smiled big.
“I wanna…I wanna get Jack’s name tattooed on me.” I watched as Becs’s smile left a little.
“Really?” she asked, a little shocked.
“Yeah,” I said, just as happy as we both had been.
“No,” Becs proclaimed, “Dumb bitches get dudes’ names on them.”
“It’s not just any guy,” I told her. Again, I think Becs just didn’t want to waste her breath because her smile crept back on her face.
“Okay, then. Let’s go get your man’s name tattooed on your ass,” she said.
“No!” I laughed, pushing her a little. She lifted herself off the fencing first, and I pushed myself of the fencing, exposing some of the nails and screws that were holding it together on each end. In all this, I had no idea that I had left my phone at Jack’s house. I was carefree. It didn’t occur to me, and it didn’t occur to Jack.
Jack didn’t make it to lunch. He had spent that afternoon getting high. He needed a little more each time.
Chapter Twenty: Tattoo
Jack’s mom told me that since I’ve been back, he hadn’t been doing it, I thought as Becs and I drove out to Westfield in her car. I don’t know why he hadn’t. Maybe he had, he was just handling it and not letting me see. Now, maybe it was too late. Jack said that he doesn’t do it all the time, just when he’s stressed out. I’m stressed out. Am I the one stressing him out? I’m hoping that this day away from each other will help us both. Maybe I won’t be so scared of him most of the time.
Maybe I can find the right words to say to him that’ll help him not be stressed, and in turn, not need to do that stuff. And I hope he loves me enough to let this be the last time he needs to do it.
I hope that we can just be together. He can get a real job, and I can finish school. We could have our own place. Maybe a dog. He and Trey could hang out in our yard in lawn chairs. I could make them sandwiches, and it’ll be okay. No stress. We can fuck all the time, whenever either of us wanted it. Wherever. We could invite his mom over, and do something for her sometimes. We could even go to his gra’ma’s house. Which we have been actively avoiding since she mentioned it.
These things all ran through my head as we drove out to a tattoo and piercing parlor. We pulled up, got out and entered the shop. I don’t even remember the name. It was in a small building with yellow umbrella-like tops. It was strange. Inside, it was loud and it was dirty. It was the perfect place to get a tattoo.
Maybe in the middle of the day on a weekday, people don’t generally get tattoos. Well, a bunch of people. Because there was a chair for both of us. The girl who was going to pierce Becs’s ti
ts had an intense mohawk curled over to the side with purple, turquoise and yellow parts like feathers. It was pretty cool. She had on a half shirt that was white with black, blocky writing on it, and some black cropped leggings, lots of eyeliner and black lip liner and lipstick, with smoky eyes. She had like, eight piercings in each ear, her septum was pierced, and right above her lip was pierced, maybe some other places, too. She sat on the left side of Becs as she talked to her.
The guy who was doing my tattoo sat down on the right side of me. He had on a leather vest and nothing underneath. His hair was blond and perfectly coiffed. His skin was blotchy, and he smelled like smoke. He reminded me of Jack, sort of. Only the smelling like smoke part. This guy’s jeans were so tight, I thought his penis was probably numb. He was pretty pierced up, too. His entire left arm was tattooed with so many different things, I didn’t know where one stopped and others began.
Becs was led into a room on the other side, where no one could see her. I sat in the front by the doors in front of a mirror, facing away from it.
“Hey. I’m Kaid,” my tattoo artist introduced himself.
“Hi. I’m Katie.” I smiled, sitting up in my chair.
“Don’t be scared. You look scared.” He smiled. He was staring at me with a weird smirk.
“I’m not scared,” I said.
“You don’t have any tattoos?” he asked, preoccupied with looking me over.
“No. This is my first one,” I replied awkwardly. He smiled and finally looked in my eyes.
“I mean, I gotta say this. I’m not trying to offend you, but damn. You got a nice rack,” he said.
I wanted to say thank you and just get my tattoo. But the voices and the words, and feelings started.
“I want a girl,” I blurted out.
“Look, I didn’t mean anything by that. I just meant you’re hot,” he said apologetically.
“I want a girl,” I said again.
“Geez, okay. I’m sorry. I was just…” he trailed off, standing and shaking his head. I could feel him looking at me like he thought I was a nut case. I felt like a nut case. I couldn’t control myself over what other people said to me. I hated that. And most of all, I needed Jack. I couldn’t reach for my pussy right then. Not in front of that guy. Even though Kaid had walked away, I still felt like he’d see me and think, “She’s a fucking wacky crazy bitch.” I gritted my teeth.
I looked for my phone in Jack’s jacket. It wasn’t there. And only just then did I realize I left my phone on the nightstand.
Jack didn’t realize this, though. He had texted me at least five times by then. He was starting to get annoyed and feel abandoned. It didn’t help that he had used almost half of the bag of his crystal. He didn’t notice the phone sitting only feet from him on the nightstand. Stephanie was scared to go into his room and ask him anything. She sat in her room. She smelled it, and she could hear him cursing and throwing things around his room. It hurt her. But she kept her distance.
A girl came from behind the wall where Becs was getting her nipples pierced.
“Hey. I’m sorry. Some guys are assholes.” She smiled. Her blue eyes almost the color of Jack’s.
I fidgeted.
“Yeah…” I said awkwardly.
“So, this your first tat?” she asked. I nodded. “Are you scared?”
“A little.”
“Don’t be. My name’s Alyssa,” she told me kindly.
“Katie,” I said, still a little fidgety.
“Calm down,” Alyssa assured me, sitting next to me. “It’s gonna be okay. Tell me what you want.” She smiled.
I calmed down a little. The feeling of needing to be fucked was still there, but I didn’t feel so dirty.
“Uhm, I-I want my boyfriend’s name tattooed on me,” I said.
“O-k-a-y...” She smiled, “How long have you guys been together?”
“Uhm…”
“I’m only asking because getting someone’s name on you is a big deal,” she clarified.
“Yeah…no. I get it. Uhm, yeah. We’ve been like, something, since we were like I don’t know, ten, twelve,” I said.
“Wow, how old are you now?” she asked.
“S-eighteen,” I lied.
“I don’t know. You’re kinda young. You sure you wanna do this?” she said.
“Yes.” I smiled.
“Okay, how do you want it?” she asked.
“I don’t really know.” I shrugged, “I just kinda want it on my forearm, sexy. If you can do that in a tattoo.”
“Well, how is he?” she asked.
“Uhm, he’s skinny,” I said awkwardly, “Uhm, he’s…” I fidgeted. “Perfect, I guess. But like, way fucked up.” I smiled nervously.
She smiled, too.
“Okay, I could do perfectly way fucked up.” She grinned. “I like that, actually.”
I smiled, and I began to relax. In fact, as she did the outline on my arm, it calmed me.
Meanwhile, Jack was anything but calm. There’s no real way to tell exactly what happened when I wasn’t there, but judging from how he was when I did see him. I could only image. Hours had passed, and it was dark out. I’m sure Jack was convinced that I had abandoned him all together.
The stress was getting to him. So much that every half hour, he was taking a few more hits off the pipe. I figure that every time he texted me and I didn’t reply he was doing that. He had lost himself, and his balance. He was talking to himself. His mother had long ago gone to work.
“Fucking bitch,” he said, like it hurt him. He sat down on the bed on the side where I slept, taking a breath, and he finally noticed my phone on the nightstand.
Chapter Twenty-One: Jack
If you or I would have seen the phone, and either of us were in Jack’s place, I think it’s safe to say that you would assume I would be back. But Jack was Jack…wait, no he wasn’t. So, to him, so much more had happened. Me enduring pain to be marked as his was certainly not on his mind as he marched to his car and sped down the street, ignoring the cars coming right and left of him in the intersection of the main street, ignoring all traffic laws. His only intent was to get to my house. How he did this in one piece is unbelievable to me.
Jack stumbled out of his car, fumbling to the front door. He knocked and knocked, slamming his fists as he beat on the door. There was no one there who could let him in. But my car was there. So, I had to be there, right? Jack, oh my dear Jack, let me sigh for a moment…
Jack…his anger, his inability to reason and rationalize, led him to do exactly what he wanted to do. He wanted to beat something. He wanted to hit something. He searched for something on the ground in our front yard, sweating and gross, slobbering and wobbling incoherently. He couldn’t find anything, so he proceeded to punch my car. He punched the doors, he kicked the tires, he dented the hood and my trunk until he got dizzy as he yelled and wailed and cursed me out, even though I wasn’t there.
An hour away, in the tattoo parlor, my tattoo was done. It was Jack all over my forearm, sexily, crazily, sleekly, perfectly fucked up-ly. Just like him. I was pleased.
“Thank you.” I smiled.
“Keep it covered, and make sure you put something on it, Vaseline, something to keep it moisturized. Okay?” Alyssa instructed.
“Yeah. This is awesome. He’s gonna be so crazy, like what the fuck.” I smiled.
I was fine, almost. I still had the little tingle in my vagina that ached for Jack. I was containing it. It was okay because I knew I was gonna get fucked as soon as I got to his house. All those feelings were going to go away. And I was going to show him how much I loved him.
Becs came around the corner to see me. She noticed my tattoo, and she smiled big, until she noticed my bruises, and her smile seemed to slide off her face. I didn’t notice, though. I stood up and shrugged Jack’s jacket back on.
“Bye,” I said after paying for my tattoo.
Becs had already paid for her piercings and was holding the door open for me. I followed
her out to the car, and we got in.
The ride back to Reedsville was a bit quiet until I spoke.
“Do you like my tattoo? It’s cool, right? Jack’s gonna freak out.” I smiled. Becs was quiet. She didn’t smile. She had something to say.
“Katie?” she asked.
“Yeah?” I grinned.
“Where’d all those bruises come from?” she asked softly. Of course, I tried to shrug it off.
“Pft, what?” I laughed, looking myself over, as if I didn’t see anything wrong.
“Did Money do that?”
“Nah, it was…we…we were being silly at Drew’s. Jack just…He gets… rough sometimes. You know?” I smiled.
Becs didn’t seem to think it was a smiling or laughing matter.
“You guys were playing?” Becs asked.
“Well,” I smiled, “Not, like playing, you know. He was ready to go, and I just was taking too long. I just fell down the stairs. It’s no big deal.”
“What about your arms?”
“It’s…it’s nothing, he just… When we’re having sex, he just, “I paused, “…gets rough. You like it rough, don’t you?” I smiled like it was all alright.
She seemed to understand that. But that was a big fat lie in a roundabout way. He was very rough when we had sex, and it seemed like at some point, no matter what we were doing, he left bruises on me.
“Yeah…yeah.” She was okay with that explanation. “You wanna go to this party with me?”
“Nah, I wanna go get fucked.” I laughed.
“Shit, me too!” Becs said. “Why you think I’m going to this party?” We laughed. We continued to talk about random things; school, work, our dreams, our parents, our siblings, whatever, until we pulled up in front of the house. As we were laughing and joking around, I noticed Jack sitting on the one-step cement porch. It was eerie.
“Well, I guess he couldn’t wait,” Becs said. I smiled. I was only halfway terrified.
