Black Girl Magic
THAT ONE TIME
First of all
We make this look easy
Us black girls with all kindsa curls
Smellin’ a’ cocoa butter
Out here every damn day savin’ the world.
Time and time again
We find the ways and means
Between packing lunches, planning launches, and *act out* patting weaves
To get information
And stay in FORMATION,
“Girl you heard what they’re sayin’?”
“Ain’t no games to be playin’.”
So we show up
And show out
And turn up
And “turn this motha out”
And flip it
And Yasssss biiihhhh
Throw side-eyes
Gather
Get folks all the way together
With edges still in place
Skin defying time and space
They call it magic cuz ain’t no way to explain our “Amazing Grace”
How sweet the sound
Of a black girl’s point of a view
Knowing that nobody does it like we do, boo
Pride in our power
Strength in our strides
You can attempt to imitate
But soul you cannot buy
We work twice as hard
And must be twice as perfect,
Purveyors of potent truths
We deliver in small doses
Cuz folks is shook when she’s movin’
“OH NO, IT’S ANOTHER ANGRY BLACK WOMAN!”
Bump that
We’re not hostile,
We’re passionate;
Clappin’ back is our way of declaring
we aint
havin’ it
They go low, we go high
They say no, we defy
They didn’t want us to read
Kept us out of libraries they built
Now we are the biggest buyers of books
So, we can read you for filth!!!
Our magic is in our love and tears
Our fears and our flyness
Our sistahoods and insecurities
Our ride or—don’t even try it.
We are not the one,
And still we rise,
This is for colored girls who’ve considered gettin’ your life and are
RECLAIMING OUR TIME
SIDE EFFECTS OF
The Hoe Phase
EVERYBODY ELSE IS DOING IT
Don’t feel like you HAVE to have a Hoe Phase. It’s not a rite of passage as much as it is a common developmental phase in Western society.
THE DEFINITION of HOME BASE IS . . .
Up to you. I hate the concept that if you get physical in any type of way with someone, you’re expected to go “all the way.” Sex doesn’t always have to be the end game to a good time. Especially if you know you are prone to having an emotional attachment triggered by it. Ladies, our bodies are majestic and there are many ways to bring them to climax. No BS, one time, I had a man suck on my neck so efficiently I saw stars. Jussayin, don’t feel pressure to have intercourse just because you and a partner have become physically involved.
IT’S YOURS
You are not obligated to tell any partner about your Hoe Phase and who was involved in it. (Unless you’re in a committed relationship and it was a friend of theirs or a friend of yours. In which case, you’re still not obligated, but I always feel like you’re better off letting them know before they find out some other way and insecurities flare!)
HOW DO YOU WANT IT?
Part of the process of the Hoe Phase is not only learning what you like sexually, but also learning how to ask for what you like. There is no shame in sharing with someone how you like to be kissed, touched, or stroked. Let’s throw out the idea that “That will make the situation awkward.” The trick is finding a way to do so that keeps your insecurities at bay and doesn’t end up disrupting a sultry situation. You gotta set it up like you’re putting the person on to a well-kept secret about turning you on.
UPKEEP
If you’re gonna be gettin’ it in, make sure to keep these basics in mind:
• Use a condom.
• Always urinate after intercourse to avoid urinary tract infections.
• Wash off with water after sex. Your pH balance will thank you for it!
OL’ RECKLESS ASS
The Hoe Phase does not mean you should be out here being reckless. You know exactly what I mean. Some of y’all are getting periods you don’t deserve. You’re in a public restroom shouting out, “HALLELUJAH! I’M STILL IN THE GAME!” at the sight of crimson ’cause you know full well you’re out here being careless with condoms and the like. Don’t play yaself! Have your fun, but don’t be dumb! Strap it up!
THE VAGENDA
The Vagenda is a woman’s list of real-life individuals who, if presented with the right opportunity, she’d have sex with. Though the Vagenda can be at its height at any time of your life, it’s most likely to be carried through while in your good ol’ Hoe Phase.
Who’s on yours?
1. ______________________________
2. ______________________________
3. ______________________________
4. ______________________________
5. ______________________________
6. ______________________________
7. ______________________________
8. ______________________________
9. ______________________________
10. ______________________________
Mine (you know I’m not listing any real dudes, and gassin’ nobody!):
1. Lando Calrissian of Star Wars
2. Erik Killmonger of Black Panther
3. Luther of Luther
4. Julio of Power
5. T’Challa of Black Panther
6. Tim Riggins of Friday Night Lights
7. Thor of Thor Ragnarok
8. Khal Drogo of Game of Thrones
9. Troy Fairbanks of Dear White People
10. Jordan Catalano of My So-Called Life
GEM DROPPIN’
Sex vs. Intimacy
SOME MIGHT LOOK AT THIS AND SAY, “Sex vs. Intimacy? How is that a versus situation? Sex is intimate.” Yes, in the physical sense, sex is intimate—it involves body parts, which make sounds (and sometimes babies), and we can’t forget the moisture! (Gross.) It is, in fact, two bodies coming together! However, there is nuance. How many times have you had a friend say, “He started being weird after we slept together”? Happens all the time. In a lot of cases the person who was ghosted is truly at a loss for why and makes a list of reasons, blames themself, etc., which is an exercise in futility because what actually happened is the other person had sex with you but didn’t have intimacy with you. You see, sex is the physical act, but in this context, intimacy is the emotion attached to the physical. The common mistake many of us make is thinking that just because you slept with someone, you all have an emotional connection. Then when they don’t display the affection and attention attached to that emotional expectation, you find yourself sad, disappointed, and can go as far as to feel like there’s been a betrayal of your trust. This is when so many women get bent out of shape, out of character, and end up on an episode of Snapped. Let’s discuss.
Ahh, Sexy Time. In a nutshell, it really is one of two things, a purposeful act done for the outcome of reproduction or the physical manifestation of lust (and occasionally both at the same time!). Either way, at its root, sex is a physical action that when done right can feel like the first time you see fireworks + the big drop on a roller coaster + getting into the college you wanted + that first five minutes after a full body massage when you’re just lying there and that chill spacey music is playing and you feel light as a feather. When ya nail it, your nerves are piqued, your “spot” is triggered, all your senses are on high alert,
and you’re like, “Elon Musk who? I just went to Mars and back without leaving this backseat!” It’s a good time. However, sex and intimacy are not always intertwined, and it is important to know the distinction in order to discern if you’re getting what you’re actually looking for.
Intimacy is when an emotional exchange takes place between people. It’s a connection that resonates deeper than the physical action and delves into consciousness. It’s that “thing” that you feel when you’re “feelin’” someone and you know they’re “feelin’” you back. When intimacy is present it’s more than just the pleasure of sex, it’s also an energy exchange that can feel supernatural! Remember that Dead Prez record Mind Sex? It’s that shit that makes folks start trippin’ when things switch up. Intimacy is about a closeness in spirit, not just in form, and it is the cornerstone for building trust, vulnerability, and emotional equity. It is the seeds planted in the first state of building a world together.
Some would argue that for women, sex always has an emotional factor attached, and lemme just clarify once and for all that is not the case. Sometimes the only emotional attachment is, “I wanna see what ‘that’ would feel like.” Just because a woman sleeps with someone, a man in particular, that does not mean she’s formed some irreversible bond with him that will have her pining for his presence, sitting in the shower listening to Sade, and looking out the window journaling about when he’ll come home from the war. To be honest, it’s common for women to have a Vagenda—a mental plan of whom they are interested in sleeping with—whether it’s with relationship goals or purely for the pleasure. Unfortunately, many men don’t realize that you can fall off the Vagenda quicker than the drop in your credit score if you miss a student loan payment. Say or do the wrong thing and just like that, POOF, replaced. So, to any cis-hetero men smart enough to be reading this book to better understand the women they are approaching, know that we are always listening and all it takes is one dumbass statement like, “Stevie Wonder is overrated” to tumble right on off the Vagenda into “Never, negro” land. On the other hand, there have been times when the sex is SO good, it evokes emotion that you didn’t know you had. Some call it “dick whipped,” others say you’ve been “dickmatized”—I’ve dubbed it a doozy of a phenomenon called, “When the dick touch heart.” The doozy lies in the fact that this sensation has nothing to do with emotional intimacy and everything to do with physical chemistry, don’t get ’em twisted!
Fact is when you’re stepping into a sexual space, do yourself a favor and do your best to know what you’re getting into before you get into bed. The next time you meet someone that could make it onto the Vagenda, ask yourself, is this someone that’s a “Just Sex Sicheeashun,” or is this someone you’d like to share real intimacy with. How you proceed from there is your prerogative, but at least if you start out by being real with yourself it makes it that much easier for you to be real with others.
Hoe Phase
THAT ONE TIME
I was a late bloomer. Flat-chested at fifteen and barely a booty by graduation. So when I got to college it was Jasmine and Aladdin out this piece, aka a whole new world. I had never had guys who looked like men actually interested in me. It was empowering and encouraging. By the time I headed out of college and off to the real world, I was in full bloom and ready to mingle. What I mean to say is, I was having all the sex, but I didn’t know what I was doing. I also didn’t really know why I was doing it.
The Hoe Phase is that era in life that is repeated generation after generation despite having an air of mysticism around it. You’re supposed to be “doing you” or “getting it in,” and, ideally, it is a process of self-discovery where you use the experience of having sex with different partners to awaken parts of your body (including the mind) that were previously unknown. For me, the Hoe Phase had some glimmers of light, but for the most part, though I remember everybody’s names and faces from that time in my life, I don’t remember many of our interactions being much to write home about. Sure there were big shlongs, and lil shlongs, and mediocre performances, regardless of size. There were fast pumpers, only from the backers, and robot chickens.* There were perfectly toned bodies and softer frames and manscape specialists and au natural naps and so on and so forth. I was young, ambitious, and, especially in the circle I was a part of, out every night with my friends in the club, drinking shots, and, inevitably, getting it in. Though I was supposed to be on this “sexual walkabout,” so to speak, at a certain point I realized I didn’t really like sex. I was having it because it somehow felt like that was just what one does.
This rattled me. So, I got still and thought about it. If it wasn’t the sex I was enjoying then what was my hoe phase really about? For some people their hoe phase is attached to their first taste of freedom. Maybe they had strict parents, or were very religious, or were in a long-term relationship. For others, maybe they were insecure and had newfound confidence, or perhaps they were like me, still insecure and the attention gave them confidence. It dawned on me that my Hoe Phase was a reaction to finally feeling like I had an acceptance and interest from dudes that I had never had before. I was always the loud, funny, smart chick, but I was never considered fine, fly, or sexy. I came to understand that my Hoe Phase was more about me just responding to being desired physically by someone I desired, than it was about actually wanting the physical interaction. The sex was just a by-product.
Once I cracked that code things changed for me. I no longer felt so obligated to “give it up” when ardently approached by someone of interest. I began to question what I really wanted. I considered the things I was truly attracted to. Sure, bodies and faces are great. I have had some stunnas in my time. Jussayin’! But what I surmised was that, for me, it was always best with the folks I had an actual mental connection with. Even if it wasn’t emotional, it was either intellectual or hilarical.† If you could make me laugh, or make me think, it made me moist. Facts. That said, those aspects aren’t always evident out the gate. Sometimes it takes time. Once I had this realization, I didn’t sleep with the next person I dated for three months. I wanted to build up that foundation of fun, jokes, and mind melding. It was what was best for us. Once the physical came into play it was the first time I had truly, truly enjoyed gettin’ the business.
So, in actuality, what I learned was that the Hoe Phase isn’t really about sex. It’s really about the exploration of self without the limitations of being anchored to one person. It’s where you have the freedom to find out, essentially through trial, error, and an orgasm or two, what works for you, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally.
* To be clear there are women who are also operating below the standard of ethics, as it relates to sexual harassment, by abusing their authority.
* Cut the shit. I have yet to see significant examples of women calling out by-products of toxic masculinity and gaining any level of uptick in their career to understand why there continues to be suggestion that “press” is an underlying motive for them speaking up about a male counterpart being problematic.
* I call dudes who are robotic in their sexy time movements “Robot Chickens” because it’s like their heads move separately from their bodies.
† Hilarical is a made-up Harlem word for excessive hilariousness.
CHAPTER 2
Race Realities
Addressing Inequality & STAYING WOKE!
THE REALITY IS THAT ALTHOUGH RACE IS NOT A REAL THING, it has real consequences. It affects our lives in a plethora of ways, ranging from annoying to devastating. For people of color, this can be an everyday, inescapable occurrence if you’re even the slightest bit woke. Turn on the TV, and it’s still a sea of mayonnaise-flavored sameness. Open your phone, and daily there’s a new story of a black person being harassed/arrested/killed just for being black. Go to Coachella and white girls are still rocking Native American headdresses like they’re the latest drop from the Appropriation Apparel catalog. It’s A LOT. It can be overwhelming and depressing. I’d
love to tell you this too shall pass, it’s all a phase. But I believe the inconvenient truth that unless aliens ascend from the abyss TODAY, leveling the playing field, and forcing everyone to start over from scratch, race and its trash-ass effects possess the hard-to-live-with-and-even-harder-to-kill traits of the common house roach, i.e., it ain’t going nowhere.
Before you label me a defeatist, understand that I would love to have such an unshakable faith in humanity that despite all the evidence before us that shows there are scores of individuals who willfully choose to simply believe that the color of their skin makes them a superior being, I can see a future where their kind is a mere memory. But unless the media and multimedia, which at this point are both consumed in equal or possibly greater portions than parental influence, take bold steps in educating (as opposed to re-educating, which would suggest that the masses were actually taught the truth from the get-go) to project accurate messages of inclusion, non-bias, equality, and tolerance, there will be no true change in the reprogramming of the next generation. That being said, there are levels to this shit, and even if race ain’t going nowhere, it doesn’t mean you can’t. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be an impactful part of spitting in its face and refusing to allow it to thrive any more than it has. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be empowered and empower others to live outside of its confines however possible, especially in professional spaces hindered by decades-old practices of nepotism and same-circle referrals. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be fastidious in your undermining of and disassociating with it by popping your own or someone else’s white bubble. In actuality, it is because of its steadfastness that we must do all of the above. Yet, that is not the work. The real work is in doing the work and finding the joy in spite of it; finding the funny within it; finding the freedom outside of it. None of which you can do without first educating yourself beyond your experiences, about the histories, practices, and realities of it.
Small Doses Page 4
