Stand-up is not something to be taken lightly. People swear they’re funny cuz their homeboys be knee slappin’ at their lil jokes, or they caught a chuckle or two at a dinner party, but to have to be funny, on cue, with written material, on a stage, by yourself, is a whole other ballgame. I remember telling a homegirl and fellow comic that I wanted to get into stand-up and she said, “You can’t shortcut this.” I didn’t know why she presumed I would. Now that I am a stand-up I can see why that was her natural response, as I’ve had MANY a person tell me that they’re “thinking of doing stand-up” when they have never in their life been funny, focused, or, did I mention, funny? My case was different because as a performer I don’t take any stage work lightly, and as a lifelong fan of stand-up I held it in such high reverence that I knew if I was going to step into doing it I not only had to be good, but I needed to be GREAT. I put it out into the Universe that stand-up was next for me, but I will admit, I was tenuous.
Though I had been a poet, a host, and a musical artist, to go on stage and tell jokes was an entirely different level of performance and required a whole other level of courage that I had yet to muster. One night my boyfriend at the time and I were watching a stand-up special that had us merely chuckling and he paused it, turned to me and said, “Tell a joke.” I was like, “Uhhh, what do you mean?” He said, “Take the next five minutes and write a joke then stand-up and tell it to me.” (This ex, in particular, was trash on many levels but every so often he had a shining moment like this, which kept me around. But I digress . . .) Surprisingly I had one swimming around my head and jotted it down. Then he had me stand in the middle of the room, with the remote as the mic, and tell the joke. He laughed. Like a forreal laugh. Then said, “Now see, you definitely funnier than this dude. You should do it, yo.” Then he went back to watching the show, and I went back to picturing myself as a stand-up comedian. It felt a little clearer. A few months later I had written my third one-woman show, “It’s Complicated: Hilarical Answers to Serious Questions on Love” and was looking for a place to perform it. I sent out a tweet about my anxiety being high that day. Out of the blue, a comedy club in NYC tweeted back and said I should come by and ease my anxiousness with some comedy. I DMed and said, “It’s funny you’re reaching out like that because I am looking for a place to perform my new one-woman show and your venue would be perfect.”
Performing the show in a comedy club was a genius idea if I do say so myself. I had done my previous one-woman shows in theaters, but I wanted to do this one in a comedy club because I felt that, to a lot of folks, a comedy club feels more accessible as a venue than a theater does. He replied back, “Let’s do it.” That was all she wrote. Three months later, I did five shows over five weeks, selling out the last three. In that time, I got to spread my wings onstage for an hour and half being funny, in my own voice. Even though it wasn’t stand-up in the traditional sense, I was in a comedy club, I was onstage, and I was telling jokes. I knew from that point on that I had it in me. A month later is when I looked down at my phone and saw that email about the SNL stand-up showcase.
I did the showcase and killed. You can watch it on YouTube. I don’t know if I would have kept going had I not, but I did. From that point forward, I was all stand-up, all the time. I hit up open mics. I hung out. I emailed and begged and traded for stage time. It was the middle of the polar vortex and I was troopin’ up and through them city streets to do five- and ten-minute sets for free. You know why? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU DO. You dig in! You commit! You grind! You learn the ropes and then you double Dutch with them thangs.
Immediately I felt a change in me. Not just because I had a new focus but because it felt like the right focus. Sure, there were haters (there’s always gonna be haters) who thought I was just another TV personality dabbling in stand-up as another means of exposure or another stream of income, but for me it was different. I found in standup what I had originally found in hip-hop, that I could be my WHOLE ENTIRE SELF. Though I did dopeness in the other artforms I had pursued, I thrived in stand-up. The things about me that people had told me were flaws—I’m opinionated, I’m intense, I’m detail-obsessive, I’m a know it all—were essentials to my ascent in stand-up! Though I had looked at the blueprints of people doing what I wanted to do and saw that stand-up was the missing link, the true teller of its role as my skeleton key was that it was a challenge that invigorated me. Even in the awkwardness of being at the comic’s table with a bunch of folks I didn’t know and feeling like the new girl in seventh grade, or the loneliness of taking the train home from Williamsburg at 1:30 a.m. after bombing to a room full of “I don’t see color” hipsters, or the frustration of being asked, “What kind of crowd will you be looking to market to” and replying, “They’ll be black. Smart, funny, and black,” I never at any point felt like quitting. I was home. I had found my tribe.
I refused to consider myself a comedian until I was consistently being paid to do it and even still, to this day, I pinch myself that I get to be a part of this exclusive society of X-Men given the superpower of bringing people laughter. I was right. For my career, stand-up was the skeleton key. Once I had “comedian” as my “label,” everything else came together. Execs in general meetings took me seriously, agents became interested, and most importantly I homed in on the springboard from which everything I did would be launched. As a multihyphenate, I have been blessed with many gifts, none of which I take for granted. However, it took comedy to unlock not only the what but the why in my purpose. When Rich Bova, a professor at SUNY Purchase, stopped me on campus one day and told me, “You need to get your master’s because you are going to change the world and you will need it to do it,” he knew I would need the knowledge to speak to folks but I had to discover I’d needed the jokes for them to hear me.
* The Natural (1984) starring Robert Redford and Glenn Close.
* In a nutshell, the Saturn Return is an astrological rite of passage that takes place every time Saturn completes a full orbit from your time of birth. This is about every thirty years, and is considered to be a time of reassessment, discovery, self-evaluation, and upheaval on your road to a new phase of life.
CHAPTER 4
Bae Watch
Navigating the Dating Pool & #Relationshipgoals
A FRIEND OF MINE ONCE TOLD ME, “There should be no strategy in relationships.” Sounds great, but I think we can all agree, no matter your sexual preference or gender, if you’re looking for love, it can be very difficult to get out of dealing with “games” and figure out how to navigate the playing field. Who should be the one to approach? How should you approach? When should you call? Is a first date too early to sleep together? What even is a first date? If he sends a panda emoji does that mean he’s a freak?? And so on and so on. . . . With movies like Two Can Play That Game and How to Be a Player, books with titles like How to Be a Lady to a Man Who Knows the Lady a Man Wants, written by *insert thrice divorced man right here*, and the daily public displays of computer love on social media, we’ve been groomed, taught, and conditioned to exercise strategy throughout every phase of courtship. The question becomes: What goal is your strategy tuned to obtain?
Some just want sex. Hey, do you! But are you being honest with yourself and the other person in that pursuit? For far too many, simply having a relationship is enough. Whether it’s for financial purposes, for the kids, or just to be able to say, “I have a man,” they’ll forsake their own happiness, trying to function through dysfunction and remaining blind to their inalienable truths. Others want companionship without obligation and familiarity without family. There are fuckbois, and THOTs, situationships, and cuddle buddies, cuffin’, talking, ghosting, and more. Plus, technology has added all types of new help and hurdles to the quest, simultaneously bringing folks together and, in more ways than one, widening the chasm. Then, of course, there is the bigger picture of the evolution of gender, the change in social norms associated with gender, and the call for economic equality, which have all been in
credible steps that have delivered a heavy blow to the toxic masculinity far too many find comfort in. With all the above swirling around, these days it can seem like relationships are harder to get into and even harder to stay in.
Be that as it may, I am a realist. So, though the path to love may be peppered with potholes, one must keep driving toward the paved road. In this section, we’ll dig into “data” on Dating in a Digital World, tackle the Hoe Phase, get Booed Up, and juggle those Breakups to Makeups. I don’t believe in the term “relationship expert,” and as I type this right now I, myself, am going through the growth needed to make me a partner to someone in the way I want them to be one to me, but at the root of all of this dating madness is the question, “What are your core principles and fundamentals?” Throughout these “side effects of . . .” you’ll find out those answers, and next thing you know, you’ll still be a cat lady, but perhaps you’ll be one step closer to finding your person.
SIDE EFFECTS OF
Dating in a Digital World
Analog is person to person.
Digital is computerized.
Technology now works
to bring us closer
but don’t let it get in the way
of keeping love alive.
TEXTIQUETTE
“I’m not good at texting” is no longer a valid excuse for simply being inconsiderate. Basic rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t be cool doing it in real life, it probably isn’t cool via text either. Here are some basic rules to NOT texting like an asshole:
Phantom Texter: Don’t be the person who just disconnects, like POOF, without warning from a back-and-forth convo. Sure, we’re all busy, but we can’t let being busy cancel out being decent. If that person were standing in front of you, you wouldn’t just walk away. Unless, of course, you are an inconsiderate asshole who has to return some tapes.
The Tittie-or-Two Hours: Everyone knows that late night “U up?” text nine times out of ten is not about discussing your hopes and dreams. It is reserved for sexy time. Which is why only certain folks should garner a response. “But Amanda, why is it called, ‘The Tittie-or-Two Hours?’” Because, the only person that should be contacting you after 11 p.m. should have already touched a tittie or two of yours.
Dot Dot Dotters: When you’re seeing someone and the ellipses bubble comes up on the phone, the anticipation goes through the roof. “What are they gonna say?!” And then, just like that, it’s gone. And if five minutes or more goes by, it’s like that thought didn’t even happen.
Read ’Em and Sleepers: If you’re gonna have read receipts on you gotta respond once you read! Unless you’re trying to send a message that you’re ignoring someone, know that it’s simply distasteful and low-key savage to read a message, have it marked as read, and not reply within a reasonable amount of time.
FAUX PAS FACETIME
There are rules to this shit.
FaceTime is not for everywhere. Stop with the FaceTiming in crowded public spaces. Walking down the street or in a place where you’re generally alone is all good. But otherwise, you’re loud! YOU ARE HELLA LOUD! I was on a tour of a plantation in Louisiana and a dude was having a full FaceTime convo, in German, while we were being shown the slave quarters. Y’all! NO ONE wants to hear your convo, let alone see it happening as you weirdly hold your phone in front of you to talk eye-level to someone you can only see neck-up. Stop the madness.
Unless you have an established relationship you can’t just be FaceTiming folks all willy-nilly. You gotta give a heads-up. It’s only right. Can I at least have time to put some lip gloss on? These phones are HD! Some folks even need you to make an appointment. I don’t blame them. Folks gotta earn being “scarf worthy.”
FaceTime is not a substitute for actually seeing someone. In some situations, it’s the next best thing! Of course, if your person is across the nation, getting to see their face (and maybe even a lil more) is a cherished technological advancement. But I’ve seen it get out of hand. I once dated someone that lived literally in my apartment building (don’t ever do that) and he would be tryna FaceTime face-to-face level convos that it would take him a ten-step walk to have. NO DICE.
THE RISE OF THE FUCKBOIS
The digital age has played a critical role in going from the dawn to the rise of the fuckbois. A fuckboi can be loosely defined as a man who wants to indulge in the perks of having a relationship without accepting the responsibilities that come with it. The invention of dating apps has been their Godsend. Why “put up with” this woman who has growing expectations, when you can simply swipe to find a brand-new broad and you can start fresh with none?! Add in texting and it makes noncommittal communication a breeze! A fuckboi once told me that all good women want the same thing, time and consistency, two things he claimed he had none of. I asked, “So why do you keep hollering at those types of women?” He said, “Even if you can’t afford nice things you still want them.” He was deadass serious. Thing is you don’t keep trying people on without being expected to actually commit to them. The digital age, when wielded by a fuckboi, can have you thinking someone is truly into you if you don’t know how to properly read their behavior. Beware of them and their technologically advanced narcissistic ways!
BRB/TTYL/WYD/TBY
BRB: Be right back
TTYL: Talk to you later
WYD: What are you doing
TBY: Thinking ’bout you
Use of all of these at the right time and for the right purpose can save your entire relationship and make you look wayyyy more considerate than you truly are in real life. They’re not a substitute for action, but a helpful bridge to it when you’re working to keep your priorities feeling prioritized!
TECHNOCURITY
With all the different ways that folks can be shady due to these technologies, there’s a specific type of security of self that you must have, technocurity. That’s right, a special brand of self-knowing that is technology-proof! Between, phones, DMs, catfishing, and more, it’s no wonder people lose their damn minds wondering what someone could be doing to deceive them. The only way to stay sane is to keep your eyes up and your integrity strong. The same confidence we talk about in Side Effects of Insecurity has to carry over to how you navigate this new romantic space that travels via fiber optic wires.
SHOW SOME ANALOG LOVE DIGITALLY
When it comes to finding analog love in a digital world, I feel the key is to consider the digital aspect as an enhancement but not a replacement of the organic ways of making and nurturing a human connection. Yes, technology adds convenience and ease, but it should not replace effort and action because at the end of the day no Wi-Fi connection is stronger than an actual human connection!
GEM DROPPIN’
Attention vs. Affection
IT MAY SEEM LIKE THEY’VE BEEN HERE FOREVER, but the idea of having a phone on your body, at your reach, all day, is fairly new. In high school, one person in my friend group had a cell phone and it was to be used only for emergency purposes like to call and tell my mom to tell my dad, who decided to come visit and play father for a week, that I would not be going along with his, “I’m here. So, I’m runnin’ shit now” act, and instead would be going to Denny’s with my fellow drama geeks to celebrate the close of our show. Anything less than that could either wait or required all hands on deck to find a quarter for the pay phone. Now, however, it’s an actual oddity, and in some cases, simply irresponsible for someone not to have a mobile communication device. Which is why the expectations of communication and connection have inevitably changed, and we’re still learning how to maneuver being so reachable and so able to reach out. Add to that texting, which is now a concrete form of exchange that can truly make or break a relationship if not utilized properly. Whether it’s via a dating app or following through on someone’s number you got at a party, the phone is now, more than ever, a key conduit in making a love connection, but it can often be difficult to tell, via the digital device, if there are analog feelings. One way to be tr
ansparent with your intentions is to make a clear distinction between if you are showing/receiving attention or affection. Paying attention is doing a transaction, showing affection is making a connection.
I came up with this concept because I feel like a lot of times I’ll have homegirls who be like:
Small Doses Page 15
