“NICE GUYS”
Some men are nice guys. Some do nice things. Learn to spot the difference.
FIGHT FOR LOVE
Fighting for your relationship is noble. It’s honorable and, hopefully, worth it. Far too often though, folks don’t start to fight until the relationship has already been dealt the final blow. Some confuse fighting for a relationship with fighting for forgivenes. Which they’re screwing up, by choice, and then asking for forgiveness. No, that’s not fighting for a relationship. That’s a cycle of toxicity.
THE GRAND GESTURE
We’ve all read the fairytales where a prince kills a dragon, or shows up with a glass shoe. We’ve seen the rom-coms, where the rich guy scales the fire escape, or the guy in the trench coat stands outside the window with the boom box. The grand gesture is a common trope used to demonstrate love. However, in real life, it must be used thoughtfully.
An unthoughtful use of the grand gesture is in the “take me back” context, which can often end up toxic when performed by the person who’s created the negativity in the situation, trying to control the situation. They’re trying to control the narrative, but when they had the power to control it they chose to be hurtful. They no longer have a right to the direction of the narrative.
Many of us think the grand gesutre is a demonstration of vulnerability, but often what it really is an emotional manipluation used to pressure the other into going along with their estranged partner’s desired outcome. It’s an example of, “I’m gonna do what I want to do to get you back, versus doing what you wanted me to do to keep you.” If you’re the one that did the F’d up action your only recourse is to apologize, let the other person know that you are aware of your missteps and their repurcussions, and that when they are ready you are available to be given the opportunity to correct. Once you do that, SIT DOWN. While you’re sitting down, work on yourself, FOR YOU, not for a pat on the back or because someone is watching, or to win your lost love over. Work on yourself so that whether the person takes you back or nah, you’re not taking the issues that caused you to fail in this relationship into a next one. Truth is, too often folks are fighting to get their relationship back, versus regaining the trust of the individual they betrayed. What they really feel like they lost is a posession, not the love and respect of a person.
CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES
People don’t change. Life changes people. Meaning, no one just changes, like, “Voila! I’m this whole other person now!” They have to be moved to change and usually it is “an act of God,” i.e., a literal or figurative death or a birth or a fail of epic proportions that does it. That said, if you think you are going to change someone, you’re wrong. Did you get that? You. Are. Wrong. They have to have the desire to change. Sure, you can inspire that. Yes, you can influence that, but no, you cannot make them do anything they don’t genuinely want to do themselves. Folks think a label, whether it’s boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, dad, or mom, is going to make someone alter their behavior or even their personality. Know this, IT WILL NOT. So if you’re sticking around with your fingers crossed that someone is going to spontaneously become who you want them to be and in the interim you’re hurting while waiting it out, lemme save you some time and pain. Unless they inwardly make the definitive decision to do so, people, like a leopard’s spots, will not change. Keep it movin’ to the K.I.M.
CHEESE EGGS and SELF-IMPROVEMENT
The person you’re seeing can recognize how dope you are, how hard you work, how good your cheese eggs are, how smart you are, how good you are with money, how well-behaved your kids are, how good your pussy is, but it doesn’t matter. If they’re not trying to be the best version of themselves, they don’t deserve the best version of you.
INTENTIONS
Intention and action are not the same thing. Even if someone has the best of intentions, if they’re unable to see that through in action it turns from intention to disappointment, which becomes resentment. If you recognize in yourself or in someone else that they may have the best of intentions but they continuously fall short of that because of their inability to act, then the best thing to do is just cut it before it gets dirty and nasty.
A KEEPER
Get you somebody who’s not always fighting to get you back but who thrives on seeing you stay.
BREAKUP MANAGEMENT
Ok, so you broke up. It’s terrible. You’re all effed up. Here are some basic ways to manage the aftermath:
• Listen to Up-Tempo Music: I know you’re tempted to go full Jhené Aiko playlist, but don’t do it. Make a playlist of joints that always get you turnt and wake up with it every morning (’cause I don’t know about you, but for me, mornings are the toughest after a breakup). I’ve gone a step further and went on a full salsa music diet where every song is up-tempo, but because I don’t understand the words, there’s no way for any of them to be a trigger!
• Stay Busy: Seems obvious but no, really. This is what friends are for. Get you a full calendar of distractions from thinking about someone who more than likely is not thinking about you. The mall, the museum, the crab spot, the movies, the game, whenever, wherever, whatever—keep your mind occupied.
• Program Affirmations: All this technology has got to be good for something, right? After you block them from all social media so that you don’t have the possibility of stumbling upon them unwittingly, put your phone to further use. Program affirmations into your calendar that will pop up through the day and remind you, “Everything happens for a reason,” “You’re the catch!” “SHINE ON!,” etc. You’d be surprised how uplifting a nice note to self can be!
MAKE IT WORK
In this day and age of instant gratification and relationship options literally at your fingertips, it can feel like people are disposable when things don’t line up out of the gate. Truth is, none of us show up to each other perfect. There’s always some level of shifting that has to happen to truly fit into each other’s grooves. If you’re meeting each other in the middle, I say ride the wave. Sometimes it’s not that y’all don’t work, you may just need to put in a little work.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU . . . KINDA
I think sometimes when we say, “I’ll always love _________,” we’re mistaking always loving the memory of somebody, or the memory of that love we had, with continuing to love them. Until you get that perspective you can’t get out from under it. You’ll always have remembrance for the love you had for them but once people show you another side, you can’t keep that going. You absolutely have to be careful with giving love to people who aren’t giving it back. We get caught up in “I will always love _________,” but no, you’ll just have love for that love that you had.
BE FAIR
Once the breakup happens, it’s fallback time. It’s a wrap. Let the dust settle. Let the other person collect themselves. Don’t:
• Keep liking all their pics on IG.
• Expect them to be your friend right away.
• Continue trying to be cool with their friends/family.
It’s not fair.
WWMBFFD?
(WHAT WOULD MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER DO?)
I once had someone tell me that you need to hold the people you’re dating to the same standard that you would hold your homegirls. At first, I didn’t really know what that truly meant. But when I thought about it, I would let dudes get away with all types of behaviors that I would never let my homegirls get away with. My homegirls flake on me, and I’m asking, “What the hell?” My homegirls don’t call me back or don’t reply to my text and I’m asking, “What’s going on?!” Dudes do that and I’d be afraid to say something, because I’m afraid to sound naggy or I don’t want to bring it up because I don’t want to sound too pressed or too thirsty. FUCK THAT. We’re all busy. Be considerate in your communication. However, if someone of supposed importance in your life is consistently too busy, too detached, or too “I’m not a phone person,” it’s time for a recompartmentalization ’til further notice! Y
ou ain’t gotta be a dick about it, but nobody in your life, whether they’re your friend or they wanna be more than friends, should get away with being inconsiderate. If you call them, they should call you back. If you text them, they should text you back, and if not, then you need to step back.
GHOSTING
Ghosting is the Phantom of the Opera–type behavior of vanishing off the face of the phone earth. It’s happening right now. As you read this someone is deciding that they will no longer reply to texts or calls or emails and is not giving a lick of an explanation of why. As covered in Side Effects of the Curve (this page), people ghost for all types of reasons, most of which involve being petty or scared. Listen, unless it’s a matter of safety, there really is no valid reason to simply disappear from interacting with someone you’ve been having a credible exchange with without giving some type of explanation. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying it’s gotta be a three thumb-swipe essay or even a discussion, but trust and believe that unless you’re escaping abuse (or fleeing a cop) when you ghost, it’s an act of avoidance and cowardice, and that never puts positivity out into the world.
BEWARE OF FUCKBOIS
A fuckboi is somebody who is basically unleashing an onslaught of fuckery and expecting only the consequences of a boy. (See Side Effects of Dating in the Digital World [this page]). Fuckbois and narcissists share many of the same traits. The difference is that narcissism is a personality disorder with no cure, and fuckboism is a phase that can end. These are individuals who are solely out for their own enjoyment and gain, and fail to have or express any concern about others. They are not anchored to anything or anyone. The awareness comes in how to avoid getting ensnared in their web and how to avoid being someone who slings such webs!
HOW TO SPOT A FUCKBOI:
• Inconsiderate of your time
• Lack of accountability
• Takes without giving in equity
• Intermittent rewards that keep you hooked
THOT-LESSNESS
Though THOT technically stands for “that hoe over there,” I consider it to be a euphemism for a woman who isn’t necessarily loose with her body (because, whatever, it’s your body. Be responsible and you’re good) but more so loose with her principles. You’re basically a female fuckboi. I’m not going to bother breaking it down. See the above and apply it to a woman. If that’s you, you’re being THOTty, or my other term for this classification, a “trife gal.” Stop that shit. ASAPtuously.
END OF THE WORLD
When you build a world with somebody and you have your inside jokes and the experiences you’ve shared in private and out in the world, you carry that with you. It’s like a whole other realm that you’ve built with somebody on a wavelength that’s all your own. So when they cut it, it feels like they’ve eradicated that world and you’re basically standing there looking at the ashes by yourself. Whether you were seeing somebody for three months or three years, it feels like a death because it’s not only the loss of a person, but the loss of this place that you came to love. That’s why when you’re building that world you have to build it on solid ground. So that even if it gets smote out you still have fertile soil. That’s what it is to know who you are and what you’re bringing to a relationship. Thus, when you suffer the loss you still have not only the soil, but the tools within you to build again. The silver lining is, you get to have these different places that were beautiful that you can visit every so often. You can walk in the door, just don’t set your bags down. You gotta remember the good things but know there’s a reason why you’re remembering the good things, as opposed to continuing the good things with that person, in that world. That’s how you continue moving forward. You can’t stay in an old space. There’s no air left in there for you to breathe. They sucked the air out. Never forget that.
HOW ’BOUT NOW
Never let someone’s wackness devolve your decency. It’s easier said than done, but when it’s all a wrap and the dust clears, and the subtweets and IG posts are gone off the timeline, you’ll feel better if you didn’t descend into being mean or nasty.
CHANGE COURSE
You can’t control people, but you can control who is in your circle. If you keep allowing folks in your space to bring you negative experiences, you will continue to condition yourself to expect that behavior. Over time you either become desensitized to it or you become hypersensitive to it. STOP IT. TODAY. Make the decision to stop allowing yourself to be mistreated/abused/manipulated. Learn to spot it quickly, identify it, address it, and if it does not change immediately, discard it. Period. Set a code of ethics, become the bouncer at your own club and announce, “I ain’t lettin’ NOBODY in that ain’t coming through correct!”
YOU DESERVE LOVE.
LOVE DOES NOT
DEMEAN YOU.
GEM DROPPIN’
Differences vs. Dysfunction
YOU ALWAYS HEAR THE ADAGE, “RELATIONSHIPS TAKE WORK.” Sure they do! You need to put in effort to stay present and attentive. You need to consciously put aside time to spend quality time. You need to keep up your side of the partnership. That’s the work. Yet, a lot of folks are in relationships and they’re working really hard and they don’t even know why they’re working that hard. People are in a relationship and they say, “You know, we keep clashing. We keep clashing because we’re so different. We’re so different.” I’m no expert, but it just seems to me that the work in a relationship should not be about making the relationship work. At a certain point you have to ask the question, are y’all different or are you just incompatible?
Everyone has idiosyncrasies and unique points of view, i.e., you may like to sleep naked. Your partner might like to keep their socks on. You might be a Trekkie. Your partner is a Jedi. “Hey, I’m a vegetarian, but I don’t mind if you eat meat” or “I like cats, but dogs are fine too.” Those are differences. They are inevitable. As humans, we may share basic similarities but overall we are very different and that is a beautiful thing, especially when it aligns. Two different people coming together in a match creates a whole new world for each person to have access to. Some fear differences because they see them as a signifier of the unknown. They find it uncomfortable to experience something other than what they know as a part of their inner circle. Personally, I find differences to be intriguing and growth-building. It can be so exciting dating someone very different from yourself, because when those differences align it forces you to open your mind and often allows you to face things that you may have been actively avoiding but that could elevate you. It can be challenging having to adjust and shift in the presence of someone who is not innately like you or who operates outside of the norm of what you’re accustomed to. That said, a challenge is a good type of work. It’s like when you go to the club and they play “Knuck If You Buck,” followed by “Shorty Swing My Way,” followed by “Doo Doo Brown,” and you manage to stay on the dance floor ’til the last bass drop. That’s a challenge! Because your thighs are absolutely going to have to go to a whole other level of strength to withstand all three of those records in sequence. However, at the end of it, you feel like you have accomplished something. You feel like you have climbed the mountain of ratchetry to its summit! Though you may be tired, though you may be weary, you feel accomplished! (And if you’re over thirty-five you feel weak in the knees!) That is what a challenge is. It’s work that when done feels like a triumph rather than a depletion. Being challenged is what makes you elevate and gain strength in areas that you may have been lacking in or that you thought were unable to be further improved upon. If you’re with somebody and they are not challenging you as a part of your elevation, then they, most likely, are a part of your depletion.
Dysfunction is the clashing of differences because 1) maybe the parties can’t compromise, 2) maybe you simply have differences that, though valid, do not intersect in an enriching way for each other, or 3) one person thinks their values are more righteous than the other’s. Guess what, your values may actually be
more righteous than the other person’s. Maybe you actually give a damn about the world and they, on the other hand, are out here just “doing them.” Once you recognize that, you can’t cosign it. You’re not compatible, it will lead to dysfunction, and there’s no value in dysfunction. The whole shit is wack. It’s you constantly trying, as an exercise in futility, to make two puzzle pieces come together that simply do not fit. It’s you wasting your energy trying to make “fetch” happen. It’s you attempting, in vain, to blend your unpressed natural with a Hawaiian Silky. It’s not gonna happen. So the cycle continues because when a situation is incompatible it will continue to show you its incompatibility over and over and over again. It’s never fun to always be arguing and going head to head. Yet some folks really believe “That’s just part of being in a relationship.” Nah, it’s part of being in a dysfunctional relationship. Perhaps it didn’t start out that way and your differences aligned, but people change and when they do, things can get out of line. The question becomes, is it possible to come back to the middle and are you two taking the steps to do so.
If you’re reading this and a lightbulb is going off, you probably felt this way in your gut for a while but may not have had the language to identify the feeling. You can totally appreciate someone for who they are without them being the right person for you. If I’m with somebody and they’re arguing with me about why Cersei should win the Iron Throne over Khaleesi, I can absolutely appreciate their shared love for the goings-on of Westeros, but if they’re in defense of that evil bih Cersei, that tells me off the top that we do not belong together! But I digress, compatibility doesn’t mean you don’t have to consciously commit to the discipline, self-awareness, and communication necessary to make a relationship flourish, but it does provide a solid foundation upon which to do so. Some people think a relationship is constantly having to “figure it out.” NO! You have enough bs going on in the world outside for you to have to constantly figure out how to coexist in your inner world. The bottom line is that romantic relationships, at their best, are about elevation, and you can’t go upward if you’re spending all of your time going at each other.
Small Doses Page 19
