Twenty-eight
The Zen garden was so desolate all winter. I only came out here a few times, wrapped up in my puffy coat, watching the city lights sparkle in the cold night. I haven’t seen Ree in a while. I wonder how she’s doing, if she still comes out here to sketch the moon.
I love being back in the garden now that it’s warmer. I can’t wait for the sunflowers to grow again. And I’m excited about this walk we’re about to go on. I’m just waiting for everyone to get here.
Looking around for John, I find him crossing the street. I can tell it’s him even from this far away. I like being able to watch him when he doesn’t know I’m watching. Whenever we have plans to do something, I always get this happy feeling of anticipation. I love spending time with John. He’s the first person I’ve ever felt totally comfortable with. I don’t have to think about how to act when I’m with him. It’s such a relief to just relax and be myself, especially since I’m starting to understand who that is. He makes me feel like nothing I could do would make him like me any less. And that’s an amazing feeling.
When John finds me he says, “Wanna go for a walk?”
“Like I’d miss our vernal equinox walk.”
“And vernal equinox resolution. It’s kind of like an autumnal equinox resolution, only better.”
“Do you know what your resolution is?”
“You know what it is.” He looks at me with intense eyes.
I feel my cheeks get hot. It didn’t used to bother me when John said stuff like that back when I found out he liked me. But now it affects me. Not to the point where I’d want to stop being friends or anything. We’re better friends than ever. It’s just ... the way he looks at me. It’s intense, is all.
Sadie has a theory that when I was infatuated with Scott, I wasn’t able to accurately process any other boy’s behavior. It was like I was perceiving all the other boys through some kind of filter. Now that filter is off and everything is much clearer.
“Happy spring!” Sadie yells from the walking path. We get up from our rock and make our way down to her, stepping on the other big rocks as we go.
“Can you believe this weather?” I say.
“I know,” she says. “It’s like spring knew we were going to celebrate it.”
“Spring totally knew,” Carlos says. The way he agrees with Sadie is so cute. He’s completely smitten.
I could not have been prouder of Sadie when she called Carlos. She lost almost all of her boy confidence after he gave her his number. She was convinced that he thought she was a complete freak and only gave her his number to be nice, so after obsessing for days over whether to call him she wasn’t even going to call. But then Sadie remembered how she promised herself she wouldn’t have any more regrets.
It’s obvious that Carlos was stoked by her decision.
As we start walking downtown in the twilight, more city lights blink on. This is the best time for a walk, with everything the night can bring just waiting to be discovered.
I take a piece of paper folded into a trapezoid out of my bag. I slip it into John’s back pocket.
“What’s that?” he says.
“Just something.”
“What is it?”
“A note. A warm fuzzy, more specifically.”
“You are so in love with those!” Sadie raves. She gazes adoringly at Carlos. “I transformed Brooke from an aloof, cynical person into someone who writes warm fuzzies.”
“Hey,” John says. “You can’t take all the credit. Let the record show that other people were involved in that transformation.”
“Sorry, John. You rule as well.”
“You guys make me sound like an extra-credit project,” I say. “Don’t listen to them, Carlos. I wasn’t aloof.”
Carlos smiles knowingly. He’s only been with Sadie for two months, but that’s more than enough time to understand how giving she is.
“Is it the warm fuzzy you promised me?” John asks.
“That would be the one. You should read it later.” We’re passing an enormous building with huge loft spaces. The lights are on in the penthouse, which has a spectacular glass wall. I tilt my head way back and look up. You can totally see in. It would be so cool to have a home like that one day.
I look up a lot more these days. To me, it feels like hope. Now I know that the chances for happiness are infinite. Anything can happen. And there are people who will stick by me even though I’ll always be a work in progress.
John is staring at me. I can feel his stare against the side of my face.
“What?” I go.
“I love watching you when you see something you like.”
“You have to quit saying things like that.”
“Why?”
“Because I know you like me.”
“So? Does that mean I can’t be honest anymore?”
“This isn’t awkward at all,” Sadie tells Carlos.
“Sorry, guys. I keep explaining to John that friends don’t say things like that to their friends.”
“No, but a friend who’s in love with a friend does.”
Pause. Did John just tell me he loves me?
Sadie and John exchange a look. No one knows how I’m going to react. Including me.
“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way,” John says. “I get it. I just wanted you to know.”
One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone who sees everything you are and won’t let you be anything less. They see the potential of you. They see endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way. As someone who matters. As someone who can make a difference in this world.
If you’re lucky enough to find that person, never let them go.
I grab his hand. This time, I won’t let go.
Acknowledgments
Warm fuzzies with extra sparkle go out to:
Kendra Levin & Regina Hayes
In the world of editing, you are gifted with The Knowing.
My Penguin family
The ones who make it all happen.
Jim Hoover & Marc Tauss
For turning my dream cover into reality.
David Letterman
Who sparked my passion for New York City.
Gillian MacKenzie & Kirsten Wolf
For always having my back.
Laurie Halse Anderson, Sarah Dessen, and Meg Cabot
From whom I’ve learned so much.
Dr. Pat Sharkey, NYU Department of Sociology
For enlightening me about neighborhood effects.
Paul Simon
Back in the day, you were the soundtrack of my future.
Jim Downs
Fellow lover of the Energy, fellow winner of the race.
Joe Torello
Who knows all about chasing the dream.
Pierre
Who understands about the High Line.
And especially my readers
Your excitement and support help me to always dream big.
Infinite thanks to you.
So Much Closer Page 18
