by J. Daniels
I had never been more grateful for an animal before in my life. Maybe Sir could get a smile out of the kids.
As soon as they slipped outside, Sydney inquired about the overall mood the three of us had difficulty hiding, and I broke down at the table. I told her about everything—Thursday at Nathan’s, his promise to call, the fact that he hadn’t, and Olivia’s list. That one killed me to share. I told her how responsible I felt and how Brian had been right to warn me weeks ago.
When the front door opened and my brother strolled in, questioning my tears the second he saw me, I shared that last part again. He stood behind Sydney’s chair and listened with his arms crossed over his chest.
“What happened on Thursday?” he asked.
“Nothing. I don’t know, we just had a fight.” I picked at my napkin. “Well, not really a fight. More like a really emotional discussion.”
“About what?”
I glanced at Syd, telling her with my eyes that I did not want Brian knowing all of Nathan’s business, that it wasn’t mine to tell, and that the only reason why I told her in the first place was because I needed to confide in someone. She was the someone I chose. I said a lot in that glance, and miraculously, Syd picked up on it.
“They just got into it,” she said, turning sideways to look back at him. “You know, when you argue and it’s not really about anything—we do that.”
Brian peered down at her, brow cocked. “No, we don’t.”
“Yes, we do. All couples do.” She glared at him.
“Why are you lookin’ at me like that?”
“I’m not looking at you like anything.” Syd kept glaring.
“Wild.”
“Trouble.”
“Is there somethin’ wrong with you?”
I knew the direction this was headed. If I didn’t intervene, Syd would blurt out all of Nathan’s business. My future sister-in-law did not do well under pressure.
“It was about his wife,” I said, getting Sydney’s attention first, and then Brian’s when his head slowly came up. “That’s all I want to say about it though, okay?”
My brother’s face relaxed. He tipped his head at the glass slider, suggesting, “Why don’t we step outside on the deck? I wanna say hi to the kids before I head back to work.”
“Sure. Okay.” I stood from my chair, and Syd did the same.
“I’ll put the food away, and then I’ll join you guys,” she said, spinning around and giving Brian a kiss before she started clearing the table.
I followed my brother outside and peered out into the yard as he hugged Olivia and then Oliver.
He spoke to them both as he petted Sir. Then Brian climbed the stairs and walked over to where I stood, stopping beside me.
“They’re missing him. No doubt about that.”
My eyes stung. I peered out over the deck. “They can’t understand what’s going on.”
“They’ll be all right.” He sounded so sure.
“I have a favor to ask,” I said, watching the kids. “It’s last minute, and if you already have plans on Friday, don’t change them. I’ll figure something out—”
“You know I’ll take him, Jen.”
I turned my head and met his eyes. “Oliver might not want to go now…He won’t talk about it yet, but I think he knows Nathan isn’t taking him.”
“You sure he isn’t takin’ him?”
“He hasn’t called me, Brian. He said he would call…I even left him a message, asking him to let me know if he was planning on going or not.” I squeezed the wooden rail until my palms ached. “I should’ve listened to you. I never should’ve let the kids get attached.”
My brother threw his arm over my shoulders and pulled me close, a heavy breath leaving him. “If Oliver wants to go, I’ll be there.”
“Thank you.”
“Same meeting place as last time?”
I nodded. Warm breath pushed against the top of my head.
“I ain’t always right, Jen,” Brian told me.
I knew that was his way of saying he hoped he wasn’t right and that he still might not be. I blinked wet lashes and burrowed into his side.
When Syd came out to join us, Brian and I separated, allowing her to step in between. She leaned back against Brian’s chest and held on to his arms when he wrapped them around her. They looked happy. They always did.
I smiled at the two of them, and then my brother mentioned needing to leave soon. “Aren’t you going to eat anything?” I asked. “Isn’t that why you came home?”
“Already ate at Wax. Just wanted to see you and the kids for a minute.”
“Oh.” That made my heart warm. “That was nice.”
He shrugged, dropping his head on top of Syd’s. “Wild,” he urged, giving her a squeeze.
“Right.” She grinned at me. “August fourteenth is a Friday. Do you and the kids have plans that night?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Great. Because we’re throwing a massive party.”
“Okay.”
“At Jamie’s house.”
“Why there?”
Her eyes went round. “Huh?”
I laughed at her confusion. “Why are you having it there and not here? What’s wrong with here?” Their house was nice and plenty big enough to host a party.
“Nothing’s wrong with here,” Syd was quick to answer. “We just…wanted a bigger space. Plus, Jamie’s view. You can’t beat it.”
“Oh.” Well, that made sense. Jamie’s house was beachfront.
So is Nathan’s, I thought.
My shoulders dropped. “Cool. Sounds fun.”
“It’s going to be amazing.” Syd grinned. “You have to be there. No dates that night.” We stared at each other.
Syd frowned. “I’m an idiot. Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Nate’s even closing Whitecaps early so none of the girls will have to miss it.”
“Really?” Closing up for a party? That seemed strange. But I was more surprised to hear he knew about this party before I did.
“When did he tell you he’d close Whitecaps?”
“Yesterday when we spoke on the phone.”
What? “You spoke to him yesterday?”
Sydney blinked. Her lips slowly parted. “Y-yes, but really briefly, Jenna. Super brief. He called work to talk to Tori and I basically just stole the phone from her. I’m sorry I didn’t mention it. We didn’t talk long or about you, obviously…I mean, not obviously like he wouldn’t want to talk about you…”
My brother mumbled a curse, dropping his arms from around her and stepping back.
“I just mean I would’ve told her if he had said something.” Syd snapped her eyes to mine again. “I was literally on the phone with him for two seconds, Jenna. That’s it.”
“How was he? How did he sound?”
Sydney shook her head, shrugged, glanced back at Brian, who didn’t offer any assistance since he’d preoccupied himself by watching the kids, and then she met my gaze again. “Okay?” She winced.
She looked uncomfortable giving the answer. It was more uncomfortable to hear. I didn’t want Nathan not to be okay. I would never want that. But he was okay. He was okay and talking on the phone.
He just wasn’t talking on the phone to me.
I had been frustrated with Nathan because of his silence. Hurt too. Now I was pissed off.
Day six felt official.
* * *
It was just after five o’clock when I pulled into the apartment complex.
After learning of Syd’s conversation with Nathan, I had wanted to leave right along with my brother when he headed out, but the kids had asked for more time with Sir and Syd had asked for more time with me, so we stayed. It didn’t take much convincing.
If there was ever a time for my children to push for a puppy of their own, now was it. I was shocked they weren’t going there yet.
After leaving Syd, we swung by my office so I could hand in the doc
uments I had been working on. I collected new forms, filings that needed proofing, and spoke briefly to my boss—one of the partners at the firm—then I took us home.
“Any thoughts on dinner?” I asked, driving through the lot.
“No,” Oliver mumbled over Olivia’s, “I don’t care.”
My attitude echoed hers as I pulled into a space and shifted into park. If it weren’t for the kids, I doubt I would’ve cooked anything that night. I had zero desire to eat.
“Mom, look!” Olivia shrieked, startling me. She pointed over my shoulder.
Heart racing and hands gripping the wheel, I focused through the windshield.
Nathan was seated on the steps.
Chapter Twenty-Four
NATHAN
I got to my feet as the kids fled the car, Olivia pushing past Oliver and jumping up onto the sidewalk. She ran at me, smiling and yelling my name.
“Nate! Nate!”
Oliver walked behind her with his head lowered. He wouldn’t meet my eyes. Jenna stood frozen beside the car. I wasn’t sure whose reaction I had been expecting more.
I met Olivia at the bottom of the steps.
“I knew you’d come over! I knew it!”
She launched herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck when I lifted her off her feet and held on with all the strength she had. The pounding of her heart mirrored mine. I was so fucking happy to see them. I rubbed Olivia’s back as we hugged, keeping my eyes on Oliver as he slowly made his way over. He stopped in front of me and stared at the sidewalk.
“Hey, bud.”
“Hey,” he mumbled.
I held out my fist. Oliver glanced up and looked at it for a moment, then quickly bumped his knuckles against mine.
He was feeling something—anger or dejection, maybe both. Maybe a lot of things, and even though he could’ve been reacting to something that had nothing to do with me, I knew it had everything to do with me. I had a lot to fix, to explain. I’d known that coming over here.
“I want to talk to you,” I said, getting Oliver’s attention. “To both of you.” I looked at Olivia when she leaned back. “But I need to talk to your mom first, okay?”
“That’s probably a good idea,” Olivia said.
“Yeah, she’s been crying,” Oliver said sharply. “Like, a lot.”
My gut twisted. I snapped my gaze to Jenna, who was still stuck on the pavement, watching me, watching us, but seemed to realize she hadn’t moved the moment our eyes met.
She blinked, looking down at her keys, then locked her car and stormed over. She was wearing a sleeveless maroon top and those faded cutoff shorts she favored. Her hair fell in thick, dark curls. I imagined it braided earlier like Olivia’s was now. Jenna reached me quickly, her sandals smacking the sidewalk.
“Hi,” I said.
Jesus, was there ever a more loaded word? That hi was so many things. I’m sorry. I missed you. I love you. I need you.
Jenna avoided my stare and glanced between the kids. “Can you guys go inside, please? I need to talk to Nathan.”
“Yeah,” Oliver answered.
Olivia wiggled down. “We already knew that,” she said, giving me a secret thumbs-up against her chest her mother couldn’t see. I smiled at her.
“Here, Oliver.” Jenna handed him the keys.
They climbed the steps together, both of them peering back at me before they reached the door. They disappeared inside the building.
I looked at Jenna. She was already watching me.
“I’m sorry,” I said, needing to get that out first. Fuck, that needed to be said days ago. “I should’ve called you. I wanted to, Jenna. Please don’t think I didn’t.”
She pulled in a breath through her nose. Her chest heaved. “Are you okay?”
“No.” I rubbed at my face. “I don’t know. Not really.” I took a seat on the steps. “Can you sit with me?”
Jenna blinked, sending a tear down her cheek.
Hand on the cement, I was pushing off to stand, to go to her, when she walked over and sat down on the step. She left space between us, two bodies’ worth. Way too much space for me.
“Why are you here right now, Nathan?” she asked. Her eyes were tear-filled. “Why didn’t you call me or come over? Anything. It’s been six days…”
“I know. I wanted to see you.”
“Don’t tell me what you wanted to do,” she bit out. “You should’ve done something about it. Do you have any idea what that did to them?” Jenna didn’t point or gesture behind her and she didn’t need to. I knew who she meant. “You disappeared. You dropped them, Nathan, after seeing you practically every day for two and a half months.”
“Jenna, that shit I was going through…and what I’m still going through, it fucked me up. Thursday—”
“Of course, I get it.” She jabbed at her chest. “I know how difficult Thursday was for you. I understand. I will always understand, but they can’t, Nathan. My kids will never understand why you don’t want to be around them.”
“It wasn’t them, Jenna.”
“Who was it, then? Me?” Her bottom lip began to tremble. “Because you didn’t want me with you while you went through that. You made that very clear…”
“No.” I moved closer, reaching out, and took her sweet face between my hands. “Fuck, no, it wasn’t you,” I rasped. “It wasn’t anyone. I wanted you there. I always want you there…You have no idea what I feel for you.”
“You asked me to leave.” She grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands down. “What could you possibly feel for me if you could do that?” I watched big tears roll down her cheeks. “I needed you to need me,” she whispered. “I wanted it so bad…”
“I do need you.”
“Stop, Nathan.” She pulled back when I wiped her face.
“I can’t. I can’t see you like this and do nothing.” I slid even closer until her knees pushed into my leg and held on to her hands. We stared at each other.
I had to let her in. Now. I had to tell her.
“I messed up a lot with Sadie, Jenna.” I felt her hand tense in mine. “I missed things. I know I did. She could’ve been asking me for help and I didn’t see it. I don’t know how I could do that. I loved her…But there are things I know I overlooked. When she wanted to go back to work weeks before her maternity leave was up, I didn’t know that was her way of telling me she was having a hard time. Now I know it was.”
“You don’t know that for sure.” Jenna spoke softly. Sweetly. Her hand held on to mine now. She was trying to make me feel better, despite how massively I had fucked things up.
And God, I loved her for that.
“No, I do. I know it for sure,” I argued. “Sadie loved her job, but she was so fucking excited for Marley. We both were.”
Jenna looked at me. She didn’t argue it now. She couldn’t.
“I have this dream about her sometimes.” My chest moved deeply as I breathed. “That night me and you were together, that first night when I called out for Sadie…I always dream the same thing. Not every night, but enough. It scares the shit out of me when I have it.”
“What do you dream?”
“I wake up. She wakes me up.” I smiled a little at the memory. “It’s our last day together. I can remember it clearly. It plays out just like it happened, but after I leave for work, I’m still there with her. In my dream I can see her…I follow her around and she’s struggling. She’s wishing I’d stayed and she wants me there. And I think it’s the fact that I don’t know what happened that fucks me up so bad. I don’t know what she was feeling and I don’t know if she hesitated taking those pills, if she was waiting for me…I don’t know. I’ll never fucking know.”
“Have you talked to anyone about it?”
“No. Only you.”
“Nathan, you should probably talk to someone—”
“I only want to talk to you about it. I should’ve already.” I lifted my glasses to wipe wetness from my eyes. “Thursday would’ve been diffi
cult to handle if I’d simply forgotten, but I have guilt already when it comes to Sadie—I always will. I didn’t see her when she was alive, Jenna, and I have no problem seeing you. I will never have that problem.” She blinked at me. “I messed up. I’m sorry I told you to leave. I’m sorry I acted like I didn’t want you there…I did. I should’ve called. I should’ve been here sooner. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” I stroked my thumb along her cheek, leaning closer. “I can’t lose you.”
“Nathan…”
“You were right.”
She studied me. “About what?”
“How scary it is to love someone this much. It is completely terrifying.”
Her pink lips slowly parted. She inhaled sharply and pulled back, letting my hand fall away. “I don’t think we should do this,” she whispered.
I stared at her mouth. I waited for the words, to hear them again. I must’ve misunderstood her. We shouldn’t do this?
“What?” I asked.
Jenna moved my hands out of her lap, depositing them into my own, then pushed to her feet and stood on the sidewalk. She clutched at the strap across her body with both hands, like she needed something to hold, and if it wasn’t that, it might’ve been me, and she couldn’t let it be me.
“Why shouldn’t we do this?” I pressed her, getting to my feet then as well. I stood in front of her. “What are you talking about?”
“I don’t think you’re ready.”
“To move on?” How can she think that? “Jenna, I am ready. I want to be with you.”
She quickly shook her head. “No, see? It’s not just me, Nathan. You can’t just want to be with me. And maybe this is my fault. Maybe I should’ve said something before we started anything. Then my kids wouldn’t have gotten hurt…I let them get attached to you. God, I wished for it. I wanted this to work so badly. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted…I want a family.”
Her tears fell, streaking down her face. She let them. She didn’t wipe them away, and when I stepped closer, needing to do it for her, Jenna took a step back.
