by J. Daniels
“I’ll never forget how he saved him,” Shay said.
I stared at Nathan, waiting for that same wonder other people felt when they looked at him to hit me, and it didn’t. Even my friends who knew of our relationship still saw only a man saving a boy. Some of the other people here had expected Nathan to accept what was happening, and I knew he wouldn’t. I had been sure about it. When it’s your child, you don’t give up. You never give up. You can’t.
I saw a man saving his son.
I walked over and knelt beside him, picking up Oliver’s discarded glasses.
“Nathan.” I cupped his cheek.
He immediately lifted his head. There were tears in his eyes, and fear. So much fear.
“Our son wants you.”
His gaze sharpened and snapped over my shoulder after I spoke, then came just as quickly back to mine. He pulled in a breath through his nose, got to his feet, and walked over, taking Oliver into his arms again. They hugged each other.
When Travis came back inside with the paramedics, Nathan sat with Oliver on the couch to make the examination easier, but he kept his hold. Everyone had to work around him. Around them. Oliver wasn’t letting go of Nathan either.
After we were assured a hospital visit wasn’t necessary tonight, I declined my brother’s offer to stay, congratulating him and Sydney again, and insisted the party continue without us.
There was no reason why it shouldn’t—everyone was okay. I just couldn’t stay any longer. I felt rattled.
Nathan met me at the door. He still held Oliver, who had his head on Nathan’s shoulder and his eyes closed. Olivia stood beside them, holding on to Nathan’s hand.
“I need you to come home with me,” Nathan said when I reached him.
Oliver lifted his head and blinked awake behind his frames. “Can we, Mom? I wanna stay with Nate.”
“Me too,” Olivia added. “Can we go?”
“Of course we can.” I looked up at Nathan. “We’ll need to grab some stuff for the night. Do you want me to take them with me?”
“No.”
“Okay.” I smiled. I’d had a feeling he would say that.
Nathan didn’t smile back. He still looked so worried.
We walked outside together. I followed Nathan to his truck instead of walking toward my car and caught his arm before he opened the driver’s-side door. The kids had already piled inside it.
“Hey. Come here,” I said, guiding his face down with my hand on his cheek. “He’s okay.”
Nathan panted a breath and circled his arms around me. “Fuck, Jenna.” He sounded in pain.
“I know. I was scared too. But he’s okay.” I hugged him tighter, my cheek turned on his chest. “Because of you, Nathan. You were watching him when I wasn’t. You saved him.”
“I couldn’t lose him. I never would’ve stopped.”
Tears welled up in my eyes.
We held each other until something sharp knocked repeatedly on the glass at Nathan’s shoulder.
“Can we go!” Oliver yelled, his voice muffled. “It’s getting stuffy in here! I already almost died once tonight…”
I jerked back and glared around Nathan. “Oliver!” I snapped. “That isn’t funny. Don’t talk like that.”
“I’m just kidding!”
“Well, don’t.”
“I’m still hungry. Can we go get some hot dogs?”
My eyes bulged in their sockets. What!
“I’m kidding again!” Oliver giggled hysterically, his cheek smashed against the glass.
“Good one, Ollie!” Olivia yelled.
“Oh my God.” I rubbed at my temples. That boy…
Nathan’s deep chuckle turned my head. He leaned his back against the driver’s door and smiled at me. “I strangely feel a lot better now.”
“Yeah.” I rolled my eyes, laughing a little. “Me too.”
“He’s morbid.”
“Clearly he takes after you,” I joked.
Nathan’s smile gentled, and even with the night sky above us, I could see the emotion in his eyes. “Come on. Ride with me.”
“What about my car?”
“Leave it.” He reached out and took my hand. “Let’s get Marley and go home.”
* * *
I held Marley against my chest as I rocked her in the chair.
She’d fallen asleep on the ride home and could’ve easily been laid down, but I needed to hold her. And while Nathan and the kids cued up a movie, I’d brought Marley upstairs and sat with her in her room. I spoke softly to her as I smelled her sweet, lavender-scented skin and felt the soft curls around her face. I told her how much I loved her.
I imagined getting to do this every day, and the thought filled me with incredible happiness, when I was already so full of it. My heart overflowed.
“Hey.” Nathan spoke softly from the doorway.
“Hi,” I whispered.
“You’ve been up here awhile.” He leaned his shoulder against the frame. “Are you ever going to put her down?”
“Probably not.” I smiled at him. “But I guess since I get to do this tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that…”
“Forever,” he said.
All of this, our family—forever.
I stood with Marley and laid her in her crib, covering her up with the blanket. Then I walked over to Nathan. “That sounds like an amazing life.”
“What does?”
“Forever with you and her. With all of us.”
He smiled in the moonlight.
I gripped his shirt and kissed him. “Did you finish the movie?”
It wouldn’t surprise me if they had. I really had been up here awhile.
With his hand on my back, Nathan began to lead me down the hallway toward the bedroom. “They fell asleep before it ended. And you know your kids…heavy sleepers.” He looked at me with his brow raised suggestively.
Flashbacks from our first night together entered my mind. This hallway. This exact same conversation. We could talk or do anything, and I knew when we stepped inside the bedroom, we wouldn’t talk.
“Our kids, you mean,” I corrected.
Nathan stopped walking when we’d nearly reached the door.
I did the same, spinning around to face him. “What? What is it?”
Was he surprised I’d said that? He shouldn’t be. I’d already called Oliver his.
Nathan stared at me intently. “You asked me weeks ago if I wanted more kids and I didn’t know the answer to that. I know it now.”
My heart began to race.
“Would you have more kids with me?” he asked.
“Yes.” My answer was instant.
Nathan smiled and stepped closer. “Would you move in with me?”
“Yes. Absolutely.” I was grinning now as I reached for him, taking his hand. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I? If we have more kids—”
“Would you marry me?”
I stopped grinning, and my breath caught.
“Yes. I would marry you,” I said steadily. “But—”
“But?” Nathan’s arms circled my waist. He wore the most perfect smirk. “That might be the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“It’s a good ‘but.’” I held on to his neck, smiling. God, I am so in love with this man. “I would love to marry you, but it’s not up to me…and even though I think the kids would be more than okay with it, I would need to talk to them about it first. It affects them in a very big way.”
His eyes crinkled as he studied me. He stepped back, taking my hand. “Come on.”
Nathan led me back down the hallway.
“Um, I’m confused.” I laughed quietly as we passed Marley’s bedroom. “Where are we going?” I whispered. “I thought, you know…kids. Asleep…” I held on to Nathan’s arm as we descended the stairs.
He flicked on the lights, pulling me through the kitchen and into the family room. He didn’t explain his actions.
The TV was still on. I peered at
the couch when we got in front of it and at Oliver and Olivia fast asleep at either end.
Nathan released my hand and dropped to his knee. He gently woke the kids, rubbing their shoulders until they roused.
Oliver blinked awake first and stretched his arms.
Olivia sat up in a daze. Her braids were messy. “Huh?” She squinted at me. “We’re not leaving, are we? I thought we were staying the night.”
I looked at Nathan instead of answering. I had no idea what was going on.
“No, you’re not leaving,” he said, guiding Oliver to a sitting position. He reached for their glasses, which had been discarded on the end table, and handed them over.
The kids both yawned and pushed the frames up their noses.
“You can go back to sleep in a minute. Your mom wanted to know what we talked about earlier while she was upstairs. Can you guys tell her?”
My gaze jumped from Nathan to the kids. What? Oliver and Olivia looked at each other with matching grins.
“Mom, you’re gonna marry Nate,” Oliver said. “I mean, if you want to. Then we can get our last names changed to Bell. All of us. We really wanna do that.”
“Nate said we could. You just gotta say yes.” Olivia held her hands in front of her face like she was praying. “Please say yes! Please!”
“We wanna be a family, Mom.”
“We want you to marry Nate!”
“Mom.”
I bounced my gaze to Oliver as he scooted to the edge of the couch. I’d never seen him look more serious before.
“We’re good with this,” he said. “I know you gotta hear that. You know now, so do it. Marry Nate.”
Olivia slid to the edge now too and nodded at me. “Please?”
I exhaled a shaky breath. They were all asking me to marry him. All three of them.
“I’ll wake up Marley if I need to,” Nathan said, determination in his eyes. “I’ve talked to her about it. I’m not sure she understands it yet, but she loves you. And them. I know this is what she wants.”
“We can be a family, Mama. Just like our dream.” Olivia got to her feet and moved beside Nathan. She took hold of his hand. “See? Like this.”
Oliver stood then too and put his arm around Nathan’s neck. The three of them stared at me, and my God, they looked so much alike, it shouldn’t have been possible, it couldn’t have been, but it was.
“What do I need to do?” Nathan asked. “I’ll do anything for this.”
My heart started beating faster. He would. There was no doubt in my mind.
Nathan had hope in us. He’d known we belonged together back when I could only wish for it. He loved me. He loved my kids. He never would’ve stopped trying to save Oliver.
My answer was the easiest one of my life. And I gave it to him, after I dashed upstairs, got Marley out of her crib, and returned with her asleep in my arms. An action everyone except me found amusing at first.
Once we were all together and surrounded by our kids, I told Nathan I would marry him, and then he stopped questioning what I’d done, the kids stopped laughing at me for needing to do it, and we embraced, all of us.
Our family.
Epilogue
NATHAN
Three Years Later
Wake up, Nathan.”
I jerked awake and blinked against my pillow. My eyes were slow to focus as fingers softly feathered through my hair, pushing strands off my forehead.
“Hey.” Jenna’s gentle voice slid over me.
She was sitting up in bed, her back against the headboard and the lamp on the table beside her turned on, casting a soft glow around her and shadows on the wall. She had a book in her lap.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I nodded, turning my face into her hand when she cupped my cheek. “Yeah.” I kissed her palm.
“You haven’t had one in a while.”
She was right about that. My dreams had become much less frequent. It was rare to have one now. A lot of that had to do with the therapy Marley and I started going to together when she began to have questions that I wasn’t sure how to answer. Talking it out helped us both. And that was something we’d continue to do for as long as we both needed it, which might be forever. And if it was, that was okay.
But I knew the biggest reason for the scarcity of my dreams and how I felt overall about Sadie’s death was Jenna.
We talked a lot about the guilt I had. Why I carried it around and why I shouldn’t. There wasn’t any shame or judgment. I let Jenna in completely. I never held back anything I felt anymore. And it was good, sharing with her. I needed to do it as much as she needed it to happen. She was significant to me and she never doubted it.
We were working through it together, all of us.
“What are you doing up this late?” I asked. I rose to check the time, then collapsed onto my side again. It was nearly two in the morning.
Jenna felt the top of her protruding belly just below her breast. The ring I gave her caught in the light and sparkled. “I think your boy has decided to practice his right hooks tonight. He’s killing my ribs.” She winced and shifted her hips on the bed before relaxing back again.
“What’s his problem? Do I need to have a talk with him?” I rubbed her stomach, smoothing down the shirt of mine she was wearing so it looked like she was hiding a basketball underneath. I spread out my fingers and pretended to palm it. “How much bigger do you think you’re going to get?”
“A lot. Double this, maybe? I still have four months to go.” She smiled and rested her hand on top of mine. Then she gave me a pat, letting me know she was getting up before she took her time swinging her legs out of bed.
“Let me get them,” she said.
“I’m fine. You don’t need to.” I felt the heat of her body on the sheets.
“You’re such a liar.”
Her voice was sweet and teasing, but there was seriousness in it too. I knew better than to argue with her right now. She’d win. She always did.
When I’d had my first dream with everyone in the house, Jenna had stirred awake and talked me through it. It had helped. Then she’d gotten up and, after ignoring my protests, brought all of the kids into the bedroom so I could be surrounded by them. She wanted me to have all of their love around me. She’d known I needed it even before I did.
Even on nights when I thought I was fine, Jenna still got them up. And every single time, I felt better because of it.
After placing the book she was reading on the table, Jenna held her stomach as she moved toward the door.
I rolled onto my back so my eyes could follow and blinked at the ceiling when she stepped out of the room, leaving me alone. For a moment the house was still and quiet the way it used to be and the way I hated, but that didn’t last. It couldn’t anymore.
Muffled voices floated down the hallway, followed by footsteps—bare feet against the wood. I heard Jenna speak softly in the distance as Oliver moved into the bedroom first.
He was tall for eleven and letting his hair grow out. A decision he’d made once he saw a few of my old team photos. Strands covered his ears and fell into his eyes. Jenna tried not to hate it.
“Hey, Dad.” Oliver leaned over me so I could hug him. He squeezed my shoulder. “Love you.”
“Love you too, bud.”
As he was climbing into the bed on Jenna’s side, Olivia padded into the room.
She was Jenna’s twin now, in personality and in looks. Her freckles had remained while Oliver’s had faded. And she favored her hair down as opposed to braids.
“I like you,” she said as we hugged.
I smiled and kissed her temple. She loved me because she liked me. That was her logic.
“I love you too.”
Olivia walked around the bed and climbed on beside Oliver, who had scooted over near the center. He left a small gap between us, but not because Oliver didn’t want to be next to me. He just knew his sister.
Marley dragged the baby blanket she still slep
t with into the room and climbed up over my legs, crawling into the space her brother had left for her.
Blond curls spilled over her shoulders and back. Her eyes were still the bluest blue. She favored Sadie in every way.
Her warm arms wound around my neck.
“It’s okay, Daddy.” Her voice was sleep heavy and slow. “It wasn’t your fault,” she whispered.
It didn’t matter how much younger she was than her siblings. Marley knew what I dreamed. We talked about it in therapy.
I held her tight. “I love you.”
“Love you too.” She kissed my cheek, and then she pulled the covers up and wiggled underneath them, rolling onto her side. She snuggled close to Oliver.
When Jenna returned to the room, I adjusted my pillow so it pushed my shoulders off the mattress and boosted me up a little higher in bed.
I never liked lying completely flat with our son.
“How’s that?” Jenna asked, watching me settle Matthew against my chest.
He was long limbed already. He’d just turned one last month.
I cupped the back of his head, which was covered in thick, dark hair and curly like Marley’s.
He looked like the perfect combination of all four of us—it was wild.
“Good,” I murmured, smelling him, my hand on his back so I could feel him breathe.
“Just good?”
I looked over at her and shook my head.
She’d asked, but she knew I could never be just good getting what I needed. Just like she could never deny giving it to me.
Jenna bent down and we kissed. Then she got into bed beside Olivia and rolled to her side. She watched me above sleepy heads.
I knew, because I was already watching her.
“We’re getting a little crowded in here,” she said quietly, looking like that fact didn’t bother her at all, and she was more stating it out of curiosity for me, wondering how I felt about it. “We might need a bigger bed when these two come along.” She placed her hand on her stomach.
We’d found out we were expecting twins four months ago, and two months after that, their genders. A boy and a girl.
I couldn’t fucking wait. None of us could. Oliver and Olivia were especially excited.
