Sketches New and Old

by Mark Twain

  SOME LEARNED FABLES, FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS

  IN THREE PARTS

  PART FIRST

  HOW THE ANIMALS OF THE WOOD SENT OUT A SCIENTIFIC EXPEDITION

  Once the creatures of the forest held a great convention and appointed acommission consisting of the most illustrious scientists among them to goforth, clear beyond the forest and out into the unknown and unexploredworld, to verify the truth of the matters already taught in their schoolsand colleges and also to make discoveries. It was the most imposingenterprise of the kind the nation had ever embarked in. True, thegovernment had once sent Dr. Bull Frog, with a picked crew, to hunt for anorthwesterly passage through the swamp to the right-hand corner of thewood, and had since sent out many expeditions to hunt for Dr. Bull Frog;but they never could find him, and so government finally gave him up andennobled his mother to show its gratitude for the services her son hadrendered to science. And once government sent Sir Grass Hopper to huntfor the sources of the rill that emptied into the swamp; and afterwardsent out many expeditions to hunt for Sir Grass, and at last they weresuccessful--they found his body, but if he had discovered the sourcesmeantime, he did not let on. So government acted handsomely by deceased,and many envied his funeral.

  But these expeditions were trifles compared with the present one; forthis one comprised among its servants the very greatest among thelearned; and besides it was to go to the utterly unvisited regionsbelieved to lie beyond the mighty forest--as we have remarked before.How the members were banqueted, and glorified, and talked about!Everywhere that one of them showed himself, straightway there was a crowdto gape and stare at him.

  Finally they set off, and it was a sight to see the long procession ofdry-land Tortoises heavily laden with savants, scientific instruments,Glow-Worms and Fire-Flies for signal service, provisions, Ants andTumble-Bugs to fetch and carry and delve, Spiders to carry the surveyingchain and do other engineering duty, and so forth and so on; and afterthe Tortoises came another long train of ironclads--stately and spaciousMud Turtles for marine transportation service; and from every Tortoiseand every Turtle flaunted a flaming gladiolus or other splendid banner;at the head of the column a great band of Bumble-Bees, Mosquitoes,Katy-Dids, and Crickets discoursed martial music; and the entire trainwas under the escort and protection of twelve picked regiments of theArmy Worm.

  At the end of three weeks the expedition emerged from the forest andlooked upon the great Unknown World. Their eyes were greeted with animpressive spectacle. A vast level plain stretched before them, wateredby a sinuous stream; and beyond there towered up against the sky a longand lofty barrier of some kind, they did not know what. The Tumble-Bugsaid he believed it was simply land tilted up on its edge, because heknew he could see trees on it. But Professor Snail and the others said:

  "You are hired to dig, sir--that is all. We need your muscle, not yourbrains. When we want your opinion on scientific matters, we will hastento let you know. Your coolness is intolerable, too--loafing about heremeddling with august matters of learning, when the other laborers arepitching camp. Go along and help handle the baggage."

  The Tumble-Bug turned on his heel uncrushed, unabashed, observing tohimself, "If it isn't land tilted up, let me die the death of theunrighteous."

  Professor Bull Frog (nephew of the late explorer) said he believed theridge was the wall that inclosed the earth. He continued:

  "Our fathers have left us much learning, but they had not traveled far,and so we may count this a noble new discovery. We are safe for renownnow, even though our labors began and ended with this single achievement.I wonder what this wall is built of? Can it be fungus? Fungus is anhonorable good thing to build a wall of."

  Professor Snail adjusted his field-glass and examined the rampartcritically. Finally he said:

  "'The fact that it is not diaphanous convinces me that it is a densevapor formed by the calorification of ascending moisture dephlogisticatedby refraction. A few endiometrical experiments would confirm this, butit is not necessary. The thing is obvious."

  So he shut up his glass and went into his shell to make a note of thediscovery of the world's end, and the nature of it.

  "Profound mind!" said Professor Angle-Worm to Professor Field-Mouse;"profound mind! nothing can long remain a mystery to that august brain."

  Night drew on apace, the sentinel crickets were posted, the Glow-Worm andFire-Fly lamps were lighted, and the camp sank to silence and sleep.After breakfast in the morning, the expedition moved on. About noon agreat avenue was reached, which had in it two endless parallel bars ofsome kind of hard black substance, raised the height of the tallest BullFrog above the general level. The scientists climbed up on these andexamined and tested them in various ways. They walked along them for agreat distance, but found no end and no break in them. They could arriveat no decision. There was nothing in the records of science thatmentioned anything of this kind. But at last the bald and venerablegeographer, Professor Mud Turtle, a person who, born poor, and of adrudging low family, had, by his own native force raised himself to theheadship of the geographers of his generation, said:

  "'My friends, we have indeed made a discovery here. We have found in apalpable, compact, and imperishable state what the wisest of our fathersalways regarded as a mere thing of the imagination. Humble yourselves,my friends, for we stand in a majestic presence. These are parallels oflatitude!"

  Every heart and every head was bowed, so awful, so sublime was themagnitude of the discovery. Many shed tears.

  The camp was pitched and the rest of the day given up to writingvoluminous accounts of the marvel, and correcting astronomical tables tofit it. Toward midnight a demoniacal shriek was heard, then a clatteringand rumbling noise, and the next instant a vast terrific eye shot by,with a long tail attached, and disappeared in the gloom, still utteringtriumphant shrieks.

  The poor camp laborers were stricken to the heart with fright, andstampeded for the high grass in a body. But not the scientists. Theyhad no superstitions. They calmly proceeded to exchange theories.The ancient geographer's opinion was asked. He went into his shell anddeliberated long and profoundly. When he came out at last, they all knewby his worshiping countenance that he brought light. Said he:

  "Give thanks for this stupendous thing which we have been permitted towitness. It is the Vernal Equinox!"

  There were shoutings and great rejoicings.

  "But," said the Angle-Worm, uncoiling after reflection, "this is deadsummer-time."

  "Very well," said the Turtle, "we are far from our region; the seasondiffers with the difference of time between the two points."

  "Ah, true. True enough. But it is night. How should the sun pass inthe night?"

  "In these distant regions he doubtless passes always in the night at thishour."

  "Yes, doubtless that is true. But it being night, how is it that wecould see him?"

  "It is a great mystery. I grant that. But I am persuaded that thehumidity of the atmosphere in these remote regions is such that particlesof daylight adhere to the disk and it was by aid of these that we wereenabled to see the sun in the dark."

  This was deemed satisfactory, and due entry was made of the decision.

  But about this moment those dreadful shriekings were heard again; againthe rumbling and thundering came speeding up out of the night; and oncemore a flaming great eye flashed by and lost itself in gloom anddistance.

  The camp laborers gave themselves up for lost. The savants were sorelyperplexed. Here was a marvel hard to account for. They thought and theytalked, they talked and they thought. Finally the learned and aged LordGrand-Daddy-Longlegs, who had been sitting in deep study, with hisslender limbs crossed and his stemmy arms folded, said:

  "Deliver your opinions, brethren, and then I will tell my thought--for Ithink I have solved this problem."

  "So be it, good your lordship," piped the weak treble of the wrinkled andwithered Professor Woodlouse, "for we shall hear from your lor
dship'slips naught but wisdom." [Here the speaker threw in a mess of trite,threadbare, exasperating quotations from the ancient poets andphilosophers, delivering them with unction in the sounding grandeurs ofthe original tongues, they being from the Mastodon, the Dodo, and otherdead languages.] "Perhaps I ought not to presume to meddle with matterspertaining to astronomy at all, in such a presence as this, I who havemade it the business of my life to delve only among the riches of theextinct languages and unearth the opulence of their ancient lore; butstill, as unacquainted as I am with the noble science of astronomy, I begwith deference and humility to suggest that inasmuch as the last of thesewonderful apparitions proceeded in exactly the opposite direction fromthat pursued by the first, which you decide to be the Vernal Equinox,and greatly resembled it in all particulars, is it not possible, naycertain, that this last is the Autumnal Equi--"

  "O-o-o!" "O-o-o! go to bed! go to bed!" with annoyed derision fromeverybody. So the poor old Woodlouse retreated out of sight, consumedwith shame.

  Further discussion followed, and then the united voice of the commissionbegged Lord Longlegs to speak. He said:

  "Fellow-scientists, it is my belief that we have witnessed a thing whichhas occurred in perfection but once before in the knowledge of createdbeings. It is a phenomenon of inconceivable importance and interest,view it as one may, but its interest to us is vastly heightened by anadded knowledge of its nature which no scholar has heretofore possessedor even suspected. This great marvel which we have just witnessed,fellow-savants (it almost takes my breath away), is nothing less than thetransit of Venus!"

  Every scholar sprang to his feet pale with astonishment. Then ensuedtears, handshakings, frenzied embraces, and the most extravagantjubilations of every sort. But by and by, as emotion began to retirewithin bounds, and reflection to return to the front, the accomplishedChief Inspector Lizard observed:

  "But how is this? Venus should traverse the sun's surface, not theearth's."

  The arrow went home. It carried sorrow to the breast of every apostle oflearning there, for none could deny that this was a formidable criticism.But tranquilly the venerable Duke crossed his limbs behind his ears andsaid:

  "My friend has touched the marrow of our mighty discovery. Yes--all thathave lived before us thought a transit of Venus consisted of a flightacross the sun's face; they thought it, they maintained it, they honestlybelieved it, simple hearts, and were justified in it by the limitationsof their knowledge; but to us has been granted the inestimable boon ofproving that the transit occurs across the earth's face, for we have SEENit!"

  The assembled wisdom sat in speechless adoration of this imperialintellect. All doubts had instantly departed, like night before thelightning.

  The Tumble-Bug had just intruded, unnoticed. He now came reeling forwardamong the scholars, familiarly slapping first one and then another on theshoulder, saying "Nice ('ic) nice old boy!" and smiling a smile ofelaborate content. Arrived at a good position for speaking, he put hisleft arm akimbo with his knuckles planted in his hip just under the edgeof his cut-away coat, bent his right leg, placing his toe on the groundand resting his heel with easy grace against his left shin, puffed outhis aldermanic stomach, opened his lips, leaned his right elbow onInspector Lizard's shoulder, and--

  But the shoulder was indignantly withdrawn and the hard-handed son oftoil went to earth. He floundered a bit, but came up smiling, arrangedhis attitude with the same careful detail as before, only choosingProfessor Dogtick's shoulder for a support, opened his lips and--

  Went to earth again. He presently scrambled up once more, still smiling,made a loose effort to brush the dust off his coat and legs, but a smartpass of his hand missed entirely, and the force of the unchecked impulseslewed him suddenly around, twisted his legs together, and projected him,limber and sprawling, into the lap of the Lord Longlegs. Two or threescholars sprang forward, flung the low creature head over heels into acorner, and reinstated the patrician, smoothing his ruffled dignity withmany soothing and regretful speeches. Professor Bull Frog roared out:

  "No more of this, sirrah Tumble-Bug! Say your say and then get you aboutyour business with speed! Quick--what is your errand? Come move off atrifle; you smell like a stable; what have you been at?"

  "Please ('ic!) please your worship I chanced to light upon a find. Butno m(e-uck!) matter 'bout that. There's b('ic !) been another findwhich--beg pardon, your honors, what was that th('ic!) thing that rippedby here first?"

  "It was the Vernal Equinox."

  "Inf('ic!)fernal equinox. 'At's all right. D('ic !) Dunno him. What'sother one?"

  "The transit of Venus.

  "G('ic !) Got me again. No matter. Las' one dropped something."

  "Ah, indeed! Good luck! Good news! Quick what is it?"

  "M('ic!) Mosey out 'n' see. It'll pay."

  No more votes were taken for four-and-twenty hours. Then the followingentry was made:

  "The commission went in a body to view the find. It was found to consistof a hard, smooth, huge object with a rounded summit surmounted by ashort upright projection resembling a section of a cabbage stalk dividedtransversely. This projection was not solid, but was a hollow cylinderplugged with a soft woody substance unknown to our region--that is, ithad been so plugged, but unfortunately this obstruction had beenheedlessly removed by Norway Rat, Chief of the Sappers and Miners, beforeour arrival. The vast object before us, so mysteriously conveyed fromthe glittering domains of space, was found to be hollow and nearly filledwith a pungent liquid of a brownish hue, like rainwater that has stoodfor some time. And such a spectacle as met our view! Norway Rat wasperched upon the summit engaged in thrusting his tail into thecylindrical projection, drawing it out dripping, permitting thestruggling multitude of laborers to suck the end of it, then straightwayreinserting it and delivering the fluid to the mob as before. Evidentlythis liquor had strangely potent qualities; for all that partook of itwere immediately exalted with great and pleasurable emotions, and wentstaggering about singing ribald songs, embracing, fighting, dancing,discharging irruptions of profanity, and defying all authority. Aroundus struggled a massed and uncontrolled mob--uncontrolled and likewiseuncontrollable, for the whole army, down to the very sentinels, were madlike the rest, by reason of the drink. We were seized upon by thesereckless creatures, and within the hour we, even we, wereundistinguishable from the rest--the demoralization was complete anduniversal. In time the camp wore itself out with its orgies and sankinto a stolid and pitiable stupor, in whose mysterious bonds rank wasforgotten and strange bedfellows made, our eyes, at the resurrection,being blasted and our souls petrified with the incredible spectacle ofthat intolerable stinking scavenger, the Tumble-Bug, and the illustriouspatrician my Lord Grand Daddy, Duke of Longlegs, lying soundly steeped insleep, and clasped lovingly in each other's arms, the like whereof hathnot been seen in all the ages that tradition compasseth, and doubtlessnone shall ever in this world find faith to master the belief of it saveonly we that have beheld the damnable and unholy vision. Thusinscrutable be the ways of God, whose will be done!

  "This day, by order, did the engineer-in-chief, Herr Spider, rig thenecessary tackle for the overturning of the vast reservoir, and so itscalamitous contents were discharged in a torrent upon the thirsty earth,which drank it up, and now there is no more danger, we reserving but afew drops for experiment and scrutiny, and to exhibit to the king andsubsequently preserve among the wonders of the museum. What this liquidis has been determined. It is without question that fierce and mostdestructive fluid called lightning. It was wrested, in its container,from its storehouse in the clouds, by the resistless might of the flyingplanet, and hurled at our feet as she sped by. An interesting discoveryhere results. Which is, that lightning, kept to itself, is quiescent; itis the assaulting contact of the thunderbolt that releases it fromcaptivity, ignites its awful fires, and so produces an instantaneouscombustion and explosion which spread disaster and desolation far andwide in the earth."
r />   After another day devoted to rest and recovery, the expedition proceededupon its way. Some days later it went into camp in a pleasant part ofthe plain, and the savants sallied forth to see what they might find.Their reward was at hand. Professor Bull Frog discovered a strange tree,and called his comrades. They inspected it with profound interest. Itwas very tall and straight, and wholly devoid of bark, limbs, or foliage.By triangulation Lord Longlegs determined its altitude; Herr Spidermeasured its circumference at the base and computed the circumference atits top by a mathematical demonstration based upon the warrant furnishedby the uniform degree of its taper upward. It was considered a veryextraordinary find; and since it was a tree of a hitherto unknownspecies, Professor Woodlouse gave it a name of a learned sound, beingnone other than that of Professor Bull Frog translated into the ancientMastodon language, for it had always been the custom with discoverers toperpetuate their names and honor themselves by this sort of connectionwith their discoveries.

  Now Professor Field-Mouse having placed his sensitive ear to the tree,detected a rich, harmonious sound issuing from it. This surprising thingwas tested and enjoyed by each scholar in turn, and great was thegladness and astonishment of all. Professor Woodlouse was requested toadd to and extend the tree's name so as to make it suggest the musicalquality it possessed--which he did, furnishing the addition AnthemSinger, done into the Mastodon tongue.

  By this time Professor Snail was making some telescopic inspections.He discovered a great number of these trees, extending in a single rank,with wide intervals between, as far as his instrument would carry, bothsouthward and northward. He also presently discovered that all thesetrees were bound together, near their tops, by fourteen great ropes, oneabove another, which ropes were continuous, from tree to tree, as far ashis vision could reach. This was surprising. Chief Engineer Spider ranaloft and soon reported that these ropes were simply a web hung there bysome colossal member of his own species, for he could see its preydangling here and there from the strands, in the shape of mighty shredsand rags that had a woven look about their texture and were no doubt thediscarded skins of prodigious insects which had been caught and eaten.And then he ran along one of the ropes to make a closer inspection, butfelt a smart sudden burn on the soles of his feet, accompanied by aparalyzing shock, wherefore he let go and swung himself to the earth by athread of his own spinning, and advised all to hurry at once to camp,lest the monster should appear and get as much interested in the savantsas they were in him and his works. So they departed with speed, makingnotes about the gigantic web as they went. And that evening thenaturalist of the expedition built a beautiful model of the colossalspider, having no need to see it in order to do this, because he hadpicked up a fragment of its vertebra by the tree, and so knew exactlywhat the creature looked like and what its habits and its preferenceswere by this simple evidence alone. He built it with a tail, teeth,fourteen legs, and a snout, and said it ate grass, cattle, pebbles, anddirt with equal enthusiasm. This animal was regarded as a very preciousaddition to science. It was hoped a dead one might be found to stuff.Professor Woodlouse thought that he and his brother scholars, by lyinghid and being quiet, might maybe catch a live one. He was advised to tryit. Which was all the attention that was paid to his suggestion. Theconference ended with the naming the monster after the naturalist, sincehe, after God, had created it.

  "And improved it, mayhap," muttered the Tumble-Bug, who was intrudingagain, according to his idle custom and his unappeasable curiosity.

  END OF PART FIRST