Sketches New and Old

by Mark Twain

  THE SIAMESE TWINS--[Written about 1868.]

  I do not wish to write of the personal habits of these strange creaturessolely, but also of certain curious details of various kinds concerningthem, which, belonging only to their private life, have never crept intoprint. Knowing the Twins intimately, I feel that I am peculiarly wellqualified for the task I have taken upon myself.

  The Siamese Twins are naturally tender and affectionate in disposition,and have clung to each other with singular fidelity throughout a long andeventful life. Even as children they were inseparable companions; and itwas noticed that they always seemed to prefer each other's society tothat of any other persons. They nearly always played together; and, soaccustomed was their mother to this peculiarity, that, whenever both ofthem chanced to be lost, she usually only hunted for one of them--satisfied that when she found that one she would find his brothersomewhere in the immediate neighborhood. And yet these creatures wereignorant and unlettered--barbarians themselves and the offspring ofbarbarians, who knew not the light of philosophy and science. What awithering rebuke is this to our boasted civilization, with itsquarrelings, its wranglings, and its separations of brothers!

  As men, the Twins have not always lived in perfect accord; but stillthere has always been a bond between them which made them unwilling to goaway from each other and dwell apart. They have even occupied the samehouse, as a general thing, and it is believed that they have never failedto even sleep together on any night since they were born. How surely dothe habits of a lifetime become second nature to us! The Twins always goto bed at the same time; but Chang usually gets up about an hour beforehis brother. By an understanding between themselves, Chang does all theindoor work and Eng runs all the errands. This is because Eng likes togo out; Chang's habits are sedentary. However, Chang always goes along.Eng is a Baptist, but Chang is a Roman Catholic; still, to please hisbrother, Chang consented to be baptized at the same time that Eng was, oncondition that it should not "count." During the war they were strongpartisans, and both fought gallantly all through the great struggle--Engon the Union side and Chang on the Confederate. They took each otherprisoners at Seven Oaks, but the proofs of capture were so evenlybalanced in favor of each, that a general army court had to be assembledto determine which one was properly the captor and which the captive.The jury was unable to agree for a long time; but the vexed question wasfinally decided by agreeing to consider them both prisoners, and thenexchanging them. At one time Chang was convicted of disobedience oforders, and sentenced to ten days in the guard-house, but Eng, in spiteof all arguments, felt obliged to share his imprisonment, notwithstandinghe himself was entirely innocent; and so, to save the blameless brotherfrom suffering, they had to discharge both from custody--the just rewardof faithfulness.

  Upon one occasion the brothers fell out about something, and Changknocked Eng down, and then tripped and fell on him, whereupon bothclinched and began to beat and gouge each other without mercy. Thebystanders interfered, and tried to separate them, but they could not doit, and so allowed them to fight it out. In the end both were disabled,and were carried to the hospital on one and the same shutter.

  Their ancient habit of going always together had its drawbacks when theyreached man's estate, and entered upon the luxury of courting. Both fellin love with the same girl. Each tried to steal clandestine interviewswith her, but at the critical moment the other would always turn up.By and by Eng saw, with distraction, that Chang had won the girl'saffections; and, from that day forth, he had to bear with the agony ofbeing a witness to all their dainty billing and cooing. But with amagnanimity that did him infinite credit, he succumbed to his fate, andgave countenance and encouragement to a state of things that bade fair tosunder his generous heart-strings. He sat from seven every evening untiltwo in the morning, listening to the fond foolishness of the two lovers,and to the concussion of hundreds of squandered kisses--for the privilegeof sharing only one of which he would have given his right hand. But hesat patiently, and waited, and gaped, and yawned, and stretched, andlonged for two o'clock to come. And he took long walks with the loverson moonlight evenings--sometimes traversing ten miles, notwithstanding hewas usually suffering from rheumatism. He is an inveterate smoker; buthe could not smoke on these occasions, because the young lady waspainfully sensitive to the smell of tobacco. Eng cordially wanted themmarried, and done with it; but although Chang often asked the momentousquestion, the young lady could not gather sufficient courage to answer itwhile Eng was by. However, on one occasion, after having walked somesixteen miles, and sat up till nearly daylight, Eng dropped asleep, fromsheer exhaustion, and then the question was asked and answered. Thelovers were married. All acquainted with the circumstance applauded thenoble brother-in-law. His unwavering faithfulness was the theme of everytongue. He had stayed by them all through their long and arduouscourtship; and when at last they were married, he lifted his hands abovetheir heads, and said with impressive unction, "Bless ye, my children, Iwill never desert ye!" and he kept his word. Fidelity like this is alltoo rare in this cold world.

  By and by Eng fell in love with his sister-in-law's sister, and marriedher, and since that day they have all lived together, night and day, inan exceeding sociability which is touching and beautiful to behold, andis a scathing rebuke to our boasted civilization.

  The sympathy existing between these two brothers is so close and sorefined that the feelings, the impulses, the emotions of the one areinstantly experienced by the other. When one is sick, the other is sick;when one feels pain, the other feels it; when one is angered, the other'stemper takes fire. We have already seen with what happy facility theyboth fell in love with the same girl. Now Chang is bitterly opposed toall forms of intemperance, on principle; but Eng is the reverse--for,while these men's feelings and emotions are so closely wedded, theirreasoning faculties are unfettered; their thoughts are free. Changbelongs to the Good Templars, and is a hard-working, enthusiasticsupporter of all temperance reforms. But, to his bitter distress, everynow and then Eng gets drunk, and, of course, that makes Chang drunk too.This unfortunate thing has been a great sorrow to Chang, for it almostdestroys his usefulness in his favorite field of effort. As sure as heis to head a great temperance procession Eng ranges up alongside of him,prompt to the minute, and drunk as a lord; but yet no more dismally andhopelessly drunk than his brother, who has not tasted a drop. And so thetwo begin to hoot and yell, and throw mud and bricks at the GoodTemplars; and, of course, they break up the procession. It would bemanifestly wrong to punish Chang for what Eng does, and, therefore, theGood Templars accept the untoward situation, and suffer in silence andsorrow. They have officially and deliberately examined into the matter,and find Chang blameless. They have taken the two brothers and filledChang full of warm water and sugar and Eng full of whisky, and intwenty-five minutes it was not possible to tell which was the drunkest.Both were as drunk as loons--and on hot whisky punches, by the smell oftheir breath. Yet all the while Chang's moral principles were unsullied,his conscience clear; and so all just men were forced to confess that hewas not morally, but only physically, drunk. By every right and by everymoral evidence the man was strictly sober; and, therefore, it caused hisfriends all the more anguish to see him shake hands with the pump and tryto wind his watch with his night-key.

  There is a moral in these solemn warnings--or, at least, a warning inthese solemn morals; one or the other. No matter, it is somehow. Let usheed it; let us profit by it.

  I could say more of an instructive nature about these interesting beings,but let what I have written suffice.

  Having forgotten to mention it sooner, I will remark in conclusion thatthe ages of the Siamese Twins are respectively fifty-one and fifty-threeyears.