Sketches New and Old
Page 70
THE SCRIPTURAL PANORAMIST--[Written about 1866.]
"There was a fellow traveling around in that country," said Mr.Nickerson, "with a moral-religious show--a sort of scriptural panorama--and he hired a wooden-headed old slab to play the piano for him.After the first night's performance the showman says:
"'My friend, you seem to know pretty much all the tunes there are, andyou worry along first rate. But then, didn't you notice that sometimeslast night the piece you happened to be playing was a little rough on theproprieties, so to speak--didn't seem to jibe with the general gait ofthe picture that was passing at the time, as it were--was a littleforeign to the subject, you know--as if you didn't either trump or followsuit, you understand?'
"'Well, no,' the fellow said; 'he hadn't noticed, but it might be; he hadplayed along just as it came handy.'
"So they put it up that the simple old dummy was to keep his eye on thepanorama after that, and as soon as a stunning picture was reeled out hewas to fit it to a dot with a piece of music that would help the audienceto get the idea of the subject, and warm them up like a camp-meetingrevival. That sort of thing would corral their sympathies, the showmansaid.
"There was a big audience that night-mostly middle-aged and old peoplewho belong to the church, and took a strong interest in Bible matters,and the balance were pretty much young bucks and heifers--they alwayscome out strong on panoramas, you know, because it gives them a chance totaste one another's complexions in the dark.
"Well, the showman began to swell himself up for his lecture, and the oldmud-Jobber tackled the piano and ran his fingers up and down once ortwice to see that she was all right, and the fellows behind the curtaincommenced to grind out the panorama. The showman balanced his weight on
his right foot, and propped his hands over his hips, and flung his eyesover his shoulder at the scenery, and said:
"'Ladies and gentlemen, the painting now before you illustrates thebeautiful and touching parable of the Prodigal Son. Observe the happyexpression just breaking over the features of the poor, suffering youth--so worn and weary with his long march; note also the ecstasy beamingfrom the uplifted countenance of the aged father, and the joy thatsparkles in the eyes of the excited group of youths and maidens, andseems ready to burst into the welcoming chorus from their lips. Thelesson, my friends, is as solemn and instructive as the story is tenderand beautiful.'
"The mud-Jobber was all ready, and when the second speech was finished,struck up:
"Oh, we'll all get blind drunk When Johnny comes marching home!
"Some of the people giggled, and some groaned a little. The showmancouldn't say a word; he looked at the pianist sharp, but he was alllovely and serene--he didn't know there was anything out of gear.
"The panorama moved on, and the showman drummed up his grit and startedin fresh.
"'Ladies and gentlemen, the fine picture now unfolding itself to yourgaze exhibits one of the most notable events in Bible history--ourSaviour and His disciples upon the Sea of Galilee. How grand, howawe-inspiring are the reflections which the subject invokes! Whatsublimity of faith is revealed to us in this lesson from the sacredwritings! The Saviour rebukes the angry waves, and walks securelyupon the bosom of the deep!'
"All around the house they were whispering, 'Oh, how lovely, howbeautiful!' and the orchestra let himself out again:
"A life on the ocean wave, And a home on the rolling deep!
"There was a good deal of honest snickering turned on this time, andconsiderable groaning, and one or two old deacons got up and went out.The showman grated his teeth, and cursed the piano man to himself; butthe fellow sat there like a knot on a log, and seemed to think he wasdoing first-rate.
"After things got quiet the showman thought he would make one morestagger at it, anyway, though his confidence was beginning to get mightyshaky. The supes started the panorama grinding along again, and he says:
"'Ladies and gentlemen, this exquisite painting represents the raising ofLazarus from the dead by our Saviour. The subject has been handled withmarvelous skill by the artist, and such touching sweetness and tendernessof expression has he thrown into it that I have known peculiarlysensitive persons to be even affected to tears by looking at it. Observethe half-confused, half-inquiring look upon the countenance of theawakened Lazarus. Observe, also, the attitude and expression of theSaviour, who takes him gently by the sleeve of his shroud with one hand,while He points with the other toward the distant city.'"Before anybody could get off an opinion in the case the innocent old assat the piano struck up:
"Come rise up, William Ri-i-ley, And go along with me!
"Whe-ew! All the solemn old flats got up in a huff to go, and everybodyelse laughed till the windows rattled.
"The showman went down and grabbed the orchestra and shook him up andsays:
"'That lets you out, you know, you chowder-headed old clam. Go to thedoorkeeper and get your money, and cut your stick--vamose the ranch!Ladies and gentlemen, circumstances over which I have no control compelme prematurely to dismiss the house.'"