by Lucy Dawson
‘Agreed. Can I have a think about the best way forward as far as Dom goes?’
‘Of course.’ Ewan stretched his arms up then behind his back. ‘Those are really heavy.’
‘Did you see the kids much at break time? Were they mixing with the others in their year?’ My face must have looked more anxious than I realised, because Ewan drew me into a hug.
‘I watched them from the staff room window for a bit. Cass was OK – in a big group of the year eight girls. Al was very much on the outskirts of things, chatting to himself. He took a football to the head—’
My eyes closed briefly.
‘…but I genuinely think that was an accident. I saw a few younger kids go up to him, say something and run off a few times – eventually Cass went over. I’m not sure what was going on. I didn’t want to go down and get involved, but some other boy came across too. Quite a big lad, not tall like Al, but beefy… Al’s year, I think; I’m not down with the names yet. He gave the younger kids an ear-bashing by the look of it, because they all scattered.’ Ewan let go of me and took his T-shirt off. ‘Then the same kid took Al over to another group of year eight boys. Al sat on the edge, but he was sort of interacting.’
Ben – it had to be – stepping in to look after Al because he could see it was important to Cass. He’d worked out a strategy quickly. ‘Well, it could have been worse, I guess. Although I have no idea what I’m going to say to Nathan Sloan tomorrow. When I think about what Dominic might have told him… that along with whatever Nathan will have read about me and the Royal Grace…’ I exhaled slowly. ‘Do you think I should buy him something? A thank you for his help today?’
‘No, because you’re not responsible for Dominic. You were just married to him once. Just say thank you when you next see Nathan and try to leave it at that.’ He shrugged and got into bed. ‘Nathan’s a parent too. He’ll appreciate the situation, I’m sure.’
Nonetheless, I arrived at ten to eight the following morning, hoping to catch Nathan alone before he headed off to start consenting his patients, but annoyingly Tan and Hamish were already there too, laughing at something. The noise died down when I walked into the room, and I immediately wondered if Nathan had told them what had happened the day before.
‘Morning, Julia.’ Hamish smiled. ‘How are you? Disappointing news, I’m afraid. Firstly, this is the Scarlet Pimpernel – Nathan Sloan – regrettably, back from his holidays. Secondly, it’s his birthday today and the tight sod hasn’t brought any cakes in.’
‘We met yesterday, actually.’ I smiled. ‘Happy birthday.’
‘Thank you.’ He nodded at me and immediately turned back to Hamish. ‘I just forgot – that’s all. I swear.’
Tan raised an eyebrow, and Hamish laughed again. ‘He was so busy remembering that this is one of the two days a week he graces us with his presence,’ Nathan flicked him a V-sign, ‘that everything else flew from his mind. How often do you drive to the Goldtree Hospital car park by mistake only to realise it’s one of your NHS and not private days? Just out of interest?’ Hamish crossed his arms and waited.
‘Yeah, yeah, yeah.’ Nathan glanced up at the clock and sighed. ‘I ought to go down, really.’
‘A full list awaits the hand of God,’ teased Hamish. ‘Do you think you’ll make it unassisted? Should we call for a porter and a chair now that you’re at such an advanced age?’
Tan smiled and moved to his desk to leaf through some papers, pausing to sign them.
‘How old are you, anyway?’ Hamish asked, obviously knowing full well.
Nathan yawned. ‘Old enough to know better—’
‘…pissed enough not to care,’ Hamish finished the quote, and Nathan shot a quick glance at me. I looked away first.
‘I might go and get a proper coffee from downstairs.’ I reached into my bag and pulled out my purse, wondering if he’d take the hint and come with me so I could apologise for Dominic and find out what exactly had happened, but he didn’t say anything. ‘Nathan? Treat you to a birthday latte?’ I tried again. ‘Have you got time for me to get you one before you go down? Can I get anyone else anything?’
Nathan hesitated. ‘Go on then, thank you very much. I’d love one, if you don’t mind.’
I smiled, slightly frustrated at his simply giving me his order. Men could be so dense. ‘No problem. I’ll bring it right up.’
‘One sugar, please,’ he added.
‘He’s definitely not sweet enough already.’ Hamish stared at his mobile and frowned. ‘I’m fine thanks, Julia.’
‘I’m OK too,’ Tan confirmed. ‘But thank you for asking.’
I was only halfway down the corridor when I heard Nathan call my name.
‘Hey.’ He caught right up to me and I breathed in an intense, heady aftershave. ‘I told the others I’d changed my mind and fancied a cappuccino instead, so we could grab a quick word. About yesterday—’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I began and scratched the back of my hand. ‘I can’t tell you how embarrassed I am.’
‘No, please, don’t be.’ He stepped forward and lowered his voice. ‘There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m sorry that the best way I could think of getting the message to you that I’d put him back on the train was via the school secretary. I didn’t want anyone from this place involved.’ He gestured behind him at our office. ‘It seemed the least intrusive way to get in contact. I hope it all made sense. I thought you’d want to know what was going on? Did I do the right thing?’ He looked troubled.
‘Yes! I don’t know how on earth you persuaded him, but whatever you did, it worked. Although when you made that comment about going for a cigarette and just disappeared off, I don’t mind admitting I was pretty unsettled.’
‘Well, I’m pleased to have unsettled you.’ He stared at me and his mouth flickered into a smile.
I raised an amused eyebrow. He obviously couldn’t help himself, and clearly men were not impervious to his charm either, but he’d been kind and I was very grateful. ‘Whatever Dominic might have said, I just want you to know that—’
Nathan held up his hands. ‘When we got in the car, he seemed to very suddenly hit a wall. He barely said a thing, just asked me to take him to the station because he wanted to go back to London. He didn’t tell me anything of substance.’
I found that hard to believe. ‘Really? It’s not like him to give in without a fight. He honestly didn’t say anything indiscreet to you, some allegation I might need to correct? Whatever must you think of me, thanks to my ex-husband and the newspaper reports.’ I laughed lightly, scratching harder until I realised what I was doing and stopped, clasping my hands behind my back instead. ‘I promise I’m not everything that people say about me.’
‘You have nothing to worry about. We might have chatted a bit, but nothing controversial. I did find myself wondering how a man like him was ever married to a woman like you.’
My mouth fell open. That was a bit…
‘I’m fascinated by how we’re all a couple of wrong decisions away from life catastrophe,’ he continued, ‘but you don’t have to tell me anything about Dominic’s backstory at all – obviously. Anyway – we’ll just leave it there.’ Luckily, he hadn’t noticed my misunderstanding him. ‘I’ve not breathed a word about this to anyone – I hope that goes without saying?’ He looked at me sincerely. ‘This stays between you and me. As for what I may or may not have read in the papers, you work here now, you’re one of us. That’s all that matters.’
Before I had chance to respond to that, the clinical nurse specialist joined us. ‘Morning both! Happy birthday, Mr Sloan. Another year gone! I remember when you’d just joined here. My goodness, that makes me feel old!’
‘Nonsense, Joan, you’re the lifeblood of this place. We’d be lost without you.’ Nathan placed an affectionate hand on her shoulder. ‘I also know what you’re after and yes, I have signed it – give me two seconds and I’ll dig it out. Julia,’ he turned back to me, ‘thank you, it’s really kind. Decaf,
one sugar.’ He let go of Joan, spun on his heels and returned to our office.
‘Ah, that’s nice!’ Joan said, approvingly. ‘Mr Sloan is one of those people who always looks after everyone else, so you’re a good deed, doing something for him for a change. It’s the little things, isn’t it? Just letting people know they’re appreciated. Such a gorgeous man,’ she sighed. ‘I must say, it’s very nice to see you’re not above doing a coffee run either – you’re going to fit in beautifully.’ She beamed at me. ‘Ooh! You’ve a bird on the line!’ She nodded at my trouser pocket, which had started to ring. ‘I’ll let you get on.’
I waited as she walked briskly towards our office, brandishing some forms, and pulled the phone out: Dominic.
‘Jules? Are you there?’
‘Yes.’ I walked down the corridor towards the coffee shop.
‘I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.’ As usual, the morning after the night before, he was contrite. It was like talking to a completely different person. ‘I was angry that I’d not had chance to speak to Al. I miss him so much.’
‘So you thought the way to show that was turning up drunk to abuse everyone instead?’ I kept the emotion from my voice. Stick to the facts.
‘I know, I know.’ He sounded wretched. ‘There’s no excuse. I’m just – really struggling at the moment with him being so far away.’
‘When we were living twenty-five minutes away from you, sometimes Al didn’t see you for several months at a time. You’d often say you were coming, then simply not turn up, leaving him very disappointed.’
‘That’s fair,’ he admitted. ‘But I really want to be a good dad to him now. He’s all I’ve got.’
‘That’s not true,’ I said, ‘and even if it was, it wouldn’t be OK to put the weight of that neediness on Al’s shoulders. He’s thirteen. He’s not responsible for your happiness.’
‘Look – you’re angry with me.’ He sniffed. ‘I can hear it in your voice. I get it and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have rocked up a bit merry.’
‘You were barely able to stand; you were rude to me in front of another parent—’
‘Nathan,’ he said immediately, and I stopped walking.
‘You remember him?’ I held the phone to my ear and listened carefully, stepping to one side so a trolley could be wheeled past me.
‘Yeah, of course. He drove me back to the station.’
‘What did you say to him?’ I’d betrayed myself as too interested though, and practically heard Dominic sit up. He forgot he’d rung to apologise and changed tack completely.
‘Why do you care?’ he said curiously. ‘Who exactly is this bloke to you? Are you up to your old tricks, Jules?’
I shook my head incredulously. His jealousy and paranoia were astounding. It had always been there, under the surface, but now it floated openly on the ever-present pool of alcohol he spent so much of his time slipping into. ‘Stop playing games. There are no “old tricks” and you know it. I’m married to Ewan.’
‘You were married to me,’ he shot back.
‘Hi there! Morning!’ I smiled as I passed another consultant on their way up to the department. ‘I’m not getting into this again. You know what happened, why I left you. It had nothing to do with Ewan. You can choose to rewrite history or face reality, it’s up to you, but while we’re on the subject of Ewan, he asked me last night if I think the time has come for a restraining order against you, to stop you from seeing Alex.’
‘Bastard! It’s nothing to do with him!’ he exclaimed. ‘Nothing at all!’
‘He was asking me what I think,’ I continued, ignoring that unpleasant outburst. ‘What would you say if you were me? You were abusive, drunk and unpredictable yesterday – outside a school. Should I let you go on seeing our son when you’re like that?’
‘Don’t, Jules, please!’ he begged. ‘I’m sorry!’ As ever he came full circle all over again. It was so sad and such a waste of both of our lives. ‘Please don’t go back to the courts. We don’t need to involve them. We always were a good team, weren’t we, eh? Remember? Please, Jules. I’ll sort myself out, I promise.’
I hung up. I could spend the next thirty, forty, fifty minutes on the phone to him. It wouldn’t change anything. He’d genuinely just asked me if I was having an affair with Nathan Sloan and that’s why we were here? He was so manipulative.
I shoved my phone back in my pocket as I arrived at the coffee shop, disquieted, uncomfortable and angry, and began to queue for Nathan’s cappuccino, one sugar.
Seven
Nathan
I drummed my fingers on the cool surface of my desk, glancing up at the clock. I should be going downstairs to start the meet and greets – Tan had already left to do his – rather than waiting for Julia to bring the cappuccino back up, yet my legs would not move. I wanted to make sure she was OK, that I hadn’t upset her. I’d overdone it with the remark about not seeing how Dominic had ever been married to a woman like her. Julia had been unnerved.
‘Must you make that noise? It’s bloody irritating.’
I looked left to discover Hamish was frowning at me. I didn’t answer; just flicked up the middle finger that had been drumming, instead.
‘Charmed, I’m sure. Go on then, I’ll bite.’ He crossed his arms. ‘What’s wrong?’
I sighed. ‘Nothing.’
He turned in his chair to face me properly. ‘This is reminding me of the day when you almost didn’t go in for your final exam. You were “convinced” you’d fail it. Remember I told you I was sick of paying for you and you couldn’t live in my parents’ flat forever – so you were going whether you liked it or not? And I actually stood over you while you got dressed?’
I sighed again. ‘Yes. You’ve always been both bossy and a pervert.’
Hamish raised an eyebrow. ‘You placed in the top five per cent nationally. Do I really need to have a similar pep talk with you now? Is it the big op this afternoon… or,’ he looked at me slyly, ‘something to do with our new girl?’
‘Julia?’ I scoffed quickly. ‘You do talk crap sometimes, Hamish. On the subject of Julia though, it turns out her kids are at school with Ben. I forgot to tell you.’ I began to rifle through my things absently as if my mind was very much elsewhere, although I had no idea what I was pretending to look for. ‘She’s got a boy in the same class. Might prove useful.’
Hamish put his head on one side. ‘You know you said about checking her balls?’
‘Yes. What about it?’ I regretted making my cheap anatomical remark about Julia. My veneer of niceness sometimes wore a little too thin. It was better when I wasn’t allowed to be myself.
‘Well, that was a joke, wasn’t it? You also said you were giving this one the swerve, remember?’ Hamish has a ridiculous memory for detail. He would almost certainly have lined up rows and rows of colour-coded toy cars as a child – only in our day, parents didn’t consider that spectrum behaviour. They were too busy completely ignoring us.
‘Why was she pointedly making a thing of offering you coffee, only for you to then leg it out of the room after her?’ Hamish wasn’t letting it go. ‘One might think you were wanting a private word with each other?’
‘Well, one would be completely wrong and seeing things that aren’t there.’ I was annoyed that it had been that obvious. I’d forced myself to stay at my desk when she asked if I wanted to join her, only to buckle at the last minute and run after her anyway, like an excited puppy, cartoon love hearts exploding in the air all around me. Fuck’s sake.
‘Anyway – yesterday,’ I mentally scrunched up the humiliating picture, ‘we had a situation at the school gates. Julia had just introduced herself when her ex-husband showed up from London. Drunk as a skunk, demanding to see their son. Julia panicked. I ended up taking him to the station and paid him a hundred quid to get back on the train to London.’ I got up and began to gather myself.
‘Well… did you now.’ Hamish looked at me thoughtfully and crossed his arms. ‘That was kind
of you.’
‘Well, she thought so,’ I added crossly, ‘which was the point. It was a tactical manoeuvre, obviously.’
‘Of course it was.’
I looked at the ground before looking up at him. ‘What is it you’re very irritatingly not saying?’
‘It was my asking you not to touch her, wasn’t it? That’s what’s made her fatally irresistible.’
‘Stop it.’
‘Can you please not, just this once? You really don’t have to mount everything in sight, Nate. I just don’t think we should rattle her cage. Apart from anything else, it’d be like fucking a coat hanger.’
‘I said stop it – wind your fat neck in!’ I exploded. Hamish looked astonished.
‘Sorry!’ I said. ‘I didn’t mean to snap, Ham. You’re right, I’m on edge about the op this afternoon. I feel out of my depth and it’s getting to me a bit. I’ll be all right once it’s done, but this is really nothing to do with you – or Julia, who for the record, doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Right.’ I patted my pockets. ‘I need to go.’
‘Don’t forget your coffee.’
I spun around at the sound of her voice and there she was, standing in the doorway, holding out a takeaway cup. For a horrible moment I thought she might have heard me, but rather she lifted the drink a little higher. ‘You especially asked for a cappuccino, remember?’ She gave me a flicker of her eyebrows, reminding me of our secret exchange in the corridor.
I hadn’t offended her. I immediately wished I hadn’t told Hamish about her husband and kept her confidence as I’d promised. I’d already let her down. ‘That’s very kind of you, thanks, Julia!’ I deliberately avoided Hamish’s eye as I walked forward and took the coffee. ‘Have a good day.’
‘You too.’ She stood to one side like we were at the front door of our house and she’d just handed me my briefcase. As I passed, I caught an intoxicating waft of clean clothes, more Pears, and coconut shampoo. I managed to wait until I’d turned the corner at the end of the corridor before I moaned aloud.
