But the point of the book was not to analyze history. It was to understand the experience of religion. And the point of Eger’s story was hope. Can a person maintain hope, a positive outlook and an optimistic attitude even in the face of terror? Do negative experiences shape our faith in God?
Emily couldn’t stop thinking about the day Andy died. The day she looked around his room and had to accept that he would never come back. That a sixteen-year-old boy had just had his life taken from him before he lived it. She had decided then that she didn’t want to believe in God.
The Experience of Religion made her realize that trying her hardest not to believe in God wouldn’t bring Andy back. Her lack of faith wouldn’t be punishing God for making some wrong decision in taking a child from this Earth. The only person punished would be herself. Because without God, Andy was just gone. No pearly gates. No clouds to dance upon.
Passing a term amongst Harlow students, Emily now knew that no one had the ability to prove the existence or God. They also couldn’t prove the opposite. The group of twelve had certainly tried a number of times during the class. If one had succeeded after all, it would have meant an A for sure. Not a single student managed, but Miss Addison seemed to enjoy letting them all try. She would sit back, cross her arms and let it go on until the bell rang.
The clock ticked and the long hand reached the twelve in the last block of Emily’s first term. Class was over. Miss Addison pushed her heavy, black-rimmed glasses up the bridge of her nose and ran her hands through her short pixie style hair.
“All right everyone, I have to say, I have enjoyed so very much hearing about your feelings, thoughts and postulations. This is my absolute favourite class to teach here at Harlow and I hope you’ve all gotten something out of it the way I have.
I want you to all keep Eger’s story at the front of mind as you navigate your four years here. It will not always be an easy place to be. You will have highs and lows. But I hope you always allow yourself to know that nothing is permanent. Like Eger says- even in hell, hope can flower. Ok… so… enjoy your holidays and refresh yourselves. Class dismissed.”
Emily gathered her things and walked into the main hall to exit the front of the building and head back to Graves for her final bits of packing.
The main foyer of the Academy building was extraordinarily ornate. Just inside the double doors was a gigantic two story open hall. On her left, Emily saw the double, marble staircases leading up to the grand Assembly Hall where they had assembly once a week.
She still remembered climbing those stairs for the first time. Her thin ballet flat soles could feel the smoothness of the marble and she kept her feet following the worn down path of the thousands of students who had climbed them before her.
She smiled to herself wondering if one day, a different girl would think the same thing, only Emily herself would be among the history.
Emily looked to the right, where the double doors would lead her outside. But she stopped for a moment, struck by the Harlow emblem above the door.
It was a traditional New England scene. Enclosed in a crimson oval, one could make out a beehive, pine trees and a sun setting with its epic looking rays reaching for the sky. There was small writing within the sun, and a bigger banner running along the bottom curve of the oval.
The banner read:
Finis Origine Pendet
Emily knew from her orientation time at Gateway it meant, “The Beginning Defines the End.”
She remembered this part of the tour as it raised so many internal questions at the time.
Her tour guide, the one from the health center, a short, balding man in chinos, checked shirt and tie told them, “One of our Harlow mottos can be explained as such. The end does in fact rely on the beginning to a great extent. Parents, schools, and indeed all who concern themselves with the formation of the young know the importance of a good beginning. The path of an arrow, its precise trajectory, velocity, and force can be determined by examining its beginning movement, so too, human life seems to have a trajectory that can almost be wholly predicted by what happens in the beginning.”
He spoke with such precision Emily thought he must have told that story a thousand times.
The vision of an arrow and the comment on “trajectory” was just where she had been. She thought Harlow would set her on a new trajectory. It would give her a new path and send her whizzing into the universe with power, force and with the ability to name drop.
But standing there now, looking at the emblem, thinking about her term… her experience with Pierce, her ability to finally talk about Andy and work that out… she couldn’t help but think Mr. Harlow got it all wrong more than two hundred some years ago.
Because for her, and in her experience, Emily now thought very much the opposite. The end of an era where her big brother looked after her was actually beginning of a new, stronger Emily. Surviving losing her virginity to a lying, uncaring guy was the beginning of a new sense of self. One where she could now see that “being yourself” was the only thing you ever could be.
“Emily!” Called a voice from behind her.
She knew that voice anywhere. She turned around and saw Xander running toward her.
“I was hoping to catch you before you took off to the airport,” he said, catching his breath.
“Why didn’t you just text me? I could have met you at the dorms before the vans leave for Logan. Saved you the trouble of running around in the cold?”
“Well, we kinda already said goodbye this morning after breakfast and I wasn’t really sure if I needed to see you again or not,” he said, breath now under control.
Emily scrunched her face.
“What do you mean?”
Xander pulled his backpack from its slung position on his shoulder and whisked it around front. Digging inside the front pocket, he pulled out a little box stamped with a Christmas pattern. It had a red bow around it.
Emily smiled. He had gotten her a present.
“For you…” he said, giving her the tiny parcel. “I needed my Mom’s help to source it and I was on the edge whether it would arrive. She brought it with her from my house. And put it in that adorable, girlie box. I’m not really good at that stuff…”
Emily admired the box.
“Dang Xander I put your present in P.O. You texted me you’d stop by there for sure as a last thing so I put it there…”
“Oh yeah, I’m headed there next,” he said.
Emily pretended to wipe sweat from her brow.
“So, you had your mom buy me a present?”
She teased.
“Well, sort of… not exactly. I wanted something really specific and asked her where I might find it. She just, yeah, maybe she did buy it for you… but it was TOTALLY my idea,” he said, appearing nervous.
Emily didn’t want him to be uncomfortable but his nerves somehow felt flattering.
“Well, that’s what counts. The thought, right? Should I wait til Christmas or do you want me to open it now?”
“Well, I didn’t hunt you down for nothing. Open it,” he said rubbing his hands together.
She opened the box to reveal a silver chain with a charm on it. A perfectly swirled question mark. She pulled it delicately from the box and held it up between them.
“Wow this is so amazing, Xander. I really love it,” she said, thrilled by the beautiful gift.
He felt the need to explain what suddenly felt like a huge and elaborate gift for “just” a friend.
“It just seemed like a good memory for our… your… I mean… it kind of represents Conundrum and I dunno… stuff…” he trailed off awkwardly.
“Stuff?” Emily replied with a smirk and a raised brow, “Nice SAT vocab.”
He chuckled appreciatively. Jokes always broke jitters.
“Well, I love it,” she said, staring at it, her face glowing with gratitude, “It’s really unique and I’ve never seen one like it so… anyway, I’ll wear it all the time. Thank you.”
>
His face was a mixture of relief and happiness.
“Here’s a card, too,” he said, handing her a green envelope, “But, I’ve gotta run. Both of my parents are waiting so… see ya, Em.”
He opened his arms wide, and the pair hugged. Then, he rushed off as quickly as he came. Emily didn’t take her eyes off him until the past speck of his floppy hair disappeared down the side exit staircase.
She opened the card right away. Too filled with gushing joy at her gift she wasn’t ready to let the frost outside chill her heart.
Em-
Merry Christmas!!
I hope this question mark reminds you that not everything in life has to be solved (even though we are constantly trying to do that at Conundrum!). Mysteries make life interesting.
Have fun back home and get lots of sleep. And maybe text me once in a while. I’ll miss you!
XO, Xander
Without even thinking, she held the card to her chest and sighed. She closed her eyes and she could practically see four leaf clovers skipping around her head. Xander was good to her. She was a lucky girl.
Suddenly, she felt silly at the gesture and peered around to see if anyone was looking at her. Silent and empty, the halls whispered nothing back to her. No judgement. No snickering. They accepted her carefree happiness because there was space for it to dance around in this liberating world she now called home.
She hadn’t even gotten back to Minnesota and yet she couldn’t wait to come back to this new life. Harlow was not the easy road to the glamorous escape she thought it would be. Even so, special things happened here.
She looked down again at the necklace Xander had given her and her lips curled upward. Turning her head back up toward the emblem, she considered her school’s Latin motto once more. She decided once and for all that Mr. Harlow definitely got that wrong. The beginning doesn’t define the end. It’s the end that defines the beginning.
Emily put Xander’s gift in her backpack and pushed hard on the huge double doors. Outside, tiny snowflakes fell from the sky. They landed in her hair, sprinkling her with refreshing winter energy.
Buzz. Buzz.
Grabbing her cell from her back pocket, she opened the message, flakes turning to droplets on her mobile.
Hi Emily- It is Randy. Have a Merry Christmas. When you get back, I think I have a story for Conundrum.
The End Defines the Beginning : A Boarding School Coming of Age (Harlow Academy Series Book 1) Page 21
