I snorted.
“Okay, fine. I need to see my grandson!”
“He’ll be here when you come. There’s no point in rushing when you’re still needed at home.”
She huffed. “I swear your sister did this on purpose.”
“I’m pretty sure Lizzy didn’t fall off the top of a formation on purpose mom. You said her back base dropped her.”
“She did. I know it was an accident, but Lizzy knows better. She knows how to recover from a fall without getting hurt.”
“Cheerleading is dangerous.”
“Yeah, I just think she’s jealous we told her she can’t come see you until Thanksgiving break so she’s making it so I can’t leave.”
My little sister was a drama queen, but I seriously doubted she willfully sabotaged my mother’s trip. “Really? Then why did she call me crying because she couldn’t figure out how to make a cast look cute with her homecoming dress?”
Mom sighed. “Okay. Maybe it wasn’t her fault, but I’m pretty sure the universe is against me.”
Huh. How many times had I thought that lately? How many times had Olli grumbled that under his breath?
“It feels that way sometimes.” I stared down at my sleeping baby and wondered if it was the universe’s fault or my own that I felt nothing but detachment when I turned to him. “Mom…”
My confidence waned quickly. I wanted to ask her if how I felt was normal. If she experienced the numbness, but I stopped myself. What if it wasn’t? What if there was something wrong with me? What if I needed help and my treatment required me leaving? Jackson needed me. I knew that in my bones. He was my son and he needed me to survive. I could provide that at the very least.
While I didn’t have that connection with him other moms raved about, I did feel an enormous sense of responsibility. He was mine to take care of.
“What is it, Emma?”
“Um…nothing. It can wait until you’re here.”
“Okay sweetie. Let me know how the appointment goes. I’ll see you next week.”
“I will. Love you.”
“I love you too.”
A week felt like forever. But Jackson was already five weeks. I’d survived this long. That gave me the strength to keep pushing forward.
Olli was gone, physical therapy probably, and none of the girls had come over this morning, so I was on my own for Jackson’s appointment. I could handle this. It was my first time going out on my own with him, but it was just to the doctor’s office and back. No big deal.
Right.
I watched Jackson sleep and checked the time on my phone. We had a half hour left before we needed to leave. That was enough time for a quick shower, and I might even get to brush my hair today.
I walked out of his nursery but turned back. Would he be okay? What if he choked? What if he rolled and was stuck on his stomach? What if he stopped breathing? I was frozen in the doorway. I’d grown too accustomed to having someone else here with me. Someone to watch him while I attempted to take care of myself.
It was tempting to call my mom and ask for her advice, but I didn’t want her to think I was clueless and get on the next plane here. I was an adult. I could figure this out.
I pulled up the internet on my phone and did a quick search. There were too many opinions out there for me to decide what the right thing to do was. I needed to shower. It had been at least two days, but Jackson needed to sleep. I closed my eyes and wished I had a clue what I was doing.
“Baby monitor.” The thought occurred to me like a flash of lightning. I checked on him one more time before rushing into my room. I grabbed the monitor with a live feed of him sleeping off my nightstand. I set it on the counter just outside the shower and nodded. This would work. I’d check on him every thirty seconds.
With a plan in place, I started the water and undressed. My shower lasted less than five minutes, but I checked the monitor at least twenty times. He was still sound asleep just as I’d left him, and I was fresh and clean. This was my first real mom win. A tiny success, but it felt monumental.
I dressed and started combing through my hair when I heard a tiny cry. I checked the monitor to see Jackson starting to squirm. I sighed and pulled my hair up in another messy bun. So much for looking human today.
I went to his nursery and picked him up. I had barely enough time to feed him before we needed to leave so I settled into the glider and hoped we wouldn’t be late.
We arrived with exactly one minute to spare.
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Letang.” The receptionist greeted me. Her hair and makeup were impeccable, much like the office, she was perfectly put together. It didn’t help me feel any better about my own appearance.
“Hi.” I forced a smile and signed in before sitting down in the nearly empty waiting room.
Getting here wasn’t as bad as I was expecting until Jackson started howling a few blocks shy of the office. I kept driving as there wasn’t anything else I could think to do. But now his face was red and little crocodile tears were gathered in his eyelashes. He calmed down the moment I parked, which was a blessing, but I still felt awful he’d been so upset, and I didn't know what to do for him.
I dried off his tears and rocked the car seat hoping he wouldn’t fall asleep before the doctor saw him. I hated waking him up almost as much as he didn’t like being woken up. That was one thing he definitely got from me. We both woke up like monsters.
“Mrs. Letang?”
I peered up and nodded at the waiting nurse. I picked up Jackson and followed her back to a small exam room. Its baby blue walls were accented with hot air balloon wallpaper along the ceiling.
“How’s baby Jackson doing?” She asked as she lifted him from the car seat and began looking him over and taking his vitals.
“Good.”
She nodded. “Anything unusual?”
I didn’t know how to answer that. He was my only baby, so I had nothing to compare him to. “I don’t think so.”
She smiled. “You’d know.”
She said it with confidence, but she couldn’t be more wrong. I was clueless. More often than not, the girls could figure out what his cry was for before I could. I’d be warming a bottle while they immediately went to change his diaper. How were they all better mothers than me?
She finished the routine check-up and handed Jackson back to me. “Dr. Cobalt will be in shortly.”
I nodded and watched her leave. He was still awake which was good, but he was starting to get fussy. I bounced him on my knees hoping that would soothe him, but he just got worse.
Where was Kendall or Chloe when I needed them? They were the baby whisperers.
I turned him toward me and tried to get the football hold right, but he started screaming. I was starting to get flustered and a bit frustrated when there was a small knock and Dr. Cobalt walked in. He was a nice older man, a grandpa type which was why I picked him to be our pediatrician. Sophia, from the Pride, recommended him and I felt comfortable around him the first time I met him, before Jackson was born. Plus, he had more years of experience with babies than I did at being alive.
“Hello again, Emma.” He took in my current, frazzled state and swept Jackson up in his arms. A few magical bounces and the crying stopped completely.
Part of me wanted to bang my head against the wall and the other wanted to hold Dr. Cobalt hostage until he revealed his methods.
“There you go,” the doctor said, “just a little gas to move around.”
My lips parted. “How did you know?”
He smiled down at me. “His belly looked a little bloated.”
I stared at him. “You haven’t seen him since his one-week appointment. How could you know that?”
He sat across from me, still holding Jackson who was gazing at him with a peaceful expression. “When you’ve been around newborns as long as I have you can just tell. Call it intuition.”
I’d grown to hate that word. Simply because I lacked it. I had no natural abilities
when it came to my son.
“Can I take you home with me?” I asked.
He laughed. “If only you knew how many times a week I hear that.” He shook his head. “You’re doing just fine. It takes time and plenty of trial and error to learn to speak baby. You’ll get there.”
I highly doubted that.
“How is Jackson sleeping?”
I cleared my throat, giving myself a moment to catch up to the sudden topic change. “Good?”
“Sleeping four hours at a time at night?”
I tried to think, counting in my head. “Yeah, three to four hours.”
“Good.” He stood and lay Jackson on the exam bed. “He’s growing on track with what we like to see, especially with him being a few weeks early. Good weight too.”
I nodded, grateful there wasn’t anything glaringly wrong with him.
He lifted him up, cradling Jackson to his chest. “How about you, Mom? How are you feeling?”
This was my chance. If there was anyone I could talk to and ask, it was my baby’s doctor, right?
“I’ve been a little off.”
He smiled. “Oh, that’s very normal. Especially with your first.”
He wasn’t worried? He didn’t think it was crazy? I relaxed a bit.
“So, I’m not crazy?”
He laughed. “Oh no, you’re not. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
I leaned back and nodded. This was exactly what I needed to hear.
“It’s not uncommon to feel tired, or hard to concentrate. Plenty of new moms feel that way. They walk into a room and forget why they’re there.”
I swallowed and nodded. “Right.” That wasn’t at all what I meant. Of course, I was tired, but he was describing sleep deprivation. “I just feel like I’m not doing anything right.”
I sighed. There were so many things I wanted to say. That I needed to tell someone, but now that the time was here and I had my chance, I couldn’t find the words.
“You’re a new mom, Emma. This is your first time experiencing these things and caring for your own baby. Even with little siblings or tons of babysitting, there’s nothing to prepare you for this. It’s normal to be overwhelmed or feel like you’re clueless.”
I tried to smile but couldn’t find the will. He wasn’t getting it. I needed to tell him. I had to get this off my chest.
“It just doesn’t feel right.” I paused, trying to articulate what I meant.
“Emma, like I said, this is the first time you’re going through anything like this. It’s not uncommon to feel off or out of sorts.”
“It’s okay to feel sad?”
He sat back and nodded slowly. “Yes, many women feel baby blues for a while.” He seemed to be searching my face. This was it. He finally understood and there was a word for it. I wasn’t alone.
“Your hormones have been on a rollercoaster for almost a year. You’re bound to feel new or heightened emotions. For many, that means feeling sad or low for the first few weeks or months.”
I nodded. Baby blues. That sounded so innocent. Nothing major. “Is there anything I can I do?”
“Of course, I’d recommend walks outside. Try to get alone time, without the baby when you can. Do you have a strong support system?”
“Yes, my friends have been taking turns coming over.”
“And your husband?”
I tucked my hair behind my ear. “He got injured and so he’s recovering from surgery. He’s going through physical therapy now, so he hasn’t been able to help as much with Jackson.”
Dr. Cobalt nodded. “But you have your friends. Any family?”
“Not close. My mom is coming next week.”
“That will be good for you. I’m sure by then you’ll be feeling better.”
I let out a breath I felt like I’d been holding since the day Jackson was born. “That’s great to hear. Thank you.”
He smiled and stood, offering my son back to me. I took Jackson and put him in his car seat. He’d fallen asleep during our conversation and I prayed he would stay asleep until we got home.
“Call me if anything changes, but you’re doing a great job.”
I nearly started crying right then. I had no idea how much I’d craved someone saying that. “Thank you.”
“Have a good day, Emma.”
I walked out of the office feeling better than I had in over a month. Nothing was really fixed or changed, but I had hope things would get better. Just a little bit of baby blues. It was completely normal. I got Jackson situated then got behind the wheel. Things were going to be okay.
10
Olli
Walking into the locker room and seeing a new face is always a bit startling no matter how often it happens. Since the season just started I knew there would likely be a few trades through the league, but I hadn’t heard we had one. Guess that’s what happens when you’re on the injured list.
“Olli, hey.” Hartman clapped me on the back.
“What’s going on?” I scanned the room for the missing face but since not everyone was in the room there was no way to know.
“Jamie Olleski was traded yesterday for Nikolay Kozlov from the Kansas City Scouts.”
I eyed the new guy. His name sounded only vaguely familiar. “Is he any good?”
Hartman shrugged. “He’s only been in the NHL since last season. He was in Russia before that.”
I smirked. We haven’t had a Russian on the team in a few years, but they were pretty entertaining, especially when you got them mad. Hopefully, Nikolay would be too.
One of the younger guys, Tyler, was introducing Nikolay to the rest of the team. When he got to Derek, my replacement, I watched and waited.
“Nikolay, this is Derek Aston. He’s our goalie.”
If I could have run, I would have and punched him square in the face.
Derek, the cocky idiot he was, just smiled. “Nice to meet you, man.”
Nikolay nodded.
They continued around the room, finally getting to me. “Olli, this is Nikolay, he’s on defense.” He turned to the new guy. “This is Olli, he was our goalie, but he’s injured right now.”
I glared at Tyler hoping he felt the pain I was trying to inflict upon him with my mind. “I’m still goalie, Tyler. Or do you instantly lose your position if you’re not on the ice?”
Hartman cleared his throat next to me while Tyler opened and closed his mouth.
“Cause if that were the case,” I said, “you’d be the water boy.”
Nikolay turned from me to Tyler. Laughing, he jabbed a finger on Tyler’s chest. “You the water boy?”
I started laughing too as Tyler’s face reddened. I glared at him once more before turning and hobbling over to the training room.
I might have laughed but there was nothing funny about being replaced. I’d been on the team since Tyler was in high school. I shouldn’t let the dumb kid’s words get to me, but it was my breaking point for the day.
Jackson wasn’t sleeping and I knew Emma needed my help, but the stairs were still off limits for me. I wanted to be there for both of them, but I was failing. Each time he cried out, it felt like a punch to the gut. A reminder of how I was failing him and Emma. I’d tried to convince her to use the portable crib, and move them both downstairs, but she’d told me he slept better in his room. She was already working on a sleep schedule with him, and worried a change in his environment would undo any progress.
Losing sleep and living with the burden of letting my family down was more than enough for me to lose it, then on top of that there was the pressures of the team. Knowing I was letting the guys down made life unbearable. Each game that passed with Derek Aston in the net instead of me killed me just a little bit more.
Coming in to news of a trade, being completely out of the loop, wasn’t something I was used to, and it wasn’t something I wanted to ever get used to. It stung.
I hated feeling like I was this easily replaced.
Madi walked into the trai
ning room looking as cheerful as always. “Hi Olli, how are you doing today?”
I tried not to glare but fell short.
“Yikes,” she said, “what’s wrong?”
I let out a sigh and sat on a bench. “What isn’t wrong?”
She dropped her bag and put her hands on her hips. “Geez, I wish you had warned me today was going to be a woe is me day. I would have come prepared with chocolate or ice cream.”
I glared at her which made her smile.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
“Emma’s exhausted and I can’t help. Jackson is crying more and more than ever. I thought he was supposed to get better as he got older, but it’s getting worse. I know it’s wearing Emma down, but she’s just barely getting through it.” I shook my head. “All without me.”
She sat across from me and leaned forward. “We’re all here to help, Olli. If you guys need more help you just need to ask.”
“I can’t ask any of you to spend the night and lose sleep with us. You all have your own lives.”
She sighed. “You’d be surprised what we’d be willing to do for you guys. I know we’ve each tried talking to Emma to see what else we can do to help, but she tells us she’s fine. We can’t help if we don’t know.”
I studied her face, trying to figure out if she was being honest or just saying these things to be nice. I closed my eyes and groaned inwardly. Madi had never been one to say things she didn’t mean. I knew her offer was valid.
I opened my eyes. “Thanks, but I’ll have to convince Emma it’s okay to ask. I know she feels like she’s a burden to you guys, so getting her to admit to needing more help will be a stretch.”
Madi nodded. “We have to respect her wishes. She’s a new mom figuring things out. I’m sure she wants to be able to do things on her own. She probably expects herself to, but it’s not required. That’s what family is for.”
I smiled but stopped when I remembered the locker room. “Some of the family is already forgetting about us.”
Her eyebrows pulled together. “What?”
“Tyler introduced the new guy, Nikolay, to the team. He told him Derek is the goalie.”
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