“I’m cracking, Chloe,” I admitted.
I felt movement and peeked open one eye to see her lying next to me, watching me.
“I’m her for you, Emma. We all are,” she said.
I closed my eyes and nodded. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I wanted to tell her how I was failing Jackson. How it didn’t feel like everyone said it would. How he didn’t feel like mine.
Shame kept me from opening my mouth.
One crisis at a time, and right now Olli came first. I’d get my turn later when the rest of my family was safe.
I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, too quick to be Olli. I sat up and Chloe did too.
“Hey.” Reese’s shoulders fell in defeat as he walked into the room and sat on the sofa near the window.
“Did he talk to you?” Chloe asked what I was also wondering.
“He’s had a rough few weeks and today it was one thing after another. I’m not condoning what he did, I’m just trying to understand him.” His eyes met mine briefly before turning away. “He’s not used to missing out on the action. He hates being benched and I understand. Then today one of the guys introduced Derek to the new trade as the goalie. I mean, he was technically correct, but it was a blow to Olli. Then he was told they’re pulling up a goalie from the farm team. I think it just set in finally. He’s going to be out for the full season, and it became real today. The thing that broke him was losing Legendary though. I mean, that’s millions he’s missing out on. That’s millions you’re missing out on too, Emma. He’s panicking about providing for you and Jackson.”
I fought the burning desire to roll my eyes. “That’s crap, Reese. He doesn’t stop getting a paycheck because he’s injured. We’re fine. More than fine. We have savings and investments. Money can’t be the problem.”
Reese nodded. “I think it’s probably more his ego than anything. Saying it’s about providing for his family makes it seem noble, but you’re right. It’s a lame excuse. There is no excuse for him losing it today.”
“He scared me,” I blurted out.
“I know and he knows that. He‘s aware it can’t happen again. He needs to get his emotions under control.”
I nodded. “How’s he planning on doing that?”
I felt like I was in middle school again. Asking the friend questions about my crush because I was too afraid to talk to him directly. I wanted to go down and talk to him, but I didn't think I'd be able to without losing my mind. Not yet.
“He agreed to continue working with Madi,” Reese said, “and I made him promise to treat her better or we’re finding someone new.”
I sighed. I didn’t know Madi was getting a piece of his anger too. I needed to call her and apologize.
“He’s considering talking to a counselor as well.”
I gaped at him. “Really?”
He nodded. “He didn’t commit but he said he’d think about it.”
That made me feel a little bit better.
“I also made him promise me something.”
“What?” Chloe asked before I could.
“If something like tonight happens again, he has to get help.” Chloe glanced at me and I knew she was thinking about what we’d talked about. He’d go to a treatment center.
“I’m not going to let this turn into something worse.” Reese said while shaking his head. “I’m not going to sit back and watch him spiral. You need him. Jackson needs him. The team needs him. I won’t let it happen.”
Reese stood and walked toward me. When he bent down and hugged me, I nearly burst into tears.
“Thank you,” I said as tears threatened to fall again.
“I’ll take care of this, Emma,” Reese said. “You just tell me when you need help.”
How many times was I going to hear that tonight? I needed to let them know. I blinked back the tears and nodded.
Chloe hugged me, too. “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling with all that’s happened recently, but we love both of you and we’re here for you.” She turned to Reese and grinned. “Will you grab my bag?”
He nodded and left the room. “Why do you need your purse?”
“Not my purse, my overnight bag. I’m staying here tonight.”
I froze. “Really?”
She smiled. “Of course.”
I threw my arms around her. Holding on like she was a literary lifeline in a stormy sea. “Thank you.”
She squeezed me back. “I could hear it in your voice. I knew you needed someone with you, even though you’ll never admit it.”
I stepped back. “I’m going to work on that.”
She nodded once. “Good.”
Reese came back into the house and set Chloe’s black bag on the ground. “You guys have a good night and let me know if you need anything. I’ll talk to Olli on my way out and let him know you’re both fine and going to relax tonight. It will give you both time to gather your thoughts and maybe tomorrow things won’t seem as bad.”
I smiled. “Thank you. For everything, Reese. You can get through to him in ways I can’t. I really appreciate you coming over.”
He came forward and gave me another hug before putting his arm around Chloe’s shoulders. “We’re family.”
He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. We are family, therefore he would take care of things. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe it before, but within the past few weeks I’d seen people prove it with their actions. Tonight was all I needed to finally accept it.
He kissed Chloe and then let himself out.
“Come on, Chica,” Chloe told me. “Get into your most comfortable pajamas and I’ll get the ice cream. We’re having a movie night.”
“In my bed?”
She nodded. “It’s just what you need.”
I didn't bother arguing about making a mess. I knew better. I felt guilty for a second about not going down to talk to Olli myself, but I wasn’t ready to. I didn’t really want to see him yet. Tonight would give us both time to cool off and not say or do anything while emotions were still high.
Was I a coward for letting Reese be my spokesman? Maybe, but being a coward with ice cream and my best friend didn’t sound too bad. Especially when that best friend was a baby whisperer. I might just be able to get more than four hours of sleep tonight.
“And in the morning, we can go over plans for the gala.” She turned to her bag, luckily missing me roll my eyes. I’d completely forgotten about that. The fundraiser she’d asked me to help her with.
It wasn’t like I could tell her no. After all she’d done for me lately, plus staying with me tonight. She was a saint. I couldn’t let her down when she only asked for one thing from me in return.
“Sounds good,” I lied. “Maybe if Jackson is in a good mood we could go out for breakfast and talk about it.”
She nodded. “Perfect.”
12
Olli
I promised myself, Emma and Erik that I could get things under control. Even though everything around me felt like it was crumbling, I had to hold myself together. I couldn't…wouldn’t...let it happen again.
The fear in Emma’s eyes haunted me the most. It was something I’d never seen before, and never wanted to see again.
I swung my legs over the side of the guest bed and gently stretched my knee, rubbing the exposed area.
I was still in denial about my injury, my marriage, my life. More than anything I was disappointed in myself. In failing Emma.
Our relationship had always been one of laughter and joy. When we’d met, I was a second-round draft pick. In over my head but floating on air. My college roommate was getting married the summer before my first NHL season. I was a groomsman and Emma was a bridesmaid. She knew the bride from high school. We never should have met, but fate brought us together.
I wouldn’t ever say it was love at first sight. The guys on the team would mock me forever, but that’s what it was. I saw her before the wedding and knew I had to talk to her. During the rec
eption, I found a chance to talk to her and asked her to dance.
After a few songs we ended up sitting alone at a table near the dance floor completely oblivious to the world around us. All that existed was me and her. Hours passed with us talking and laughing and getting to know everything about each other. By the end of the night, I had her number and a plan to fly out to see her the next week.
By the end of the summer, I started training with the Utah Fury and Emma moved to Salt Lake to be closer to me. The following March we were married.
Our relationship was a whirlwind and I loved every second of it. It was bliss. We rarely fought and never raised our voices at each other. Any disagreements ended up in compromise and understanding. I was proud of what we had. I wanted to be an example of a good husband to the rest of the guys. I wanted our marriage to be a standard of what they should reach for.
But now?
I was ashamed. Emma and I had never felt like strangers, until now. We were more like roommates than husband and wife. We lived in the same house, but rarely saw each other. I tried to be gone as much as possible, training and meeting with Coach and my agent to work on new deals.
I knew I should be at home helping with Jackson, but ever since the night of my injury one of the girls was over without fail. They coordinated a schedule so Emma always had help, even at night. When I was home, I felt like I got in the way. Unneeded. The only time I got with Jackson was before I left for physical therapy in the mornings.
I couldn’t feel bad about that though. I’d have as much time with him as I wanted if I asked. If I made any effort.
I slowly stood from the bed and pulled on a shirt before heading to the kitchen. I didn’t need the crutch anymore, but it was still a struggle getting upstairs and jumping or skating. Walking was about the only thing I could do with only minor pain.
“Good morning.” Emma sounded cautious. Her blonde hair, that I loved running my fingers through, was damp and the smell of her floral shampoo filled the room.
This was her new tone speaking to me. It broke my heart. I smiled and moved to give her a hug. When I put my arms around her, she tensed, just slightly. It was enough for me to notice. It would take time to repair the damage I’d caused, but I was willing to fight to get us there.
“Hey, Olli.” I flinched at Kendall speaking my name. I still wasn’t used to having people in the house at all hours.
I released Emma and turned to see Kendall smiling at me. “Hey.”
“What’s on your schedule today?” Emma asked.
“Just the same.” I limped across the kitchen to get a mug for coffee. I needed something in my system before dealing with the small talk. I reached up to the top shelf where my mugs were stashed.
“Let me get that for you.” Kendall took a step forward.
“I’ve got it.” I reached up and found one before turning to the coffee maker.
Something. Went. Wrong.
I twisted in a way that my knee didn’t like, and pain shot up and down my leg in an instant. I swore and grabbed my knee, dropping the mug on the counter.
“Olli, what’s wrong?” Emma hurried over, but I held up my hand to stop her.
“I just moved wrong.”
She stopped a few feet from me with a worried expression. “Okay. I’ll bring over a stool. Try not to move it anymore.”
I ignored her and tried to fully extend my knee. “Oh.”
This was bad. Something happened. Something bad.
“I’m here.” I knew she was trying to be helpful. I knew she was doing what she thought was helpful, but I just needed a minute to breathe.
“Sit down, Olli.” Kendall said is a soft tone.
I shook my head turned to face the counter, gripping the edge for balance as I tried to bend and straighten my leg. “Ah.”
“Olli, please.”
“Stop, Emma.” I bit out the words and knew I’d have to apologize later for my tone.
“I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” Her arm reached for me, but I picked up the mug and spun. It hit the wall and shattered into thousands of pieces.
Emma’s gasp is what pulled me out of the tunnel vision staring at the broken ceramic covering the floor. I turned around and heard Jackson screaming.
I’d missed him by a foot, maybe two.
I hadn’t looked at where I was throwing, and I wasn’t used to his bouncer being in the kitchen.
Emma’s eyes welled with tears. Her face reddened, and her lips pursed like she was holding everything back.
Kendall moved toward Jackson and picked him up. She rubbed his back and soon he was calm again. She shot me a filthy look, one that should have scorched me to ashes. “You need to figure this out, Olli.”
She hurried out of the room and I heard her footsteps up the stairs.
Emma hadn’t moved. She was watching me with such disappointment…and fear.
“Emma.” I reached out an arm, but she stepped back. “Emma, I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “No.”
No? What did she mean? “It was an accident.”
Tears started rolling down her cheeks. “No, that wasn’t an accident.”
I looked around, searching for an answer or explanation. I couldn’t help when those moments of rage hit. It was as if something took over in my body. Something I couldn’t control. I focused on the spot I’d hit. A crack. The remains of the mug on the floor.
I did this.
I’d almost hit our baby.
I’d lost control again. Even though I promised I wouldn’t. I let Emma down. I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath. I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t in a good frame of mine. I wasn’t me.
This couldn't happen again. Not here. I couldn’t guarantee that.
I had to leave.
It was the only solution. Emma and Jackson deserved better. I wouldn’t keep putting them in danger. I needed to work on myself, my emotions.
“I’m sorry Emma.”
I hobbled back to the guest room and started throwing clothes into my training bag. After I packed everything that I had stored down here, I headed to the bathroom.
I heard the bedroom door open and went to see who it was.
Hartman and Reese stood in front of the closed door with their arms crossed.
“What are you guys doing here?”
“Kendall called,” Hartman said.
I shouldn’t have been surprised. Of course, she told him what I’d done.
I turned and went back into the bathroom. I packed my toothbrush and shampoo and then Hartman appeared at the entrance. “What are you doing?”
I glanced at the duffle on the counter. “What does it look like?”
“Where are you going?”
I shrugged and picked up my conditioner and body wash.
“Have you thought more about the rehab option?” Reese had joined us in the bathroom that suddenly felt too small.
“No.”
He groaned. “Then where are you going?”
“Not here.” I threw everything in and zipped the bag closed.
“You’re deserting your wife?” Hartman accused.
“No.” I nearly growled. “I can’t control myself. If I stay here, I could hurt her or my son. I need to figure myself out. I need to get better.”
Reese nodded. “At least you realize you need help.”
“But you need a plan, Letang,” Hartman said. “I’m not going to let you walk out of here upset. I want you to stop and think things through.”
I pushed through both of them and paced the length of the room. “I don’t know where I’m going. I just know I’m not going to some rehab center. I can get the physical therapy I need with Madi. I’ll find someone to help with the other part.”
They shared a look.
“You can’t stay with me.” Reese announced. “Chloe made that clear.”
“Me either.”
I was a little taken back by that. I should have seen it coming through. They weren’t going
to make this easy on me. I’d crossed a line.
“I’m assuming the same goes for the rest of the team?”
Their silence was my answer.
“So that’s it? You guys are all turning your backsz on me?”
Hartman shrugged. “It’s more like the Pride has made a decision.”
Well. That made a lot more sense. The girls had chosen sides, and they chose Emma. As they should. I was honestly grateful they were supporting her so fiercely. She needed it.
But that meant half the team was shutting me out. I couldn’t go to Coach. He’d help me but he wouldn’t take me in, plus I didn’t need him to know how bad things had gotten.
That left me with only a few options. Some of the younger guys. The rookies.
I cringed.
I could get a hotel, obviously, but that would lead to questions. I knew the media would find out and go crazy with stories and theories, and I couldn't put Emma through all of that.
There was only one real option and I doubted he would be excited.
13
Emma
He didn’t say goodbye.
When the guys led him out, carrying a duffle and his training bag with them, he turned and gave me one sad smile before walking out the door.
I was beyond grateful Chloe was holding Jackson. The moment the door shut behind them I fell to the floor, clutching my chest.
The tears in my eyes had dried overnight. I had nothing left to give. I’d sobbed and grieved alone in my bed all night. Chloe slept in a pullout in Jackson’s room and told me to sleep. She fed him and changed his diapers throughout the night. I could hear each time they were up. I didn't sleep but I didn’t have the will to get out of bed. Another way I’d let my baby down.
Chloe sat down on the floor next to me. “He’s going to get better, Emma.”
I shook my head. “What if he doesn’t? What if this is it?”
She sighed. “I doubt it is, but if that’s what happens then we will get you through that.”
I doubted anything they could do would help me survive our break-up.
She reached over and rubbed my back. “Olli loves you so much. He adores you and Jackson. He’s probably embarrassed and ashamed right now. Don’t for one second think his actions are a reflection of you or his feelings for you. You have done nothing wrong. Things have been rough on both of you. There’s been so much change in such a short amount of time.” She paused. ”Right now, Olli is taking care of himself. I want you to do the same.”
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