“How considerate of you to leave her alone with your baby. Real nice of you.”
He walked off before I could respond, defend myself. What was his problem? I thought we were past this.
Chloe called out and asked everyone to gather for their assignments, so I joined the huddle around her.
“You vets know the routine. Emma and Lucy have your assignments. The new guys can meet me, and I’ll explain things.”
I hung back, letting the other guys go first so I could have a chance to talk to my wife. She hadn’t seemed to notice me yet, but she had to know I was there. I might not be playing in games, but I was still an active part of the team.
After the majority of the guys left to head up to the children’s wings, I took my opportunity and walked up to her. She seemed more relaxed than the last time I saw her. Her eyes were bright and she had her hair twisted up in a braid, something she did when she was feeling fancy. My eyes lingered on her face. I missed seeing her more than anything.
“Hey.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been nervous to talk to her. I held my breath waiting for her to respond.
She glanced up from the clipboard she held and froze. “Olli.”
I smiled, but she didn’t return it. “Lucy has your assignment.”
I didn't care about that at the moment. “Can we talk?”
She looked around, probably for a rescue team. My time was running out.
“I miss you, Emma.” I longed to reach out to her, but I didn’t want to push things.
Her eyes dropped to the ground.
“Is Jackson here?”
She shook her head. “Mom’s watching him.”
I nodded but was growing more and more frustrated. I took a deep breath and reminded myself I’d done this. I put myself in this position.
“Maybe you can come by after and see him?” she said softly.
I stared down at her and nodded. Her eyes only met mine for a split second. I felt like I’d just had a game winning save. A victory! My heart pounded in my chest, but I remained calm.
“Just text her when you’re on your way.” She turned and walked away as her words registered. She wasn’t planning on being there. She was extending an olive branch, just not the one I wanted.
I sighed. I’d take what I could get. A few moments with her was the best thing to happen to me in days.
Lucy walked up to me and handed me a small sheet of paper. I didn’t bother looking at it. I knew the routine by now.
“She’s going through a lot, Olli, ”Lucy said. “More than you may realize.”
I turned and met her steady gaze. “What do you mean?”
“It isn’t my place to say.” Of course not. “But you need to support her. I know you have a lot to work through and you’re facing your own challenge, but she needs you. Her mom and the rest of us are trying, but there are things only a husband can do. Burdens only you can lift.”
She patted my arm before walking away.
I hated that she was being cryptic, but I appreciated that she gave me any information. No one else was willing to do that. I knew Emma was tired and probably overwhelmed with everything, but Lucy made me think there was something more. Something I’d missed. I needed to find out.
I went through the motions of greeting the kids, taking pictures, and helping a few of the kids that were well enough to walk around try shooting against Derek. As much as I wanted them to be shooting at me, I knew my knee couldn't take it. Plus, the kids were having fun and that’s what mattered most.
I caught glimpses of Emma throughout the day, but I didn’t get another chance to talk to her. My best option was to go home. I knew she probably wouldn’t show up if she knew I was coming, but I needed to see my boy.
“You ready?” Grant stopped next to me. I nodded and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I texted my mother-in-law asking if it was okay to come by and followed him out to his car.
“Are you hungry?” Grant asked.
“Not really.” I was too nervous to eat. I stared down at my phone waiting for her reply. By the time we pulled out of the parking lot she had sent me a single word. Yes. It was all I needed. “Would you mind dropping me off at home?”
He glanced at me for a brief moment. “My home or yours?”
“Mine.”
He changed lanes and made a left toward the hills where I lived. “About time.”
He mumbled it loud enough for me to hear. Yeah, no kidding. I’d been acting like a coward for the past week. It was time to face my mistakes, no matter how bad it hurt.
I wiped my palms on my jeans when he pulled onto my street. I’d never been this nervous to go into my own house. I didn’t know what to expect. Did Janice hate me? She had every reason to. We’d always had a great relationship. She was more loving and motherly than my mom had ever been. But that was before.
“Call me if you need a ride.”
I nodded and opened the door. “Thanks man.”
I watched as Grant backed out of the driveway before walking to the front door. I stared at the handle. Should I let myself in or should I ring the bell? What if Jackson was sleeping? I didn’t want to wake him. I blew out a breath and tried the knob. The door opened so I took that as my sign.
I walked through the foyer to the living room where I heard the TV. Janice sat on the couch watching the local news. She turned and smiled. “Hi Olli.”
Well, she hadn’t thrown anything at me or cursed my name. That was a good sign.
“Hi.”
She stood and made her way to me, opening her arms and pulling me into a hug before I had the chance to register what was happening. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around her. After a few beats she stepped back and gazing up at me with a raised eyebrow.
“You have some explaining to do, son.”
I nodded and followed her back to the couch. I sat across from her and glanced around. I didn’t see Jackson in his portable crib, so I figured he was sleeping in his room. “Can I just I see him?”
“In a minute. You and I have some things to talk about.”
“I snapped, Janice.”
She didn’t move or speak a word. She wanted me to talk.
“The delivery was a nightmare. Literally, it still haunts my sleep. Emma was in so much pain. It was like nothing could go right, then after Jackson was born...” I paused, “I thought she was going to die. I thought I was going to lose her forever.”
Her gaze dropped to the ground, but she still didn’t say anything.
“Then we got home, and Jackson didn’t stop crying. He was up at all hours. We were both so exhausted.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “Then the injury happened. I was hurt, but I had no idea how bad it really was. I thought just a few weeks of physical therapy and I’d be back. It took about a week or so for them to tell me the gravity of it. Being told I was out for the season was devastating. It terrified me. Still does.” I sighed. “Then losing my number one endorsement. It was like one thing after another. I snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like one wrong move and everything would come crashing down. Every time I thought it couldn’t get worse, it did.”
Her eyes scanned my face before she sighed. “It’s not fair what you two have gone through. Especially in such a short period of time.”
I nodded, but she continued. “You two need each other. You’re both suffering.”
She was right. I knew I needed Emma. I’d realized that within hours of leaving. She was my universe. The one thing that truly mattered. I’d give up my career, the money and the fame, for her. I knew that, but I wasn’t acting like it. I wanted to come home but judging by how she reacted to me at the hospital, I knew it wasn’t an option. At least not yet.
“I’m not condemning you for leaving,” Janice said. “I know Emma’s not either. Things reached their boiling point and you made the decision to remove yourself from the situation.” She shot me a stern look. “I’m not particularly happy with the fact you wal
ked out on my daughter and grandson when they needed you, but I do understand you did what you thought was best in the moment.”
I was glad she understood without me having to explain my reasoning. “I didn’t want to, Janice. I love Emma more than anything in the world. I miss her and Jackson every second of every day. I could see myself going down a dark path though. I was losing control and the last thing I wanted was to hurt either of them.” I sighed and leaned back. “I thought leaving would make her happier.”
She watched me for a moment before breaking the silence. “I get it, but it wasn’t the right decision. If Emma had told you to leave, then sure go stay with a friend. But she didn’t. She needed you.”
I closed my eyes as the guilt set in. I never meant to abandon her or Jackson. I thought I was protecting them.
I gazed at her mournfully. “I don’t think she wants me back.”
“Not yet.”
I sighed. “I want to come home.”
She smiled a fraction of an inch. “Good. Tell her that. Ask her what you need to do to regain her trust. Ask what she needs from you.”
“Okay.”
Jackson’s cries sounded over the baby monitor and Janice stood but I jumped up and headed to the stairs. “I’ll get him.”
When I opened the door to the nursery and peeked into the crib my heart broke. I’d been gone for only a week, but he was already so much bigger. I picked him up and cradled him to my chest. “Hi little man.”
His cries quieted, but he was still fussy. I looked around for a hint of what to do. “Is it your diaper?”
I patted his bottom but couldn’t tell. “Let’s check.” I set him down on the changing pad and unswaddled his blankets and unsnapped his onesie.
“Oh boy.” I waved away the stench that greeted me as I opened the diaper. “You’ve been saving that for me, huh?”
Once he was changed and wrapped back up his tiny cries slowed. “Are you hungry now?”
I knew I should be able to judge this on my own by now. Emma probably understood what each cry meant.
I headed back downstairs with him tucked against my side. Janice was standing in the kitchen shaking a bottle.
“I had a feeling he’d want this,” she said.
“Thanks.” I took the bottle from her and held it up to Jackson’s lips. He immediately responded, chowing down like me after a game.
I smirked. “He’s got his dad’s appetite.”
She laughed. “Oh, you have no idea. I swear he eats as much as a one year old.”
Her comment stung. I didn't have an idea because I wasn’t around. Even before I left, I wasn’t much help. I’d let Emma and the Pride take care of him thinking I was too immobile to help.
Jackson guzzled the milk and I burped him successfully before sitting down and resting him on my lap. I could tell he was drowsy from his afternoon snack, but I wanted to watch him. I took in his blue eyes and tiny nose. Memorizing every detail of his perfect face.
I knew I’d have to leave soon, I didn't want to be here when Emma got home in case it upset her that I was here, but I didn't want to leave my son.
I deserved this. It was payment for walking out.
The garage door opened, and I twisted at the waist to see Emma walking in, alone. I was surprised none of the girls were with her, but I guess it made sense since her mother was here. They probably wanted to give them time alone.
She paused when she saw me but didn’t react. I stood with Jackson in my arms and smiled. I was going to follow her lead. If she seemed uncomfortable, I’d go.
“Hey.”
She glanced at her mom before meeting my eyes. “Hi.”
“Did everything go okay at the hospital?” I asked.
She nodded. “Chloe had everything planned to the minute detail. It went smoothly.”
“Of course. I expected that.”
Emma’s glance veered to our son.
“He’s been changed and fed,” I said. “I was just enjoying him while he was awake for once.”
A tiny smile tugged at her lips. “He’s been awake more lately.”
Just another thing I was missing.
Janice popped out of her seat. “I’ll go rock him.” She took Jackson out of my arms and hurried up the stairs. I appreciated her giving us a chance to talk alone.
I stepped toward Emma and when she didn’t move, I took that as approval. “I’m so sorry Emma.” I looked around the living room. “I made a mistake by leaving. I was being selfish. I really thought it was the best option. I thought it would make you happier.”
Her eyes narrowed a fraction of an inch. “You thought it would be better for me to be alone?”
I shook my head. “I knew you wouldn’t be alone.”
“The girls are amazing and have helped out so much, but Olli, they’re not Jackson’s dad. They’re not my husband. I needed you and you abandoned us.”
Her words stung, but she was right. “I know, Emma. I’m so sorry. I want to make things right. I want to come home.”
Her shoulders dropped. “No.”
“No?” How bad were things? I thought if I apologized and explained myself she would understand.
“You’ve got things you need to work on. Madi told me you’re improving with physical therapy, but that’s not enough. I need to see that you’ve changed. That you’re managing your stress and anger.”
I nodded. “I’m working with Dr. Elliot. Things have gotten better.”
“Good. Keep trying.”
She walked past me, dropping her purse on the kitchen counter. I realized then she wasn’t going to make this easy on me. I respected her decision and knew she was doing what she thought was best for Jackson. In the end it was up to her.
“Okay. I will.”
“Good,” she replied but kept her gaze averted.
“I’ll see you soon,” I said. “Maybe you can stop by after practice tomorrow? I’d love to show Jackson off to the team.”
“We’ll see.”
It wasn’t a no, so I was willing to take it. “Thanks.” I took slow steps toward her, letting her set the limit. I stopped when we were face to face. “I love you, Emma.”
I didn’t give her time to respond. I was too scared she wouldn’t say it back. I kissed her forehead and she peered up at me with vulnerable eyes before blinking and stepping back. I turned, letting myself out. That bit of contact felt like heaven. It was the closest I’d been to her and I savored it.
I didn’t want to pressure her. I knew I had to go at her pace, but I really hoped she would show tomorrow. It would be a step in the right direction.
17
Emma
“Remind me again why you’re not going?” Addison asked before taking a bite of her sandwich.
I rolled my eyes and poked my fork at the Caesar salad in front of me. I hadn’t had much of an appetite since Olli came over last night. It was too hard to see him acting normal and having to remind myself that he’d lost it. He’d put Jackson in danger. I wanted him to come home more than anything, but I knew he needed to finish treatment first. Whatever Dr. Elliot was telling him was working. I’d heard it from Coach, Madi, and even a few of the guys had called to tell me how much he’d improved. That was all reassuring, but I need to hear it from Dr. Elliot. She knew I was waiting for her all clear. When she thought he was ready, she would let me know. Until then I had to do the hard thing.
“It’s too hard to be around the team,” I said. “I’m sure they all know, so either I end up looking like a monster, he looks like a monster, or they ask me what’s going on. I don’t want to deal with any of that.”
Addison pursed her lips. “From what you’ve told me, these people are the closest thing to family you have. I think they’ll love and support you. They don’t think you are a monster. I’m sure they’ve given Olli crap, but that’s his fault.”
I shrugged. I’d told Addison all about the team dynamics and she’d met a few of the girls when she’d been over at the hous
e. I wasn’t expecting to talk at the support groups, let alone make a friend, but I was so grateful to have someone that knew exactly what I was going through.
She was a single mother, her fiancé left her when she told him she was pregnant, and she was the strongest woman I knew. She made me feel tougher too. Seeing her handle things with poise and resilience gave me the belief I could do the same.
Jackson was still asleep in his car seat and if I was lucky, he would stay that way until we were done with lunch. After I got him changed and fed, it would be the perfect time to take him to the arena. But was I ready for that?
Elijah, Addison’s five-month-old son, stirred in his car seat, but remained asleep as well. It was like they knew we needed the break.
“I’ll go only if you come with me.”
Addison blinked, then blinked again. “To practice?”
I nodded.
“Is that allowed?” she asked.
“With me, yes.”
“Will Kendall and Chloe be there?”
“Yeah, they should be. Unless Kendall has class.”
She thought about it for a moment. “Okay. I’ll go.”
It was silly, I knew everyone on the team, but it made me feel better knowing I’d be walking in with her. Someone that understood how hard it was to leave the house, let alone have people see you. She knew how hard it would be to see Olli again.
“Thank you.”
Once we finished eating, we loaded up into my car and headed over to the place I considered a second home. Addison was taking in the underground parking lot like it was behind the scenes of Disneyland.
“So, all the guys park here?” Addison asked, wide-eyed.
I nodded. “For the most part, yeah.” We walked across the parking lot to the elevator. Soon we were heading down to the locker room level. Practice should have ended by now, so hopefully the guys were already showered and dressed. I didn’t want to scar Addison for life.
She was studying the halls and photos with such interest. I almost asked her if she wanted a full tour, but I heard my name being called. I turned around to see Hartman hurrying toward me.
“Hey,” he said, “I didn’t know you were here. I didn’t see you at practice.” He wrapped his arm over my shoulder pulling me in for a side hug.
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