Grant spun to look at her. “Really?”
Oh no. I could see her getting emotional in the rear-view mirror.
Emma turned in her seat. “It’s going to be okay. It had to happen eventually.”
Addison laughed and sniffed. “Yeah, but I was thinking it would be the first day of kindergarten.”
Emma shook her head. “My mom raised three kids. She’s got everything under control.”
Addison nodded. “I know, I just miss him.”
She laughed but I could hear her voice crack.
I was about to offer her some words of comfort when I noticed Grant move. He slid a bit closer to her and his arm moved. “Thank you for doing this. I can’t imagine how hard this must be.”
I tapped Emma’s thigh and when she peeked at me, I whispered. “Are they holding hands?”
Her eyebrows shot up and she nonchalantly glanced over her shoulder. A second later she gave a tiny nod, biting her lips. I slowly lifted my hand to her side of the car. I interlaced my fingers with hers, feeling like I was getting away with something. When she didn’t pull away I could have screamed out in victory. I played it cool though.
When we got to the art center downtown, I pulled up to the valet and mentally prepared myself for what was coming. Reporters lined the red carpet and I knew we’d have a lot of pretending to do. We’d managed to keep our private lives out of the tabloids. We were the old, boring couple but they’d go wild if they sensed something going on between me and Emma.
I turned to her and realized I wasn’t the only nervous one. “You ready?”
Her eyes were panicked.
“I’ll answer all the questions, okay?”
She nodded and stepped out of the car when the valet opened her door. I walked around the car with Grant where we met up with our dates. I took Emma’s hand and she squeezed it tight. Her eyes met mine and I saw fear. I longed to kiss her and tell her it would all be okay. I waited for her to step back, but she held onto me.
How was I supposed to handle being the reason she was so tense and anxious while also being her source of comfort. It was confusing and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
We walked along the carpet toward the entrance of the gala. I glanced at her and realized she was smiling and waving to the cameras. She was a pro. I followed her lead moving us forward without responding to the people calling my name.
We were almost halfway when I recognized the voice of a reporter from NHL Central. I couldn't ignore him, so I walked forward, careful to block Emma. “Hello Carl.”
“Olli Letang, how are you healing?”
I smiled. “Things are going pretty well, I’m down to just a brace which is great.”
“When will we see you back on the ice?”
I knew everything I said would be blasted across the internet, so I had to choose my words carefully. I didn’t want to give too much information.
“When Coach clears me.”
Carl laughed and I joined in. He knew what I was doing and was respectful enough not to push things.
“How do you feel about Derek Aston’s performance?”
I pretended to consider his question. “He’s doing a great job. We’ve played some tough teams and he’s held his own.”
Carl thanked me, freeing me from a painful interview. Emma stood at my side the whole time, letting me squeeze her hand for support. We made it a few more feet before someone called Emma’s name. I turned to see someone from the local news station. They took a special interest in the wives and often did lifestyle pieces about them. Emma smiled and waved at the reporter who approached us.
“How’s life as a mother?”
Emma sighed, just enough for me to notice and stepped toward the reporter.
“It’s been a beautiful challenge.” She said it with a light tone and the reporter laughed in camaraderie.
“How are you managing balancing a newborn, the charities you support, and cheering on the team?”
Emma’s smile never faltered. “I have a lot of support. The Pride has been amazing. I’m so grateful for the team. They’re family.”
The reporter tipped forward. “What’s the most challenging part of being a new mom?”
I almost interrupted, ready to make an excuse and run, but Emma stood tall. “It’s been hard. Much harder than I expected. From labor and the birth to losing sleep and trying to find my new normal. It’s been challenging.”
The reporter eyed her dress. “But you look so great. What’s your secret?”
Emma chuckled. “Lots of support, and a really great makeup artist.”
They both snickered and Emma stepped back, thanking her for her time as if it was a sacrifice for the woman to do her job. Emma was always so gracious with the media.
I pulled her close and kissed her cheek. Love and admiration filled me. She’d been so much stronger than I would have been. “You were perfect.”
She smiled and continued walking toward the doors. I knew she was just as desperate to get inside as I was.
“Letang! Letang!”
I sighed but kept my smile in place. I stared at the wall of flashing lights to try to find who was calling my name. A man pushed his way to the front and stuck a tape recorder out toward me. “Letang, is it true you’ve been kicked out of your house?”
Emma and I looked at each other. I could see the panic in her eyes though she didn’t let it show anywhere else. She remained poised and her smiled never wavered.
I laughed and she joined me. “Where did you hear that?” I blew off the question and hurried toward the entrance ignoring all other reporters.
Once we were safely inside and away from prying eyes, Emma pulled away. She dabbed her eyes, blinking quickly. I reached for her, but she stepped back. “Don’t.”
“Emma, what’s wrong?”
She shook her head. “I thought I could do this, but I’m so tired. I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of smiling and pretending I’m fine.”
I didn’t know what to do. The last guy had thrown me off, but I thought we’d handled it well enough.
“Look, I can have my publicist make sure that guy doesn’t run anything about us.”
Emma’s shoulders drooped. “You still don’t see it.” I stepped toward her, but she held up her hand. “No, Olli. I need space.”
I scanned the area, smiling at the people who were passing through. “What can I do?”
She frowned. “See me, Olli.”
I had no idea what she meant. I thought I did. I thought we were partners. What had I missed?
“I can’t do this. I’ll make a few rounds, but then I’m going home. I’ll get a ride so don’t worry about it.”
She turned to leave but I caught her. “Emma, please help me understand.”
She sighed like the weight of the world was on her shoulders, like the effort was draining. “I’m broken, Olli. I’ve been barely holding on. My mom and the girls have been amazing, but what I really needed was you. I needed to be able to lean on my husband, but you weren’t there for me. I’ve had to go through this darkness alone. I can’t keep up the act tonight. I thought I could, but I was wrong.”
“Emma, what can I do to fix this? What can I do to help?”
She shrugged. “I need my husband back.”
I shook my head. “I’ll move back in.”
She held up her hand. “No, you won’t. I said I want my husband. He hasn’t been here since the accident. When that man is healed and ready to be a father, and my partner, you can come back.”
Her words cut deep, but I didn't totally understand. “Emma…”
“Finish your treatment, Olli. Heal physically and mentally and then we’ll talk.”
I hated what she was saying, but I had to honor her wishes. “Okay.”
This time when she walked away, I let her. Watching her merge with the crowd.
“You okay, man?” Grant asked.
I turned to see Grant and Addison watching me with concerned expressions.
I shrugged. “I don’t really know. I don’t understand.” I turned to Addison hoping she could give me a clue.
She seemed to be sizing me up.
“I’ll do what she asked,” I said. “I’ll keep working with Madi and Dr. Elliot, but she said I don’t see her. How is that possible?”
Addison pursed her lips. I knew she had the answer.
“Addison, please?”
She sighed and glanced around. “Fine. Emma and I didn’t meet the way I said we did.”
I gazed at her intently. “How did you meet?”
“It was at the hospital. She was going for the first time and I could tell she was nervous, so I talked to her and told her how helpful it was. After that we kept in touch and met up before-”
“Before what?”
She glanced at Grant before meeting my eyes. “A support group.”
I narrowed my eyes. “A support group for what?”
“Women that are experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety.”
“Postpartum depression.” I’d read about that in Emma’s pregnancy books. I said the words aloud as things in my head fell into place. Her sadness, low energy. She told me she didn’t feel like Jackson was hers. I thought she just meant it didn’t feel real yet. She was trying to tell me. She didn’t feel the connection other mothers talked about. She said she felt like she was in a fog, and I thought she was just tired.”
I hadn’t seen her. I hadn’t seen her suffering.
It felt like someone had sucker punched me in the gut. My breath was gone, and I sank against the wall. I’d failed her. She was asking for help. Telling me what was wrong, but I didn’t pay attention. I didn't see how much she had changed.
“I’m so sorry.” I wasn’t only talking to Addison. I was saying it to Emma. “I’m sorry you’re going through that alone, too.”
Addison nodded. “Thanks. The group helps a lot, but meeting Emma changed everything. We clicked and I feel like we really understand each other.”
I understood. They were both experiencing the same thing. They understood each other in a way no one else could. Not the Pride, not even her mom.
“I’m really grateful you’ve been there for her. Especially since I haven’t been.”
She reached out and touched my arm. “She knows you’re going through your own struggles. I think she just misses you.”
I nodded. “I miss her too.”
“You’re so brave.” Grant said in an almost-whisper. He was staring at Addison with pure admiration. He’d been so quiet during her confession I didn’t know if he was paying attention, but he was.
She lowered her gaze to the ground. “I’m lucky I found the group. It saved me.”
I wanted to run and find Emma, but something told me that was the wrong thing to do. I needed to give her the space she’d asked for. I needed a plan. I needed to show her how much she meant to me. I’d do anything for her, and I’d prove it.
19
Emma
Things changed the night of the gala. I left after twenty minutes. I made a quick round through the room making sure I smiled and greeted people as I passed, then I went to the back exit and waited for my ride home.
In the week since, Olli came to the house every day. Mom usually stayed with him downstairs while I pretended to be busy in my room. Things could go back to normal the moment I said so, but it was going to take more than a few good days to make it right. He needed to make sacrifices, like the ones I had. I needed to know he was my partner in this. That he wouldn’t run the next time things got hard. Problems were bound to happen again. Marriage and raising children were anything but predictable and I needed him to be committed.
I was working on my laptop when his voice drifted up. I could hear bits of him telling Mom about his therapy.
“Madi said she thinks things are healing well, but she wants me to go in for another MRI next week. Just to be sure.”
He hadn’t told me that. Neither had Madi. Was she concerned something was wrong? Why else would he be going back in?
“Are you worried?” Mom asked.
I couldn't hear his response. This was something I should know about. I should have it written in my calendar. I should be with him when he gets the results.
He also should have been there when I went to the doctor and told him I wasn’t feeling like myself.
I talked to Mom about the resentment I was holding on to and she told me if we had any chance of making our relationship work, I had to let that go. I was pretty sure I was going through the grieving process incorrectly. I was just now in the anger phase. I’d gone through denial, a bit of bargaining, and depression. But now I was angry about what happened. It was like now that Jackson and my own health was stable and with more support, I was finally able to indulge in pain and fury.
As much as I wanted to sit and wallow in this, I knew it couldn’t go on much longer. It wasn’t healthy nor was it productive.
I ran through Mom’s pep talk in my mind. “You’ve got to let go of this to move on. You have to forgive him. You won’t be happy until you do.”
She was right. Olli was my world and my best friend. I’d forgiven the girls for not seeing the depression. I forgave my mom for not being here sooner. Why couldn’t I forgive Olli?
Because it hurt the most.
I closed my laptop and stared at the closed door. Olli wasn’t going to make the first move. I’d told him I needed space and he was respecting that. If I wanted something to happen then I needed to take the initiative.
It would be easier to sit here and stew, but that wasn’t what was best for Jackson. He was my priority and not having his dad around wasn’t what he deserved. I was lucky he had a dad. Addison was forced to do this on her own. I was doing it by choice, at least until I got the all clear from Olli’s doctors.
I took a steadying breath and stood. I walked toward the door but stopped when I heard footsteps on the stairs.
I froze with my hand out toward the handle. I watched as it turned and took a step back.
“Emma?” Olli said before stepping into the room. The door opened wide enough that we could see each other, and he paused. “Oh, hi.”
“Hi.” I said feeling a bit of nerves.
I was prepared to go downstairs and extend an olive branch. In front of my mom and Jackson. On my terms. Now I felt thrown off.
“Do you have a second?” he asked.
I looked around, feeling trapped, and finally nodded.
He moved to the bed and sat on the corner, facing me.
“I wanted to see how you’re doing.”
I moved back to my chair near the window and lowered myself onto it. “I’m okay.”
His eyes seemed to be searching for something. They moved up and down my body. “I know I failed you in the past, Emma. I know I need to pay more attention, and I’m working on that.” He sucked in a breath. “That’s why I’ve been giving you space. I could tell you needed it.”
My eyes met his and nodded once.
“But I need my wife. Emma, I need you. I know that you need to work through things on your own time and that I don’t deserve your forgiveness yet, but I need to know that there’s a chance.”
Was he asking me if I was considering making this permanent? Being separated forever? My heart split in two at the thought.
“No.”
His eyes widened with a flash of fear. “There’s not?”
I shook my head. “No, I mean there is. I don’t want this to be for forever. I don’t want to be alone.”
He stood up and sat in the chair across from me. I could tell he wanted to reach out for me, but he resisted.
“Really?”
I nodded. “I need to be absolutely sure this won’t happen again.”
He started to talk but I held up my hand to stop him. “I know you’re working on it. I know you’re seeing Dr. Elliot. That’s a start and I’m sure it’s helping.” I let out a sigh. “I don’t have the answer yet. I
don’t know how I’ll know it won’t happen again.”
He didn’t argue. He simply nodded. “What else?”
“Maybe we could spend time together.”
You would have thought I just told him the Fury won another championship with the way his eyes lit up.
“I’d love to. Maybe we can go out tonight?”
I thought about it, but I didn’t want to push things too fast. Plus, I didn’t have a babysitter. Mom was here but I couldn’t just assume she would watch Jackson.
“You’re thinking too hard,” he said. “We’ll go out tomorrow.”
I smiled, grateful he knew me so well. I tended to overthink things and he somehow knew when to push me and when to give me space.
He stood and leaned down, placing a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow, baby.” My heart lifted a little, but I reminded myself to be cautious.
I nodded and watched him leave. This was the right thing to do.
* * *
Mom had no problem watching Jackson. I knew she wouldn’t, but I was holding out hope I might have an excuse.
I was more nervous for this date than when Olli asked me out for the first time. Five years of marriage, a baby, and plenty of illnesses should have exposed us to everything about each other. There were no more surprises. At least, I didn’t think there were, but I’d been proven wrong by him recently.
I smoothed the front of my black dress over my stomach and sighed. I’d been walking and doing a bit of yoga, as much as my body could handle but the last ten baby pounds refused to leave. This was as good as it was going to get for tonight.
Voices floated up from downstairs. Olli was here. I fluffed my hair one more time before walking out of the room and down to the living room.
He looked up as my heels clicked down the stairs. His eyes drifted from my eyes down the length of my body and back up again. I could feel a blush warm my cheeks. “Wow.”
He was watching me the same way he did the night of the gala. I’d put in much less effort though. Maybe I looked that bad on a normal day. I hadn’t spent much time on my appearance lately, but maybe this was a sign I should. I almost laughed but smiled instead.
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