by Lory Lilian
The relationship between Caroline and Lady Cassandra gradually became quite different than it was earlier in their acquaintance, and though they could not be called close friends, Cassandra’s frequent visits and constant inquiries after the child’s health became a daily habit.
Lord Markham had called every single day after his son’s burial, asking about Caroline and his grandson’s health, but Caroline never agreed to see him. He also expressed his regrets—with painful honesty—as he declared he alone was culpable for everything that occurred regarding his sons. Cassandra refused even to speak to him directly, but the Darcys, the Bingleys and Colonel Fitzwilliam accepted his apologies with wisdom and generous understanding in consideration of all he had endured.
The earl presented Bingley with a settlement on Caroline and her son: a house in Town in a fashionable neighbourhood and a generous allowance to afford them a comfortable life even without any other support. To everyone’s shock, Caroline refused it instantly and declared she and her son would live with the Bingleys.
Mrs. Hurst censured her younger sister, insisting that she should be happy that her son would be the heir of Markham’s name and enormous fortune. After that, Caroline also refused to see her sister and held on to her refusal for more than a fortnight.
Lord Markham left a copy of the settlement with Bingley. Even more, he insisted that his grandson would be his heir, and he expressed his deepest hope and ardent wish that, sometime in the future, Lady Caroline Markham would be able to forgive him and allow him to see his grandson.
***
The end of October was a little cloudy but the weather was still fine. Elizabeth and Georgiana were enjoying a cup of tea and watching their companion. It was the first time Caroline had agreed to leave her room and join Elizabeth in the drawing room.
Her son was close to her on the settee, sleeping peacefully, as Caroline refused to go anywhere without him. Georgiana moved near to admire the infant’s pretty face and attempted to take the child in her arms for a moment, but to her shock, Caroline turned instantly and pulled her hands away from her son. A moment later, red-faced and deeply embarrassed by her unwarranted reaction, Caroline begged for forgiveness and encouraged Georgiana to hold the child as much as she wanted as the boy was always pleased to be cradled.
It took some time before the tension vanished from the room; Elizabeth started to talk about the weather and then continued to chat amiably about the Bingleys and Caroline’s return to her brother’s home, which was expected soon as the Bennets had left town the day before. Mr. Darcy was out on some business and was expected to return before dinner, as were Lady Cassandra and her husband. Georgiana was still holding the child as Caroline stood up to fill Elizabeth’s cup of tea once more, asking if she was comfortable enough on the couch.
“I am fine, thank you, Caroline. In fact, I am very well indeed except that I can barely move.” Elizabeth smiled.
A moment later her smile faded, and she let go of the cup. A sharp pain made her bend over, and a cry escaped her lips; she tried to rise from the chair, but she fell to her knees when another spasm came over her. Caroline held her while Georgiana, pale and frightened, still carrying little James, called for the servants.
Two hours later, Darcy returned home; he was hungry, tired and worried about Elizabeth as he had been out for the entire day. At least he was content that he had finished all his business and could stay home with Elizabeth for the next few weeks in anticipation of their child’s birth.
He had barely entered the house when he heard in the main hall far more voices than expected. He easily recognised the colonel, Cassandra, Bingley and—to his shock—his sister-in-law, Jane. Before he had time to wonder at such a sudden gathering, Bingley approached him nervously.
“Darcy, where on earth have you been? Your butler has been looking for you for at least an hour.”
Darcy frowned as the sudden understanding fell over him; he noticed the doctor drying his hands and moving slowly down the stairs toward him.
“Where is my wife? Where is Elizabeth?”
“Mrs. Darcy is well, sir—as well as can be expected in her condition.”
“You will excuse me; I need to see her this minute.” Darcy pushed Bingley away, running to the stairs.
“Sir, you should wait another moment; the midwife is with her, preparing Mrs. Darcy and your son to receive your visit,” the doctor said, obviously pleased with Darcy’s shocked expression.
For only a moment, Darcy remained stone still before disappearing up the stairs, not even noticing his friends calling to him.
That night Mr. Darcy refused to leave his wife’s apartment, though everyone—including Elizabeth—assured him there was no reason for worry. The servants retired but no further than Elizabeth’s dressing room to be near their mistress. The midwife could not hide her disapproval of such behaviour. Did no one ever sleep in their own rooms in this house? Finally, she abandoned any attempt to argue with the master and his disobedient staff, and found a place to sleep on a sofa nearby in case she should be needed.
Darcy moved an armchair close to Elizabeth’s bed and sat by her. She was more beautiful than ever—rather, she was beautiful in a different way than ever before—and he could not find the words to tell her everything that was in his heart. Her tender smile and her eyes sparkling with happiness proved to him that no words were needed—so he remained silent, smiling tearfully, wondering at the miracle brought to life by their love, while she finally fell asleep, her hand resting in his.
***
Four months later
The Darcys’ carriage drove along the white streets of a frozen London; inside the carriage it was also cold, and Elizabeth slid her frozen hands into her husband’s to warm them. To her surprise, his fingers did not entwine with hers as she was used to.
“Thank you for taking the time to come for me, William,” she said, a little disconcerted.
“There is no need to thank me. It is always a pleasure to accompany you; you know that. Besides, when I came home and learned you had just left to visit your sister, I saw no reason to remain inside alone. My only option was to come for you.”
“Forgive me for not being there when you arrived. It was on very short notice, and I was certain you would be out on business until later in the afternoon. Cassandra came by to take me, as we wanted to plan together with Jane the last details about Christmas dinner. As I had just nursed little Will, I took the opportunity and joined her. Are you displeased? Has anything happened?” she inquired, puzzled by his obviously low spirits.
“Of course I am not displeased. Why should I be? No, nothing happened. It is just that…you should have stayed home and rested. I am afraid you are tiring yourself too much. Things have not been easy for you the last months: first, all the duties you had to learn at Pemberley, then the blessed news of our child, Jane’s illness and then Caroline, the birth of our son ten weeks ago and your insistence on nursing him yourself. Now things are finally settling, everyone is well and safe, and our son is growing up wonderfully. You should use this time to rest more. Cassandra could have made plans with Jane first and shared them with you tomorrow.”
“Oh, do not worry for me, dear husband. I confess I am so tired sometimes that I fear I might fall asleep on my feet.” She laughed. “But I could not resist walking out of the house for a short time—especially as it snowed earlier; did you notice? You know I love snow.”
“Yes, I did notice it snowed.”
He was obviously upset, and Elizabeth could not understand the reason. Perhaps he received some distressing news and was unwilling to share it with her yet. She took his hand and continued, smiling.
“Jane was looking wonderful, do you not think so? And Caroline—I was so pleased to see her well recovered! Two beautiful, healthy boys in the Bingley’s house—Mr. Bingley has every reason to be thrilled. And he seemed quite pleased to see you, too.”
“I was pleased to see Jane again, and indeed I am content everyth
ing turned out quite well for Caroline’s situation. As for Charles—trust me, I meet him every day, so I doubt he missed my presence since I saw him just this morning. I dare say I see Charles more often than I see you.” His countenance turned grave as he ceased to conceal his poor disposition.
“I am not sure I understand you, William. We see each other every day, do we not?”
“We see each other every day indeed, but you are not looking at me any longer, Elizabeth—not the way you used to look at me.”
“You are upset with me, and I cannot determine the reason. What have I done to displease you?”
“Forgive me, Elizabeth, you have done nothing. I should not have mentioned it. It is just that…things are changing. That is what displeases me, and I do not know what to do to avoid that.”
“What is changing?”
“You are changing!”
“And pray tell me, what is this change that bothers you so much? Have I neglected some of my duties or—
“You have neglected nothing, my dear; in truth, you have succeeded wonderfully in everything you have done, Elizabeth, and your efforts are indeed praiseworthy. My tenants and their families cherish you, my aunt and uncle have come to love you, and the servants adore you. As for Georgiana, Cassandra or your own family, there is no need to mention them. Yes, everyone around you seems to benefit from your generous efforts. Everyone seems to have a fair share of your attention—everyone but me.”
“Everyone but you?” She startled and frowned, looking at him in disbelief.
“Or better said, I have become only one of your many duties, and that is not enough for me. You have time for everyone and everything, though until a few months ago you could not stay away more than a few hours without coming to see me, do you remember that? I did notice it snowed earlier. That is why I interrupted my meeting and hurried home to take you on a walk through the first snow in the Park. And you were out—visiting your sister.”
“William…”
“I know I am being selfish, but that is how I am. I am afraid it will never change. I do understand your care for your sister—and for my sister, and for our friends, and for the others around us—but truly, it is enough for me to know they are all well. I have no wish to speak of other’s troubles any longer, and I have become tired of company after the last months we spent in Town. I miss being alone with you. I miss your smiles directed only at me. I miss your teasing. I miss your sparkling eyes staring at me in front of the fireplace. I miss feeling you abandon yourself in my arms when we are alone. I miss seeing you blush and shiver when I touch you. I know it is not your fault, but — Is my presence no longer enough for you? What can I do to become as important to you as I once was? I know we have our son now; we are not only the two of us, but…”
Elizabeth watched him as she struggled to understand his words. From only a few inches away, the distress was so obvious on his face that she could not resist the urge to lean toward him and kiss his cheek. He did not turn to her but kept staring at a point in front of him, and Elizabeth could not decide whether she should be upset or amused by his stubbornness. She took off her glove and caressed his face.
“Dearest husband, how can you say that? How can you not know that my love is deeper and stronger than ever? I do love you and treasure you with all my heart, and no day passes without my thanking God for allowing me to be your wife. I miss being with you, too—I miss it so much! Today when I saw it was snowing, my first thought was of you—wondering whether you were in front of a window to see it—but I did not dare consider you would interrupt your business for this. Now that I know of the responsibilities that burden your shoulders and the people who rely on you, my small wishes and caprices seem so unimportant.
“Elizabeth, nothing is more important to me than your wishes. You should know that —”
She shook her head in disapproval.
“There are many other things more important than my wishes. Day by day, I understand how fortunate I have been, and I must do everything in my power to pay back my good fortune in some way. I have a marriage full of love and affection—the most wonderful, handsome and prosperous husband. I have a beautiful, healthy child. Even the birth of our son was easier for me than for other women. I have everything, and so many others have so little! I cannot allow myself to act only according to my own desires—if so, I would do nothing but abandon myself to your arms.” She paused a moment, watching him carefully, and then laughed softly.
“Well, perhaps I would evade your arms from time to time, only to check upon our son and to nurse him; I hope that would not bother you too much.”
“Do not laugh at me, Elizabeth. I do understand that our son is more important to you than I am; that is how it should be.” He sounded offended but Elizabeth replied gently while her fingers stroked his jaw line.
“I must laugh at you, dear husband, or else I would have to become very angry with you. How can you even ask whether your presence is enough for me? How can you not feel my love? I would like nothing more than to be alone with you—day-by-day and night-by-night as we were before—but with everything that has happened these last few months, that could not be. Indeed, we have had little privacy since we left Pemberley—but understandably so. There were so many things to do, so many others needing me and so many others needing you. And there were all the engagements we had to keep—though I confess some of them were as tiresome for me as they were for you. I am not complaining; I know how important my status is as your wife and as the mother of your heir. As Lady Fitzwilliam rightfully said—I cannot and I would not neglect complying with my duties, especially considering we have to prepare for Georgiana’s coming out ball next year. And—
He unexpectedly silenced her when his mouth captured her lips; she released a small cry of surprise and had no time to breathe under his possessive attack. His lips withdrew from hers only an inch so he could whisper, “I could not care less about all those things—so be so kind as to stop talking about social nonsense.”
“Well, I can hardly speak of anything right now,” she laughed and a moment later was silenced once more.
It was fortunate for Darcy’s good name that the carriage stopped in front of their house a couple of minutes later—before any permanent damage was done to their clothes and appearance.
When they entered the main door, Mrs. Darcy was still quite flushed, and the maid who helped take off her coat wondered whether the mistress was not—heaven forbid—a little feverish.
“It is time to nurse our son. I shall see you later.” Elizabeth smiled as they climbed the stairs.
“Very well.” He entered his room as he heard her loving voice asking the maid about little William.
Darcy remained there, staring at the door closed behind her, unable to move—or to think properly. What had just happened? How had she managed to dissipate all his worries and put an end to his torment in only a few minutes? Had he only been a fool all these months? Most likely so!
He threw himself into a chair and poured a glass of wine. Had he upset her with his unreasonable reproaches? It was true that she did not seem upset at the moment—but she was so right in her response! She had done everything she could to honour him and his name, and what was her reward: his careless words of reproach for not giving him enough of her time? Truly, does she have any time at all? With every moment of recollection, his heart raced increasingly until he became full of rage against himself.
The servant announced dinner was ready, and Darcy harshly dismissed him. After a lengthy period of agitated pacing around the room and muttering to himself, he finally regained some of his composure. Only then did he notice the hour and the servant waiting in silence in the doorway to help him prepare for dinner—and he finally decided what to do.
***
Elizabeth sank into the bathtub, lost in her thoughts.
She was tired, and her heart ached. They had argued—their first argument since they married—and though they had reached a truce quite s
oon, she could still taste the bitterness of it. The more she recollected their discussion, the more she agreed that he was right; she did not give him the proper consideration a husband like him deserved; she could easily see that. Certainly, they did spend much time together, but it was true they were rarely alone.
Even when they retired to their rooms, she was usually so tired that she fell asleep almost immediately, and though they began to share intimacies again about two months after their son was born, their lovemaking was somehow different—she could not deny that. She had become more restrained and a little uncomfortable, and truly, she felt she had lost the courage to do some of the things she used to do before. She had wondered many times whether it was proper—now that she was a mother—to behave as she did when she was a newly wedded wife, and her puzzlement increased as Darcy seemed more restrained too—less demanding and less insistent in his attentions toward her. Instead of trying to keep her roused, or awaking her when she fell asleep before he came to bed—as he did in the first months of their marriage—he now appeared more preoccupied in allowing her to rest. She feared that was a sign of his decreasing passion and desire for her—as happened to many men after they had an heir—but after his earlier outburst in the carriage, that seemed unlikely.
She laughed as she felt tears in her eyes, remembering his expression when he complained about her giving too much of her time to others. It was a little strange coming from someone who was always so generous to everyone within his sphere of influence.
“Please come and help me out of the bath,” Elizabeth called to the maid. She had to prepare for dinner and look for him—immediately.
