by Karen Deen
“Shit, Bella, what are you trying to do? Get yourself killed or something? You didn’t even look.” My words rush out sternly. Fuck, just what I need to start the day, having to call Gray and explain his sister just got run over in front of my eyes.
“Sorry, I was preoccupied. I don’t know how I missed that. Thank you for saving me.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Like I haven’t been doing it most of your life. Just like I’m constantly saving the other boys. One day I’ll just stop being there to catch you. Then all of you will be fucked.” I grab her and hug tightly. This girl is like a little sister to me. I’ve known her since she was five and not long before she and Gray lost their mother to cancer. She is just as special to me as the guys are.
“Oh, stop complaining. What would you do with your life if you weren’t being our hero half the time?” Slapping me on the chest, she looks up at me with those same eyes of the little girl that we all fell in love with.
She’s right, though. I’ll never admit it, but I love hovering over them all, making sure they’re safe. It’s what I’m good at. Being in the background and keeping everything in order. Picking up after them.
“Maybe then I’d have time for a life of my own,” I say to her, knowing I’m full of shit, but it sounds good right now.
Chatting and heading into the market, she starts talking about a crazy lady Martha and her husband George. Before I know it, I’m being dragged through the market to meet them and listen to some crazy words. George calls me her boyfriend and then Martha corrects him, saying that I’m one of the friends, a protector, and not the boyfriend. The hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. What boyfriend? I don’t know anything about a boyfriend, which means Gray doesn’t either. Oh shit, today is already full of surprises.
“Since when do you have a boyfriend? Care to share, Bella?” I stare straight into her eyes and watch her squirming trying to change the subject and brush me off, saying that the crazy lady doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Hmm, nice try, Bella, but I’ll give you a few minutes. As soon as we are alone you will be spilling the details.
Being a smart woman, an almost fully qualified doctor, she knows how to deflect well by turning the questions to me. I think she forgets who she’s up against, though. I’m the master of reading people and getting information out of them when they don’t want to share.
“Let’s go back to the question at hand. What brings you to the market this morning?” Bella asks me as she nibbles on some blueberries she just purchased.
“You have to promise, what happens at the market stays as the market, Bella. None of this reporting to your brother with bits of crappy gossip about me. Otherwise I’ll let slip the old lady’s crazy—or not-so-crazy—statement about the boyfriend. Do we have a deal?” She thinks I’m joking, but I’m actually not ready to share this with Gray yet.
“Deal. Now spill it, Alexander,” she says as we sit on a park bench.
“Wow, my full name, Miss Arabella. This must be a serious chat.” My full name only gets used by my mother or at work. Bella is full of sass this morning. She knows I hate my friends using it.
“It’ll be serious in a moment if you don’t start talking.” She points her finger at me like I’m a schoolboy.
“See, this is why I stay away from women. You’re all killing me at the moment.” And I know the day isn’t going to get any better.
“Now that’s a good start. It’s about a woman. Not that I thought you were gay, but that clarifies it for me.”
“Far from it, you weirdo. You’ve seen me many times with women. I like certain parts of the female anatomy way too much to be gay. Just saying. Mind you, it concerns me we’re even having this conversation, but I’m not going there, otherwise this is going to take too long.”
As she continues to try to interrogate me, I find I’m enjoying the banter back and forth. Until I hear the voice that seems to overpower every other voice around us and make them fade into the background.
“Alexander, there you are finally. Thought I said ten am sharp if you wanted to talk. Typical of you to be late.” Jacinta glares at me.
Fuck, I didn’t want her to see me with Bella. You know the saying, ‘and never the two shall the meet.’ Jacinta is not someone who belongs in the same world as my special people. These worlds are never supposed to cross over.
I jump up to try to stop her in her tracks, but I’m too late.
“Who are you?” Jacinta says, looking down at Bella with her righteous attitude.
Oh god, Bella isn’t going to take that. She’s a little firecracker when she wants to be.
“Doctor Arabella Garrett, sister to Lex, and you are, besides rude?”
“Bella,” I growl at her.
Even though Jacinta deserves that, my upbringing still won’t let people disrespect her.
The two of them start verbal sparring, and then Jacinta straight out tells her we’re fuck buddies.
I need to get out of here before this gets worse.
I can just hear the phone calls I’ll be getting from the guys later today when Bella spills all this to them.
Apologizing to Jacinta, I pull Bella away and tell Jacinta I will call her later. I need to go into damage control. Bella and I end up in a heated discussion, and I know it comes from a good place, but she’s overstepping the sister role she loves to have with all us boys. After calming her down and making her promise to keep this run-in to herself if I keep her boyfriend secret, we part, and she heads off to see the crazy lady again.
I take off in the direction Jacinta left in, hoping I can catch her before she leaves. I see her in the distance buying some flowers. I get there just in time to shove some money in the hands of the vendor and tell him I’ll pay. Jacinta just stares at me. Taking her flowers and walking away from me.
“Wait,” I call after her.
Stopping, she doesn’t turn but waits for me to catch up to her. I walk in front of her then reach for her arm.
“Can we just sit for a moment? We need to talk.” She doesn’t say a word but follows my lead to the seat. I asked her here so this could be done in a public place. That way I can stay strong to do what I need to do. I don’t want a debate with her screaming at me.
“Well?” she says sternly.
“Jacinta, I know we’ve been using this mutual agreement to satisfy a need we both have at times. No strings attached and no feelings. But it’s not working for me anymore.”
Her eyes open boldly. “You’ve developed feelings?” Her voice is a little softer with a hint of a smile.
“God no. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s not healthy for either of us. I want to find someone for a meaningful relationship. You deserve that too. Let’s just keep the respectful friendship. I’m sure you agree. It’s time to move on.”
That’s when I get the biggest shock.
Fuck, how did I miss this?
The momentary look of longing in her eyes. Which quickly flicks to sadness and despair at my words.
Jacinta has developed feelings for me that she has hidden behind the power struggle. This was never supposed to happen. Her words to me were that she just needed the sexual release and that we could enjoy it while it lasted. When we’d had enough, we would walk away.
They were her words.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
She blinks a couple of times and that vulnerable look is gone and the blank expression returns.
Standing, she puts her hand out and takes mine to shake it.
“Thank you for your time, Alexander. Good luck in your future. Please pass on this change in arrangement to your mother.”
As she stalks off across the park in her normal power walk, I’m left sitting there totally floored.
That is not how I expected this to go down at all.
I need a stiff drink and it’s only just after ten am.
Can today get any worse?
Well of course it can.
Now I get to visit my mother. This ch
ange in her master plan is not going to sit well with her. She feels it’s her right as my mother to control my life.
Well, today she’s about to find out that’s not the case.
And people think Jacinta is a dragon and is as cold as ice with emotions.
Elouise Jefferson has been known to bring the toughest men to their knees within five minutes of meeting them.
Yep, a drink sounds like a good option.
Chapter Three
MIA
Kicking a toy block across the room, my mind is saying every swear word I can think of.
With the kids in the room I can’t say them out loud, but I can scream them in my head.
“Mommy, why does he yell at you all the time?” Jack looks at me.
I promised myself I would never let him see me cry again after that night we broke free.
“Because he is an angry man sometimes. Don’t you listen to him. Just keep singing in your room like I taught you when he comes, okay?”
He still looks concerned about me. “I don’t like him, he’s mean. I’m going to yell at him and tell him next time.”
“No, you won’t. I’m just going to go to the bathroom for a minute. You just keep watching Kayla in the playpen for me.” I hold it together until I close the door, my back then sliding down the wall. I fall to the ground and curl my arms around my legs, crying silently.
I can’t believe it’s happening again. Two months have passed and yet, for everything I went through that night, I’m right back there again.
Different place but same situation. With a man controlling me and threatening our safety.
I want to scream and cry out loud.
But just like before, I have to cry silent tears and not show any signs of my weakness.
What the fuck even is my life!
Laying my head back against the bathroom wall, my mind takes me right back to that night. The one where I ran to what I thought would be a better life.
What a huge lie that’s turning out to be.
My memory always starts the same way, with an immense feeling of fear.
“Jack, baby, you need to be really quiet for me. Like a creeping lion. Remember how Mommy showed you. No noise.” His big eyes look up at me with complete trust. Nodding his head, he tells me he understands. My heart is pounding so loud I can hear it in my ears.
My poor little boy is only four years old and he should not be living a life like this. With Kayla my eight-month-old daughter strapped to my front in her carrier, luckily sound asleep, and a backpack on my back with the necessities kids need. I can’t afford to make a noise. Picking Jack up, I now have him on my hip and am creeping through the apartment. How has my life even gotten to this point?
I know I’m a good person, yet the universe keeps just dealing me shitty situations.
One after another.
From the day I was born, nobody wanted me.
My own mother left me on the front step of a house which just meant I ended up in foster care. I struggled through life just staying quiet and out of trouble. My foster family didn’t have much, but they fed and clothed me and shared what love they had. It always confused me why they fostered children when they struggled financially. But they did what they thought was a good deed, and I’m grateful they gave me a home.
The day I turned eighteen, I knew I was on my own, though. Time to leave and fend for myself. My foster mom cried when I left and wished me well. Told me to keep in touch even though we both knew deep down I wouldn’t. Like the kids before me. The moment I left, another child was arriving to replace me. They were good people, and for all the kids they gave a home to, they deserve something good to come their way.
Looking at my kids who are my world, wrapped tightly in my arms, I can’t imagine giving them up.
Instead my protective instinct became so strong from the day I found out I was pregnant with Jack. No one is ever going to hurt my children. As long as I’m alive, I’ll fight to keep them safe.
My hand on the front door handle, I ever so slowly pull it towards us and am hopefully closing the door on an ugly past. Through the gap that’s getting smaller by the second, I have the last vision of my husband. He is passed out on the couch. Drunk and snoring loud enough for the whole unit block to hear him. One of the blessings I had was that he very rarely made it to our bed at night because he was too drunk and passed out. Sleeping it off. Then I would make sure I was up before he woke. I avoided him at all costs, but there were times I just had to do as he demanded, otherwise the consequences were worse.
I’m shaking as the door gap finally closes and I pull my hand off the knob. Taking my finger to signal to Jack that we are still being quiet, he just smiles at me. His innocence kills me. He never questions my love or the trust he places in me. Something I will always treasure. Maybe I’ve never been wanted by anyone else, but these two little angels in my arms give me the reason to keep living. One day I will explain to them how much their love held me together and gave me the strength to take this step tonight.
I rush down the stairs as fast as my legs will take us, in the limited light that there is and trying not to fall. Stopping on the second floor, I lightly tap on the door just next to the stairwell. It quickly opens and Rita hands me the little bag I had left with her earlier with some food for the kids, just to get me through the next day. She has tears in her eyes and grabs us in a quick hug and then quietly closes the door again. She knows she can’t let her husband hear her either, as he’s friends with Edward. I don’t want her to get in any trouble for helping me. Taking the last few steps before the front door, I can’t believe I’m really doing this.
The bottom door bangs a little in the wind anyway, so hearing it opening in the middle of the night and make a noise would not be unusual. Not that anyone around here gives a shit about anything other than themselves. Not once has anyone stepped in to help me.
Finally placing Jack down on the ground, I take a breath of the cool night air. It doesn’t smell pleasant, but it never does at any time. Where we live is a dump, and I make a promise to myself right now that somehow, I will make sure my kids grow up in a safe home and somewhere that smells far better than this shithole.
Crouching down, I kiss Jack on the cheek.
“Great job, little man. Now let’s go on our adventure on the big bus. We have to stay quiet and not talk to anyone. Okay?” I whisper to him.
“Yes, Mommy,” he whispers back.
“Now we need to hurry to make the bus.”
Taking his hand, we start running down the road a little. I want to get away from here as quickly as possible. I don’t want to get on the bus at our usual bus stop where Edward might ask around about us. So, I’m running towards the back of the diner I work at. My boss Anna is there waiting for me. She has been looking out for me for years and has been keeping some of my wages safe for me, ready for this moment. I knew the day I found out I was pregnant again from one of those nights where I just did as I was told, that I had to get out. To Edward I was just money for him. The kids were an inconvenience, and I knew before long would become the next target for his frustration. He gambled and drank away all our money, so he needed me to work to support his habit. He didn’t care if we ate or not, as long as he had cash to feed his addiction.
Seeing Anna at the back door locking up the dinner, I feel like I can take a little breath.
She bends down and Jack runs towards her and into her arms. She has been like a grandmother to him and Kayla. Feeding them and letting them stay in the back room while I’m at work. I never trusted Edward with them or to leave them with anyone else.
If he hurt me when his temper flared, then what might he do to them? I wasn’t ever going to give him the chance to find out.
But if I didn’t work, then I couldn’t feed or clothe them. I’ve been so blessed with this job.
“Great job, Jack my boy. Did you run here with Mommy?” She stands with him in her arms.
“Can I talk?” He loo
ks to me, and I try not to laugh at my gorgeous boy.
“Yes, my brave boy, just quietly,” I say as I catch my breath and put the bag in the back of Anna’s car, next to the bigger bag she has been keeping for me. Slowly I’ve been bringing clothes and things I needed to take with me to work each day and filling up the bag. She’s been here waiting to drive me a couple of suburbs away to get on the bus.
“Good, because Mommy, I really need to pee. All that running made my pee want to come out.” He screws up his face.
Anna and I look at each other and giggle quietly.
“I know what you mean, Jack. Being a mom, when I run it makes my pee want to come out too.” Anna just keeps laughing at me quietly, knowing exactly what I mean. Right now, Kayla decides she wants to start to wake a little and fuss.
Damn!
“Jack, we don’t have time to go inside. Come with me.” Anna puts him down and we walk over to near the dumpster.
“But Mommy, you said we always had to pee in the toilet because it’s yucky to pee outside like Daddy does.” He looks up at me a little worried.
“I know, baby, but tonight we are just this once going to break that rule. Otherwise we are going to miss our adventure bus. So, can you do it, just this once for me?” Knowing the lure of the bus will have him listening, I strip his pants down and tell him to aim for the wall. What is it with boys and wanting to make patterns? This kid has never peed outside yet here he is making lines on the wall in the dim streetlight. Can’t wait until he is a teenager!
“Done,” he says proudly as he pulls up his pants. “Mommy, that was fun, can we do that again another day? It wasn’t yucky.” I don’t have the strength to argue or explain now so I use my favorite word that just pushes this discussion to another day.
“Maybe.”
Anna already has the car going and the door open for us to climb in the back seat. I lay down on the seat and pull Jack down with me and wrap my arms around him and Kayla who is still trapped to my chest, thankfully now settled again. What we are doing is highly illegal, but we don’t want anyone to see us in the car. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Anna slowly starts to drive away, knowing she has precious cargo in the back.
