by Karen Deen
Patting her hands again, I realize I keep doing that. It’s like she has this pull that makes me want to connect with her physically every so often. I seriously need to get control of this. Mia is going to think I’m way too touchy for someone who doesn’t know her.
“Thanks, Lex. I couldn’t have done that without you. I was so nervous, but you made me feel like I was doing okay.” Her voice is quiet, letting me know that it took a lot out of her.
It’s never easy to talk about something that is so personal. Telling other people about things that have happened to you, things that aren’t considered normal in their eyes. Looking back, you now see some of the things you did weren’t smart and should have raised warnings at the time. Hindsight is something we all wish we had at one stage of our lives. I’ve told so many clients that I don’t judge them. What happened at the time is no reflection on how you see the same situation once you get distance from it.
“You did great, and the first step is always the hardest. Now forget about all that for the rest of the weekend and leave it up to me to do some groundwork with Edward.” Before I get to say another word, Jack comes over and climbs up into my lap.
“I’m hungry, Lex, can we have the cookies now?” he says so sweetly and looking so innocent.
“Jack,” Mia gasps.
But the rest of us all start laughing at him. Having little mouths to feed constantly will take some getting used to.
Paige takes him off to the kitchen to see what she can find for him while we settle with Ashton what the schedule is for the next few days.
“Thanks, Ashton. We’ll be in touch once Paige sorts out her work schedule for next week. I’ve got this for the next few days until I’m needed back at work.” Mason and Ashton talk a little more in quiet voices near the elevator, and I’m guessing it’s details they don’t want the girls to know. After years together in the Army, these two are close, you can tell. I can imagine when you’re relying on someone to keep you alive, there’s no stronger bond than that.
“Are you coming with us to meet my dad, Lex?” Paige asks as Jack crawls back into my lap with his crackers and cheese. Not exactly cookies, but he looks just as happy. It seems my lap has become his new favorite spot to sit. I don’t know how Mia feels about it, but she hasn’t said anything, so I let him get himself comfortable.
It just dawned on me that I’m still in my clothes from yesterday and could do with a shower. Plus, that is a family moment that I don’t need to be part of.
As much as I don’t want to leave Mia, I need to back off and give them time to start to get to know each other. I’ve already intruded enough.
“No, thanks for the offer. You guys need to do that as a family. Plus I have some work to get done and perhaps a shower might be a good idea.” I look at Mia as I say it, trying to see her reaction. She doesn’t give much away and just stands to attend to Kayla who is starting to fuss.
“You’re welcome to come, but I understand you need to get home.” Paige looks at me with appreciation for being here through it all.
“Man, can you just hang here for a little longer while I run to the store and grab some car seats for the kids? I don’t want the girls on their own.” Mason stands, grabbing his keys and wallet from the counter.
Damn, I should have added car seats to the list too.
“I can go if you want?” That way I can get the stroller and highchair too.
“No, it’s fine. Let me buy the only part of the store you didn’t buy last night,” Mason says as he kisses Paige and disappears into the elevator.
Turning back to see Mia rocking Kayla to sleep in her arms, I can tell she’s struggling again with us buying more things. I didn’t really think of it from her shoes. If I were her, I would hate it too. Having to rely on other people is not my thing at all.
I’m starting to learn it’s not Mia’s either.
She’s been on her own all her life and overnight we’ve just taken over.
I need to talk to the others about this later.
She needs to feel in control, otherwise we aren’t any better than every other person who has gone before us, trying to dominate her life.
She needs space, and we need to give her that.
Otherwise we risk losing her.
Chapter Nine
MIA
I think back to everything that has happened since I got out of bed this morning, I didn’t think it was possible, but today has been just as draining as yesterday.
I hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours and my mind was scrambled. One of the many things that was weighing on me since last night was Paige wanting me to meet her father. I knew it was important to her, but to be honest, I was scared shitless. All the possible scenarios were going through my head. What will he think of me? He probably thinks I’m just after her money. He won’t want to have anything to do with me and my kids. He’ll likely tell her to just kick me out and get on with running her business. Not to bring trouble to her life. All these crazy things that I couldn’t shake had me absolutely petrified. I tried to hold it all inside, but I have a feeling there was at least one person who could tell how worried I was. But I just had to keep it together and get on with the day.
Breakfast with everyone, meeting with the police, and then meeting Jonathan and Beth, it was enough to make today feel like a week all rolled into one. My nerves were peaking as I walked into Paige’s family home. Never in my life have I seen such a beautiful and extravagant home. Yet it was homely, and as soon as I met them, they made me feel so welcome. Jonathan straight away told me he wants to be my father for the years he has left, and will love me like his own daughter. All my fears came flooding out as he hugged me. I cried on his shoulder. I didn’t know how much I needed his acceptance until I had it, and it came straight away without one ounce of hesitation in his voice. He and Beth just doted on the kids, and I have a feeling we will be seeing a lot more of them, with Beth already offering to babysit. Although I’m not anywhere near that stage of leaving my kids with people I don’t really know. Maybe in time I can work up to that.
The kids fell asleep in the car on the way home, and Paige had Mason stop at the mall so we could get some clothes for me for a few days until we can get some things figured out. I tried to tell her I would just go to my apartment and get my clothes, but she refused. She said she would send Mason down there if there were any keepsakes we need, but the rest can go to charity. Her favorite words today are new life, fresh start. There are a few things that are in my backpack that are important to me, so I made a list for Mason for later. I still feel uncomfortable with the handouts, so I didn’t get much. Just a couple of pairs of jeans, shorts, and tops. Plus underwear, which I just picked the cheapest I could find. Paige told me I could have whatever I wanted, but that didn’t seem right. I’m sure my boring white bra and panty sets are nothing like the expensive lace and satin that she would wear.
When we got back to Paige’s apartment, we unpacked everything that Lex had bought and put it away in the cupboards. The room is now more organized, and we know what I have. Dinner was simple tonight with just cheese on toast for the kids and me. Paige wanted to order in for us, but I just couldn’t take it tonight. I’m not used to so much food and the richness of it. Plus, the emotions have my stomach feeling all churned up. Mason can see I’m struggling, and he’s good at pulling Paige back from pushing too hard. I know she means well, but she’s overpowering at times. I understand why she has the position she has in the business. She is a very strong woman. Something I wish I was, but I’m not even close.
Bathing the kids and letting them play for a little while was the first bit of quiet time they had all day. But it didn’t take long and they were starting to fall asleep playing so I knew it would be an early bedtime. Sitting on the end of my bed, now that both the kids are asleep, I just need a moment on my own. I feel like I’ve been smothered since everything happened. I’m so grateful for them all, but there were times today I didn’t think I cou
ld breathe. It’s overwhelming in a good and bad way. I just don’t know how to navigate it all.
Paige just wants to give me the world. I can’t believe I thought all those awful things about her. She is totally the opposite to everything Bent told me. I want to say no to her generosity, but I can’t and that is hard to accept. I have no home or money for food, so I need to rely on her. As soon as I can pull myself together and we have this stuff with Bent done with, then I need to find a job. So I can look after my family and stop feeling like a leech, taking money from Paige. I know she can afford it. I mean, look where she lives, and her father’s house is a mansion. But that is beside the point. I want to—no, actually I need to stand on my own two feet.
I won’t be able to afford a very nice place to live, but I will find something to suit us that is still close to Paige. As long as it’s clean and safe, then I’ll be fine. I don’t want to be that annoying family member that takes what they can get and keep expecting the handouts. But after spending a day with her, I do desperately want her to be a part of my life. There is an undeniable bond between us. One that I have longed for all my life and finally have found. I’m not giving that up for anything. I also want my children to grow up in a family environment. I know already, deep down in my heart, that if something were to happen to me, Paige would take care of them and love them like I do. She has shown that from the very beginning, and they both respond to her like they’ve known her all their lives. I can see she loves the connection just as much as I do. We grew up differently, but one thing we had in common our whole lives is the craving for a family. Now we’ve discovered each other, there is no turning back.
I look down at Kayla in her playpen, the star mobile that was in one of the bags now hanging above her. She is snuggled in the cutest sleepwear, pink and covered in sparkling stars, and my mind again goes to him.
Lex.
Who is this man and where did he come from?
I’m more confused about him than I am about everything else put together.
Why does he make my body react and tingle as soon as he’s near me, but at the same time, he calms my soul? I thought once he left today I would finally feel better and not have to battle the weird feelings. But instead, more strange sensations filled my mind.
I missed him this afternoon.
His smile, calm voice, and just his presence. Now that it’s time for me to go to bed, I didn’t realize how much he made me feel safe. Both him just being near me and sleeping outside my door. It’s totally crazy because I don’t even know him, yet I wish he was back on that couch tonight watching over me.
I hear a soft tap on the door, and Paige pokes her head into the room.
“You okay in here?” she whispers so not to wake the kids up. They’re exhausted. Standing up, I walk to the door to answer her quietly.
“Yes, I think I’m just going to shower and then jump into bed too. I’m so tired.”
“Me too. That sounds like a good plan. I think I’ll do the same. If you need anything during the night just come and find me or call out and we will be straight down.” It’s like she’s not ready to let me out of her sight either.
“I’ll be fine.” I hesitate on how to say what I need to say. “Thank you for everything today, Paige. You’ve opened your home and family to me. I’m very grateful. More than you will ever know.”
She reaches out and pulls me into a tight hug. “You are my family. I will always be here no matter what. I’m the grateful one to have found you. We will never be apart again. I promise. Now get some sleep and let’s have a lazy day tomorrow.” With that she steps back out of the hug.
“Sounds great. Goodnight,” I say, starting to close the door. I hear her say goodnight as she walks back up the hallway.
We’ve already developed a bond, and it’s close, but there are still times of awkwardness. It will just take time to get past that.
There is something about a hot shower when you feel totally exhausted. It’s like it washes some of the worries away. The things that you shouldn’t be wasting energy on. Then it helps to soothe the big things. The things that won’t wash away completely, but they just don’t seem so heavy while you’re standing under the water.
Maybe after a day to catch my breath tomorrow, I’ll have the energy to battle through the next challenge. I just don’t know which thing to pick, which will be the next problem to tackle. My life is crazy. No one would believe me if I tried to tell them.
Curling into the big comfy bed tonight feels different than last night. Tonight, I feel so tired I don’t have the energy to think. I need to just breathe out and start to accept some of the changes happening. They may not be exactly what I want, but to be honest, we are safe, in a home where we are wanted and have food to stop us from starving. That’s more than I’ve ever had. For that I’m extremely grateful.
The rest will fall into place.
At least I hope it will.
Closing my eyes, I try to blank out my thoughts, but it’s impossible. Lex keeps appearing in my reflections of the last two days. His soft smile, that deep laugh that makes me laugh with him on the inside. I hear his voice in my head. The words he said to me on repeat over and over again, ‘Let me help you get your life back.’ I know I am nothing more than Paige’s sister, and he’s helping me because he feels sorry for me. I’m not like any of the women he would have in his life. Wealthy, beautiful, and powerful women is what I imagine his world is full of. The only poor, single mothers he’s met would be in the courtroom, who he turns the other way from as he defends his rich client from something that they’ve been accused of. Who am I kidding, he probably has a girlfriend, and that’s where he was today. I’m thinking stupid thoughts again that I shouldn’t be. He could never be part of my world. More to the point, I could never fit into his.
But part of me wants to imagine he sees me. Just for once I let myself go off to sleep dreaming that I would be good enough for Lex. I know it’s a crazy thought, but a girl can dream.
And this girl knows in reality dreams never come true, so it’s okay to live in my dream tonight.
No one will ever know.
One of the most frustrating things with kids is their sleep patterns. The mornings you would give anything for just ten more minutes of sleep are the days they are up as the sun peeks over the horizon.
Not today, though. I’m the one lying here wide awake and the kids are still snoring. Yesterday really wore them out. I try so hard to go back to sleep, but it’s just not going to happen.
Sneaking out of bed to use the bathroom, I decide I’ll leave the kids sleeping with the door open slightly so I can hear them when they wake. Trying to be as quiet as a mouse, I make a coffee and curl up on the couch facing out the floor-to-ceiling windows. Just taking the view in. The sky is clear, and the sunrise is showing me the start of the sky for today, being blue for as far as I can see. There’s something so peaceful about the early morning light. Like nothing bad has touched it yet and the day is still so pure. Taking in a deep breath, I just sit and take in the peacefulness.
Until I arrived in Chicago, I had never been in a building this high off the ground. It’s a strange sensation to be up above everyone. It’s like being a princess in the castle. Paige is the princess that lives here, and I’m just visiting. She has her Prince Charming. Just watching her and Mason together, I see what real love is. He adores her and treats her like a precious glass object that may break if not protected. Yet he still manages to give her space to be herself. I don’t think she’s the kind of woman who can be caged. But it’s also easy to see Paige needs Mason to ground her. He is her rock when she needs the strength. I think her life is all about control, but when she comes into her castle, she just lets go, and Mason takes the load for her. It seems an interesting dynamic but works, and there’s nothing but love between them which makes then inseparable. One day I hope I find that sort of love.
Although I’m mad that I couldn’t sleep, the time I’ve had sitting here th
is morning in the silence is just what I needed. A moment of peace in the middle of the chaos.
I hear quiet footsteps coming down the stairs and look up to see Mason wearing that just-awake look. Hair still messy, eyes open but not wide awake. Smiling at me, he waits until he’s beside me to talk quietly.
“Morning, Mia, you’re up early. Are you okay?” His early morning voice is just like Lex, low and coarse.
“Morning. Yes, thank you. Just couldn’t sleep, so I’m enjoying the sunrise with a coffee.” He places his hand on the couch next to me, which should make me shudder from a man being this close, but it doesn’t. The respect he shows me is what I imagine a big brother’s kindness would be. This is going to take some getting used to.
“Sounds perfect. Mind if I join you?” he asks softly.
“Not at all.” Surprisingly, this morning I’m not saying yes just because I think I should. I actually wouldn’t mind the company.
“I’ll just grab a coffee. Want another one yet?” I shake my head no as I’m sipping mine.
We both sit there for a little bit, not speaking, just enjoying the changing morning picture in front of us. Then Mason looks seriously into my eyes.
“How are you doing, Mia? And not the answer you would tell Paige. Tell me how you are really doing.” He may be the toughest-looking of his group of friends and the one that I’m sure carries the most demons, but to me he is such a gentle giant. The way he charged in to protect my kids and was prepared to kill Bent to keep them safe, it still makes me shiver. I think he understands me more than Paige. He has seen life that is hard and not like this luxury.
I feel totally comfortable talking to him.
“If you were Paige, I would say I’m fine and change the subject.” He grins at me, knowing that’s what he was expecting.
“But I’m not Paige, so you want to tell me the truth.” He smirks at me.
“Will you tell her?” I don’t want to upset her.
