by Karen Deen
“Okay good, because I don’t want her to know what happened. She’ll get funny about it, I can just tell.”
“You mean she’ll feel bad because she had the charmed life and you didn’t. You can’t prevent how she will handle this, Mia. Just like Paige can’t tell you how to cope or what to do with your life now. She will want to, and that’s okay. But you get to choose. Choice has been taken away from you for far too long. That’s why we’re here. To give you back control of your life, your choice to do what you want, when you want, where you want. You need to try to let that sink in. Life is for living now.”
I just nod my head as I let what he’s saying settle in. Lex doesn’t say anything further until he can see I’m ready. He is so patient with me.
“Will you help me tell her that?” I whisper. “I’m not strong enough.”
His hands are once again are on top of mine, just this time he is slowly pulling them from the tight fists they’ve been balled in.
“Of course I will. I told you I’m here to help however you need me. From where I’m sitting, I think you underestimate your own strength, though. Just being here, plus your kids in another room. That is a huge deal. You need to be proud of every step you take forward. Not everyone makes it here. Let me assure you. This is huge. Just like taking the kids and running was so brave. You are so strong, and hopefully we can all help you to see that one day. Now let’s relax a little and start with how you met Edward and a bit of a backstory on him for me.”
My mind is racing. Where do I even start?
“In the beginning I met him at a job I was working at a pizza place. He used to come in at night on his way home. I should have seen it then. He would visit a bar every night and get pizza after. I was too stupid to see it. I just thought he was being sweet and coming to see me each night. Anyway, he kept chatting me up and trying to convince me we should go out sometime. I gave in eventually, and he took me out to a movie and then a bar afterwards. We had fun and he was nice to me. I’d had a few drinks and then he started to let his hands roam. I was okay with that. I’d known him for a while and things seemed to be going well. I didn’t have any intention of sleeping with him that night, though. But he kept saying I owed him after being such a prick tease for months. In the end I agreed because I felt bad.” I pause to look at Lex, wondering what he’s thinking. He’s just sitting there taking notes and I decide I need to keep going and not watch him. Otherwise I’ll never get through this.
I talk for while, telling him what I could remember of the time before I found out I was pregnant with Jack. I had changed jobs and was working with Anna by that stage and Edward was changing a little. I had spoken to Anna about breaking up with him, but then I found out I was pregnant.
I thought it would be hard to talk, but once I started it’s all pouring out.
“So, he got one of his friends who was a celebrant to marry us because he wanted the baby to have his name when it was born. Especially once we found we were having a little boy. There was no white dress or flowers. Just at the friend’s place and then to the bar for dinner with a few of his bar buddies.” I run my hands through my hair with frustration at myself.
“I was so caught up on my child having parents and not being an orphan like I was I ignored so many warning signs.”
“Mia, I don’t judge you or your choices.” If only I could believe Lex means that.
“The first week after Jack was born, Edward was like the man I met in the beginning. He looked at me like he loved me. He took care of me and changed a few diapers. But then it all stopped. Three weeks after Jack was born, I overheard Edward and his friend talking about him cheating on me with some young woman. I was upset but not as much as I should have been. I realize that now. Deep down I knew he didn’t really love me like I think love should be. It hurt me, though, because it reinforced what I always knew. Nobody wanted me and I wasn’t really worth loving.” So wrapped up in my own head, I can’t believe I said that out loud. The sound of Lex letting out a low growl makes me look up. His face is strained, and he’s mad, like really mad. He’s scaring me a little.
“I can tell you right now, one day I’ll prove that wrong.” His voice is deep and forceful like he wants me to believe every word. “Your husband and any man before him are fools. They never took the time to see what they had. I wish I could show you.” As he runs his hand over his beard, I’m starting to recognize that is his frustrated tell sign.
“It’s okay, Lex, I know what my life is. I accepted that a long time ago.”
“Well, you better start rethinking that because it’s changing. That I can guarantee.”
I can’t handle the emotions that are surfacing when he keeps saying things like that to me. I’m not strong enough or ready for anything like what he’s promising. I need to move on and just keep pushing forward so I can get to my kids. They are my world. They are all I need.
“Anyway, things got worse. He stayed out longer at night and came home drunk all the time. The words got nastier and the shoving got harder. Especially when I told him no sex or that I wasn’t ready to go back to work. To him both of those things were unacceptable answers.” I don’t want to tell him everything. I just can’t say the words or relive the memories. I stand and walk to the window to put some distance between us. Looking over the skyline.
“Do I need to tell you details? I’m not sure I can.” I speak to the window and don’t look back at him.
“No, Mia, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But can I ask you some questions and you just answer with a yes or no? Or if it’s too much just don’t say anything. Is that okay?” His calm voice is back and that settles me a little.
Quietly I reply, “Yes,” scared what the questions are going to be.
“Did Edward ever hit you, Mia?” And there it is, the dark side of my life.
“Yes, a few times.”
“Did he ever force you to have sex with him?”
“Yes.”
“Did he ever hurt the children?”
“No, I protected them.” The tears are running down my face now.
“Are you scared for your safety and that of your children?”
“So much.” My body is shaking as the tears are tumbling down. I can’t take any more of this. My arms wrap around myself. I’m pulling them tighter and tighter, trying to stop. Hearing Lex behind me, I can’t seem to move. I know he’s close and I should back away, but I’m frozen with fear.
“Mia,” he whispers. “As a friend I would normally hug you now, but I won’t touch you without your permission. I just want to hold you and share that pain and take away that fear you’re feeling. Tell me what I can do for you, what do you need?”
I’m so confused what the hell is going on with him. But just like before, he draws out my truths.
Turning, facing him, and letting him see the mess I really am, I let my walls down.
“To feel safe and wanted.” The dam wall breaks, and the big sobs start as I step forward and put my head on his chest, my hands just grabbing on to his coat and hanging on like my life depends on it. I don’t know why I’m even touching him because it is so far from where my life is at.
“Can I?” he whispers above me.
“Please…” is all I can get out between sobs.
I’ve never wanted to be hugged as much as I do in this moment. I feel so weak that I’m clinging to him for strength as his arms slowly come around me and softly wrap me up. He feels like a blanket folding around me and the warmth that comes with it.
“Let it out, Mia. I’ve got you.”
I’ve got no choice, my body is in control and the emotions have been released. There is no stopping it now. Having to admit to Lex the life I ran from is admitting to myself it happened too.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been standing here crying but finally the tears run dry. The whole time he didn’t let me go or say anything. He just let me take what I needed from him – his strength.
Relaxing a
little, my senses kick in and I’m aware of the sound of his heart beating in his chest. The hard chest my forehead is lying on. It’s strong and steady. The constant rhythm is peaceful.
I should let go of him and step back, but I just need a few more moments before I see the pity in his eyes. Feel the embarrassment at what has just happened. I wish I had the courage to put my arms around him and cuddle him properly, but I just can’t. That’s too much. I’m already overwhelmed with him holding me.
Overwhelmed, but for once in a good way.
How can his touch feel so right?
At the worst time in my life, he walks in and makes me feel.
Something I gave up a long time ago.
If you don’t feel, you can’t hurt.
So why do I want to feel with him?
It’s just foolish. Like every other time, it’ll be a big mistake.
We come from different worlds, and I’m fooling myself if I even believe I deserve to be in his. He can’t see it, but eventually he will.
Then comes the pain.
Just a few more minutes.
Before I let him go and step away.
For his sake as much as mine.
Chapter Twelve
LEX
I’ve never wanted to kill anyone.
I mean, you say it sometimes, but never really mean it.
Today I want to kill Edward Walker.
Hate is a strong emotion, and it is the most powerful word I’m feeling the more I hear Mia talk.
I don’t want to put her through this, but I need to have the answers to these questions for her case, otherwise I wouldn’t ask.
With each question, her arms are gripping her body harder. Her shoulders are tightening and moving up and down as she can’t hold back her emotions. I move to her even though my head is telling me to stay away. I can’t stop myself. She needs me, even if she doesn’t realize it.
Not invading her space, I need her to give me permission. I promised her. Everything now is her choice.
“Mia,” I whisper so as not to startle her. “As a friend I would normally hug you now, but I won’t touch you without your permission. I just want to hold you and share that pain and take away that fear you’re feeling. Tell me what I can do for you, what do you need?”
Fuck, there is a pain in my chest like I’ve never felt before.
It’s her pain.
Lodged right in my heart.
Let me take it, beautiful. I’ll carry the burden.
Come to me, let me be your strength.
Turning and falling into me, her answer absolutely kills me.
I need her to say the words.
I won’t be that guy.
“Can I?”
“Please…” It’s all I need as I wrap her in my arms. You cry, beautiful. I’m never letting you go. It will take time for you to heal, but I can’t walk away from you. I can be patient. I’ve waited thirty-five years to feel this. However long you need, I’ll wait for you to feel the same. In the meantime, I’ll keep you sheltered and make sure every day of your life you know how much you are wanted.
I promise her in my silent words.
I’m yours, and when you are ready, I hope you choose to be mine.
Standing there, I let her take as much as she needs from me. But after a while I know I need to step away. Fuck, I don’t want to, but I’ve done far more than I should have. My head is screaming at me to back away and give her space. There are so many reasons that I shouldn’t be touching her.
She’s fragile, and a stranger touching her is not what she needs.
To have a client wrapped in your arms is totally unprofessional. If any of the boys saw this, they would be telling me what a hypocrite I am about workplace conduct that I’ve been hounding them about for years.
I promised her I would be her friend until she wanted anything more, yet here I am comforting her like she is so much more than my friend.
I need to pull back. Mia is vulnerable, and I can’t risk scaring her away.
“Mia, I’m going to let you go now. Give you a few minutes to breathe.”
“No. I can’t do this. I’m a mess, look at me.” I feel her hands gripping my jacket that little bit tighter.
“I am looking at you, and I like what I see.”
“What, a weak, pathetic woman crying all over your suit?” she mumbles into my chest.
“No, I see a strong woman who just needed a moment, and that’s okay. One to let it out in a safe place. Plus, you washing my suit just saved me a dry-cleaning bill.”
I hear her groan at my bad joke. “You mean I just created a need to get it washed. Nice joke, though.”
“You have no idea. My jokes are awesome. Just ask the boys. They get better than that. I’m just warming up.”
“You won’t beat Jack’s.” She giggles a little.
“That’s a challenge if I ever heard one. I can’t have this four-year-old beat me at everything. I’m going to get a complex.”
“You give better hugs.”
“I’ll take that trophy any day of the week.” Taking my hand and putting it under her chin, I pull back a small amount while I lift her face to look at me. She’s shaking her head trying to say no, but I continue to lift her to look me in the eyes. “Mia, look at me. You’ve done the hardest part. You told me the truth and admitted what I suspected. It gets easier from here. I promise. Now really look at me. See, I’m not looking at you any differently than when you walked in here, am I?” I keep my voice soft yet determined so she knows that I mean what I say.
“No.” She tries to look away again.
“That’s because you are the same woman who walked in here ready to move on with her life. I won’t lie to you. There’s going to be hard days, today is one of them. But each time you get through one of those days it makes you a little stronger to tackle the next tough one. Now, before anyone comes in here and sees you, let’s wipe those tear stains, eat a chocolate cookie because they always make you feel better, and have another strong coffee. How does that sound?” Stepping completely away from her now, she stands up a little straighter and blows out a big sigh. I reach for the handkerchief on the couch and hand it to her again. I leave her to wipe her face while I pour another coffee, place a cookie on a plate, and take a seat on the couch. Letting her take her time and come back to me when she’s ready.
Sipping my coffee, wishing it was a scotch, I try not to look at her, but her mere presence draws me to her. Forcing myself to look down at my notes, I see I wasn’t even writing when she was talking towards the end. Instead there are some very deep grooves in my notepad where I was going backwards and forwards in a line. An angry-looking line. Luckily, I have a good memory and can make notes once she leaves later. Seeing movement out of the corner of my eye, I see her make her way back to me. I stay silent and just continue to sip my coffee as she takes hers and takes a long sip. Still looking a little flustered but a little better, she reaches for the cookie and takes a bite.
“Yep, you’re right. Everything feels better with cookies. Can we just keep this secret from Jack? Otherwise he will never eat another vegetable again.” And she is coming back to me.
“My lips are sealed. That kid already has me wrapped around his finger. I don’t need to give him any more ammunition to get me in trouble.” Just letting her settle in with her coffee, I give her a minute before I speak again.
“We don’t need to talk about the past anymore today, Mia, but I do need to talk to you about what I propose we do for you. I want to get a restraining order in place for Edward, so he isn’t able to come near you or the children. Greta has drawn up the papers we need to file with the courts to keep you safe. I want to make sure this is what you want me to do. Remember, just because I’m telling you that you should do it, the choice remains yours.” Her inner strength is coming through strongly now.
“Yes. I definitely want to do that. At the moment, that is my biggest fear. But will it really stop him?”
�
�Yes, it gives us the power to get the police involved if we need to, and he will end up in jail if he breaks it. But also remember we have protection in place for you anyway. This is just to make sure he understands in black and white that he can’t come near you. Not now, not ever.” I can tell she’s feeling stronger now.
“Okay, then tell me what I need to do.”
Opening the file Greta left for me, I start to run through everything she needs to know and let her ask as many questions as she wants. By the time we get through it, I need to ask the next question.
“I would also like to file on your behalf an application for a divorce and full custody of the children. I believe we have sufficient facts to convince a judge that due to the concern for the children’s safety, they should agree to this. Unfortunately, it will take time as it’s not an instant thing like the restraining order. But if we can get it filed now, then the timeframe will at least be ticking down and be over before you know it.” Mia is reading the papers while I continue to talk. “From what you told me, I don’t think he will contest the divorce or custody. He’s a bully who thinks he has all the power. But the day you left, you took the power from him. I’m sure he’ll see how much support you have and back away. Plus, he won’t have the money to fight you in the courts. There is no way he can afford the legal team to beat the best lawyer in Chicago.”
She looks up from her papers with the first hint of a smile today. “Who would that be?” she asks so innocently.
“Oh, the hurt is real.” I pretend to grab my heart. Then I hear that small laugh I love so much.
“Bragging about yourself, Lex?” She smiles at me, baiting me for a smart reply.
“No need. I know I’m the best. Which means you are the lucky one.”
“I already knew that.” Her voice is soft again as she goes back to reading.
