by Karen Deen
Tomorrow is another challenge to conquer. Paige has a meeting she needs to attend, and Mason is flying her vice president to another meeting in Washington. Ashton will be with me tomorrow. I know he will protect me and was so gentle that night, but I still feel anxious. Being left with a man I don’t know in a place that is all new to me. I’ll never get over this vulnerability in this rich world. Back home, I knew how to defend myself against the jerks in my world, but here is so different. That woman at Lex’s office this morning made me feel so small with her words and looks. I didn’t think it could hurt more than what I’ve previously put up with, but I was wrong. She brought out a side of Lex I never imagined he had. He was short and angry with her. Standing up and trying to put her in her place. The way he never let me go even when she pushed him showed how much of a man he is. There was no way he was letting her near me or the kids.
I can take people attacking me, but when they go at my kids then I take offence. I know I didn’t leave Lex with the kindness he deserved. She had made me want to hide behind my walls and just shrink into the back corner where no one sees me. She reminded me how much I don’t belong in this world.
Sitting in the dark on the floor curled up in a blanket next to the window, I want to leave and find a place for just us three to live a simple life. This feeling of needing to run every time something gets hard is not healthy. I know it doesn’t help the situation. Look what happened last time, I just ran to something worse. That won’t always be the case, but I need to stop the urge to run from my fears. Maybe Mason is right. I should see someone and talk through my history and fears. It might make me stronger to get past it all. Tomorrow when they’re out at work, I might search on the internet if I can find someone that won’t cost me much. Not having a job, I don’t have health care, so I’m probably wasting my time as the cost will be too much. But it’s time to do something. I know that now. I can’t keep running, and I need to manage the panic attacks so I’m in control to keep the kids safe.
The stars are shining brightly again tonight, watching over me. They are one constant in my life. They have always been there. Some nights brighter than others. Even on nights the clouds have rolled in, I know they’re still there, just hiding. Like what I do at times. Either way, they never go away, and I can rely on them to be my constant.
My new phone is on the floor next to me, and the buzz in the silence almost makes me squeal with fright. Luckily, I manage to catch it before the noise comes out of my mouth. The last thing I need now is for the kids to wake up.
His name is shining brightly up at me in the darkness of the room. I’m starting to think he’s my star the more he seems to turn up when I need him the most.
Lex: I hope I’m not waking you
I hesitate if I should answer, but I have this feeling deep in my stomach. It’s a longing I’ve had since the elevator doors closed on his saddened face this morning.
Mia: No, I can’t sleep. Just looking at the stars.
There is something about Lex that makes me speak so honestly and freely to him. I’ve never told anyone my deepest thoughts and fears in my life, yet in the few days since we’ve met, I can’t stop sharing them with him.
Lex: Me either. I’m sorry about this morning.
Mia: You didn’t do anything wrong, in fact you did so many things right.
Lex: I let Jacinta upset you, and that’s the last thing I want to happen.
Mia: Is she your girlfriend?
Oh my god, I can’t believe I wrote that and pressed send. Shit, he’s writing back. I need to fix it before he replies.
Mia: Sorry, none of my business
Lex: No, far from it. I’m ashamed to even admit that we were friends with benefits for a few months. Actually, that’s not even true. We weren’t even really friends.
How do I even respond to that? I can’t even picture him with her. Although that’s always been my problem, I don’t read people well. Yet I feel like I know the real Lex. The one he doesn’t share with the world. The man who held me while I fell apart today and keeps my secrets safe.
Lex: I know you probably think differently of me now.
Mia: Actually, I don’t. I might be a bit confused, but I feel that’s not the real you.
Lex: I’m not sure I knew who the real me was until a few days ago.
Mia: Why?
Lex: I’ve grown up in a world where from the time I was born I’ve been told who I am and who I’ll become.
Mia: I don’t understand. You live a life of choice and money. Why can’t you be who you want to be?
Lex: It’s complicated, choice isn’t easy.
Mia: You keep telling me it is. Yet you’re telling me it isn’t easy for you?
Lex: I grew up in the society circles of Chicago. My mother feels she gets to have an opinion on my life.
Mia: You’re right, it’s nothing like I knew growing up. It sounds like money can be as restricting on your life as poverty.
Lex: More than you realize.
Why do I have the feeling Lex is not as confident in his personal life as what I saw today in the workplace?
Lex: Anyway, let’s talk about you.
Mia: Do we have to?
Lex: No, but I’d like to, because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Mia: Me too.
Lex: Really?
Mia: Why are you surprised?
Lex: I’m not what you need in your life right now.
Mia: Doesn’t mean I don’t want it.
Lex: Fuck, you aren’t making this easy.
Mia: I’m sorry. I’m saying more than I should.
Lex: Never hold back. Not with me. Always tell me what’s in your soul.
Mia: I don’t know what’s in there, but you keep drawing it out.
Lex: As you do with me.
Mia: That’s hard to believe.
Lex: I don’t share my thoughts often, not even with the boys. Yet I want to share it all with you.
Mia: Tell me one thing no one knows about you then.
Lex: I never wanted to be a lawyer.
Mia: Oh Lex. Then why are you?
Lex: Because it’s what was expected of me.
Mia: That’s so sad. What would you be if you had a choice?
Lex: Sadly, I don’t know anymore.
Lex: Your turn. Tell me one thing no one knows about you?
Mia: That I’m scared.
Lex: I know, baby, and I’m sorry about that. But I knew that. Tell me something else
Mia: You don’t understand what I mean.
Do I do this or just hold it tight where I should deep inside? My head is saying to keep it locked tight, yet my heart and that gut feeling are saying let it go. If I were in a room with him right now, there is no way I would say this, yet texting makes it so much easier to be brave and tell him the truth.
Lex: Then make me understand.
Mia: I’m scared I’m falling for you.
Pressing send, I’m already screaming in my head I want to take it back. He will run a mile now. Who wants a single mom with two kids and no life? Shit, the dots are appearing on the screen.
Lex: Don’t be scared. I’ve already fallen.
But I’m not for you, Lex.
I never will be.
If you need someone like her then I’m far from it.
Why now?
Where were you five years ago when I wasn’t such a mess?
Maybe we might have had a chance.
Now it’s just bad timing.
For you and for me.
Chapter Fourteen
MIA
“Mommy, why are you sleeping on the floor?” Jack’s little voice is next to my ear.
Sitting up startled, looking around, I realize I’m still in the blanket next to the window where I spent until early hours of this morning texting with Lex.
“Morning, my sweet boy. Did you have a good sleep?” I try to change the subject so I don’t have to answer him.
“Yes. I’m hungry.” A
nd there it is, the start of another day with children.
As I try to wake up quickly and start to stand, I realize how stiff I feel from lying on the hard floor last night. The blanket drops to the floor and my phone is still clutched tightly in my hands.
“Okay, we better get you some breakfast then, buddy.” Jack runs into the bathroom to go to the toilet and take off his pull-up pants. He knows the routine.
Looking down at the screen, I can’t remember the last message or saying goodnight.
Swiping the screen, it opens up still in the message thread.
Lex: Mia?
Lex: I’m guessing you fell asleep
Lex: Dream of happiness and love, beautiful. Because that’s what you deserve.
How can this guy get any sweeter than he already is? I don’t understand how no one sees the real him. I feel sad that he’s hidden that away for so long.
As per usual, I don’t get much time to myself. The noise of Jack moving around and talking to himself on the toilet has Kayla stirring and looking for me.
“Morning, my beautiful girl.” Reaching and picking her up, I pull her into my chest for that first cuddle of the day. She rubs her face against my sleep shirt and then looks around for Jack. She can hear him and her love for him always draws her to wherever he is.
“Your brother is already up and ready to talk our ear off for another day, sweetheart. Let’s get you changed too, and we can all get some breakfast.”
She grins up at me and all is right with the world again, until I remember that today is another new challenge. Just like Lex told me last night. Ashton is here to protect me, not scare me. I need to accept that not all men are the same as where I’ve been.
“Okay, little one. We are strong. Time to show the world that. I’m going to show you a life where you don’t know fear.” Watching her sucking on her fist while I’m changing her makes me smile. The simple things in life are the memories that are so dear.
“Do I have to be quiet, Mommy?” Jack asks as we step out of our bedroom. I can hear noise, so I know the others are already up.
“No, off you go.” I laugh to myself because I’m sure it’s a shock to Paige and Mason to have a four-year-old so full of energy every morning.
“Uncle Mason!” he yells as he runs to the kitchen, using the new names that have stuck now.
“Jack! Stop and do not touch Mason,” I yell in a panic, seeing Mason standing in the kitchen in his pilot’s uniform. Oh my. Now that is a sight. No wonder Paige fell for him. It would be tough work looking at that every day.
Jack has frozen on the spot.
“It’s okay, Mia. I’m sure he’s clean for the first five minutes of the day.” Bending down to Jack’s level, Mason gives him a hug, which Jack loves. I’ve always tried to show my kids as much affection as possible without smothering them. It’s something that I longed for as a child growing up. Seeing other kids getting hugs and kisses from their parents. I knew the moment Jack was born that I would hug him tight every day and tell him how much he is loved. And even more so when Kayla was born.
“True. Morning, Mason, don’t you look handsome in your uniform.” I walk past him into the kitchen to get the kids’ food ready with Kayla on my hip.
“Hey, keep your eyes off my man, sis, he’s taken.” Paige comes up behind me laughing. Jack now spots her and moves from Mason.
“Auntie Paige.” Which brings a smile to her face as she picks him up to give him a hug.
“She can’t help it if she has good taste,” Mason says, back at the counter pouring the coffees for everyone.
“Well, I can’t deny that. Men in a uniform do look sexy,” she replies.
“Umm not men, just one particular man, thank you very much. Eyes here and nowhere else.” Mason’s voice gets a manly rasp to it.
“Pfft, you know they are, but I love seeing you get all jealous.” Taking Jack and putting him on a chair at the table, she comes over to take Kayla off me for a morning hug, which makes it easier for me.
“Morning, Mia, and morning to my little niece. Looking pretty this morning in your yellow outfit just like a sunflower.” Walking over to the highchair and putting Kayla in, she has both the kids giggling at whatever she does. I’ve never needed any help up until now, but I have to admit it’s nice to have it. The morning ritual is a little less crazy. I just have to remember this is only temporary, like a vacation, so I can’t get too used to it.
Sitting down at the table, everyone quietens down as they start eating. Even Jack, which won’t last long.
Mason is looking at me with interest. “How are you feeling this morning, Mia? You look tired,” he finally asks.
“Mommy sleepeded on the floor,” Jack proudly blurts out along with food that’s in his mouth.
“Jack, don’t talk with food in your mouth.” What I really want to say is, thanks buddy for throwing me under a bus.
“What?” Paige nearly chokes on her coffee.
“Everything okay?” Mason calmly asks while Paige gets her coughing under control.
“I’m fine. Stop stressing. I was just sitting on the floor watching the stars out the window for a little while, and I must have fallen asleep there. That’s all.” I try to hand Jack another piece of toast to keep him eating and spoon another mouthful of food into Kayla’s mouth.
“That can’t have been comfortable. We need to get a chair there for you so that doesn’t happen again.” I can see Paige already making a mental note to take care of that today.
“No. I don’t need a chair. Stop fussing, it’s fine.” Knowing no matter what I say, she’ll do it anyway.
“Mia, are you worried about today? With us leaving you alone?” Mason never holds back. He gets right to the point.
“No.” But I want to say yes.
“I don’t believe you, but if that’s what you’re telling me then we’ll run with that.” He takes his last bite of food on his plate.
“I won’t go to my meeting. I’ll stay home. I’ll cancel it.” Paige is already reaching for her phone.
“No! I can do this. Please, just stop with trying to fix it all. I have to do this on my own.” Taking the cloth, I wipe Kayla’s face, probably a little rougher than normal. Then I hand her the bottle of milk she’s been waiting for.
“Sorry,” I mumble. I take Jack’s plate and mine into to the kitchen to get away from them for a moment and pull myself together.
The chime of the elevator sounds to alert that someone is here. Hearing Mason’s chair moving, I know it will be Ashton. I need to pull back the bitchiness that just escaped.
“Hi, man. Thanks for coming today. I’ve got to leave shortly for the airport,” I hear Mason greeting him.
Deep breath.
Okay, I can do this.
Walking back to where everyone is standing, I feel my body tensing again.
Ashton is a big man. As tall as Mason and well-built. Just like you’d imagine a special forces guy would look. A few tattoos peeking from under his shirt sleeve, bulging muscles, and solid legs. His stance gives away the military background. Tall, straight back, feet slightly apart, and arms by his side. Wearing black cargo pants and a tight black t-shirt, you don’t need to guess how hard his abs are with them outlined through the material. This guy looks scary until he opens his mouth.
“Hi, Mia, how are you this morning?” His whole face softens as he sees me, and his eyes light up with kindness. My heart starts to remember the feelings of that first night where for some reason I wasn’t scared of him.
“Hello, Ashton.” I walk over to clean up Jack’s hands and face before I let him loose for the morning.
“I think I’ll stay home with you all today.” Paige is still fumbling with things on her phone.
“No, Paige, you have a meeting and I have a flight. You heard Mia, she’s fine here with Ashton. He will look after them all. If I had to trust anyone with your life, baby, it would be him, so I know I trust him to keep them all safe too. Now stop trying to contro
l things and go get ready for work. I’ll be up to say goodbye in a minute.” His tone is not one I’ve heard from him before. One of dominance but not in a harsh way.
