by Karen Deen
“For someone who’s not supposed to know this ‘crap’ you are pretty damn good at sorting out my head when I need it.” Mia giggles at me.
“Well, someone else’s life is always so much easier than your own. Besides, can I just say that I’ve never done deep and meaningful discussions with anyone before you. So, I think it’s more that I’m drawn to you which makes me in tune with you.”
I shrug my shoulders as she tries to avoid my eye contact for a moment. “Anyway, this is the part of my life I’m not extremely proud of, and sharing it with you seems wrong in so many ways, but if I’m going to do this then I need to tell you all of it.” Taking a deep breath, I look straight ahead because I don’t want to see the disappointment on her face.
“I’ve used women for sex.” I panic that came out the wrong way. “Shit, never in a harmful way, and every time it was completely consensual, but there was never any affection in it. We had sex, hot and hard. We both enjoyed it, but there was never anything more. To the point that I didn’t even bother sometimes to ask for their number. I had no intention of seeing them again. I suppose it came from never seeing my parents act with any affection towards each other. In fact, I don’t even know if they had sex. Besides when they had me, obviously. But I never heard them or even saw them touching each other. As a little boy, all I heard was them argue with each other or live the silent life that we all lived in that house. Of course, until we were out at a function and they were the perfect couple.” I sigh at the sadness in my father’s eyes. I think he’s stuck in a life he doesn’t want either, but he doesn’t have the guts to do anything about it.
Mia’s timid voice speaks up. “Lex, you said hard sex. You don’t mean like the pain stuff, do you? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that.”
“Fuck, sorry, baby. No, I’m not into BDSM. I could never do that to you. God, I am making a mess of this, I should have been clearer what I meant. Actually, I should have shut my mouth.” Feeling flustered.
“It’s okay Lex, as hard as it is, I think I have to hear it. I need to know everything, so I’m not left wondering or guessing what could be hiding under the surface. I won’t make that mistake in my life again.” Her face tells me it’s hard, but she is standing strong. Sighing I continue to explain myself.
“Hard sex for me is where I’m the one in control and I’m letting go of my pent-up frustrations and emotions. It’s purely physical. Shit, how do I explain this?” Trying to describe my sex life leaves me feeling tense.
“Mia, I’ve never made love to a woman. I’ve just fucked. Where we just get the gratification we both want. I’ve never wanted to worship a woman’s body like I want to worship yours. Or to make sure the pleasure is all about you. To take things slow and savor every moment. That hasn’t been something I’ve ever thought about.” I look at her for the first time since I started talking about my sex life. “Until you, baby. Now it’s all I think about.”
Just nodding at me, she seems calm but isn’t giving me too much of a clue on what she is really thinking.
“So how does Jacinta fit into all this with your mother?” Her voice now sounds a little stronger than her previous question.
“I knew her through my parents’ social circles as we were growing up. She’s a few years younger than me so when I went to high school which was an all-boys school, I didn’t see her as often. Then as I finished law school, my mother started talking about her every time I saw her, and where she was up to in her studies. Me being a boy in my early twenties, I wasn’t listening to anything from my mother. All I cared about was making a name for myself in the legal fraternity. There were plenty of women around for me to spend time with. I didn’t even pick up on the clues, or should I say subtle hints, my mother was trying to give me. Then life moved on for a while, and I didn’t hear about her for years. Later I found out it was because she had moved to England to finish her studies at Oxford University and stayed to work afterwards. She was in a serious relationship with someone she worked with. Unfortunately for her, after a few years it ended, and from reading between the lines I think he was cheating on her the whole time. The Jacinta that came home to Chicago was a woman who was married to the job. No emotions at all and ready to slay any man who stands in her way. But what it did do, was make her a damn good lawyer. One of the best in Chicago. So of course, I started coming up against her in the courtroom.”
“Let me guess, she pushed you to the limits and started beating you.” Mia actually laughs a little at this story.
“Yeah, she challenged me, and while it pissed me off, it turned me on too. I like that she doesn’t take shit from anyone, including me. So, one night we were at a charity function that my mother was hosting, and I was seated next to Jacinta. Which I thought was coincidental, but now I know was all orchestrated, by the master puppeteer, my mother. Anyway, we were drinking and discussing work, among other things. The drunker we got, the more I just wanted to have sex with her and see her for once without that hard-ass exterior. This is going to sound so disgraceful, but she was a challenge to me. Both in and out of the courtroom. So, we went home together that night. That was when I found out she was no better than I was. We just used each other for sex, and it was good for both of us. The next morning, she put forward a proposition like a business arrangement, which I see now is totally fucked up. That we would call each other whenever we needed sex. We meet, we get our satisfaction, and leave again, no strings attached, no emotions involved, and no talk about any work. Otherwise we would be in all sorts of professional trouble.” Taking a quick sideways glance at her again, to see if there is a look of disgust on her face, but I’m pleasantly surprised.
“That sounds very clinical, but after meeting her, something I can totally imagine. You both chase the high of winning a case in real life, you started playing the game of chasing that high against each other in another way.” Mia seems to understand this whole fucked-up situation better than I do.
“I suppose you’re right. I never looked at it that way, but it makes sense.”
“How long did this go on for?”
“Over six months. Mother started getting us tickets to events, and of course we always carried the persona of friendship. Then at the end of the night, we would fuck and then go home to our own beds. Sometimes I wouldn’t see her for a week, but then other weeks we would meet for five nights in a row if one of us needed it. Stress is massive in our world, and sex is the only relief I knew besides hanging out with the guys. I didn’t want to be one of those high-powered lawyers who is also an alcoholic, or worse, using drugs to get them through. So, this seemed like a harmless thing.” Looking back now, I see how toxic a situation it really was, for both of us.
“Yet it wasn’t harmless, was it?”
“No, and I hurt her which was never my intention. And not that she can see it, she hurt me too, just in a different way. We were supposed to say something if feelings ever started to develop for either of us. They never did for me. Instead I was drowning in my own life and just didn’t realize it. I knew I needed to stop seeing her and try to work out what it was I wanted in my life. So just before I met you, I told her it was over, and I couldn’t do it anymore. That it wasn’t healthy for either of us. That we both deserved more than that. A real relationship.”
Turning to Mia, I go on, “That was when I worked out the part I feel so terrible about. Jacinta had developed feelings for me, and I had no idea. When I asked to meet her, she thought it was to move us forward and I blindsided her. Let me tell you, as a lawyer, one thing you hate with a passion is to be hit from left field with new information. I know she seems like a bitch, and on the outside, she is, but I felt awful for hurting her. As time passed, I found out I shouldn’t have wasted my time. She played me even though she may have felt something for me. She and my mother had been planning this all along. I was supposed to marry Jacinta, make the perfect power couple. She would support me to fulfill my mother’s plans for me to end up in politics, and Jacinta wo
uld also get her boost in status.”
“This all sounds so far out of reality for me. I didn’t think this sort of thing happened anymore, you know, arranged marriages. That’s crazy, Lex.”
“It truly is. So, when I found out, you can imagine how gutted I felt. Yet I didn’t share it with anyone. Not even the boys know about this. It just made me understand the restlessness I had been feeling in my life. I had known for a while I wanted more. Hell, I needed more. I’ve been seeing the guys all find a woman who lights up their world and I wanted it too. Then I took the leap and I stood up to my mother for the first time in my life and told her no more. My life, my decisions. As you can imagine that didn’t go down well, and you saw yesterday the fallout from that. She is furious with me, yet I feel lighter than I have in years.”
“So, when she saw me, that was like a red flag to a bull.”
“You’ve got it, baby. A raging bull at that. She will calm down, but it’ll take time. I need to stand firm, and she’ll realize she either lets me live my own life and we have a relationship, or things will always be like this where she is cut from my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hurt and I’m angry at her, but I still want my parents in my life. Does that make sense?” Man, this shit is hard!
“To others probably not, but to me it makes total sense. I carry so much anger at my mother, but what I wouldn’t give to have her in my life in some way. And likewise, for my kids. I hurt for them knowing they will never have a father in their life. Some situations in our life just suck and we can’t do anything about it.” Picking up her own water, Mia takes a big gulp like she’s trying to control her own emotions.
“Truer words have never been spoken. And I’ve finally learned that. The only one that can change this life is me.” I reach out to grab her hand as she puts her water bottle down. “The amazing thing is, the moment I made that decision to change the way I looked at my world, you came running into it. Like the biggest sign that this is where I should be. Right here with you.” For the first time, I know what Mia is describing when she says she feels a sense of calmness from me. She is now pushing it back to me. Unloading so much that I’ve been holding for so long is uplifting and brings a sense of peace.
Maybe we were meant to run into each other that night.
From a life where I have felt manipulated and nothing felt right.
The moment I started to question if there was more for me and asked for a sign.
The universe delivered Mia to me.
In all her beautiful craziness, falling into my perfectly ordered world.
She needed me, but what she didn’t realize until now, was that I needed her too.
Just because life is a certain way, it doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.
We have the power to change that.
It just means shifting the way we perceive it.
I’ve found my perception.
I’ve found my one.
My Mia.
We both sit for a while in the quiet of the car, listening to the hum of the engine and tires on the road. No music, just the silence of our thoughts.
If there is one thing we both appreciate it’s the space we give each other. It’s not asked for yet understood and appreciated when it happens. Something about our connection of souls just knows when it’s needed.
About fifteen minutes has passed, and then Mia starts getting restless in her seat.
“What’s wrong, are you getting uncomfortable? Do you need to stop and stretch your legs?”
“Sorry, I didn’t want to say anything. But can we do a restroom stop, please? I should have gone before we left, like I would have made Jack do. I just wasn’t thinking.”
I can’t help but laugh.
“Christ, Mia, you should have just told me. Although I must say, I’m sure you’ve lasted longer than Jack would have. So gold star for you, Miss Mia.”
“You are such a smartass, seriously, Lex. Don’t make me laugh, otherwise I’ll be peeing my pants just like Jack does too. All over your nice leather seat.”
“Shit, we need to find the nearest place to stop then before that happens. I mean, we can’t finish this trip without some of my amazing jokes that’ll have you laughing in hysterics. And by the sounds of it, that could cause you a wee little problem.” I try not to laugh as I deliver the punchline.
“Oh my god, you did not just say that. Not helping, Lex.” She rolls her eyes at me.
“I know, but it was funny, right?”
“Oh yeah, freaking hilarious. How old are you?”
“Old enough to know that if I don’t stop right now you’re going to kill me.” I can’t help it now, the laughter is coming out.
“Good answer.”
I take her hand and lift it to my lips, giving it a light kiss. “Yes, because we don’t want to be telling the kids the story when we get home of the Princess and the Pea – or is that pee?” Before I know it, the hand I was kissing is now smacking me in the arm.
“Stop it, I hate you.” She’s now crossing her legs.
I call Ashton on my phone while she’s trying to distract herself.
“Lex, what’s up, man?” His voice surrounds us in the car.
“We just need to make a little stop to stretch our legs and a bathroom break for me. Will be pulling off just up here.”
“Perfect. Thanks, will see you shortly.” Hanging up the call, Mia just smiles at me.
“You could have told him it was for me, but thank you for your chivalry.”
“Who’s to say I don’t need to pee too?” I put on my signal to start pulling off the road. Looking for a parking spot.
“I love that you didn’t say that until now, so I couldn’t torture you and make you laugh. “You don’t play fair, Lex.” Her seat belt is coming off before the car is fully stopped.
“That comes from playing against the boys. There is no fairness in our games. It’s every man for themselves. You’ll need to remind me now I need to compensate for the lady.” We’re both out of the car and heading inside to the restrooms.
“Bullshit. Equal treatment in all things, remember? Game on, funny boy!”
Even by the time I’ve finished and washed my hands, I’ve still got the stupid grin on my face. I love when Mia’s true personality comes out. I can’t wait until her life is in a settled place and she feels safe to let her true self shine all the time in every situation.
Walking back out of the restroom, I find Ashton standing to the side just pretending to look through some magazines.
We give each other a chin lift as I get closer.
“How’s she doing so far?” he asks.
“Better than I expected. Although we sort of got a little distracted.”
“You’re seriously hitting on her in the car.” His deep chuckle starts.
“No, dickhead. Our conversation got distracted away from her, which wasn’t a bad thing. But it also means she hasn’t thought to call home once yet or watch the camera you set up. So, I’ll take that as a win.” I try to keep my voice low waiting for her to come out the door.
“It’s still early, buddy. Don’t expect her still to be talking to you by the time we get through this afternoon.” Ashton signals with his eyes that she’s approaching.
“That’s a risk I’m prepared to take.” I turn back to face her as she gets closer.
“Now I bet you wouldn’t mind a snack for the road. Let’s get something full of sugar while the kids aren’t with us. That way we don’t have to share or worry about getting Jack to sleep.” I take Mia’s hand and walk up the candy aisle.
“Who’s to say we don’t have a kid with us still.” Mia laughs at her own joke while Ashton walks past her laughing too.
“Oh, she just burned you, man. I like this one. I think we might keep her. She doesn’t let you get away with shit.” Ashton slaps me on the shoulder.
“You’re not keeping nothing, man. This sassy little lady is all mine now. Your job is to watch her, but you ever get any ideas ab
out anything further, man, and you will be fighting me.” I try to make it sound like I’m joking, but inside my heart is pumping. I know I’ll fucking kill anyone that tries to go near Mia.
“Umm, excuse me. Right here, gentlemen,” Mia says, pointing to herself. “If you want to try to go all macho on me, then you can both fuck off.”
“She just owned you both,” the lady behind the counter bursts out laughing.
“I totally did. Now they know who means business in this road trip.” Mia places her candy and chocolate on the counter and winks at me as she steps back for me to set mine down.
“It was never in doubt, bossy pants.”
Swiping my card, I bundle everything up including the little packet of stress relief suckers that I intend on giving Mia before we leave her, for the short period, once we get there.
The rest of the trip is uneventful until we get around fifteen minutes from Bellevue and the road signs start listing the town on them. I can see Mia’s whole body language changing, and if I’m honest with myself, I’m feeling it too. It’s a mixture of emotions of wanting to protect Mia, comfort her from how she’s feeling, and the aggression that’s building of wanting to beat the hell out of Edward for what he’s done to her. I know I can’t do that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
Looking across at her, I see that she’s watching the nanny cams we set up for her. Just reassuring herself that they’re fine. At times there’s a little half-smile, which means Jack’s probably doing something cute again.
To be honest, I’m like Mia and I just want to get this over with. The court hearing is actually the furthest thing from my mind because no matter what the judge awards, that bastard is never getting near Mia or the kids ever again.
I’ll make sure of that!
MIA
“I might just call Mason’s phone to talk to Jack for a bit before we get there if that’s okay?” Watching them is keeping a lid on my nerves that are building, but hearing his voice will be even better.
“Not Mason,” Lex jumps at me quite quickly. “Sorry, I mean not Mason’s phone, in case Ashton needs to talk to him about anything. Call Paige instead.” He’s getting a little jumpy too, but I’m not surprised. This is not the kind of place that Lex would be used to.
