'I'm very sorry,' he said. 'I can do nothing for you. You've had your chance, and you've refused to take it.'
'I've got to go tomorrow?'
'Yes.'
The gamekeeper turned his cap round nervously, and to his face came an expression of utter distress; he opened his mouth to speak, but no words came, only an inarticulate groan. He turned on his heel and walked out. Then Grace went up to Paul desperately.
'Oh, Paul, you can't do it,' she cried. 'You'll break the man's heart. Haven't you any pity? Haven't you any forgiveness?'
'It's no good, Grace. I'm sorry that I can't fall in with your wishes. I must do my duty. It wouldn't be fair to the other people on the estate if I let this go by without notice.'
'How can you be so hard!'
He wouldn't see, he couldn't see, that it was out of the question to drive Bridger away callously from the land he loved with all his soul; in one flash of inspiration she realized all that his little cottage signified to him, the woods and coverts, the meadows, the trees, the hedges: with all these things his life was bound up; like a growing thing, his roots were in the earth which had seen his birth and childhood, his marriage, and the growth of his children. She took hold of her husband's arms and looked up into his face.
'Paul, don't you know what you're doing? We've come nearer to one another of late. I've felt a new love grow up in my heart for you, and you're killing it. You won't let me love you. Can't you forget that you're this and that and the other, and remember that you're only a man, weak and frail like the rest of us? You hope to be forgiven yourself, and you're utterly pitiless.'
'My darling, it's for your sake also that I must be firm with this man. It's because you are so good and pure that I dare not be lenient.'
'What on earth d'you mean?'
She disengaged herself roughly from his arms and stepped back. Her face, without powder or rouge, was ashen grey, and in her eyes was a look of panic fear.
'I can't allow that creature to live in the same place as you. Because you're a virtuous and a good woman, it's my duty to protect you from all contact with evil. It horrifies me to think that you may meet her on your walks – her and her child.'
Mrs Castillyon's cheeks flamed with red, and there was such a catching at her throat that she put her hand to it.
'But I tell you, Paul, that compared with me that woman is innocent and virtuous.'
'Nonsense, my dear,' he laughed.
'Paul, I'm not what you think. That woman sinned because she was ignorant and unhappy, but I knew what I was doing. I had everything I wanted, and I had your love; there were no excuses for me. I was nothing better than a wanton.'
'Don't be absurd, Grace! How can you talk such rubbish?'
'Paul, I'm talking perfectly seriously. I've not been a good wife to you. I'm very sorry. It's best that you should know.'
He stared at her incredulously.
'Are you mad, Grace? What do you mean?'
'I've been – unfaithful.'
He said nothing, he did not move, but a trembling came over his fleshy limbs and his face turned deathly white. Still he could scarcely believe. She went on with dry throat, forcing out the words that came unwillingly.
'I'm unworthy of the love and confidence that you gave me. I've deceived you shamefully. I've committed – adultery!'
The word hit him like a blow, and with a cry of rage he stepped forward to his wife, cowering before him, and seized her shoulders. He seized her roughly, cruelly, with strong hands, so that she set her teeth to repress the cry of pain.
'What d'you mean? Have you been in love with someone else? Tell me who it is.'
She did not answer, looking at him in terror, and he shook her angrily; he was blind with rage now, in a condition which she had never seen before.
'Who is it?' he repeated. 'You'd better tell me,'
She shrank away from him, but he held her fast with ruthless hands, and he tightened them so that she could have screamed with pain.
'Reggie Bassett,' she cried at last.
He released her roughly, so that she fell against a table.
'You dirty little beast!' he cried.
Mrs Castillyon's breath came quickly. She felt about to faint, and steadied herself against the table; she was trembling still with the pain she had suffered; her shoulders ached from the violence of his hands. He faced her, looking as though even now he scarcely understood what she had said; he passed his hands over his face wearily.
'And yet I loved you with all my heart; I did everything I could to make you happy.' Suddenly he remembered something. 'The other night when you kissed me and said we must come closer together, what did you mean?'
'I'd just broken with Reggie for ever,' she gasped.
He laughed savagely.
'You didn't come back to me till he'd thrown you over.'
She stepped forward, but he put out his hands to prevent her.
'For God's sake, don't come near me, or I shall hit you.'
She stopped dead, and for a moment they confronted one another strangely. Then again he passed his hands across his face, as though he wished to push away some horrible thing before him.
'Oh God, oh God! what shall I do?' he moaned.
He turned away quickly, and sinking in a chair, hid his face and burst into tears. He sobbed uncontrollably, with all the agony and the despair of a man who has cast shame from him.
'Paul, Paul, for Heaven's sake don't cry; I can't bear it.' She went up to him, and tried to take away his hands. 'Don't think of me now; you can do what you like with me afterwards. Think of these wretched people. You can't send them away now.'
He pushed her away more gently, and stood up.
'No, I can't send them away now. I must tell Bridger that he and the girl can stay.'
'Go to them at once,' she implored. 'The man's heart is breaking, and you can give him happiness. Don't let them wait a minute longer.'
'Yes, I'll go to him at once.'
Paul Castillyon seemed now to have no will of his own, but acted as though under some foreign impulse. He went to the door, walking heavily as if grown suddenly old, and Grace saw him go out into the rain, and disappear into the mist of the approaching night. She stood at the window wondering what he would do, and imagined with a shiver of dismay the shame of proceedings for divorce; she looked at the great trees of Jeyston as though for the last time, and tried to picture to herself the life that awaited her. Reggie would make no offer of marriage, nor, if he did, would she accept, since no trace remained of her vehement passion, and she thought of him merely with loathing. She hoped the case, going undefended, would excite small attention; and afterwards she was rich enough in her own right to live on the Continent as she chose. At all events, peace of sorts would be hers, and she could drag out somehow the rest of her years; she was thankful now that she had no child from whom separation would be unendurable. Wearily Grace pressed her eyes.
'What a fool I've been!' she cried.
Quickly the events of her life marshalled themselves before her, and she looked back with shame and horror on her old self, flippant and egoistic, worthless.
'Oh, I hope I'm not like that now.'
The minutes passed like hours, so that she was surprised because Paul did not return; she glanced at the clock, and found that half an hour had gone. The Bridgers' cottage was not more than five minutes' walk from the house, and it was incomprehensible that Paul delayed so long. She was seized with fear of impending disaster, and the mad thought came that the gamekeeper, without waiting for his master's words, in his rage and grief had committed some horrible deed. She was on the point of sending a servant to see what had become of her husband. Suddenly she saw him running along the drive towards the house; dusk had set in, and she could not see plainly. At first she thought herself mistaken, but it was Paul. He ran with little quick steps, like a man unused to running, and his hat was gone; the rain pelted down on him. Quickly she flung open the glass doors that led into the gard
en, and he came in.
'Paul, what's the matter?' she cried.
He stretched out his hands to support himself against a chair; he was soaked to the skin, muddy and dishevelled; his large white face was set to an expression of sheer horror, and his eyes started out of his head. For a moment he pressed his hand to his heart, unable to speak.
'It's too late,' he gasped; and his voice was raucous and strange. It was a dreadful sight, this pompous man, ordinarily so self-composed, all disarrayed and terror-struck. 'For God's sake, get me some brandy!'
Quickly she went into the dining-room, and brought him a glass and the decanter. Though by habit so temperate that he drank little but claret and water, now with shaking hand he poured out half a tumbler of neat spirit, and hastily swallowed it. He took a handkerchief, and wiped his face, streaming with rain and sweat, and sank heavily into the nearest chair. Still his eyes stared at her as though filled with some ghastly sight; he made an effort to speak, but no words came; he gesticulated with aimless hands, like a madman; he groaned inarticulately.
'For Heaven's sake, tell me what it is,' she cried.
'It's too late! She threw herself in front of the London express.'
She stepped forward impulsively, and then some strange power seemed to pluck her back. She threw up her hands, and gave a loud cry of horror.
'Be quiet, be quiet!' he cried angrily. Then words came to him, and he uttered his story rapidly, voluble and hysteric; he was all out of breath, and did not think of what he spoke. 'I went down to the cottage, and Bridger wasn't there. He was at the public-house, and I went on. A man met me, running, and said there'd been an accident on the railway; I knew what it was. I ran with him, and we came to them just when they were taking her along. Oh God, oh God! I saw her.'
'Oh, Paul, don't tell me! I can't bear it.'
'I shall never get it out of my eyes.'
'And the child?'
'The child's all right; she didn't take it.'
'Oh, what have we done, Paul – you and I?'
'It's my fault,' he cried – 'only mine!'
'Have you seen Bridger?'
'No; they went to tell him, and I couldn't bear it any more. Oh, I wish I could get it out of my eyes.'
He looked at his hands and shuddered; then he got up.
'I must go and see Bridger.'
'No, don't do that. Don't see him now when he's mad with drink and rage. Wait till tomorrow.'
'How are we going to spend the night, Grace? I feel I shall never sleep again.'
Next day, when Mr Castillyon came downstairs, his wife saw that he had slept as badly as herself; for though dressed now very carefully in the rough tweeds of the country gentleman, his face was drawn and white, his eyes heavy with watching. He advanced to kiss her as usual, but on a sudden stopped, and a flush rapidly darkened his cheek; he drew back, and without a word sat down to breakfast. Neither could eat, and after a decent interval, meant to impress the servants that nothing very unusual had happened, Paul rose heavily to his feet.
'Where are you going?' she asked. 'You'd better not go to Bridger's; he's been drinking hard all night, and he might hurt you. You know he's violent-tempered.'
'D'you think I should care if he killed me?' he answered hoarsely, his face distorted by a look of dreadful pain.
'Oh, Paul, what have I done!' she cried, breaking down.
'Don't talk of that now.'
He moved towards the door, and she sprang up.
'If you are going to see Bridger, I must come, too. I'm so afraid.'
'Would you mind if anything happened to me?' he asked bitterly.
She looked at him with utter pain.
'Yes, Paul.'
He shrugged his massive shoulders, and together in silence they walked along the drive. The fine weather of the last three weeks was gone, and the day was chilly, and an east wind blew. A low white mist lay over the park, and the dripping trees were very cheerless. No sign of life was seen at Bridger's cottage, but the little garden, usually so trim and neat, was trampled and torn, as though many men had gone carelessly over the beds. Paul knocked at the door and waited, but no answer came; he lifted the latch, and followed by Grace, walked in. Bridger, seated at the table, was looking straight in front of him, stupefied still with grief and liquor. He gazed vacantly at the intruders, as though he recognized them not.
'Bridger, I've come to tell you how dreadfully sorry I am for the awful thing that has happened.'
The sound of the voice seemed to bring the man to his senses, for he gave a low cry and lurched forward.
'What d'you want? What 'ave you come here for? Couldn't you leave me alone?' He stared at Paul, rage gradually taking possession of him. 'D'you still want me to go – me and the boys? Give us time, and we'll clear.'
'I hope you'll stay. I want to do everything I can to make up for your horrible loss. I can't tell you how deeply I blame myself. I would give anything that this dreadful thing hadn't occurred.'
'She killed 'erself so as I shouldn't be turned off. You're a hard master – you always was.'
'I'm very sorry. In future I will try to be gentler to you all. I thought I only did my duty.'
Mr Castillyon, that man so conscious of his dignity, had never before spoken to his inferiors in apologetic tones. Apt to take others to account, he had never dreamed that some day himself might need to make excuses.
'She was a good girl, after all,' said Bridger. 'In her heart she was as good as your wife, Squire.'
'Where's the child?' asked Grace, almost in a whisper.
He turned upon her savagely.
'D'you want that, too? Aren't you satisfied yet? Has the child got to go, too, before we stay?'
'No, no!' she cried hastily. 'You must keep the child, and we'll do all we can to help you.'
Paul looked at the man.
'Won't you shake hands with me, Bridger? I should like you to tell me you forgive me.'
Bridger drew back his hands and shook his head. Paul saw that no good could come of staying, and turned to the door. The gamekeeper's eye, following him, caught sight of his gun, which leaned against a chair; he stretched out his hand and took it. Grace gave a start, but managed to repress her cry of alarm.
'Squire!' he called.
'Well?'
Paul turned round, and when he saw that the man held that weapon in his hand he straightened himself; he looked at him steadily.
'Well, what do you want?'
Bridger stepped forward, and roughly gave the gun into his master's hand.
'Take it and keep it, Squire. I swore last night I'd blow your bloody brains out, and swing for it. I'm not fit to have this gun yet. Keep it, or if I get in drink I'll kill you.'
An indescribable look of pride came into Paul's face, and the humiliation and shame were banished. Grace's heart beat fast when she saw what he was about to do, and a sob broke from her. He gave back the gun.
'You'll need it for your work,' he said coldly. 'I don't think I'm afraid. I will take my chance of your wanting to shoot me.'
The man looked with wonder at his master, and then violently flung the gun into the corner of the room.
'By God!' he said.
Paul waited for one moment to see if Bridger had anything more to say, then gravely opened the door for his wife.
'Come, Grace.'
He walked with long steps back to the house, and for the first time in her life Grace admired her husband; she felt that, after all, he was not unworthy of his authority. She touched his arm.
'I'm glad you did that, Paul. I felt very proud.'
He removed his arm quickly, so that she shrank away.
'Did you think I was likely to be afraid of my gamekeeper?' he answered disdainfully.
'What are you going to do about me?' she asked.
'I don't know yet. I must think it over. All that you told me last night was true?'
'Quite true.'
'Why did you tell me?'
'It was the only wa
y to save those people. If I'd had the courage to do it a couple of hours earlier, that poor girl wouldn't have killed herself.'
He said no more, and silently they reached the house.
For some days Paul made no reference to his wife's confession, but went about the work of his estate, his Parliamentary labours, with stolid method, and only Grace's new sympathy discerned the awful torment from which he suffered. He took care to speak naturally before the servants and his brother, but avoided to be alone with her. His back seemed strangely bent, and he walked with a listless torpor, as though his large limbs were grown suddenly too heavy to bear; his fleshy face was drawn and sallow, his eyelids puffy from want of sleep, and his eyes dim. At length Grace could stand her misery no longer; she went to the library, where she knew he was alone, and softly opened the door. He sat at the table with Blue-Books and paper spread in front of him, striving industriously to fit himself for the duties which he took so seriously; but he did not read: he rested his face on his hands, staring straight in front of him. He started when his wife entered, and looked at her with harassed eyes.
'I'm sorry to disturb you, Paul, but we can't go on much longer in this way. I want to know what you're going to do.'
'I don't know,' he said. 'I wish to do my duty.'
'I suppose you're going to divorce me.'
He gave a groan, and pushing back his chair, stood up.
'Oh, Grace, Grace, why did you do it? You know how I worshipped you; I would have given my life to save you a moment's uneasiness. I trusted you with all my soul.'
'Yes, I know all that. I've repeated it to myself a thousand times.'
He looked at her so helplessly that she could not restrain her pity.
'Would you like me to go away? Your mother can easily come down to you, and you can talk it over with her.'
'You know what she'd advise me to do,' he cried.
'Yes.'
'D'you want me to divorce you?'
She gave him a look of utter agony, but would not allow the gathering tears to fall from her eyes; with fierce self-reproach, she wished to excite in him no atom of commiseration. He glanced away, with a certain shame of his next question.
Merry Go Round Page 26
