by Varsha Dixit
A knock on the door caused the three Wallflowers to stop.
“It’s open!” Meher called out as she slid off the bed.
Pushing the door, Gina came in. She went straight to Doyal and hugged her. “Thank you so much, Doy!”
Doyal returned the embrace with equal warmth while Meher and Kyra looked on indulgently. “It’s okay Ginny! Don’t cry.”
Gina pulled apart. Her eyelashes were sticking to each other, her nose and cheeks were red and puffy. “I’m just so happy! I owe it all to you three. I can never repay you all.” She beckoned Kyra and Doyal.
The four Wallflowers joined arms and indulged in a group hug. “After five years!” Meher sniffed.
“I’m sorry I went away.” Gina said.
“Forget all that!” Doyal said.
“To staying!” Kyra announced.
“To staying!” The other three Wallflowers echoed.
Chapter 15
Next day
Late Night
Meher’s Apartment
Meher was sitting in front of the TV but her thoughts were somewhere else. She didn’t really taste the food she was eating. After many days, it was just Meher by herself in her apartment. It was all very quiet. Doyal and Kyra had left today morning, and Gina had shifted with her parents to a hotel.
Meher put her plate down. She chewed on the side of her thumb. What do I do? Should I talk to Gina or not?
The front doorbell chimed. Unsure who it might be, Meher smoothed her hair and wiped her hands on the napkin as her maid opened the door.
“Hi Gina!” Meher smiled as Gina came inside. “I was just thinking about you.”
“Hi Mahi!” Gina sat down, looking far from happy. “It was awful!”
Meher leaned forward. “What was awful?”
“Dinner with Ritesh and my parents,” Gina confided, rubbing her head.
“Shit! What happened?”
“Ritesh asked about Papa’s finances, the dealership said some silly things about me.” Gina raised her hands to the ceiling.
Meher hid her smile. The Gina sitting in front of her sounded so much like the Gina from five years ago. Gina was wearing eyeliner and gloss, just like she did in college. There was color in her cheeks, her hair shiny and loose and no longer in a tight ponytail that pulled on the skin of her cheeks. Her clothes still needed some work, Meher thought, but did not say it. “Ritesh needs some serious schooling.”
Gina rubbed her eyes. “Papa left dinner midway. Ma was trying to be all supportive and then she talked to Ritesh’s mother. Now she too is upset with me.”
“Hmm!” continued Meher as she chewed on her finger’s cuticle. “Now?”
Gina fell back on the sofa. “I don’t know. What will I do Mahi?” She whined.
“Whatever you do, don’t move to another city,” Meher said.
“Now that’s an idea,” Gina snorted.
Meher watched Gina quietly.
Gina turned her head and caught Meher’s expression. “What happened? You look worried!”
Meher opened her mouth but then closed it without saying anything.
Gina leaned toward Meher. “What is it? You look seriously worried.”
Meher made her mind up. “What I’m about to tell you just react to it as you please. There is no expectation among any of us that you have to do something about it. You are absolutely free to ignore this.”
Unknowingly, Gina fingered her bracelet. Her eyes clouded. “You are worrying me. What is it, Mahi? Please tell me.”
Meher reached for the remote and shut the TV off. “Doyal and I think Ojas is suicidal.”
Unblinking, Gina stared at Meher for several seconds. “How? What?” she fumbled.
“PTSD, Ginny. The trauma of the attack, the guilt of what he did with you. Survivor’s guilt too, that Ojas survived and his friend died.”
Gina’s jaw went slack and she went still as a statue, her eyes wide.
“Doyal spent some time with him. She seriously thinks that Ojas could be heading in a bad direction.”
Gina covered her eyes. “I don’t need this right now.” She lowered her eyes. “It’s not my fault.”
Doyal squeezed Gina’s hand. “Of course it is not, Ginny! You don’t owe Ojas a thing. But will you be okay if he hurts himself?”
Gina shook her head, her expression dazed. “As his ex-wife or as a human being?”
“What you do next is your call. We are completely on your side. Saying it again, you owe no one anything. It’s time you focused on your happiness. But in my opinion Ojas has been suffering too. All this acting out of character for the last five years has been because he is disturbed mentally. He went through a lot in one night. Think about it, Ginny.”
Gina squinted as she rubbed her leg.
Mahi continued, “Now he has suddenly become conscious and woken up to the biased and wrong actions he has orchestrated. There is no one else to blame but himself. Ojas must be severely hurting in the head and in the heart, Ginny. A lot.” Mahi said the last word slowly for emphasis.
Gina’s face became pale. She felt hot and cold all over. “All alone with negative thoughts, the guilt of hurting the ones you love. The feeling that you are the worst person alive on this planet. Why does all that sound familiar?” She jerked to her feet. Her chest felt tight. The thought that Ojas could fatally hurt himself filled her with dread.
Meher looked up. “Where are you going?”
“Just pray I’m not too late.” Gina hurried to the front door.
Chapter 16
Ojas sat in his office. The room was dark. Ojas felt like all energy had flown out of his body. A strange chill permeated his mind. Ojas was hunkered down in his leather chair wearing a thick woolen jacket but the shivers kept coming. Moving hurt, thinking hurt, and even breathing seemed like a laborious task. Ojas had never experienced such despondency in his life. Not even when he had lost his friend and career. That time he had felt anger, deep-seated burning anger that had incinerated anyone and everyone close to him. Burned everything so hard so fast that there weren’t even ashes left to gather.
Gina and her parents have found their way to each other. So at least that is off the list.
Ojas rested his head back on the leather chair as tears seeped from the side of his eyes. He was too exhausted to wipe them. His mouth was dry and his head was pounding. Ojas knew what his body was craving for—a drink. A drink that would soon become more drinks and then would gradually push him in deep dark oblivion where he could stay as long as he wanted.
Ojas looked at the bottle filled to the brim with golden liquid that he had placed in front of him on the desk. His favorite scotch.
But there was something else on the desk that was beckoning him, calling out to him, promising redemption and an end to his misery and sadness. A gleaming black .22 revolver.
My will would be ready to execute tomorrow. Ojas leaned over and picked up the gun in his hand. He felt its weight. It was cold to touch yet comforting.
A sudden urgent knocking on the window behind him caused Ojas to jerk. He swiveled his chair toward the window.
Ojas thought he was hallucinating. There was no other explanation for Gina to be at the window, knocking urgently.
***
Ojas shut the drawer on his fingers as he put the gun inside and closed it. Wincing, he got to his feet and limped to the side door of his office that opened to the garden.
Gina came inside and turned to Ojas, her manner agitated. “What were you doing? Why were you holding a gun? Are you drunk?” Her eyes kept darting around the room.
Ojas couldn’t meet her eyes. He backed away from her, a painful lump in his throat. His shoulders were hunched. “You should leave, Gina.” His voice was hoarse.
Gina walked around the desk and fell in the chair opposite to him. “You can’t do this to me. Just when it seems there could be a chance things might get better for me, you are trying to hurt yourself. How much do you hate me, Ojas?” Her voice held n
o anger, just anguish. Her gaze was accusatory.
Ojas raised his head, blinking his eyes. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to free you. If I were gone,” He swallowed, gripping the backrest of his chair. “You can truly be rid of the bad memories of your past.”
Gina sat back. The panic in her widened eyes seemed to dissipate. “It doesn’t work like that,” she said softly. “Your dying will solve nothing. It will finish your parents, your brother and leave me guilt-ridden. I’ll keep thinking why I came back home. I never wanted your death.”
Ojas stared at a spot on his desk and Gina watched him. “I eclipsed your happiness. I took away everything from you—your family, your friends, your happiness, our ba—” Ojas could not finish his sentence. He simply put his head down on the table and stayed there.
Gina mouth moved but she couldn’t say anything. Her shoulders drooped and her chest constricted. “You know about the baby?”
Ojas nodded but did not raise his head. “I heard you talking to your friends. I’m so sorry.” His voice was thick and muffled.
Gina raised her hand to comfort Ojas but paused. She dropped her hand. “You can’t change the past but you can plan a future,” she spoke softly. “My therapist says that to me.”
Ojas sat up. He made a poor show of dabbing at his eyes using a tissue. He nodded. “You were not at fault at all. It was all me.” He suddenly looked up. “Why didn’t you tell me, Gina? You came so far to meet me. Why didn’t you say anything?”
Gina gripped her beads and took in a few deep breaths. She searched for words and an explanation. “I don’t know. Probably because so much was happening and all of it was awful. I was scared, young, and such a coward. My mind and body couldn’t take it all.” Her voice broke. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks. “I couldn’t save the baby.”
Instinctively, Ojas leaned across the desk and put his hand out. “Don’t say that, sweetheart!” He addressed Gina by the endearment he had often used for her in the past.
Gina could not stop herself from taking his hand. It was warm and familiar. She gripped it tightly. Her shoulders were pushed forward, her voice low and her eyes were completely focused on Ojas. “Promise me you will live. Promise me you won’t weaken. You will take care of yourself and get professional help. You must. If you hurt yourself, you will be hurting me more. After many years of suffering, I’m just about to start something good. I have a shot at being happy again. Promise me you won’t spoil it for me this time. Promise me, Ojas!”
Ojas and Gina gazed at each other for minutes in shared pain. In that moment, in a dimly lit room facing each other, Gina and Ojas did not feel alone. They both experienced hope.
Then Gina withdrew her hand and lowered her eyes. His pain had opened a window in her heart. She fidgeted in her chair and shifted her feet. Ojas’s warmth lingered on her skin. She wanted that warmth. Her treacherous mind was recalling the immense love she once had for this man.
Ojas took a few deep breaths fighting for composure and then asked, “How did you get better?”
Still avoiding Ojas’s eyes, Gina held up her hand with the bracelets. “Invested in cheap jewelry.”
Ojas’s face held awe. “You are very brave, Gina.”
Shrugging, Gina stared at her plain nails. “Also, I got a good therapist. It takes a while but one day, you wake up and it doesn’t hurt that much.” Gina looked at Ojas. “You have already started doing the most important thing on the path of healing.”
Ojas exhaled. “What is that?”
“Making amends, seeking forgiveness from those you have hurt.”
Ojas raised his eyebrow. “How did I do that?”
“My family. You brought them back in my life. Doyal told me what you did. Sorry about that.” Gina pointed at Ojas’s left side of the face.
Ojas touched the bruises that covered most of his face on that side. It was still tender. “I did not know your father could hit like that or I would have apologized from a distance.”
Gina grimaced. “Sorry!”
“Don’t be. I deserve much worse.”
They both were quiet for a few minutes as Gina stared at the floor and Ojas stared at her with acute longing.
“But I haven’t apologized to one I hurt the most. You. With you I was the devil.”
Gina looked up, her eyes wide and her mouth slack.
Ojas let her see the tears that pooled in his eyes. “I’m very sorry, Gina.”
Gina clamped her lips and shook her head. Her throat felt raw. “Yes, you were the devil to me.” Her voice, unknowingly, rose. “Did you ever feel any guilt for what you did? Did you ever think of me?”
Ojas’s face took on a defeated look. “Guilt no, anger yes. I thought of you nearly every other moment every day. Even the women I hired resembled—”
“Don’t!” Gina cut him off, averting her face. She rubbed her collarbone. “I guess I’m not ready to forgive you. Not now!” She exhaled.
“You never have to forgive me.”
Gina rubbed her jaw. She changed the topic. “You should not be alone. I have called Puru. He is taking the first flight he can get. He is probably already on the plane.”
Ojas was too tired to argue. “Puru! You must really hate me.” He repeated what Gina had said to him earlier. They were quiet for a few seconds then Ojas asked. “Is everything okay between you and your parents?”
Gina nodded. “We are getting there.” She did not share her parent’s reaction to Ritesh.
“Good. May I ask you why you were at the window instead of the front door?”
“I rang the bell a few times. Nobody answered.”
Ojas nodded. “I gave everybody a day off.”
Their eyes met. Nothing needed to be said. They both knew why Ojas had given the house help the day off.
Gina felt her stomach drop. She fingered her bracelets. “I don’t want you to die,” she blurted.
Ojas covered his face with his hands. “I have become a weeping pot.”
“You weren’t before?” Gina tried to tease through her tears.
Ojas shook his head but kept his face covered.
Gina saw his slumped shoulders, his quivering hands, and the purple bruise visible behind his hands. She could not stop herself. Getting up, she walked around the desk. Bending down, she put her arms around Ojas and gathered him to her.
Ojas fell on Gina and silent sobs shook his body. Their arms came around each other and Gina ended up on his lap. Gina held Ojas tightly and Ojas held her close. Neither had any recollection of how long they stayed there, heads tucked against each other, their arms holding the other, giving an outlet to a pain they shared.
Few minutes later, Gina was the first to raise her head from Ojas’s shoulder. They gazed at each other.
“We must look a sight!” Gina said, suddenly conscious of how close she was to Ojas, perched on his legs. She could feel the strength of his muscles through her jeans. His breath was warm on her face.
“You always look beautiful,” Ojas said, his hands still resting lightly around her waist. Gina always felt so good in his arms. Holding her, he felt like he could overcome anything. If he was drowning, which he knew he was, Gina was the straw.
I can survive for her. For her happiness, I will live.
Gina slowly inched off his lap and Ojas dropped his arms to his side. Grabbing some tissue, she walked to the far side of the room, presenting her back to Ojas, wiping her eyes and nose.
Clearing his throat, Ojas too got to his feet. He needed some water. The mini fridge in the office was empty. “I need water. I’ll get it from the kitchen. Do you want some?”
Gina nodded, still not looking at him. “Sure.”
Ojas walked out of his office. The rest of the house was dark. He rubbed his chest and then went to the kitchen, switching on all the lights on the way.
When Ojas came back with the bottles of water, Gina was sitting back in the chair. “Here!”
“Thanks!” She gave Ojas a sideways
glance. “Feeling any better?”
Ojas pulled the chair and sat next to her. He maintained some distance between them. “I feel better. You probably don’t believe me?”
“No, I do. You will feel better but the feeling is temporary. It is easy and quite usual to slip back in a negative state of mind,” Gina said. “You should get rid of all temptations.” She was looking at the bottle of scotch on his desk.
“You should be my therapist.” Ojas said, gazing at her. His eyes shone like wet grass after a rain.
Stop looking at me like that! The Ojas who was staring at her now was the Ojas she had fallen in love with once upon a time. “I should be going.”
“Help me,” Ojas leaned forward.
Gina fumbled. “What?”
“Help me empty all the bottles. With you around I feel stronger,” Ojas confessed, ducking his head as he wet his lips.
A ‘No’ hovered on the tip of Gina’s tongue yet the vulnerability she saw in Ojas’s face changed her mind. A few minutes later, Gina found herself emptying expensive alcohol bottles in the kitchen sink.
Ojas was doing the same in the sink of the guest bathroom, adjacent to the kitchen. Still feeling like she might be dreaming, Gina watched the pale gold liquid gurgle down the drain. Papa and Ma are back in my life, so are my best friends. Ojas has apologized and he is making amends. Warmth surged through her body and she leaned back, relaxed.
In the last few years, Gina had read a lot about therapy, self-forgiveness, and self-healing. She knew that her family’s forgiveness, acceptance of her friends, and Ojas and her combined grieving was a big step toward her permanent healing. Layers and layers of self-doubt, negativity, fear, and shame had been stripped off her. I have done my time! A smile grew, unguarded and buoyant, on her face.
Gina experienced such peace of mind that her body felt weightless. She had to put down the bottle and grab the sink so she wouldn’t slip to the ground.
“Gina, are you okay?” Ojas suddenly appeared on her side. He gripped her waist.
“I’m fine!” Gina turned to him, her face aglow with the happiness inside her. “I’m really and truly going to be fine.” Her eyes sparkled with awe and her smile came from her heart. “And so are you. I just know it.”
