by Jenny Lee
Marrying Steven’s mother, Greer, was not only about love, but also about Edward’s desire that his future children would travel an easier road than he did. Edward had the money and the intelligence, but it was Greer’s old-family name that opened the right doors in society. Edward warned his son that as a half-Korean, half-white man, Steven would face racism, not as overtly as he had, but in subtler ways. Steven needed to understand it would always be present. Steven’s father told him how he would never truly fit in with Koreans or with Caucasians; however, if Steven played his cards right, his own future children would have it easier. He could not afford to fuck up, and as far as Edward was concerned, Steven was a disappointment from the moment he got kicked out of Collegiate in the fifth grade.
Steven hated the pressure, always feeling torn between being the person his father expected him to be and figuring out who he wanted to be for himself. Steven wished he could tell Anna the truth, but he could never bring himself to do it. “God, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to yell. I’m just … I know you’re trying to help. I’m just an insecure asshole.”
Anna ignored her brother’s outburst. “I’m happy to help, Steven, but you can’t see this Marcella ever again. And you must break it off over the phone or text. You’re too weak to do it in person.” Anna knew she was being harsh, but it was time for a little tough love.
“Do you think Lolly will take me back?” he asked.
“Are you one hundred percent sure you want to stay together?” Anna asked. “I mean, really think about it, Steven, you can’t do this to her again. Seriously. And if there’s a next time, don’t even think about calling me—”
“I do want her back! And I won’t cheat.” Steven sighed. “But do you think she’ll take me back?”
Anna looked out the window into the snowy night. “I don’t know. She probably will … but you do know she’s much too good for you, right?”
“I know,” Steven said, feeling his sister’s disappointment, wanting to be a better person not only for Lolly and Anna, but for his father as well. It just didn’t seem right that it was so fucking hard to be good.
IX
The car pulled up to their building and the doorman rushed over to open Anna’s door. She turned to her brother. “Give me an hour alone with her. Go and get Lolly’s favorite dessert.” She stared him down. “You do know what your girlfriend’s favorite dessert is, don’t you?”
“Joe Allen’s banana cream pie. But Anna, c’mon, the shows are getting out now. Times Square will be insane…” He stopped talking immediately, her gaze burning a hole in his forehead. “I’ll be back in an hour.”
Anna smiled at the doorman, who was holding an umbrella and waiting for her to exit the car. She took his hand and stepped to the curb with purpose.
Upstairs in the apartment she made two cups of Dulsão do Brasil and grabbed a couple of coconut waters before walking down the hallway toward her parents’ room. Anna had only lived full time in this apartment when she was in elementary school, even though she still had a bedroom here. She loved so much about the city, but lately she preferred it in smaller doses. She felt most like her true self when she was on one of her Dutch Warmbloods, Mark Antony (named for the cartoon bulldog and not the Roman politician) or Cleo (named for the tiny cat who liked to snuggle in Mark Antony’s fur), or when she was romping around in the backyard with her Newfoundlands, Gemma and Jon Snow.
She knocked and told Lolly she wanted to talk to her alone, adding that she thought they should do so while trying on her mom’s clothes. She never doubted Lolly would refuse her, and she was right, Lolly opened the door right away. Anna entered, offering Lolly her choice of Nespresso or a coconut water. Lolly reached out for the coconut water, twisted off the top, and chugged it down. Crying for hours over an undeserving boyfriend certainly made a girl thirsty. After Lolly calmed down, the girls dressed in never-before-worn Japanese silk robes they had excavated from deep within Anna’s mom’s closet. Anna told Lolly she could keep the kimono she was wearing (pale pink with cherry blossom trees in a repeating pattern) because she was positive her mom didn’t even remember she had it. Anna explained that her mother once told her that although her parents were fine with her dating Anna’s father during Yale Law, they were shocked when she announced that they were engaged. Though her parents were much too WASPy and polite to say so, she knew they weren’t thrilled she was marrying a Korean man. To make matters worse, her parents threw her an over-the-top lavish engagement party with an Asian theme to it. As if they were announcing to the world: “See, everyone! Our daughter Greer loves all things Asian. Even the men! Not our fault.”
Anna’s mother had been horrified by the party, of course, but she never told her parents how she felt. Anna’s father, meanwhile, who certainly had the most right to be upset about the party, took the whole thing in stride. He was used to racism in all its forms, but Anna’s mom was shocked by it. For the first few years of their married life, Anna’s mom kept receiving Asian-themed gifts, sushi plates, fancy chopsticks, and very expensive Japanese kimonos. Anna’s mom said it pissed her off at first, because she felt they were given as a slight, but eventually she got over it and realized that most people were stupid and had no idea that Asia was divided into many different countries, each with their own distinct histories and cultures. Now twenty-one years later, she and Anna’s father were still married, while most everyone else in their social circle was on their second or third divorce. Greer said she couldn’t believe it used to upset her so much when she was younger, meaning that their marriage had withstood the scrutiny and skepticism of others for years now, and thus was stronger for it. But that still didn’t mean she ever wore the kimonos.
“Well, I heart this robe and I’m going to wear it forevs, and it’s nuts your dead grandparents weren’t into your dad. I mean, he’s why your brother is like crazy fucking hot. I mean everyone knows if you mix in a little Asian, you’ll get beautiful kids. Look at you! I’d kill for your skin. Tell me the truth, when was the last time you shaved your legs, even?” Lolly ran her hand across Anna’s smooth and hairless shin. Which is when Anna realized that Lolly had entirely missed the main point of her story, which was that time heals all wounds. Lolly was sweet, but she wasn’t the brightest flame in the candelabra.
Anna lay down on her back and looked at the ceiling. Above her parents’ bed was a new Baccarat crystal chandelier that was dazzling when on but seemed foreboding when off. It was currently off. “Oh my god, I’m so full of pie I could burst,” Anna groaned, closing her eyes to it. The banana cream pie that Steven had left outside the door an hour ago was now half gone.
Lolly rolled on her back, too, and then let out a very long and deep sigh. “I don’t know how I can stay with him, Anna. I’m just so humiliated.” Anna didn’t have to look over at her brother’s girlfriend to know she was crying again. This was how the entire night had gone: one moment they were laughing and telling each other stories, the next moment Lolly was crying and lamenting that her life was ruined. Anna had no problem with girls who cried, because she herself had cried over a dog she had never met earlier that evening. So, she was in no way cry-shaming Lolly, but Anna did find herself surprised by the sheer number of tears she produced. Anna wondered how her friend could have any tears left. The waterworks strengthened Anna’s resolution that something could be done about this terrible predicament. Though what the perfect solution was to be, Anna still had no idea.
Lolly now rolled onto her stomach. “I mean, he pretty much ruined Hermès for me. Like forevs. How can I ever see their ‘H’ again without remembering what happened to me there?”
Anna had always been told she had a gift when it came to animals, having soothed many a stubborn horse in her day. She assumed the key was that she was a very patient person by nature, so her grand plan in dealing with Lolly was to keep the night going for as long as it took. Eventually Lolly would grow tired and decide what she was going to do one way or another.
Going along w
ith this supposition, Anna tried some of the techniques that had worked on horses. She was careful to keep her voice low and steady when she spoke. Next, she brushed out Lolly’s long golden hair (remembering what one of her riding instructors had told her about brushing a horse: long strokes to keep them calm). After the brushing, the two girls looked up fun hairstyles, and, following a video from the Braid Queen of YouTube, Anna gave Lolly the Princess Leia double side bun look. The entire time Anna played with Lolly’s hair she reassured her that although she was understandably upset now, she was through the worst of it and things could only get better. Anna didn’t know if this was true, but right now she knew she had to believe it if they were to make it through this night together.
Clearly, a lot of what was driving Lolly’s misery was fear. Fear of having to make a definitive decision about her romantic life. Fear of making the wrong decision about it. Fear of loss if she broke up with Steven. Fear of hating herself if she didn’t break up with him. Fear of having no boyfriend and being single again in the wilds of Manhattan. Fear of looking for a new bf and not finding anyone better. And the big one, fear of dying unloved and all alone.
“What about the fear of loving the wrong guy?” Anna asked.
“You mean the wrong guy ’cause your brother sucks a bag of dicks?” Lolly asked in all seriousness.
“No,” Anna said. “I mean what if you spend your whole life loving the wrong guy?”
“Elaborate, please,” Lolly said, reaching for the pie box again.
“I mean, I know I love Alexander, but what if he’s the wrong guy? Like what if there was some other guy who I’m supposed to love that was … better? For me.” As soon as she said the words out loud, she regretted it. She needed to stop thinking about that moment when Alexia Vronsky turned to face her on the train. It was impossible that he could be as gorgeous as she remembered him.
“Impossible!” Lolly cried, echoing Anna’s secret thoughts. “Alexander is the best guy on the planet. He would never in a million billion years do to you what Steven did to me. Oh god, are you and Alexander having problems, too? Because if that’s the case, then I should give up now.” Lolly let out a melodramatic sigh. “I mean, if the world’s most perfect couple can’t make it work, then what hope is there for the rest of us?”
Anna sat up suddenly. “No, no, Alexander and I are fine. He’s perfect. We’re happy. Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I don’t even know what made me ask that. I’m just tired, I guess. And since we were listing fears, I thought I’d throw one of my own in the ring.” Anna rarely opened up to her friends about her relationship with Alexander, and when she did broach the subject, everyone always had the same reaction as Lolly: that her boyfriend was perfect and she was lucky to have him. When other girls complained about their boyfriends, Anna found she rarely shared their problems. The only complaint she had about her relationship was that sometimes she found it a little dull, but she assumed this was because they had been together for so long already.
Anna stood and walked around the room to regain her focus. She needed to come up with a new approach. Now was definitely not the time to begin questioning her own heart.
X
Kimmie was having a much better time at Serendipity 3 with Dustin than she thought she would. Their initial meeting at Steven’s New Year’s Eve party had left her with a completely different impression of him. They had only spoken for a few minutes on Steven’s rooftop, and she barely remembered what they had talked about. Normally she had a flawless memory for conversations, but her poor recollection could be blamed on the Veuve Clicquot that had her more than a little tipsy.
On the elevator up to the party, Lolly had specifically told Kimmie, “Make sure you eat something before you start throwing back champagne.” Kimmie hadn’t experimented with alcohol like most kids her age due to the fact she was always in training, so she basically had no tolerance. She had had every intention of heeding her sister’s advice so she “wouldn’t end up the puke-and-rally girl or passed out in a pile of coats” as Lolly had warned, but that entire evening had gone in a direction she never could have imagined.
It wasn’t fair to blame her sister for what happened, but Kimmie did feel Lolly could have at least walked her around the party, maybe introduced her a bit before abandoning her to go find Steven as soon as they walked in the door. The party was already in full swing because they had arrived much later than planned. (Kimmie had watched her sister taking selfies in different dresses to see which one looked the best in different lighting for what seemed like hours.) Kimmie tried to push her way into the living room but instead found herself jammed into the corner right next to a hideous ice sculpture fountain, when a cute guy sporting a man-bun offered her a glass of champagne, which she accepted immediately, eager to make a friend.
Why oh why did she have to ask him who the pair depicted in ice was? Though Man-Bun didn’t have to be such an asshole and laugh in her face. She can still close her eyes and see the guy’s sneer and hear his stupid voice, “How the fuck do you not know who Rick and Morty are?” She couldn’t believe a stranger would be so awful to her. She should have thrown her glass of champagne in his face, but instead drank the entire thing down and escaped to the roof.
Hoping that eating marshmallows from the hot chocolate bar would counteract the effects of the champagne, Kimmie stuffed her cheeks like a chipmunk with a sweet tooth. This was when she noticed Dustin standing by himself looking up at the night sky. She liked his face immediately, and that he didn’t have a man-bun. He looked so serious and out of place in this anything-goes crowd, which also made her feel better, because he looked exactly how she felt, herself: overwhelmed and wanting to be anywhere else.
Suddenly, Kimmie remembered what she and Dustin had talked about on the roof: space exploration involving a meteor, or was it an asteroid? Dustin had a vast knowledge of astronomy, which he babbled on about for a while, but she liked that he talked too much when he was nervous. She assumed that was why he was babbling, and that she was the cause of his nervousness, which she also enjoyed.
She was the opposite of Dustin. When she felt nervous, she clammed up. She hated this aspect of herself, mainly because when she was quiet, people accused her of being stuck up. She had heard a few of the other skaters talk about her that way. “Kimmie’s such a snob. She thinks she’s better than everyone else because she’s a rich bitch from New York City.” She should have had tougher skin by now, but she really didn’t.
When she went downstairs to look for her sister, Kimmie’d had every intention of finding Dustin again later to continue their conversation. But on her way downstairs she ran into Steven heading up and he turned and followed her back down into the crowded hallway. It was so loud when he asked if she wanted Molly, she honestly thought he said, “Do you want to meet Molly?” Thinking he was referring to a person instead of a drug, she said, “Sure, I’d love to.” Steven pulled out a little bag of crystals and told her to open wide. Kimmie had never tried drugs before, as all competitive athletes were regularly drug tested. But that chapter of her life was over, so nothing was stopping her from experimenting now.
Also, she didn’t want to look like a baby in front of Steven, especially since her sister told her she had him to thank for letting her attend at all. Lolly was the one who didn’t want her there because she didn’t want to be responsible for her, but Steven had argued back, “Kimmie’s had a shit year. She deserves a little fun.” Lolly gave in, more because she always let Steven have his way, as opposed to being a cool older sister. Honestly, she was terrified and didn’t want to do it, but was too much of a wimp to tell Steven she’d misunderstood him. So she did as she was told, tilting her head back and opening wide.
Most of her first drug experience took place when she was alone, sitting in Steven’s mom’s massive soaking tub. (The master bedroom was the only room off-limits for the party, but Kimmie had ignored the sign and gone in anyway, assuming she had special dispensation as sister to the gf
of the host.) For the next two hours, she was blissed out on MDMA happily playing with the most exquisite and wonderfully scented bath bombs she had ever seen. Steven’s mom kept a tall glass jar of them by the tub. They were so sparkly Kimmie was convinced that Steven’s family was so rich they bought bath products with real crushed-up jewels in them. Her father was a named partner in a big corporate law firm so they were rich, too, but Lolly told her they weren’t rich in the way Steven’s family was rich. Steven’s family had “fuck-you money,” like Beyoncé and Jay-Z money, which was a different league entirely.
When Lolly found her two hours later, Kimmie was happy as a clam sitting in the empty tub, her dress covered in shimmery colorful bath bomb dust. Lolly took in her little sister’s dilated pupils and knew immediately what had happened. Soon both Steven and Lolly, who were rolling themselves, stared down at her like she was a tiny guppy in a large fishbowl. Kimmie closed her eyes and listened to Steven tell her sister that he had given Kimmie a kiddie-menu portion and reminding her it was a party and that she needed to lighten the fuck up. Lolly got pouty at Steven for swearing at her but she didn’t stay mad, because she never could. It was like Steven had some sort of magical spell over her sister, one snap of his fingers and she fell in line when he commanded.
The room was quiet and Kimmie wondered whether they had left her, so she opened her eyes to find her sister and Steven making out pressed up against the bathroom wall. Steven was rubbing his hands all over her sister’s body and her sister was making these gross moaning noises. Steven eventually picked up Lolly, tossed her over his shoulder, and carried her giggling out of the bathroom. On his way out Steven told Kimmie that she’d soon feel “right as rain.”
