by Jenny Lee
“Can I have the binoculars back?” she asked, knowing she shouldn’t. “Please.”
“Of course, I’m sorry. You must have so many friends competing.”
Anna was watching the race, but she noted the displeasure in Alexander’s tone.
The crowd gasped as one of the horses knocked down the wooden beam in front of them, but since it was one of the last horses, there was no collision and the rider corrected the horse, able to continue much to everyone’s relief. Anna noticed Murf run out to set the pole back in place. She looked away from the finish line for just a moment, when she heard the screams.
The binocular’s lenses magnified the chaotic scene. Anna could see that at the last jump, the highest jump, at least three horses had tumbled in an ungainly heap of twisted equine legs. Anna gasped, scanning all the horses, hoping desperately that Vronsky’s horse wasn’t in the melee. Unable to contain herself, Anna jumped the partitions of hay and bolted out into the field.
“Murf!” she screamed. “Was it him? Is he okay?”
Murf, already running toward the chaos, stopped at the sound of Anna’s voice and turned around to face the lone figure standing in the field, her face stricken.
“Go back, Anna!” Murf yelled. “I’ll let you know as soon as I do.”
Steven, who had seen his sister run out into the field, pounded down the bleachers himself, vaulted over the partition, and was by her side in seconds. He put his arm around her as he escorted her back to the stands. Anna hid her face, but it was too late; everyone had already witnessed what she had done.
“Bring her here,” Alexander called out, his voice stronger than it had been since his accident. Unsure of what to do, Steven thought about whisking her away, but knowing she’d never leave until she knew Vronsky’s fate, he ushered her back to the Greenwich OG.
Anna sat on the bale of hay where Alexander’s leg was propped, and promptly pulled out her phone, waiting for news.
Her phone dinged, and she saw Murf’s message. He’s okay. But Frou Frou is ducked. Ducking autocorrect! Anna started to cry happy tears that Vronsky was all right.
“What did you hear?” Alexander asked sternly.
“One of the horses that fell is badly hurt. It’s terrible. I’m going to go down there.”
“You’ll do no such thing,” he replied. “I want to leave right now, and you’re coming with me.”
Anna glanced at him in shocked amazement. “As if I’m some kind of pet to be ordered about at the whims of my master?”
“Anna,” Alexander said in a low voice. “I don’t feel well. You’re obviously upset, and everyone is watching. We’re going home now. Steven, can you help me with my chair?”
Steven looked at his sister, and she nodded for him to go ahead. Anna knew she would have to go with Alexander. Her only consolation was that in all the hubbub and rush to get Alexander home, they had forgotten Eleanor, and Anna smiled thinking of her bf’s half-sister looking all over for them in her ugly pink hat.
XII
A hospital bed had been installed in the sunroom since Alexander couldn’t yet navigate the stairs to his bedroom. Anna sat in the rocking chair by the window and stared out into the grand backyard. The car ride had been silent, and after the servants helped Alexander to bed, Steven left to pick up Lolly. Before he left, he gave his sister a big hug and told her he’d wait at the house until she returned. Anna just nodded, knowing if she were to speak, she’d start to cry.
Alexander knew he had to ask the question, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to wait until his leg stopped throbbing and the Percocet kicked in, but he knew the pill would be no match for the pain to come. So, they sat in silence.
Eleanor had been suspicious for weeks now, but Alexander had shut her down every time she brought up Anna’s recent misguided behavior. Yes, he had been doped up, but he wasn’t a moron. He had noticed everything that Eleanor had griped about but just couldn’t and wouldn’t believe it to be true. The girl he knew and loved, the girl he had planned to marry, had grown cranky and aloof during her visits, yet he couldn’t bring himself to ask her why. The simple reason was that he feared an honest answer. But now things were different. She had shown her cards in front of the entire town, and all he had was regret. Regret that he hadn’t dealt with the situation earlier. Regret that he had agreed to go to the horse race. Regret that he had driven to the party to get her that snowy night. And regret that he’d left without her when he knew he shouldn’t have.
He just couldn’t believe that Anna could fall for a guy like Vronsky. It seemed impossible that a doe-eyed, blond-haired pretty boy was causing him so much misery. Laughable even. But no one was laughing now, especially not Alexander.
“Anna?” he said, his voice hoarse and cracking. “Do you want to start, or shall I?”
“It’s true,” she said quietly.
“What’s true?” he asked.
“Your suspicions about me and Vronsky. We’ve been…” She hesitated. “I’ve been unfaithful. I should have told you earlier. I had every intention of telling you about my feelings for him, but…” Anna’s mouth was dry with shame. She couldn’t go on. She was desperate for the floor beneath her feet to open up and swallow her whole, chair and all. Why, oh why didn’t I just break up with him beforehand? Now everything is a disaster. And I have no one to blame but myself.
“But…?” he asked, refusing to make it easy for her.
“But you had a car accident and so I waited. But then I couldn’t wait with him, so I … so we … please don’t make me say it.”
“You owe me that much,” he said, his voice now steely and ice cold. “Go on.”
“I slept with him!” she cried out, angry at him for making her say it, even though she knew she had no right to be. “I cheated on you behind your back while you were laid up in a hospital bed, okay? It was wrong and I did it anyway. I knew better, but I couldn’t help myself. I had no choice.”
“No choice?” Alexander shouted. “Did he hold you down? Did he threaten you? Of course you had a choice! Everyone has a choice. What you had was a grotesque lapse in judgment, a … a … moral black hole that sucked up everything that was good and decent about you.”
It took everything in her power not to jump up and run away, never to look back. Anna felt like she might cry but refused to shed a single tear. Instead she bit the inside of her bottom lip until it hurt. “I was wrong. You deserve better than what I did. But it’s too late now. It happened. I did it and all I can give you is my confession.”
“Do you have feelings for him?” Alexander asked, knowing he needed to learn as much as he could about the situation before deciding how to proceed.
“Of course I do,” she said. “Or were you hoping I was just doing it for the sex? Do you think I’d do this if I didn’t care for him? Do you think so little of me?”
“That’s not fair, Anna. I didn’t know you were so unhappy. Is this because we didn’t go to my prom?”
“What?” Anna tried to hide her exasperation but failed. “You think this is about a prom? That’s absurd.”
“Is it?” he asked, his voice now sad. “Because maybe if we went and you danced with me like…” His voice faltered, and he couldn’t go on. He had seen the way they looked at each other on the dance floor at Bea’s party, and he’d chosen to try to forget it. To tell himself it didn’t mean anything when he knew it did. “I’m tired. I need to sleep,” he said. “My leg is killing me. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Alexander, I don’t think there’s anything left for us to talk about. I’m sorry it had to end like this, but it did. It’s over.” Anna stood up, relieved that she’d said her piece and could now leave. She wanted to go home, curl up into a ball, and sleep.
“No, Anna,” Alexander said. “You don’t get to throw away our last three years like it was nothing. We had plans, a future together. Are you not going to give me the courtesy, the decency to talk this through? Help me understand what happened! You can’t possibly think you have a f
uture with him! He’s a child, for fuck’s sake.”
Anna sat back down. The grief in his face pained her. He looked so helpless in the hospital bed, his leg broken, in a room surrounded by ugly vases and cheap baskets of wilting get-well flowers. Alexander’s last words really hit her hard, and his tone reminded her of her father and how he sometimes spoke to Steven when he was disappointed with him. She shut her eyes as the enormity of the situation pelted her like rain pouring down without warning. Her mother and father were going to find out what she had done. Alexander’s dad and stepmom would also be told. Anna had a great relationship with his parents, and his dad had always told her he loved her like a daughter. Their lives were totally intertwined, as close to marriage as two teenagers could get, really. She was a fool to have thought she could just tell him it was over and walk out the door like some stupid movie where the guy doesn’t get the girl and just accepts his fate.
“Okay, you’re right,” she conceded. “Why don’t you take a nap and I’ll come back tomorrow?”
“Don’t see him,” Alexander said, looking her straight in the eye. “Can you do that for me? Don’t see him or talk to him until we have time to talk tomorrow. You owe me that at least.”
Anna was not a liar, and in fact had taken great pains never to lie in the past few weeks, even if she had been vague and told half-truths about her plans and whereabouts. So when Anna told Alexander that she wouldn’t see or talk to Vronsky until after she and Alexander spoke in the morning, she meant it. They had spent three years together as boyfriend and girlfriend, and she did love him, or at least she had thought she did. Only now, after falling in love with Vronsky, did she understand the difference between being “in love with someone” and “loving someone.”
Anna kept her word to Alexander and didn’t answer Vronsky’s texts, nor did she answer the phone when he called her. She didn’t answer Beatrice’s calls or texts, either, not wanting to exploit the loophole of honesty and make her the go-between. Instead she just went to bed and slept longer and harder than she had in weeks.
The next morning, she drove back to Alexander’s house and they talked for hours, going around and around, crying and yelling at various times. Alexander told Anna he still loved her and wanted to work things out. He believed that even though Anna said she loved Vronsky, it wasn’t true, that she’d been taken in by his looks and fun nature. But he was wrong for her in so many ways. Alexander shouldered some of the blame. He had been too wrapped up in his own life and of course she deserved fun and dancing and he wanted to be the one who gave it to her. He begged Anna to take some time, at least a few weeks, to really think things through and consider giving him one more chance. If she would do this for him, and if she decided that she still wanted to end things, then he’d do everything he could to make sure her reputation wasn’t harmed and would never speak ill of her to anyone. He’d even go so far as to deny the truth and tell people that Anna had not betrayed him with Vronsky.
Half-heartedly, Anna agreed to take a few weeks, but she told Alexander that she would see Vronsky at least once to let him know her plans, though nothing would happen between them. She said that during the next two weeks Alexander could no longer consider her his girlfriend. She was free from all obligations. Alexander agreed to the terms but urged her to avoid spending time with Vronsky alone as it would only cloud her judgment. By the time they had finished wheeling and dealing in heavy emotional currency, it was dark out and pouring rain, but it didn’t matter. She was too drained to give a damn.
XIII
Kimmie spent the morning with her mom at PS 137, a public school where she was enrolling as a new student. Danielle wasn’t happy about her daughter’s decision to leave Spence, but she was too afraid to argue against it. Kimmie’s return home, with her new purple hair, black leather jacket, Doc Martens, and dark nail polish, had set her on edge. Kimmie had heard her parents fighting the morning her father picked her up from the airport. She went straight to her room, and her dad stayed with her mom to talk in the kitchen. She’d told her father in the ride over about her decision to leave Spence and asked him to tell her mother about it. He didn’t want to do it, but Kimmie forced his hand, casually reminding him he never once visited her out in Arizona and hadn’t even bothered to pick her up. “I’m fifteen, Dad, you really want me to blame you for everything when I’m your age?”
Her parents agreed to enroll her in public school, though they warned she may have to repeat her sophomore year, but Kimmie would take the necessary tests to see if she could get into Stuyvesant or Bronx Science for next year, two of the most competitive public schools in the city. She remembered hearing from Dustin how much he loved his time at Stuyvesant, and though she wasn’t sure if she was as smart as Dustin, she wanted to try.
She had thought about Dustin nonstop on her sleepless red-eye flight back East. She couldn’t get it out of her head, hearing his father tell Nicholas how Dustin had given up his own college tuition for his brother’s rehabilitation. She doubted Lolly would have done the same for her, and she knew the old Kimmie might not have done it, either. Kimmie wished she could go back in time and ask Dustin more about his relationship with his brother, and while she was at it, ask him more about what it was like to be adopted. On appearances alone it seemed like Dustin had a good life because he was smart and already poised for success after getting into the college of his choice, and sure, his parents were divorced, but so were everyone’s, though it must have been hard for him to be one of the only black members of his temple. But she knew why she didn’t ask any of these questions: she had been selfish, only caring about stupid things like parties and if the wrong boy was going to text her.
Kimmie couldn’t believe all that had happened during her month away: Alexander’s car accident, dead horses, and broken hearts. But instead of feeling like she had missed out, she was happy she had been away, which furthered her resolve to walk away from all this rich-kid private-school nonsense. If public school was good enough for Natalia and Dustin, then it was good enough for her.
At the end of their meeting, when her new school principal, Mr. Kriesky, said he’d see her tomorrow, Kimmie was shocked. She’d assumed she’d have to start that very day. He told her public school was a little more relaxed and that he thought it’d be better if she started fresh in the morning. When he said, “Go out and get a Mister Softee, spring has sprung!” Kimmie smiled, knowing she’d made the right decision about school.
Afterward, her mother went off to take an Orangetheory class and asked Kimmie if she wanted to join her. Kimmie declined, wanting to go to Central Park and enjoy her last day of freedom before starting another new school. Her mother looked relieved at her answer, and Kimmie knew it was because her mother wasn’t comfortable with the “new Kimmie” yet. She almost called her mom out on it but decided to let it go. Sure, she was more empowered and in touch with her anger these days, but it’s not like she wanted to turn into a total bitch. As hardcore and badass as Natalia was, she was also incredibly thoughtful. Before Kimmie left, Natalia had shoplifted herself a pair of cheap gold hoop earrings from Walmart and had also snagged a pair for Kimmie. Kimmie touched her purloined earring and thought of her friend.
Natalia had loved the leather jacket that Kimmie left as a present for her, and Kimmie had several pictures of Natalia wearing it. It looked better on her, but Kimmie always knew it would. They had texted back and forth several times a day for the first day or so after her return, but suddenly the texts dwindled in number, and three days later their long-distance friendship had fallen into radio silence. Kimmie briefly wondered if this was a bad sign but decided to be positive, thinking instead that Natalia and Nicholas were busy planning their new careers as Insta influencers. During Kimmie’s farewell dinner, Nick revealed the couple’s new plan, where Natalia would be featured in cool hair-coloring videos for anyone interested in obtaining the alternative rocker chick look. Nick planned to direct and shoot the videos in their apartment and knew a lot ab
out filmmaking from his extensive reading about famous directors. Apparently, the idea was hatched by Nick after he watched Natalia dye Kimmie’s hair that first night they all hung out. Later in bed, he told her that not only was she wildly charismatic (she was), but she was also a natural born instructor, which he’d noticed as she explained her technique in a clear and concise step-by-step manner to Kimmie.
He had it all worked out. He was going to take on some extra shifts to make some extra cash, or hell, maybe he’d become an Uber driver, with plans to buy some secondhand lighting equipment and a dope digital camera, so he could properly capture his girlfriend’s hotness. “None of this iPhone filmmaking shit” would fly with him. Kimmie thought the idea was brilliant and volunteered to be one of Natalia’s “Before and After” hair models. She said as soon as they were set up, she’d fly back out for a week to help, maybe for summer vacation. Natalia and Kimmie toasted Nick for his brilliant idea, and he did that guy thing where he told them to fuck off, though it was obvious he was pleased. It was the one time Kimmie had ever witnessed Nick excited about something other than Fortnite and Natalia’s ass. Kimmie wasn’t paying him lip service, she truly felt like it was a great idea.
When she lay in bed her last night at Desert Vista, she had thought how great it would be to have a bf who believed in her the way Nick believed in Natalia, a goal Kimmie wrote down in the “long-term future life goals” section of her journal.
It was these long-term future life goals that Kimmie thought about as she walked through the park on a mission, because she only had one more thing to cross off on her “deal with past bullshit.” Kimmie had almost given up on her idea of calling out Vronsky, thinking maybe it was better to leave the past in the past. All she wanted to think about was the future, but then Lolly told her about the whole Anna/Alexander drama, and Kimmie’s anger at Count Vronsky renewed. Not only did he almost take her down, but now he was dragging down Anna.
