by Deb Kastner
Maybe together was the whole problem. She’d clearly no longer wanted to be with him, or else why would she have left him?
Although yet another consideration was that maybe she’d been driving to Serendipity to share the news that she was expecting their baby when she’d been in the accident and had forgotten everything. That wasn’t beyond a shadow of possibility, either. But until she regained her memory, they’d never know.
And yet here he was wondering if he really wanted her to get her memory back.
Realizing he was standing in the middle of the chicken coop gaping at his wife, he let himself out the gate and headed her direction. She was still focused on whatever she was writing and didn’t hear him approach.
He glanced over her shoulder to see what she was working so intently on—only to find she wasn’t writing at all.
She was drawing.
And she was good. She’d brought Brownie to life, funny haircut and all, with nothing more than notebook paper and a number two pencil.
“I didn’t know you could draw,” he murmured.
She jerked at the sound of his voice and her notebook and pencil went flying. She spiraled her arms and would have fallen backward off the gate had Tanner not been there to catch her.
“You scared the life out of me,” she croaked, her breath ragged. “Warn a woman next time you sneak up behind her, will you, cowboy?”
At first he couldn’t read her expression. For the first few seconds he thought she was mad at him, but then she smiled and his whole world turned right again.
They stared at each other in silence, his eyes locked with those gleaming copper pennies that had captured his heart from Day One. Tanner’s breath was coming deeply as his gaze dropped to her lips, which were mere inches from his own.
Slowly, and with infinite gentleness, he lowered her to the ground, but didn’t let go of her. She clenched her fists into the front of his shirt and tilted her head up, her breath warm on his cheek.
“Tanner, I—” she started, her voice lower than usual. It had taken on a husky quality that made Tanner’s throat close around any answer he might have given.
He could no more stop himself from lowering his lips to hers than he could have stopped the sun from shining on this bright late-summer day.
He’d missed this. He’d missed her, more than he could possibly have realized until she was actually in his arms. It had been so long—far too long—for they had left nearly all closeness behind them the day Rebecca had suffered the miscarriage.
Now her rounded belly pressed into his and as they embraced each other, they embraced their unborn son, and Tanner felt truly blessed.
Rebecca ran her hands up his chest and around his neck, threading her fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. A shiver ran through him. She used to do that—slide her hand around his neck, run her fingers through his hair and pull him closer. It was nearly choreography, and it felt so right.
He deepened their kiss. He might end up regretting this—he probably would—but for right here, right now, he had his wife back.
And that was all that mattered.
* * *
Everything about this moment was achingly and reassuringly familiar, tugging her even deeper into memories she could not quite recall. Tanner’s arms, his warm lips, the sound which emerged from him as he pulled her closer and framed her face with his ranch-work-calloused hands.
Ever since she’d returned to Serendipity, she’d thought about what it would be like to be held in Tanner’s arms, for him to kiss her, especially as her feelings for him continued to grow over the weeks she’d been at the ranch. How could she not be attracted to him?
And yet this went way beyond physical attraction. They had shared a life together, even if she didn’t remember it. She was his wife. She’d fallen in love with him and believed they had a forever love. Otherwise she never would have married him. And she’d made a vow before God to be his until death did them part.
She closed her eyes and sighed as she leaned into his embrace. His thick blond hair was as soft as silk. Their kiss felt as natural as breathing. She knew this man, at a deep level that went beyond what her brain refused to supply.
And yet there was something about being here with Tanner that felt brand-new. In some ways they felt like different people. Rebecca sensed it wasn’t just her amnesia at play here.
There was more.
Like why she’d left. Tanner clearly still cared for her, didn’t he?
Had their separation been all her fault?
She didn’t know, and from the feelings she was currently experiencing, she couldn’t even begin to guess. She wished she could just get her brain to stop trying so hard and simply enjoy the moment. But the angst and confusion these thoughts brought with them caused her fight-or-flight instinct to kick in, a whole new surge of adrenaline that had nothing to do with sharing a kiss and everything to do with—she didn’t even know.
And there was the rub. Even though she trusted Tanner and had wanted this kiss as much as he had, she couldn’t let this happen.
Not until she remembered...
“No,” she murmured into his lips, pressing her palms to his chest. “Tanner. No. We’ve got to stop.”
He immediately dropped his arms and stepped back, gazing at her in confusion through desire-filled eyes.
“I— What?” His voice was like gravel. “What is it, Rebecca?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think—”
He jammed his hands into his pockets and chuckled dryly, without mirth, almost a scoff. “You weren’t supposed to be thinking.”
“No. I know. I—I’m feeling what you’re feeling, Tanner.”
His eyebrows lowered into a scowl. “Then why...?”
“You know why. I need to be sure. Until I have my memories back, I have to tread carefully. I don’t— I can’t—” she stammered.
She turned away from him and picked up her now-dusty notebook and pencil. She would do anything not to have to look into his eyes, which were glittering with pain and rejection. And it was just that much worse knowing she was the one who’d caused this mess. Her heart felt like it was going to rip in half.
“When you walked up to me—you said you didn’t know I could draw?” she asked in a desperate attempt to change the subject and move forward onto safe ground. Her heart was still hammering and her pulse was racing from their encounter, and she imagined it must be much the same for Tanner.
They needed a moment, and she was doing her best to provide it.
He shook his head and then lifted his hat and pushed back his hair with his palm.
Rebecca’s mind flashed back to—something. It was only a second, and then it was gone.
Another time. Another place. The exact same movement he’d just made. She recognized this tell. She had seen it before, knew what it meant.
He was frustrated. Ready to protect his heart—the heart she’d broken—by backing off a bad situation.
Was it a memory?
“What’s wrong?” His gaze lingered on hers.
“I— Nothing.” She wasn’t ready to share this experience with him. Not when she didn’t know what it was. She pulled her notebook to her chest in an unconsciously defensive gesture.
“Yeah—that drawing is amazing,” he said, tapping his hat against his thigh. “You really caught Brownie’s essence. I can even see the sparkle in her eyes. What made you think you could do this?”
“I—I don’t know. It was just there. I found a blank notebook on the desk in your office and had the overwhelming urge to draw something. I hope you don’t mind that I took it without asking.”
“No. Not at all. Strange, though, that you’d have this much talent when I didn’t even know you liked to draw.”
“I didn’t, either. Of course, I don’t know much of anything these day
s.” It was a bad joke, and neither one of them really laughed.
“It just seems weird that I wouldn’t know you had artistic tendencies. It seems like the sort of thing that would be out in the open with a couple who share their lives together. I wonder if it has something to do with your amnesia? Do you think hitting your head might have changed your likes and abilities?”
She shook her head. “That’s too weird to think about. I’m me, but I’m not me. And my brain learned to draw without my cognizance?”
“Yeah. That is kind of Twilight Zone-y.”
She sighed and brushed a palm over her forearm as if a chill had just gone through her.
“Hey,” he said, reaching out a hand to caress her arm. “We’ll figure it out together, okay? You’re not alone here. Your amnesia brought you back to me. I’m not taking that blessing lightly. When we got married, we told each other it was you and me against the world. It still is, Rebecca. We may have nothing but new waters ahead of us, but God brought you back to me, and no matter what happens, whether we’re facing the future or the past, I’m not going to lose you again.”
Chapter Seven
Tanner snapped down his Sunday-best white Western shirt and tucked it into his best jeans. The Lord’s day was his favorite day of the week, when he could put all his worries and ranch problems aside and just worship God. Being a rancher, he still had daily chores to do that didn’t take Sundays off, like feeding all the animals, but he still always made it a point to attend the church service and whenever he was able, he caught an afternoon nap.
Today was the first Sunday Rebecca was accompanying the family to church. It wasn’t so much that her amnesia had wiped out all memories of her faith. Her belief in God was one of the few things she appeared to have retained. But she hadn’t been ready to face her friends and neighbors until now.
Tanner dolloped gel into his palm and ran it through his hair, trying without success to tame the thick, unruly waves. Not that it really mattered. His cowboy hat would ruin any attempts at tidying his hopeless mop of hair.
He hadn’t seen Rebecca since yesterday’s fiasco. Kissing her was singularly the very best—and the very worst—thing he could have possibly done. He was afraid he’d said too much, that in expressing his feelings to Rebecca, he would chase her away for good. But he’d wanted to let her know she had his support. He knew amnesia was frightening and he wanted to make sure she knew she wasn’t alone in this.
Their kiss had rocked his world. In some ways, it felt like the very first kiss they’d ever shared together—the one at a Christian singles mixer on their college campus, where his heart had spoken to him and he’d known beyond doubt that Rebecca was the only woman for him.
He still believed she was. Even time, distance and the way she’d ripped his heart out with a razor when she’d left had never changed that. And as he’d said to Rebecca yesterday, he was incredibly grateful to God for bringing her back to him, even with her Swiss-cheese state of mind.
But he was scared to death he was going to lose her again once her memory fully returned. What would happen then, when the truth came out? Would she feel he’d been lying to her by what he’d neglected to tell her? Would she make a beeline out of town, and out of his life?
They’d built a new relationship between them in the weeks she’d been back, between two people who’d been changed by what had happened to them in the past. Was it possible they’d be able to work through the emotional mess that had once made her feel she’d had no choice but to leave him?
“Tanner?” Peggy called from the living room. “You done gussying up in there? We’re going to be late for the service.”
He jogged out to the living room and slammed to a halt when he saw Rebecca standing there, as beautiful as he’d ever seen her. She was wearing a white sundress dotted with bluebonnets and had added just enough makeup to make her eyes glisten like the brand-new copper pennies they were.
Their eyes met and locked. This was the woman he’d been married to for so many years? She literally took his breath away. He’d forgotten just how beautiful she was.
He wanted to compliment her, but his voice didn’t seem to be working. He couldn’t seem to be able to get the words in his head to come out of his mouth.
“Stop gaping, sweetheart,” Peggy teased, tapping Tanner underneath his chin with the tip of her forefinger. “Just tell her she’s pretty and let’s be on our way.”
“I— You—you look pretty,” he stammered.
Rebecca’s cheeks turned a bright pink that clashed with her auburn hair.
“What about me?” Mackenzie demanded. “Am I pretty, too, Uncle Tanner?”
He laughed and crouched down, opening his arms to the child. She jumped into them and he stood, swinging her around until she giggled.
“You are the most beautiful girl in the world,” he assured her.
“Yes, indeed you are,” Rebecca agreed.
As they loaded up in Peggy’s 4x4, Tanner noticed Rebecca’s expression, an odd combination of excitement and anxiety.
This couldn’t be easy for her, he realized, not recognizing everyone who’d known you all your life. Everyone would be so excited to see her that they might very well overwhelm her. He’d have to be on guard for that and gently but firmly remain in control. He met her eyes in the rearview mirror and smiled encouragingly.
Rebecca held back when they reached the church. Wide-eyed and breathing heavily, she looked as if she were ready to bolt. Tanner couldn’t blame her. It took a lot of strength for her to be here.
He reached for her hand. “You don’t have to do this today if you’re not ready. There’s no rush. I’ll drive you back to the ranch if you want.”
She stared at him for a long time before answering.
“No. I think I do need to do this. I don’t know if or when I’ll get my full memory back again, but I’ve been making what I think are some major strides with my short-term memory.”
She had? Why hadn’t she mentioned that before?
“As soon as I open my eyes in the morning, I remember my baby—our baby—is a boy. I’ve been able to recall Mackenzie’s name and that she’s our niece without referring to my notes, although I still have to work through why she is staying here with us to keep that part fresh in my mind.”
“That’s awesome. Do you remember anything about—about—”
She shook her head and he breathed a sigh of relief.
“No. Nothing long-term yet. But maybe meeting some of the people I’ve known all my life will help stir my memories.”
“Okay, then. I won’t leave your side.” He threaded his fingers through hers as they walked into the church building.
The first part wasn’t so difficult, as they’d arrived just before the service started. They slipped into a pew near the back of the sanctuary and while there were a few curious stares, most everyone was concentrating on worshipping God and the service passed in peace.
Afterward, everyone moved into the fellowship hall to share coffee, donuts and hot, fresh breakfast burritos being sold by the children’s choir to raise money so they could take a tour to sing in Italy the following spring.
“Do you want a donut or a burrito?” he asked.
“A maple donut. Yum squared!” She didn’t even blink before answering.
He stared at her.
“What?” she asked apprehensively, and then she groaned. “Don’t tell me. I hate maple donuts and love spicy breakfast burritos?”
He shook his head. “No, actually. You’re spot-on with the maple donut. Those were always your favorite. Do you think it’s a memory?”
She shrugged. “Hard to say. But I still want my donut.”
He grinned and gestured to a chair. “Is it okay if I leave you here for a bit while I get our donuts and coffee?”
Her eyes widened and she swallowed hard, but she
nodded. “I’ll be fine.”
“I can find your mom if you want.”
“Don’t bother. I see her over there. She’s talking to her friends.”
“Yeah. The altar guild.”
“I don’t want to interrupt her.”
Tanner had to admire her courage. They both knew that the moment Tanner stepped away, she’d be deluged by her friends and neighbors who’d known she left town—and Tanner—and even more attention-grabbing, had heard the rumors about her amnesia. Everyone probably had a million questions to ask her.
“I’ve got this.” Jo Spencer appeared out of nowhere and bustled her ample frame into the chair next to Rebecca. “Your wife and I have some catching up to do.”
His wife.
She was his wife of six years. So why was that so hard to hear? Why did it feel so different? Why did his heart hurt?
Because this—the way they lived now, in peace and harmony with one another—was all a lie?
He glanced at Rebecca to see her reaction to Jo’s words but she had a sweet smile on her face and didn’t flinch, so he left her in the elderly redhead’s kind hands and threaded his way over to the table to grab the coffee and donuts.
As he’d anticipated, by the time he returned, Rebecca was surrounded with friends welcoming her back to town—and to church—and everyone was anxious to find out how she was faring.
“Amnesia is tricky. I may have to ask you your names a thousand times, so please don’t be offended if I don’t immediately catch on,” Rebecca joked, and those around her laughed. “But if you’re patient with me, I’ll get there eventually.”
“We heard you were staying at the ranch with Tanner,” one man said, his voice full of skepticism.
“Of course. He’s my husband. Where else would I be?”
At her question, the crowd around her slipped into a silence that deadened the air in the room. Tanner couldn’t breathe, and he doubted many of the others around him were able to, either.
