by Deb Kastner
Rebecca was stunned. It was no wonder he didn’t trust Lydia with Mackenzie. Not after all he’d been through.
“We’ll make it work, Tanner. No matter what happens with Lydia. We will protect Mackenzie. I just want you to know I’ll be right there by your side, keeping Mackenzie safe. That will be our first priority.”
Tanner’s eyes lit up with gratitude he couldn’t express with words.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go write down all the things we just discussed so I’ll have a clear head and all the pertinent details when Lydia comes to visit Mackenzie.”
Writing notes to herself had become second nature to her. But notes could only go so far—they couldn’t arrest the emotions that went along with each situation. They couldn’t capture a snapshot of Tanner’s stress and why this was so difficult for him.
She slipped her cell phone into the back pocket of her jeans. It was the best she could do. She would have to take the emotions as they came, day-to-day.
And maybe—just maybe—she would start to remember.
Chapter Ten
Tanner urged his gray quarter horse gelding Gusto to the left of the herd of cows in order to drive them to the right and into another pasture where they would find fresh grazing ground. Herding cattle out on the grassy plain was one of his favorite jobs as a rancher. It connected him to the past and the many, many ranchers who’d herded cattle in just this same way over centuries of time.
The wind in his face, the muddled sounds of confused cows as they tried to figure out what they were supposed to do, the squeals of the newborn calves who didn’t want to be separated from their mothers—this was the life he’d always wanted, and he loved every second of it, even during the hard times.
Once he’d gotten the herd through to the next field, he slid off Gusto’s back and closed the gate behind them. He had a lot to do. With everything that had been going on at home, it had been a couple of weeks since he’d ridden the fence line and checked for breaks.
But he’d have to do that later. Right now, he needed to get back to the ranch house and get cleaned up.
Lydia’s parole had been granted last week and she’d moved into the halfway house. Today, Terri was bringing her by for her first supervised visit with Mackenzie. Tanner’s chest was in knots just thinking about it. He hadn’t seen Lydia since the day she’d been incarcerated—her choice, not his. She hadn’t wanted anyone to see her that way, not even her brother—and especially not Mackenzie.
If he’d had his way, he would have visited her in jail at least once every week, despite the fact that he would have lost a day’s work every time. And during some of those visits he would have brought Mackenzie, so she could interact with her mama.
But Lydia had been humiliated by her arrest and subsequent incarceration and insisted that no one visit her at all.
He guessed he understood why she thought the way she did, although he couldn’t imagine being away from his child for any length of time. Mackenzie was so precious, and Lydia had missed so much.
Then again, he couldn’t imagine spending time in jail. He and Lydia had grown up in the same household, in the same atmosphere, and he was well aware how it could have been him behind bars. But God had rescued him from following in his mother’s footsteps and had set him on a straight path, for which he would be eternally grateful. Instead of hanging out with the bad crowd in high school, someone had invited him to youth group at church, and there he’d found new friends and a way of life much different than the one he experienced at home. He’d tried over and over to get Lydia to accompany him to church, but she’d refused.
He hoped and prayed Lydia had found something similar in jail, someone who would lead her to a Savior who loved her unconditionally. Tanner knew of at least three separate jail ministries that worked there and he’d spoken with the directors of all of them. Every night in his prayers, Tanner begged God to intercede on Lydia’s behalf and reach out to her in His great mercy.
Soon enough, he would know whether or not his prayers had been answered.
When he arrived back at the ranch house, he found everyone in the kitchen with a simple lunch of cold cuts, cheese and bread on the table, along with all the fixins for a Dagwood sandwich, Tanner’s absolute favorite. He loved to create an artful pile of meat, cheese, mustard, mayo, pickles, lettuce and tomatoes between slices of bread until he had a sandwich so high he had to smash it with his palm before it would fit in his mouth. He even added a layer of cheese balls to give it a little more crunch.
But before he could eat, he excused himself to shower and put on fresh clothes. When he returned, everyone had their sandwiches on their plates in front of them. To his surprise, Tanner’s Dagwood sandwich had been made and was ready to go on a plate before his seat at the head of the table.
“Who did this?” he asked, checking the layers to make sure nothing had been missed. He didn’t think he’d ever seen a nicer-looking Dagwood sandwich in his life, because someone in this household had made it for him—in love.
Rebecca waved her hand, her cheeks coloring prettily. “I did. I hope I made it right. I watched you the last time you made one for yourself and wrote myself a note to keep it all straight. That’s one serious sandwich.”
“I do take my Dagwoods seriously,” he agreed. “And this one looks perfect. Thank you.”
“Whew.” Rebecca wiped fake sweat from her brow. “I can breathe now. I feel like I passed the wife test.”
He raised a brow, his pulse kicking up when the word wife came out of Rebecca’s mouth. He would never get used to hearing that. It felt new all over again, like when they were first married. Only this time, he wasn’t going to take it for granted.
Not ever.
“Wife test?” he echoed, each word tasting increasingly delicious on his tongue, more than any sandwich could ever be.
“Yeah, you know. Understanding what makes my husband tick. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Don’t ask me how I know that.”
He took a bite of his sandwich and groaned in delight. “Well, you got this right.”
Rebecca beamed.
The table was a little quieter than usual as they ate, without as much casual chatter as usually went on during their meals. Everyone was nervous about the afternoon to come, and clearly Mackenzie was picking up on that, because she just sat quietly and picked at her food.
They’d decided not to tell her what was happening until after lunch, when Rebecca took her to her room to wash her hands and face and put a pretty pink bow in her hair.
Tanner and Peggy were waiting in the living room when Rebecca made a big announcement that Princess Mackenzie was on her way. Tanner couldn’t help but grin when Rebecca rolled up her hand and tooted her pretend trumpet as Mackenzie entered and spun around, showing off both her bright pink skirt and the matching bow in her hair.
“Wow,” Tanner enthused. “Be still my heart. What beautiful girls I have living in my house. I’m the most blessed man ever.” His smile was ostensibly for Mackenzie, but he slyly winked at Rebecca.
He was fairly certain she blushed, and his heart rate kicked up a notch.
“Why are we all dressed up?” Mackenzie asked, studying the adults around her. “Is it church day already?”
Tanner chuckled.
Rebecca knelt by Mackenzie. “No, it’s not church day, Mackenzie, but it is a very special day. In a few minutes, your mama will be here to visit with you.”
Mackenzie’s eyes widened. “Mama?”
“That’s right,” Tanner said, wondering just how much the little girl would remember about what had happened with her mama. He remembered those first awful nights when Mackenzie would cry herself to sleep. He didn’t know what the little girl comprehended about suddenly being sent to live with her uncle Tanner, but judging by the light in her eyes, she understood what was about to happen
now—at least enough to fill her with joy.
“Your mama can’t wait to see you, and hug you, and talk with you and play with you,” Rebecca added.
“Mama,” Mackenzie exclaimed, giggling and clapping her pudgy hands.
So far, so good.
Tanner pulled in a deep breath and let it out slowly. All systems were go. Now they just had to wait for Terri to arrive with Lydia and pray that his sister would be able to deal with the awkwardness of this situation. He certainly was feeling it. Nothing about this day was normal.
He glanced at his fitness watch. Five minutes to go until blastoff.
He only hoped the rocket would soar into space and not immediately do a U-turn and crash back to earth, or worse yet, go up in flames.
Peggy parked herself on the rocking chair and took up her knitting with the alpaca wool they’d recently sheared. Rebecca pulled out the princess dollhouse that was in the corner among other toys they planned to use to help Lydia interact with Mackenzie. Soon, Rebecca and Mackenzie were lost in the world of beautiful princesses, charming princes and hopefully, a happily-ever-after—if those even existed anymore.
Tanner paced the living room, glancing out the front window as he went, watching for the telltale cloud of dust that would indicate someone was coming up their long, unpaved drive. As he stalked back and forth, he forced himself to breathe and keep his face neutral of emotion, even though there’d been few times in his life when he was as anxious as he was at this moment.
Where were they?
He didn’t know that much about Terri, but from the professional way she dressed and how organized she’d always appeared, he just assumed she was one of those people who were always on time.
Maybe not. It wasn’t quite time to panic.
Yet.
But when another forty-five minutes had gone by and still no Terri and Lydia, Tanner was ready to jump out of his skin.
“I’ll put Mackenzie down for her nap,” offered Peggy. Tanner was glad for a moment alone to speak with Rebecca and suspected that was part of the reason Peggy had offered, God bless her.
“Where are they?” he asked through gritted teeth as he stared out the front window. He clenched his fists, barely resisting the urge to punch the air. “There’s something seriously wrong here. I can feel it.”
He nearly jumped when Rebecca slid her arms around his waist from behind him and laid her head against his back. “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I wish I could assure you everything is fine, but I don’t think it is. There is no reason I can think of why Terri would just not show up without calling or anything to let us know she’d be late.”
“Exactly.”
Suddenly, Tanner’s cell phone buzzed in his pocket, startling him. He pulled it out so quickly he nearly dropped it before looking at the screen.
“It’s Terri,” he said as he turned in Rebecca’s arms. His gaze met her worried one, but she nodded in encouragement.
He took a deep breath and let it out before answering.
“Terri, where are you?” he asked in lieu of a greeting. “We’ve been waiting nearly an hour and had to put Mackenzie down for a nap.”
“I’m afraid it’s not good news,” Terri said. Tanner frowned and grabbed Rebecca’s hand, leading them both to the couch. He had a feeling he was going to need to be sitting down to hear what Terri was about to say.
“Your sister has disappeared.”
“She’s what?” he growled, not knowing whether to be angry or afraid. “What do you mean she’s disappeared? I thought she was under strict supervision?”
“She is. She went to the restroom at the restaurant where she’s busing tables and slipped out through the window. As of yet, we haven’t been able to find her.”
Tanner pinched the bridge of his nose and blew out a frustrated breath. “Where have you looked?”
“She’s not anywhere she is allowed to be. She knows the rules. She walks straight from the halfway house to the nearby restaurant, performs her shift and returns home. She’s not allowed to make any other stops or go anywhere but work and home. Her houseparents haven’t seen her since this morning when she left for work. The police are looking for her now.”
“Tell them to look where she’s likely to score drugs,” he said tightly.
“Tanner,” Rebecca said raggedly, clutching his arm.
He glared down at her, even though it wasn’t Rebecca’s fault any of this was happening. He hoped she realized his expression wasn’t directed at her. “Look. I’m just telling it like it is. You want to find her? That’s where to look.”
When Rebecca’s beautiful copper-penny eyes filled with tears, he felt like the worst human being on earth.
“You can be assured we’ll find her soon,” Terri said. Tanner was so broken up over the news he had almost forgotten she was on the other end of the line.
“Call me when you have her,” he said briskly.
“Look. Let’s not jump to any conclusions,” Terri said, although Tanner could hear the doubt in her voice. “It may be nothing.”
“You think that if it makes you feel better.”
Rebecca reached for his phone and gently took it away from him, massaging her free hand over his neck.
“Thank you for letting us know what’s going on, Terri,” she said. “Is there anything else we can do? Shall we take a car and go looking ourselves? Oh, I see. Yes, I understand. I’ll let him know.”
Rebecca ended the call with an audible sigh. She pushed the hair off her forehead, only to have it drop down again, brushing her high cheekbones.
Her tell. She was as anxious and frustrated as he was.
“What? What did she say?” he pressed.
“That it’s very important for you and me to remain where we are in case Lydia decides to show up here at the ranch.”
Tanner snorted. “What are the chances of that? Lydia is many things, but she’s not stupid. She understood what was supposed to happen today, and she made her choice. If she were going to come to the ranch and visit with Mackenzie, she would have done so with Terri.” His stomach churned until he thought he might be sick. “I could be of far more use driving around San Antonio looking for her. I know some of her old haunts. I can’t just sit here and do nothing, no matter what the police say.”
Rebecca took both of his hands in hers. “We won’t be doing nothing,” she assured him. “We’ll be praying for Lydia.”
* * *
It had been the longest two hours of Rebecca’s life, not only worrying about where Lydia was and what she might be doing, but trying to keep Tanner from wearing a hole in the carpet. He was like a caged tiger, ready to pounce on anything that moved.
She wished there were something she could do to help—Tanner, Lydia, Terri, the police—anybody, at this point—but the resolution was entirely out of her hands. Until they found Lydia and definitively determined what had happened, Tanner would remain in his agitated state, and even then, it was hard to tell if he was going to go off like fireworks or if all the air would go out of him and he would completely deflate.
He was well-muscled from ranch work, and for hours now, every sinew in his shoulders and biceps had been tight with strain. His eyebrows were drawn in a permanent scowl and he occasionally muttered something under his breath from between gritted teeth.
Rebecca had checked on Mackenzie a couple of times. Peggy had fallen asleep beside the little girl, and the two of them looked incredibly peaceful lying there in Mackenzie’s little twin bed with Mackenzie’s head lightly resting on Peggy’s chest, which moved up and down slowly and evenly in the tranquility of sleep.
Rebecca took a moment just to breathe. She didn’t know when or how this would end, but no matter what, she would be there to support her husband and the little girl who meant so much to him.
When the news finally came, it wasn’t
good.
The police had picked up Lydia. She wasn’t buying drugs, but selling them, out on the street, as flagrantly and carelessly as she’d apparently always done. She didn’t even try to run away when the uniformed officers approached her.
That fact gave Rebecca reason to question. It was almost as if Lydia wanted to be arrested.
But there was no question about what would happen now.
She hadn’t learned a single thing in her time in jail. It was unthinkable to Rebecca that Lydia would choose selling drugs over seeing her baby girl, especially after being away from her so long. She’d had a chance to make things right today, but instead had chosen to follow the wrong path yet again.
Now she had nothing to look forward to but returning to the jail from which she’d just been released. Rebecca suspected that, like last time, Lydia would not accept support from her brother, which would break Tanner’s heart anew.
Lydia had made her own choices, whereas Mackenzie could not. But even though it would be hard to grow up without her biological mother, that little girl had Tanner, and he would never let her down. And she had Peggy, too.
At that moment, in spite of not knowing what her memories might contain, Rebecca made a heartfelt commitment to Mackenzie, as well. As a family, they would do everything they could to give Mackenzie the best life could offer.
Rebecca waited silently until Tanner hung up the phone and slid it back into his pocket. Though he stood with his back toward her, facing the front window, where now he knew no one would be coming down the drive, she’d managed to understand most of the conversation. She waited for him to speak, to tell her what he was thinking, since she couldn’t see his expression.
No doubt he was angry at being betrayed once again by a person close to him, one of the few people he’d let into his heart, someone for whom he’d sacrificed and given all his love—something Rebecca now knew didn’t come easy for him.
Suddenly, she realized his shoulders were shaking, and her ears picked up the softest and most heartbreaking sound she’d ever heard in her life.
