Shrink’s words swirl around in my head. They do little to console me. No matter what I did, I could never own a place in my mother’s heart. My chest heaves in pain as I cry uncontrollably.
Shrink gently brushes away my tears. “Jane, you have to move beyond your past and come face to face with the person you've become. But not in a mirror.”
The chime sounds. My sobs drown it out.
“Time’s up, Jane. I’ll see you here tomorrow.” Like a flash of light, Shrink disappears.
Unable to move, I realize my vanity had blinded me. It wasn’t Snow White’s beauty I envied. It was her knowledge. She knew what love was.
***
I’m practically a zombie as I do lunch set-up with Winnie. She, in contrast, is like a wind-up toy.
“Jane, I won’t be in group today,” she says cheerfully.
“How come?” I should feel a pang of jealousy, but I’m too worn out from my session with Shrink to feel anything.
“I’ll tell you later. I have a meeting with Shrink.”
She’s skipping a meal to see Shrink? I don’t get it. On second thought, maybe that’s how she’s been losing weight.
***
“Who would like to share today?” begins Grimm.
“I would,” says Pinocchio.
My heart skips a beat. Oh no! He’s going to tell everyone about last night!
He stands up. “I’m gay,” he announces.
Hook leaps up. “I’m not sitting next to some fag!”
Rage races through my bloodstream. “He’s a person! If you had half the heart he had, I’d find you appealing.”
Hook snarls. “So, that’s it, Jane. You like your men to be pretty boys.”
“Sit down, Hook!” orders Grimm.
Hook reluctantly lowers himself to his chair, sitting as far away as possible from Pinocchio.
I gaze at the beautiful boy-man. His nose has returned to normal size. It’s exquisite. As if someone sculpted it to perfection.
“Thank you for sharing, Pinocchio,” says Grimm, looking pleased. “Now that you’ve come out with the truth of who you are, you no longer have to live a life of lies.”
Pinocchio’s eyes connect with mine. We exchange a smile, knowing we’ll always have our unspoken moment of truth.
Grimm’s eyes rotate around the group, stopping on each of us. “We all hide behind protective screens. Each of you must come forward--like Pinocchio bravely just did--and face the reality of who you really are.”
Oz begins to sob. His face twitches; his body shakes.
“I’m not a great and powerful wizard. I’m a fake. My name is really Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs. I’m just a washed-up old magician.”
“Ha! You’re a joke!” snickers Sasperilla.
Grimm ignores her. “Oscar, getting old is difficult. Sometimes, we need to reinvent ourselves. Rewriting our lives is good as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.”
The wannabe wizard hangs his head low. “I’ve let down so many people.” His spasms lessen.
“Oscar, you’ve acknowledged your problem. That’s healthy,” says Grimm.
He addresses the group as a whole. “Sometimes we put a pompous title in front of our name like Wizard, Queen, or Captain to make us feel self-important. It’s a tell-tale sign of an addict. They tend to have a tremendous sense of self-importance and an extremely low sense of self-esteem.”
Hook and I exchange a nervous glance. It doesn’t take a genius to know Grimm’s referring to us.
“Are you implying I’m not important?” snaps Sasperilla.
“Sasperilla, have you ever thought you’ve sought to marry royalty to gain a title and self-importance?”
Sasperilla is taken aback. I have to admit Grimm is good. He’s really getting to her.
“You are important, Sasperilla.” The skinny bitch smiles smugly. “Except not as important as you think.” Her smile falls off her face like a scab.
“You suffer from an enormous amount of insecurity. You starve yourself to give yourself a sense of empowerment.”
Sasperilla fumes. “I’m not taking this bullshit from some dweeb who puts the self-important title ‘Doctor’ in front of his name. You’re as phony as the rest of us!”
Although I wouldn’t mind seeing Grimm come apart for once, he’s unfazed by her words.
“Sasperilla, I worked hard for my title; you, on the other hand, think you’re entitled. The truth is, you’re entitled to nothing. Not even to tomorrow.”
Grimm’s words shut Miss Bitchy-and-Entitled up.
“Would anyone else like to share?” asks Grimm.
“I would.” A giant lump forms in my throat. I’ve just uttered the two words I’ve most dreaded saying in group.
“What a joke!” snorts Sasperilla. “The selfish, self-centered bitch is actually going to share?”
Pinocchio springs to his feet. “You’re wrong! Jane is a beautiful, sensitive woman.”
“Like you’re an expert on women!” snickers the skinny bitch.
Poor Pinocchio looks like a hurt puppy. I want to rescue him.
“Sh-shut up, Sasperilla!” roars Rump as in her face as he can get without touching her.
She cowers in her chair. Thanks, Rump.
Slowly, I stand up. I clear my throat to free the words. “I have a problem. I’m addicted to beauty.”
I’ve finally said it.
“Puh-lease. That’s a problem? Every woman is,” sneers Sasperilla.
Pinocchio gazes at me with his soulful eyes. He gives me the courage to continue.
“My addiction to beauty drove me to do terrible things.”
“Can you elaborate?” asks Grimm.
“I tried to kill my stepdaughter Snow White. I was jealous of her,” I say tearfully.
The entire group is in a frozen state of shock. Except for Sasperilla who leaps out of her seat.
“I’m getting out of here before she does something terrible to me!” she shrieks.
Grimm shoves her back onto her chair. “Don’t move, Sasperilla!”
She shrivels like a child who’s about to get spanked.
Grimm refocuses his attention back on me.
“Jane, are you sorry you tried to kill Snow White?”
If he’d asked me that question when I first got to Faraway, the answer would have been a loud and clear “NO!” Now, I’m unsure.
“Well, Jane, yes or no?”
“YES!” I finally blurt out, sobbing uncontrollably. “I wouldn’t be here! Would I? I wouldn’t be so fu…” Sobs trump my words, and my voice trails off.
“Jane, you’ve made a tremendous breakthrough!” Grimm steps behind me and gently squeezes my heaving shoulders. “Group’s over for today.”
One by one, my fellow inmates follow him out, staring at me as I weep. All except Pinocchio who sits down beside me and holds my hand. My misery gives way to an unexpected lightness of being. Peace.
***
At dinner, I tell Winnie about my breakthrough. She’s all ears, and I’m surprised how much calmer I am. I feel closer to her than I ever have. After a proud hug, she eagerly tells me her news.
“Jane, I’m going home tomorrow! Shrink and Grimm think I’m ready to start my post-rehab apprenticeship.”
My heart sinks like a cannonball. I should feel happy for her. But I don’t. And, it’s not jealousy. It’s sadness. An awful eat-your-heart-up-alive sadness. First Elz. Now, Winnie. I’m losing another friend.
“That’s wonderful!” Finding my voice, I give her a perfunctory hug. “What will you be doing?”
“Shrink won’t tell me until the very last minute.”
My eyes grow watery. “I’m going to miss you, Winnie.”
“The same,” says Winnie, wiping away my tears. “You’ll be released soon too.”
The tears keep coming. I haven’t cried so much in one day since the loss of my child.
“Will you come to my birthday party after din
ner?”
Birthday party? That’s odd. She’s never mentioned an upcoming birthday.
“It’s not really a birthday party,” she continues. “It’s more of a going away party, but there’s a birthday cake because you’re starting your life anew.”
“Of course, I’ll be there.” I force a smile. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
***
After dinner, we all gather around a mammoth, candle-lit chocolate cake the Badass Fairies have baked in honor of Winnie and sing “Happy Birthday.” A big smile spreads across every face in the banquet hall, except Sasperilla’s
“I should be getting out here, not her!” she snivels.
The day she gets out of Faraway is the day I’m checking myself back in. That is, assuming I make it out of here.
“Make a wish, Winnie, and blow out the candles,” says Fanta.
With a smile, Winnie closes her eyes for a few seconds. When she re-opens them, she inhales deeply and then extinguishes the candles with one big breath.
Cheers and applause. She’s radiant. I bet she wished for something good for her kids.
Fairweather cuts the cake and then hands out a slice to everyone.
“No thank you,” says Winnie with all the will power she can muster.
I notice how baggy her dress is. She’s lost a ton of weight since her husband’s visit.
“Winnie, you’ve got to try it!” I insist. “Have a bite of mine.”
She caves in. “Okay, just one teeny weeny bite.”
I feed her a forkful of my cake. Then I take a bite. The two of us moan in ecstasy. I’m reminded of the night she, Elz, and I devoured her secret stash of chocolate. The memory makes me smile wistfully.
Sasperilla loiters over to us. “Winifred, I have a going away present for you.” Smirking, she thrusts her plate of cake at Winnie.
“And I have one for you,” says Winnie.
Before I can blink an eye, she smooshes the cake plate into the hollows of skinny bitch’s smirking face.
Sasperilla shrieks, unable to get her chocolate-covered jaw to close.
“I’ve always wanted to do that!” grins Winnie.
God, I’m going to miss her.
CHAPTER 18
By breakfast, Winnie’s already gone. I’ve been spared a tear-fest.
“You look like you’ve lost your best friend,” says Pinocchio.
“I have.” Two of them, I add silently.
He takes my hands in his.
“Thanks for being there for me in group yesterday,” I say.
“The same to you. That was a pretty heavy session. I’m glad I came out. Grimm told me I’ll be getting out of here pretty soon.”
Now, my new best friend is on his way out? With a heavy heart, I wander through The Enchanted Garden, aimlessly gathering fruit.
“Yo, Ho, Ho!”
I whirl around and find Hook standing behind me. He stabs a cherry I’ve picked with the sharp tip of his hook, then licks it with his tongue. Disgust rises in my chest.
“I came clean about my drinking.” He swallows the cherry whole. “I’m going back to Lalaland at the end of the week.”
What! He should be going straight to hell.
“So, Jane, what about it?” he says, moving closer to me.
“What about what?” I move away.
“You and me. It’s your last chance.”
“You and I belong in Neverland.”
Hooks smirks. What part of “never” doesn’t he understand?
Before I can pivot away, he hooks me by my neck and yanks me toward him.
“You’re hurting me! Get that claw of yours off me!” I scream.
Hook releases me and edges away. “I get it. It’s my hand, isn’t it?”
I actually feel a tinge of pity for him.
“No, Hook, it’s not your hand,” I say, more gently. “It’s just that I’m not that into you.”
“You don’t need to explain.” He storms off.
Some men obviously can’t take rejection.
***
After morning meditation, I trudge up to Shrink’s office, feeling blue every step of the way. Shrink flies in, full of energy, and circles around me.
“I heard you had a major breakthrough in group yesterday,” she says brightly.
“I suppose. I admitted I was addicted to beauty.”
“How do you feel?”
Should I tell her depressed, lonely, or confused? Or all of the above?
“Winnie’s gone,” I find myself saying instead.
“How do you feel about that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you feel jealous?”
“No, I’m happy for her. She deserves to go home to her family. She’s a good person.”
“That’s a healthy reaction. I must say, however, that your look belies your happiness.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jane, you seem sad.”
“I am sad!” My voice rises. “I miss her. Is that okay?”
“It’s more than okay. It’s excellent. You’ve connected to another person.”
She’s right. I’ve also connected to Elz, Pinocchio, Rump, and, in some way, Hook too.
“What’s special about Winifred?” asks Shrink.
“She cared about me. We had fun together.”
“Did you care about her?”
“Yes, of course, I cared about her.” I’m getting irritable. Where is she going with these stupid questions?
“Remember, that’s what friendship’s all about. Caring. Being there for each other in good times as well as bad.”
My mind flashes back to Winnie caring for me when I was sick. Other memories drift through my head…Elz fixing my bloody mess of a finger…Pinocchio standing up for me in group… Rump telling Sasperilla off.
Shrink hovers over me. “Jane, if I asked you today to write down the answer to this question--Do you have a best friend?--what would it be?”
I’ve answered that question before. On that bogus admissions form.
“Can there be two answers?”
Shrink’s face tenses up. “Only if you have to.”
“Then, Winifred and Elzmerelda.”
Shrink’s face relaxes. “That’s wonderful, Jane. I thought for a minute you were going to say Winifred and your ‘magic’ mirror.”
It takes a moment for her words to sink in. My mirror, magic or not, is no longer my best friend. I hardly miss it.
“Will I ever get to see them again?” I ask.
“Yes, Jane.”
In my next life, I suppose.
“Start packing your bag. You’ll be going back to Lalaland tomorrow morning. Both Dr. Grimm and I believe you’ve made significant progress here and are ready to continue your recovery there.”
I’m leaving Faraway? Bolting up, I gaze at Shrink with a mixture of shock, disbelief, and pure joy.
“But I still have evil thoughts.” Wait! Why am I telling her that when I’ve just gotten this great news?
“Give me an example.”
“Sometimes, I want to strangle Sasperilla.” I don’t dare tell her about my pixie juice fantasy.
“Many patients have said they’ve wanted to kill me.” So, I’m not alone. “But there’s a big difference between thinking evil and doing evil.”
I listen intently.
“Everyone has evil thoughts. Even I do.”
“Like what?” I ask, intrigued.
“I’d love to put my show-off sister Tink to shame once and for all and…Enough about me! We’re here to talk about you.”
She pauses reflectively. “Jane, do you think you’ve changed?”
I’d better be careful how I answer her questions. The last thing I want to do is blow my chance of getting out of here. I nod. “Yes, I feel like I’ve turned a corner.”
“No, Jane, you haven’t turned a corner.”
Oh no! I’ve blown it.
“You’ve become a whole new person. Someone w
ho has shown compassion and kindness; someone who has demonstrated the meaning of friendship; someone who has felt both joy and sadness; someone who has even saved a life.”
Yes, hers! My skin tingles. I have done all these things!
Shrink smiles at me warmly. “Jane, you are ready.”
The chime sounds.
“Time’s up for today, Jane. I’ll see you here tomorrow. It’ll be our last session together.”
Shrink zooms out of her office, covering me, as usual, in a pouf of fairy dust. But today, it feels magical. I can’t believe it! I’m going home! To my castle! At last!
***
On my way to group after lunch, Hook grabs me in the corridor and pins me against the wall. After I’ve rejected him a gazillion times--even a few hours ago--why won’t he give up? At least, I won’t have to put up with him much longer. I’m going home in less than twenty-four hours.
“Come on, Jane. You know you want me,” he says, pressing his chest hard against mine.
“Hook, the only thing I want is to go to group. Don’t make me late for my last session.”
He flicks his tongue at me.
I’ve had it. With all I’ve got, I kick him in the shin.
Wincing, he backs away.
“Why did you do that?” he asks, massaging the dent I’ve left on his shiny black boot.
“I hate you.”
“You love me.” He winces again.
Suffer, swineface! I march down the hall to group with Hook hobbling behind me. I’m going to share again today. It’s time to tell everyone what a pompous asshole he is. They deserve to know.
When I get to group, the door’s closed. Damn! They’ve started without me.
Tentatively, I open the door.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Everyone’s there singing on top of their lungs. My fellow inmates, Grimm, Shrink, and the Badass Fairies. Even Gulliver and the two hair fairies. I never thought I’d ever be happy to see them again.
I feel bad I was so mean to Hook. He was just trying to bide time so I wouldn’t blow my surprise party.
“Hook, you’re okay,” I say with a humble smile.
He shoots a smile back at me. It’s not one of his smarmy smirks. This one’s genuine. Almost sentimental. Yes, we’ve been through a lot. I’ll miss him in some strange way.
1 Dewitched Page 13
