by Brent, Tara
Then suddenly she had gone cold.
It was my fault. Of course it was.
She had vanished and pushed me from her life and honestly, I deserved it. I cursed myself as I looked back at things now. I was so stupid. I was just a dumb kid, but I was older than her and I should have known better. I had failed her terribly.
I regretted not supporting her more with her abortion. I never understood the extent of what I was asking her to do back then. I was a bit of an asshole.
I wasn’t sure how to put it all into words. What could I say to her? For a moment I panicked, I needed to speak to her. It was my one chance, my one opportunity to apologize and try and make things right between us. To ask for forgiveness for my selfish idiocy all those years ago.
Before I could change my mind, I dashed after her, turning down the other end of the aisle where I had seen her go and attempting to cut her off at the other end. She was just about to dart off and I was sure that she had not seen me.
“Samantha?!” I called after her, hoping that it was her and that I wasn’t making a total idiot of myself by calling after some random woman.
I knew that she recognized my voice when she froze. She turned slowly and then scrambled to do something odd. She grabbed what looked like a towel from inside her trolley and then rather messily, she threw it over her trolley as I walked towards her, determined to speak to her and have her listen to what I had to say. I frowned, suspicious. What could possibly be inside her trolley that she wanted to hide? I smirked, guessing it was something embarrassing like a pack of condoms or some lingerie. For a moment I felt like teasing her as I would years ago, but I resisted, understanding that it just wasn’t appropriate.
She didn’t speak to me, and she looked at me with a cold glare. “Rick,” she said, and the name sounded bitter on her tongue as she looked up at me.
“I’ve been trying to contact you,” I admitted. I wasn’t sure how else to approach her or what else to say.
“Yes, I know, I blocked you,” she replied with a smile.
Her words made me falter. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?
“Yeah, I kinda deserved that. I was an asshole,” I admitted.
I was now mature enough to know that this situation was entirely my fault. I had been selfish. I had only been thinking about mine and Josh’s business - about money. I had been so wrapped in our business start-up that I hadn’t asked Samantha what she wanted. I had just assumed. I hadn’t been thinking straight.
She looked surprised at my words but she merely folded her arms and glared at me.
“Yes, you were,” she agreed and that knocked me because I didn’t expect her to agree with me with such conviction.
“I’m erm. I’m erm... about what happened...” I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
Paranoid, I looked from side to side as if the people around us would hear and immediately know how I had wronged her all those years ago. As much as I wanted to apologize, I couldn’t risk anyone knowing what had happened. I ran a well-respected business in town, and everyone knew who I was. I couldn’t let such a thing get out to the public. It would ruin me.
Samantha looked at me expectantly, and I faltered. I shouldn't have because my words were right there on the tip of my tongue. But now my chance was here I fell silent.
“I’m actually busy, Rick. So, if you’ve got something, please, go ahead,” she invited me with a sassy tone.
I did a double-take at the passion in her voice. She looked the same, but she was different - she was stronger, more independent and so very clearly standing on her own two feet. I couldn’t stop my eyes from darting down to her hands to see if there was a wedding band, but her fingers were bare. She noticed me do it and hid her hands and then looked away, avoiding my eyes for a moment.
“I... I wanted to apologize, Samantha,” I said, finally finding my words. “That’s all... I’m sorry.”
I was pleased to see that she looked shocked, she went as far as her mouth dropping open. But that didn’t last long, she quickly recovered from my words and her face changed to a hardened expression.
“Are you, Rick? Thanks. That instantly fixes everything,” she replied sarcastically, and she frowned at me, clearly upset.
I'm fucking it all up again! I thought to myself, and I wracked my brain on how to make it right.
She went to walk past me but I grabbed her trolley and stopped her from moving. “Hey, hey!” I said, eager for her to listen to what I had to say. “I mean it, please, Sam, just hear me out,” I insisted. "I just want to apologize, that's all."
She stopped and then sighed, finally meeting my eye again. “Go on then, say what you want to say. Get it out of your system to make yourself feel better and then we can both move on and carry on with our lives.”
She had put me on the spot, and I found myself speechless again. I was startled. Normally I was so smooth around women. I knew all the best things to say, and how to make them happy. Yet when it came to Samantha, I felt clueless. “I... Please, I have a lot of things that I want to say. Just give me a chance, Samantha. One chance, that’s all I want.”
She glared at me again but I could see a faint blush beginning to bloom on her cheeks and I knew I had her. She was flustered and surprised at my persistence. I knew now I had to do what I should have done three years ago.
“So what, you want to have a heart to heart with me in the middle of Walmart of all places?” she asked, gesturing around us.
“No, no, let me take you out," I insisted. "We can catch up and it will be my treat. I owe you that much."
She glared at me again but her face softened. "Yes, you do. You owe me a lot, but I'm not sure if I want it anymore, Rick."
The words saddened me. This was all my fault. "Are you staying with your parents? I can come and pick you up and we'll go somewhere nice.” I wasn’t sure why she was here and if she was staying long, but I knew I had to take advantage of it where I could.
“I...” She hesitated. “Yes. I’m just staying for the weekend.”
The weekend? I could work with that. It was Friday evening so I could take her out tomorrow or Sunday depending on when she was free.
“Rick,” she sighed, “it’s just... this is not a good idea. I don’t think you have much to say to me that can change anything. Sorry.”
Red-faced, she pushed past me and left me feeling confused about what had just happened. More than ever, I wanted Samantha Jenkins.
Chapter Three
Samantha
What an idiot.
I am such an idiot.
I couldn’t stop cursing myself as I power walked past Rick, pushing past him and heading to the checkout, not caring if I forgot half the things that I needed. I would have to just tackle that problem when it came later on. Right now, I couldn’t bring myself to care. My emotions were all over the place and I wanted to go home and I just wanted to get out of this freaking Walmart.
I hated how much my heart was palpitating from being close to him. I hated that my hands were sweating and that I was so affected over what had just happened. I hated that I hadn’t handled it well. At all. I’d been so rude to him. It was like I wasn't in control and the words were just pouring out of my mouth and I couldn’t stop them no matter how hard I tried. I had made it clear I was bitter and I hadn’t forgiven him for what he had done to me.
And most of all, I hated that I was still in love with him.
How was it possible after all of these years? After everything that I had been through, that I had accomplished, my heart still yearned for him. How was it fair? I’d tried so hard to tell myself that I didn’t need him. I had proven to myself that I didn’t and yet, like some stupid teenage girl, I was basically a blushing idiot at the sight of him.
It had been three years and though it had been an eternity, it felt like I was back where I was again. Barely five minutes had passed and I was whisked up under his spell again.
I took some deep breaths. I wasn’t su
re what else to do but to try to shove these feelings down. Why was I so weak when it came to him?
You know why, the little voice in my head whispered and I shoved it away. I wasn’t ready to open that can of worms any time soon.
I felt furious with myself. I had tried to prepare myself for this happening and yet somehow, I had messed it all up. I just... I thought I would be able to handle seeing him and I couldn’t. I had made myself look stupid.
How must I look to him? Jesus. He must think I’m a complete mess... I am a complete mess...
And damn, that was an understatement, my brown hair was scooped up onto my head in the world’s messiest bun and was barely holding itself together and I wasn’t wearing an ounce of make-up. I probably looked pale and knackered from the day that I’d had – at least, I felt it. Great. I glanced down at myself and rolled my eyes at my own appearance. The tank top I was wearing had a questionable stain on it and I was wearing my favorite comfortable sneakers which I was pretty sure that he had bought me for my eighteenth birthday.
God, I’m such a slob. How embarrassing. No wonder he was staring at me. He was probably wondering what he ever saw in me. Damn.
I quickly threw everything on the conveyor belt at the checkout and tried my best not to get emotional in the middle of the store. I felt like everyone was staring at me, but I knew that wasn't true. It didn't stop me from feeling paranoid though. I focused on looking ahead of myself and neatening everything obsessively, trying to busy myself in any way that I could that would distract me from what had just happened. I didn’t dare look behind me in fear that he was looking at me still, or that someone had seen our embarrassing exchange.
Damn, I was such a mess!
I managed to shove everything into my shopping bags quickly and get out of the store in record time. The girl at the checkout thankfully didn’t bother with small talk and I was so grateful because if I spoke, I’d probably cry. Maybe my face said it all and she took pity on me.
I left the store, my trolley overflowing with my purchases and my eyes firmly fixed on the floor. I didn’t dare look up in case Rick or Charlie were hanging around. If they were, I was better off not knowing.
I made a beeline for my SUV and opened the back with a click of my car key from my back pocket. I shoved everything into the trunk of my car with little care, slammed the door several times as it got stuck on the bulky bags and then climbed into the driver’s side of the car. I hurriedly locked the door. For a moment I just sat there with my hands shaking as I went over what had just happened. And then went over and over it again, but I felt a little safer inside my locked car. If Rick approached me now, I was sure I’d probably just drive away.
I took some time to compose myself and it took a lot longer than I thought. Seeing him again was nothing like I had expected. He was still as handsome as ever, still as annoyingly attractive. His shiny dark hair, his deep dark eyes, his sharp jaw and the five-o'clock shadow across his cheeks and neck made me feel weak at the knees. He was like someone who had stepped straight out of some kind of fashion magazine. He had always had a way of looking ridiculously attractive with hardly any effort at all and I hated that he was still blessed with that trait – a spiteful part of me had hoped that he had grown fat. He had filled out more, but instead of the fat I had wondered about, he was effortlessly lean and muscled and was a little taller than what I remembered, or maybe my memories of him had altered over time. I’d spent so much time hating him that I’d forgotten how much I really did love him.
I’m so fucked. What am I going to do? Why did I lie? How am I going to get out of this?
I’d unintentionally lied, and now there was no way how I was to explain why I had lied. I didn’t know why I lied about just being here for the weekend. It was probably to protect myself. Most likely. But it was a stupid idea and I shouldn’t have done it. He was going to find out. The thing was, my parents were best friends with his parents, and though I had told them to be vague about me the last few years and they had, there was no way that they would outright lie about me moving back.
What was I supposed to say the next time I ran into him? I couldn’t let my parents argue for my side. It would cause a lot of problems for them. They’d already done so much for me, the house, the... well, they’d done so much more than what I deserved. I would just have to set him straight the next time I saw him. I would tell him that I had moved back and I wanted nothing to do with him.
With that in mind, I headed back home, hoping that I hadn’t wasted too much time sitting in the car park and talking to myself like a lunatic.
Chapter Four
Rick
I watched Samantha go and though she was clearly upset with me, all I could think about was seeing her again. I wanted to go after her but I knew it would be a bad idea. If I followed her now then she would probably explode at me and I didn’t want that. I was already in her bad books and pushing her now would just make her madder at me.
I wanted to fix this more than anything but what she had said was right, it wasn't something that could just be fixed overnight. There was a lot of problems and that night when she had told me that she was pregnant was the night that had wrecked us. I knew that I had broken her heart that night. I had so many regrets about the way that we had ended.
“Well, that was embarrassing,” Charlie said, appearing at my side again. He had been standing off to the side and inspecting some cereal as if it was the most interesting thing in the world while we had our heated exchange. And now he was back to rub it in like he always did. “She made a fool of you, didn’t she?” he mocked me.
Trust good old Charlie to tell me exactly as it was. He had never been one for sugar-coating things and his favorite pastime was winding me up.
I laughed awkwardly. “Yep,” I replied, “yeah, she did.” Because there was no denying it.
He laughed before carrying on down the next aisle and leaving me standing there for a moment like an idiot.
I should have been annoyed. I should have wanted to give up. But I didn't. If anything, I felt the opposite. I’d had a few short relationships and flings since Samantha, but nothing like what I’d had with her. Samantha... She’d been different. I hadn’t realized I was in love with her until it was too late.
Seeing her had just confirmed that I hadn’t been pining for nothing all these years. I loved Sam and I was determined to make things right.
I carried on helping Charlie with his shopping, but I didn’t pay attention to what was happening. Instead my mind was focused on Samantha and I was wracking my brain of my next steps. More than anything, I knew that I had to fix this.
***
“YOU ASSHOLE!” I greeted my best friend Josh as soon as the line stopped ringing. I didn’t even give him a chance to answer before I was ready to bite his head off.
“I was wondering when you’d call,” was the reply I received.
Josh, my business partner, one of my oldest friends and of course, Samantha’s older brother hadn’t told me that his little sister was back for the weekend, despite knowing that I had been wanting to talk to her for the best part of the last three years. He had this infuriating way of doing the complete opposite of what I wanted, all the while keeping me in the dark about everything that was going on.
“So you knew she was coming back?” I asked, feeling like an idiot. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I demanded.
Josh was so annoying sometimes. I’d only just seen him this morning at work, in fact, we’d even spent lunch together today and he hadn’t thought to mention it?
What a jerk.
Josh sighed down the line. “She’s my sister, man,” he said like it explained everything and in a way it did but I was mad so I didn’t want to listen to his logic.
“You could have at least given me a heads up.” I frowned, hating to admit to myself that I was sulking a little over this whole situation because I was. I was sulking like a child and then had called my friend to complain.
�
�You know that Sam doesn’t want to see you,” he said. “And Rick, it’s complicated. You know she had feelings for you, she’s embarrassed after all these years.”
I groaned. “No, it’s not complicated! You could have just said: FYI, Rick, Sam’s around this weekend, be prepared to run into her and to have her chew you out.”
See, it sounded so simple. Though I wasn’t sure how this would help the situation in any way - Samantha seemed pretty annoyed at me.
Well, I could have braced myself better, I thought. Though a voice in the back of my head told me that no amount of preparation could help me with this. I’d already proved that. I’d fantasized about running into Samantha in a thousand different situations and that hadn’t helped me. I’d frozen up like an idiot and I hadn’t said anything that I wanted to.
“No, I couldn’t have warned you,” Josh rebutted. “I told you that I never wanted to get involved in any of this. I know you two had a thing or whatever. But she’s my sister. I can’t take sides. You know she would kill me if I betrayed her trust.”
Josh would probably punch him in the face if he knew the true extent of what had happened between them and the thought sobered him. Josh didn’t owe him anything.
Josh was only being honest. He had repeatedly cut off my questions over the years, he had never talked to me about any of it. No matter how much I asked, he would never give her my messages, or give me her number. Eventually, I had stopped asking as it had been pointless. He was never going to tell me what I wanted to hear.
“I know but I ran into her in Walmart of all places,” I complained.
I groaned, realizing that I wasn’t even mad at Josh. I was mad at myself. I was frustrated that I had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me and now it seemed as if she would never forgive me and why should she?
