by Brent, Tara
I was sure that there weren’t enough roses in the world to fix what I had done. But I had to start somewhere. I had to try.
Chapter Seven
Samantha
My worries completely faded away as I pulled into my parents' driveway. I was so excited to see everyone. I wasn’t going to let Rick of all people ruin this for me. I had been counting down the days until I would be here and now finally, I was standing in front of the familiar white door of my childhood home and ringing the doorbell. Even the sound of the familiar silly jingle brought a smile to my face – it was the little things in life.
There was a scurry of sounds as everyone ran towards the door and then suddenly, the door was opening and I was jumped, everyone was there at once and pulling me into a family hug. I almost buckled under the weight.
“Sammy!” called a collection of voices and my heart melted. After all these years, I was finally home.
“Hey, guys!” I greeted, squeezing them all in return.
My mom, dad, and Josh were crushing me with their cuddles in return, but the most important was the tiny arms that were wrapped around my legs.
I instantly reached down and scooped the small toddler into my arms. I buried my face into his hair and breathed in his familiar scent of his baby shampoo and I felt my eyes well up.
“Hello, sweetheart,” I greeted him, immediately petting his soft brown hair from his face.
I had missed him so much that it just wasn’t possible to put into words. I kissed down his soft little face and carried him inside, shutting the door behind us. I was happy when he clung to me, his little legs gripping onto my hips and he squeezed me as tight as his little arms would allow him.
“Mommy, mommy!” he cried.
I gave him a huge smile, trying my best to pretend that I was fine and that it hadn’t killed me to be away from him the past few weeks. Being without Benny had made me feel like there was a part of me missing. I never knew what to do with myself when I was away from him. Spending twenty-four hours with this tiny person for the past few years was overwhelming, but he was my whole world and I was so happy to be reunited with him. I felt like I had my purpose again.
“Hey, Benny, mommy missed you so much. Have you been good for nana and granddad?” I asked him.
He looked at me unsurely as he sucked on two of his fingers, drool on his face. I wiped it off lovingly with the sleeve of my jacket.
“Still teething, huh, baby?” I asked him, unable to resist kissing his soft red cheeks again. His molars were coming through, so he’d been so grumpy and restless for a little while.
“He’s been as good as gold,” my mom told me. “He seems to have settled well. He’s excited about the new house. I took him over the last few nights and we slept over there. I hope you don’t mind, I just thought it would help him to get used to things.”
I had been worried about how I would cope with a restless toddler that still woke in the night several times for cuddles when I was as tired as I was. I didn’t mind, obviously, he was my son and I would do everything for him, but being a single mum was hard. Having Benny at my parents the last few weeks so I could pack up and sort everything had been a lifesaver, but two weeks away from my little boy was just too long. At least I’d managed to get everything done that I had needed to.
“That’s fantastic, mom, thank you,” I said sincerely as I followed her through the house.
It smelled like home and it still had the same feel to it. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until I could smell my mom’s cooking and instantly, all the rubbish that I was feeling about Rick was forgotten. It wasn’t important anymore. I had everything I needed right here.
“Have you had a good day, Benny? Have you been having fun here?” I asked, but I already knew the answer as I could see that there were Lego blocks all over the living room floor and his dinosaurs were arranged across the coffee table.
My mom poured me a soda and pushed it towards me but as I picked it up and attempted to drink it, she just ended up pulling me into a hug again. I messily put the glass down before the soda went everywhere.
Benny protested, whining loudly and pushing away from me to be put down. I reluctantly put him down to the floor and watched him race off towards Josh.
“‘Osh, ‘Osh, Momma here.” He pointed towards me excitedly, grabbed Josh’s hand and led him back into the kitchen to show him.
“Oh, hi, Momma Sammy,” he greeted. “I didn’t see you there,” he said with false enthusiasm.
I couldn’t stop the smile on my face. “Yeah, momma’s home now. Did you miss me?” I asked, getting down to his level and desperate to be close to him. I just wanted to hold him close.
“No, Momma,” he replied, shaking his head before waddling off and back towards the giant Lego blocks.
“Damn, harsh,” Josh said with a laugh.
I scowled at him and playfully punched his shoulder. “Shove off, Josh,” I complained before basically pouting.
“You two stop,” my mom scolded, “Sammy’s been home five minutes and you’ve already started.”
“Yes, Mom,” we echoed simultaneously with practiced ease.
“How are you, sweetheart? You look well!” she asked.
Honestly, I felt quite good aside from being tired. After talking to Andrew, I felt loads better and now I was finally back in my childhood home, things felt easier. Really, I was hungry more than anything.
My stomach answered that for me, grumbling loudly. “Starved.” I laughed.
“Oh, of course! Dinner won’t be long. Now out of the kitchen.”
She shooed the two of us out and we made our way into the living room to watch Benny.
“Sooooo, guess who just called me, humiliated?” Josh asked as soon as we were out of earshot of our parents.
I groaned and flopped down on the sofa and hid my face in my hands. I should have guessed that he would call Josh. I knew that the two of them were close despite the mess between Rick and I. After all, Josh didn’t know the full story. No-one did really.
“I know, it was awful... I just... I saw him and I panicked. I didn’t know what to say so I kind of ended up being far too harsh,” I murmured, my words slightly muffled by my hands. “And there were people. Oh god, what if people I know saw me?” I groaned.
“I doubt it. And, well, he didn’t tell me what happened but he certainly seemed upset. You must have really done a number on him.”
“I didn’t mean to,” I replied as I sat up. “Just, seeing him was so hard. I thought I’d be okay but... erg. The words were just pouring from my mouth. It was like I had no control at all.”
Josh laughed at me and I huffed not sure what else to say.
It was nice to see Josh, I hadn’t seen him since he had visited me at my old place over six months ago. I was happy I would be seeing him more regularly, after all, we had always got along really well despite being brother and sister. It was Josh who understood me the most out of everyone in my family.
When I had broken down at the clinic three years ago, and I hadn’t been able to go through with the abortion, it was Josh who I had called. He had been shocked to find me in such a place, but he had picked me up with minimal questions and hadn’t judged me. I had come clean to him about being pregnant, but I dared not tell him that it was his best friend who had put me in that situation. No. It was only Andrew that knew the truth. My family could never know. I knew I couldn’t keep the lie up forever - that Benny was the result of a nameless one-night stand. But I didn’t know what else to do.
Josh had always supported me. It was Josh who was there for me when I told him I wanted to keep the baby and raise it myself. He had kept quiet about it all and then had helped me pack up for college without telling our parents the news. He let me drop that bomb. He had even acted surprised when I announced it months later.
Josh had always been there for me, so it was nice that we would be able to spend more time together. He was an excellent brother to me and an even b
etter uncle to little Ben. I was over the moon that the two of them could spend time together whenever they liked now and I loved that Benny would have such a good role model in his life.
I spent a few moments watching Benny play with the blocks, fitting them together and then breaking them back down again as he talked to himself in a little toddler language that only he understood.
“Thanks for... you know, everything,” I said, my voice hushed in fear of our parents hearing us. I didn’t want them to know I’d run into Rick in fear of them making jokes about us getting together now that we were older and that I had graduated.
Josh shrugged like it was nothing and shot me a smile. “It’s fine. I kind of have to do what you say, you’re my little sister and those are the rules,” he joked. I was grateful for Josh’s word.
Well, I certainly hoped so because my carefully constructed lies would all come crashing around me if even one person broke my trust and started talking about my situation. It honestly kept me up at night. I hoped I could take my secret to the grave but I wasn’t that naive. I just wanted to keep it all together for as long as I could. I needed time to figure out how Benny could remain unharmed in all of this.
It was then that Josh’s phone pinged, and he instantly grabbed it from his pocket, a huge smile lighting up his face as he frantically typed and then placed his phone on the coffee table.
“Anyway, how is everything?” I asked him, gesturing at his phone with a knowing look on my face.
“Things are actually really good.”
He looked happy and he flushed a little which was the most telling thing. The little smile that appeared on his face was infectious.
“Have you told mom and dad yet?” I asked.
“No,” he replied with a laugh, looking a little nervous at the prospect.
“You know it will be fine, don’t you?” I told him looking at him sincerely.
His face said it all, signs of his previous teasing disappearing in front of me once the table had been turned. “I know, I just... I don’t want to disappoint them.”
I could understand that. I’d been there. It was Josh’s secret so I would respect his choices as he had respected my own.
“Okay, but you know you won’t,” I responded. “I mean, you’ve got big competition with beating my teen pregnancy, I don’t think that you can top that. It will be my turn to act surprised.”
He laughed, looking a little better. “Thanks, Sammy.”
I shrugged. It wasn’t a problem. He was my brother and I would do anything for him.
“Dinner’s ready everyone!” our mom called interrupting our secret conversation. We jumped up and made our way to the kitchen. I grabbed Benny, sitting him on my hip as he whined about being taken away from his toys. “No, mama, legos,” he protested.
“No, no, it’s dinner time now, honey,” I explained to him. “We’re gonna all sit down and have something to eat. You must be hungry, right?” I asked him but he merely kicked his legs and started to whine again. I rolled my eyes fondly.
We all made our way to the dining room and my dad appeared again. He had returned to his office no doubt and would be working, despite the fact it was late at night. He had always been a workaholic.
I sat Benny in his highchair and clipped him in with the five-point harness while he wiggled around like a worm, protesting, and we all sat down to eat the meal my mom had lovingly prepared for us. Meatloaf and vegetables, and mash potatoes, and a healthy amount of gravy to cover it all. My mom said grace and then we all tucked in, Benny shouting noisily and immediately put his hands straight in his dinner in favor of using his tiny cute cutlery.
“Benny, stop making a mess—” I told him.
“Oh, he’s fine, darling,” my mom interrupted, and I rolled my eyes. She’d probably let him get away with anything which was surprising since she had been so strict with raising us. As a grandparent, she was the complete opposite.
“No, stop making a mess, you’re making more mess for your poor nana,” I said fondly, passing him his tiny fork in an attempt to encourage him to use it but he smeared mash potato in his hair in response and then smiled at me.
“Mess, mess, mess!” he yelled before emptying his plate of food onto the tray attached to his highchair, he then dropped it to the floor. The plastic bounced and he laughed. I should have been annoyed, but I had missed him so much and I could see the humor of the situation, so I had to concentrate on keeping a straight face and not to join in his laughter.
“Benny, that’s very nice,” I told him as I picked up his plate, my own dinner forgotten as I started to clean up his mess, my job as mom immediately falling back into place. I’d missed being a mom, even if it was just to do silly tasks like this.
He just laughed, “Funny, mama,” he announced proudly as I started to wet-wipe potato off him. It took a few moments before I gave up, realizing that he was only going to do it again within minutes.
When I sat back down, I looked at everyone sitting at the table together and I was filled with a sense of nostalgia. It was amazing to have a home-cooked meal and to be back here after the day I’d had.
“Thanks for cooking, mom,” I said.
I probably would have had something quick and boring. I always tended to cook for Benny and then pick at whatever I was cooking for him. There was never any point cooking myself a full meal when I’d already made something simple for Benny – he could be a little fussy with his appetite.
“Oh, it’s not a problem,” she replied, “you know I love cooking for you all. It’s so nice to finally have everyone home together and sit around the family table again.”
I had to agree, despite my worries about Rick, it was honestly lovely to just be surrounded by my family and to be home.
***
The evening went by so quickly that when I looked towards the clock I couldn’t believe the time. We had all had second helpings of our meal and then a huge helping of homemade peach cobbler with ice-cream. By the time I’d finished eating, my jeans were feeling tighter than when I had first arrived. I was pretty sure that I hadn’t eaten this much in months.
I spent time with my family, chatting and catching up with each other until Benny’s eyes were drooping and he had long fallen asleep on my lap. It was then that I realized that I should get going. My dad transferred his car seat into my own car and then I strapped him in, obsessively checking him in the mirror as I drove us to our new home.
It didn’t take long, the house was barely ten minutes from where my parents lived, and I was happy to pull into the drive. I scooped Benny out of the seat and then carried him upstairs and to his bedroom and surprisingly, he didn’t make a peep.
I had looked at his room earlier on and I thought it was such a perfect little room for him. At the other place, his crib had been in my room, so I wondered how he would be sleeping far away from his momma. I wondered if I was in for one of those sleepless nights where he slept for a few hours and then was up and whining. I secretly hoped that he would need me because I felt like I needed him. As hard as it was, I loved being his mom and it was nice to feel loved and relied upon sometimes. It was a selfish need of mine, one which I had after not seeing him for weeks.
I carefully changed him out of his daytime clothes and put a pull-up on him and some dinosaur pajamas. I kissed his little flushed face before putting him inside his crib. I tucked him in with his tiny blanket and then slowly backed away waiting for him to stir as soon as I was too far away from him. But he remained settled.
I turned his nightlight on and then his baby monitor. I stood and watched him sleep for a few moments. I couldn’t help it. He was my whole world and I had missed him terribly. I had been tossing and turning the whole time that I had been away from him and I had woken at the usual times he woke, confused to why my baby wasn’t crying. I’d then lie in bed disappointed and feeling alone and like there was a hole in my heart from the distance between us.
“Good night, Benny. Momma’s here
if you need me, you call, okay?”
I blew him a kiss before stepping away from his room and leaving the door wide open so I could see and hear him.
I felt much more settled as I got ready to turn in for the night. Just knowing that Benny was in the other room was enough to make me relax – even if I did keep checking on him every ten minutes or so. I locked up the house and then got ready for bed.
I snuggled into my new bed in my new room, trying to get comfortable as I lay there browsing through my phone. I couldn’t help it as I clicked onto the Facebook application. I knew I shouldn’t, but it was like I was back in the grocery store and I was unable to stop myself. I was on autopilot as I unblocked Rick Carson and then went searching for his profile. It barely took seconds since he was in Josh’s friends’ list.
What am I doing? I asked myself. I knew that this was a terrible idea. I would be torturing myself.
Click away while you can, Sam, just leave it before this goes too far.
Yet, I continued to look at his Facebook page. He was registered as the CEO of his and Josh’s company, and most of his photos and posts were around work events – photos of him at evening parties and at expensive dinners. I found myself obsessively checking if there was a girlfriend there but there didn’t seem to be. In fact, there didn’t seem to be anything to do with relationships in his history.
I looked through his folders, and I was disappointed to find that there were many pictures of him with attractive women – the type of girls that I could only dream to look like, dream to be. They smiled gracefully at the camera, their makeup flawless and their hair perfect. I thought about how I must look now, in my baggy pajamas and an eye mask on my forehead. I didn’t know what was worse, if he had a girlfriend, or if he had turned into a massive playboy of some kind. I hated that it made me feel jealous.
