by Brent, Tara
“Is that Benny trashing the place already?” he asked.
“I guess so, I’ll see you tonight. Keep me in the loop okay and drive safe.”
“No problem! Bye!”
I basically skipped downstairs, excited to share the news with Benny.
“Benny, guess who's coming today?” I called as I made my way back to him.
I was surprised to see that he was actually behaving somewhat. The bang had been him dropping his plate on the kitchen floor but he was trying to clean up the small mess he had made. He completely ignored my question in his normal manner, favoring attempting to pick up some left- over egg.
“Hey, Benny, Andrew is coming today,” I told him.
That caught his attention. He looked up at me excited. “And Rew?” he asked, his eyes wide as he started to dance around excited. “I love And Rew.”
“I know you do honey. He’ll be here later.”
“Yay!” he exclaimed.
“Right, now go and get your shoes and coat on, okay? We’re going to see nana and granddad.”
***
When I arrived at my mom’s, I let myself inside using my key and Benny immediately pushed past me and ran off through the house to find his toys. I made my way to the kitchen, suspecting that my mom would be there but she wasn’t, instead, my attention was drawn to something else.
A large bouquet of yellow roses was placed on the kitchen table and I walked towards them, picking them up. They were beautiful and I admired them for a few moments.
“Wow, I didn’t know dad was still a romantic,” I commented, leaning in to smell them. It had a nostalgic smell which made me feel a little confused.
“Oh, those came for you this morning,” my mom greeted, making me jump out of my skin.
Suddenly, I remembered where I had smelt that scent before and I sighed, feeling sad. These were from Rick. My heart ached.
Why is he doing this? Why now?
I was starting to wonder if coming back was a mistake.
“Secret admirer?” my mom asked me and I shot her a look. After all, she knew exactly who they were from. She was not stupid.
“Just Rick,” I sighed, before dumping them in the trash.
My mom raised an eyebrow at me.
“Stop judging me,” I muttered.
At that moment I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to ignore this problem and that it wouldn’t fix itself. I was going to have to talk to Rick.
Chapter Ten
Rick
After dropping the files off with the party planner, I made my way over to the hotel to make sure that everything was ready. The planner would be over at two o’clock and I had to make sure that the room was open and that everything had been prepared and was accessible. The hotel was doing the catering so that was one less thing to worry about, but I would have to go and collect the helium balloons from the store.
On my way out of the balloon store, after loading about fifty balloons into the van, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander back to Samantha. I wondered how she was. Now that I had seen her, I missed her terribly. It was like we’d spent no time apart.
I sat in the van feeling guilty. Should I really go over there? I didn’t know what to do. I’d already sent her flowers, but it just didn’t feel like enough. Would anything ever be enough? Was I being selfish by sending these things or was I showing her I was serious? I didn’t know but I couldn’t just do nothing.
I hesitated before going back towards the store. I walked back inside and looked around at the balloon bouquets. There was a clear heart which contained pink glitter and sequins and two smaller pink hearts sat inside. It was pretty and unique and I really liked it.
I ordered it to Valerie and Roger’s house for Samantha tomorrow. She would probably shout at me the next time that I saw her, but I wanted her to know that I was thinking about her.
I avoided going back to the office with the clear intention of dropping in on Samantha, it was like I was on autopilot and before I realized it, I was already pulling into Valerie and Roger’s drive. The journey had been so simple that I’d hardly noticed it. I just hoped that she was in and I would catch her.
Valerie greeted me at the door.
“Oh, hi, Rick! Are you looking for Josh? I haven’t seen him since last night! Please, come in,” she encouraged, opening the door for me. I followed her inside like I had a thousand times before.
“I was actually looking for Samantha, is she here?” I asked as I looked around, hoping to spot her hiding somewhere in her typical Samantha fashion.
Valerie looked at me knowingly. “Are you now?” she asked with a giggle. “I would say I’m shocked but I’m really not,” she said. “I always thought the two of you might end up together.” She grinned at me.
“Yeah,” I replied, the guilt gnawing at me.
Her parents had always been so nice. How could I possibly ever explain to them that I had slept with their daughter, got her pregnant and then encouraged her to have an abortion three years ago and that’s why we had never worked out?
“I was popping in to catch her, I wanted to invite her to the party tonight. I wasn’t sure if you’d be bringing her or not?” I tried to sound casual about it, but I was anything but and Valerie saw straight through me.
“Well, let’s put it this way, she got your flowers this morning,” she said, walking over to the trash can and then opening the lid. The roses were crushed inside and unsalvageable. She must have been pretty mad.
“Oh, dear,” I replied. “It seems she still isn’t really interested.”
Valerie laughed and I gave her a weak smile.
“Well, she’s at home now, dear, maybe you should pop to her house and speak to her face to face? She’d probably love to come to the party, I know she hasn’t got any plans tonight.” She trailed off, talking to herself but I wasn’t really listening any longer as I processed what she was telling me.
Her house?
I frowned a little, feeling confused. “I’m sorry, Valerie, did you just say ‘her house’?” I asked because surely, I must have misheard what she had said.
“Yes, did she not tell you?” She turned to me, looking at me like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “She’s moved back home. She’s staying in one of our properties on King Street.”
“King Street?” I asked, trying to process what I was being told. King Street wasn’t far from here. I’d driven past it a hundred times.
“Yes, number twenty-two.” She smiled at me encouragingly.
“Oh, well, thanks, I’ll be sure to go around and make sure that I invite her then. I wouldn’t want her to feel left out.”
“That’s so sweet. I did mention it to her a few times but I think with moving she’s been so preoccupied, it went straight over her head. I mean, she was here last night but it just didn’t come up in conversation. Now, did you want some lemonade? I just made some fresh!”
She smiled at me in a way that told me that she wasn’t as much asking me as telling me. I was correct because she was already reaching for a glass and pouring me a drink.
“Thank you,” I said politely, taking a sip.
While I was there, I popped into the office across the corridor and to say hi to Roger before I left. I was sure to hang around for a few moments and chat. I didn’t want them to think I was being rude by coming over and then just disappearing.
I left the house about half an hour later feeling a little gobsmacked and with Samantha’s address as the only destination in my mind.
***
Before heading over to Samantha’s new address, I drove the van back to the hotel. I didn’t want her to see me driving the ugly work van, but instead, my brand-new BMW. I could lie to myself but I knew that I wanted to impress her.
The staff helped me unload the balloons once I was at the hotel. It was past two o’clock so all the staff were setting everything up and I was grateful to be able to finally hand everything over to the party planner instead of J
osh and I panicking about it. The rooms were coming along nicely, I noted, as I finally left and then headed back to work.
I grabbed my own car from the office car park and then drove over to King Street. I didn’t park in the drive as there was already a car there which I guessed was a good sign that she was at home. As I walked up the gravel drive, I looked at the modest house for any clues that Valerie was winding me up. For some bizarre reason, I kind of expected it because there was no way that Samantha was back and living here. Surely, I would know. Everyone would know! Someone would have told me, right?
Except Valerie had told me because Josh wouldn’t tell me even if Samantha had moved in on his front lawn.
I took great pleasure in knocking on number twenty-two. At first there was no response. As the door opened, I froze. It was like time stopped and then suddenly, Samantha was staring at me confused and then looking like she was going to murder me.
“What the hell are you doing here?” she demanded before stepping outside and firmly shutting the door behind her.
“Your mom said you got my flowers, but you threw them away,” I replied with a smile. “Got hayfever?” I joked.
She shot me an annoyed look. “I don’t want your flowers, I want you to leave me alone,” she said but she avoided looking at me, her face flushed again. I was clearly getting through to her.
I took my shot. “Sammy, come on, give me a chance.”
“Don’t call me that,” she mumbled.
That humbled me a little and I nodded. “Sorry,” I said. I knew that her nickname was reserved for family and close friends. It was hard to hear that I didn’t qualify for that any longer.
“What do you want?” she asked me with a sigh. “And where did you get this address?”
“Your mom, actually,” I said because there was no point lying about it. She would find out regardless. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were moving back?” I asked.
Samantha shrugged. “It’s none of your business.”
That hurt because it was true. “I just... I just want the chance for us to talk. Please. It’s our office Christmas party tonight. I’d love it if you could come? Your family is coming anyway, it wouldn’t feel the same without you there too. We could have a chance to catch up, maybe go over things.”
She looked surprised at the offer.
“Please?” I asked her. “What could you lose?”
She sighed. “I hadn’t even realized that there was a party tonight,” she said.
“Josh didn’t tell you?” I asked her. “I assumed he would mention it. It’s kind of the big event of the year.”
She shrugged. “Josh doesn’t really tell me anything.”
I was more than relieved to hear that. I had done some questionable things over the years. Plus it was nice to know that his secretive behavior wasn’t exclusive to just me.
She was frowning but she did look like she was thinking about it. “It’s a black dress and a three-course meal, it’s free drinks... Perks of knowing the boss...” I said, hoping to entice her. I gave her a little smile.
I heard a bang from inside the house and she twitched. “Okay, fine, I’ll come tonight. But not for long. Just for an hour or so. Now go, go...” she said, waving me away and rushing me away from the house.
“I’ll pick you up at seven?” I asked hopefully as she basically shoved me into my car.
“No, just... I’ll come with Josh or something. Just scram. I’m busy,” she snapped at me rudely but instead of being offended, I knew that I had her. All I had needed was that chance to talk to her, to apologize and now she had given me that chance.
Chapter Eleven
Samantha
I tried to calm my breathing as I shut the door behind me. I leaned back against it feeling like I might have a heart attack. I couldn’t believe that he had just turned up at my house like this. My mom was such a traitor, though I knew I couldn’t be mad at her, she had no idea about what was going on – thankfully. I was mad at myself. This exact situation was why I hadn’t wanted to move back, but I couldn’t avoid it forever. I had known Rick would find out, I just hadn’t expected it to be mere days after I had moved.
“Mommy?” Benny asked. Instantly, my heart dropped in my chest and I glanced down towards the sound of his voice.
He looked up at me confused for a moment from my odd behavior. I picked him up and held him close.
“Momma’s sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to shut the door on you,” I told him.
“It was mean, momma,” he mumbled with a pouty face.
I was lucky that I hadn’t made him cry. I wasn’t sure how I would have explained that.
A thousand thoughts were running through my mind and I didn’t even know which one to focus on. I felt like everything was catching up with me. I’d been so stupid. How was I going to carry on this facade? Was it even possible?
What if Rick saw Benny and he knew? He was his dad after all, what if he felt an odd connection to him? Maybe it was one of those things that you would just know. I had no idea.
My mind was fully getting away with me.
I started to doubt everything. Should I really be hiding Benny from Rick? The situation was so complicated that it was making my head spin. Rick had made it very clear he had wanted an abortion, so in my mind, that was him handing over his parental responsibilities. He didn't want a baby, and I wasn't going to have him treating Benny like he was some mistake. I didn’t want to expose him to that. He was just an innocent child who had no say in who his parents were.
More than anything I just wanted to protect him. I didn’t want him to feel the pain that I had when Rick had told me to get an abortion. No. Benny wouldn’t know and neither would Rick. I would have to come clean about having a child to him eventually, but I really didn’t feel comfortable telling Rick that Benny was his. It would do nothing but cause more issues. After all, Benny didn’t need Rick. He had me. He’d always had just me. He wasn’t missing anything. After all, I could love him and give him a stable home, I could give him everything that he wanted and desired. I did not need a man.
I stroked his hair, rocking him slightly, but I wasn't sure if it was for more my benefit or his.
I was feeling pretty shook up.
Benny lost interest in being held after a while and struggled in my arms, not wanting to be held. I let him go and he went back to watching the TV.
I was going to have to go to the Christmas party.
A date? Yes, it was most definitely a date.
I groaned. Had I really just agreed to this? What was I going to do? It made me feel a bit sick with anxiety. I had no idea how that had happened. I mean one moment I was trying to get him away from Benny and then the next I was agreeing to go out tonight. One thing had led to another. Why was it always like this with Rick? I was too weak to his charm. I needed to be firmer. I need to learn to say no to him and to actually mean it.
For a few moments, I just wandered in my hallway feeling like I was about to go insane. I paced back and forth, unsure what to do. I felt like running back outside and telling him ‘no! I’m not coming tonight! I don’t want to see you, but something stopped me and if I was honest with myself I knew what it was. As much as I was good at lying to myself, and as messed up as this entire situation was, I actually did want to see Rick. I had so many questions and I wondered what he had been doing the past three years. Was he still the same man? Or had he changed? I was hopeful and I was curious.
I groaned at my own thoughts.
What am I going to do? I lamented to myself.
I had nothing to wear, I had no babysitter, and Andrew was on his way... what was I going to do? It would take a miracle to fix this mess.
I was so glad that Andrew was coming tonight because I needed to talk to someone and there was no-one here. I couldn’t talk to Josh, and there was no way that I could talk to my parents. I had no friends here. Damn. I was really in trouble.
I decided to keep it all to myself for now.
After all, what choice did I have? I really didn’t want to bother Andrew while he was driving. I glance at the rose-gold clock hanging in the hallway. It was early afternoon. Andrew wouldn’t be here for a few hours yet. I would just have to try and hold it together before he got here.
Until then, I could spend some time with Benny. I hadn’t had time to just sit and play with him one on one since I’d come home and I knew that these moments with him were precious. These years when he was small were so limited. They were only little for such a short amount of time and I wanted to treasure that.
When I joined him back in the living room, he was glued to the TV screen watching a show about trucks. He even sat with a little toy truck in his hands. I wondered how long this would last before he became restless. I had his toys here, but not everything had made it through the move. I had promised I would buy him some more. He had been such a big boy sorting out all of his things to ‘give to the babies’ when I had donated them all to a goodwill store. I was surprised that he hadn’t asked for more to be honest, though maybe he had forgotten. I did not want to jinx it.
“Hey, Benny, do you want to do some pictures with mommy?” I asked him, thinking about the stack of arts and crafts that I had upstairs.
I’d always tried to be very hands-on with him, I’d spent a lot of time in college classes and studying to do my very best in school. I felt like I’d lost a lot of time with him. I had huge mum guilt about it and even though I was setting a wonderful example for my child, I always felt like I didn’t have enough time with him. Now that I was going to be home more and he could spend more time with his family, I was pleased that we would be able to bond more.
“Yeh, yeh, yeh!” he said, before standing on the couch and starting to bounce around in excitement.
“You monkey, stop bouncing, you’ll fall!” I warned him before picking him up and then placing him on the floor. “You wait here, okay? I’ll go and get some pencils and some paper,” I told him.
I took the stairs two at a time and I was back within seconds, the large box in hand. Eagerly, he reached up for it, so I brought it down to his level, putting it on the floor and then opening it.
