“Yep, I did.” She admits honestly. “My family are way more important to me than a few bricks and mortar Simon. I’m worried about the kids. I’m worried about you. You’re slowly slipping away from us - I think we need to let it go and start again when we get the chance.”
“Where will we live, Evie huh... What will happen in the meantime?”
“My mum and dad will put us up for a few months until we’re sorted.” She takes my cupped hands in hers and looks at me sincerely.
“No, I can’t do that, Evie. I already feel like a failure. Now you want me to give up the home we worked so hard to build and give everything up and go to live with your parents?”
“For god’s sake Simon, why do you have to be so proud?”
“Because pride is all I have left…”
“I think it’s a little late for that.”
A sole tear trickles down her cheek, I catch it with my knuckle and smooth it away. I don’t have time to share my thoughts because we’re being called in to the room…
It’s game time…
Chapter Six
Evie
One by one, I carry the full cardboard boxes out of the house and load them into the removal van. We’re taking the belongings we need and can’t do without. Everything else is going into storage. Simon is clearing out upstairs while I work on the downstairs. He’s been really quiet, I’m not sure how all this is affecting him – but I know it’s killing me.
The court gave us four weeks to clear the house of all our belongings and to find somewhere to live. Of course, we took mum up on her offer, it’s going to be a tight fit in the house for the time being but we can cope - I know we can.
Simon may be a different matter though. His mood swings aren’t helping and it’s beginning to create some tension between us. I understand how hard it is for him, but he can’t keep taking it out on us it’s not fair. Talking of which I haven’t seen him for a while. Turning from the van I go back in the house and listen for a second. When I don’t hear anything, I head up the stairs treading as softly as I can. Opening the door to each of the bedrooms, I don't find him until I reach Ben’s room. I hear quiet snivelling coming from inside, peering around the door I find Simon sitting in the corner, his head back against the wall. He doesn’t see or hear me, so I gently I push the door open further until it’s wide enough for me to sneak around it and make my way over to him.
Dropping to my knees at the side of him, it doesn’t take long for me to realise he’s crying.
“Simon, baby. Look at me. Please don’t cry.”
Shaking his head, he turns his face away from me so I can’t see his tears while wiping his face on his knee. Pushing up to my knees so I’m higher, I lift his head gently. As soon as our eyes meet, his eyelids drop, shutting me out.
“Don’t hide from me…”
The tips of our noses touch nudging softly while both of my thumbs wipe the moisture from his handsome face. I hate to see him like this. He tried so hard to keep everything together, but in the end it just wasn’t possible.
“I can’t do this Evie. Everything we’ve worked for has just been flushed down the toilet.” Opening his eyes, they fix on mine, “You must hate me, I’m sorry.”
“Simon. Listen to me now. I do not hate you. You’re my husband, my best friend and I love you so much. We’ll get through this you’ll see. Things will pick up and before you know it, we’ll be making a new life for ourselves - a fresh start.”
“How can you be so calm? This is all my fault.”
I don’t answer him again because it doesn’t matter what I say, he’s only going to blame himself. Instead I lift his chin higher and put my lips to his tear soaked ones and share a lingering kiss. A tear rolls down my cheek running into the corner of my mouth, as my already high emotions get the better of me.
“Do you remember what you told me when we first met?”
“I told you a lot of things back then…”
“Yeah you did,” I snigger. “It’s me and you against the world… don’t make me fight on my own.”
“I’m not sure how much fight I have left.”
“I know you have fight Simon; you just have to find it again. Now, stand up.” I order him in the nicest and softest way.
I get up from my kneeled position on the floor and wait for him to follow suit but he doesn’t. “Simon get up. We’re going home.”
“Home? Where home? Plus, there’s too much to do here.”
“We need to eat and there’s a four-year-old at home that’s probably waiting to see his daddy, so come on.”
I’m not going to let him keep wallowing in self-pity, however hard it is on him, it is on me too, at the same time though, someone has to be strong.
Walking into my parents’ house after the silent ride home. Benji bolts towards us running right into Simon’s legs as soon as we walk through the door. With the smallest of smiles he bends down and picks up our son. It’s the only smile I’ve seen him make in weeks, but at least someone can put the smile on his face. I kiss the back of Benji’s head and go into the living room of my parents’ house asking how Charlotte has been.
After the conversation about the house and the kids, I head upstairs to take a shower and check on my daughter. For the time being we’ve got Charlotte in the room with us and Benji has his own room, which mum keeps for him for when he stays over. At least we can keep him to some sort of normality; it’s hard enough for us, let alone a four-year-old to be knocked out of his routine. He’s confused enough as to why we’re living with nanny and grandad.
Stepping into the shower, the water rains down on me. The heat relaxes my aching muscles and while I’m on my own, I let my tears fall. Far away from Simon, my parents, somewhere I can be myself. As much as tears won’t help our situation, at least it makes me feel a little better. Simon’s too fragile enough right now to cope with me as well as himself. By the time I’m done, I feel exhausted, my body is drained of everything and all I really want to do is sleep.
I crawl into bed and my head sinks into my pillow. Pulling the duvet up to my neck I let my eyes close as I drift off into a better place; a place where there’s nothing to worry about, no money issues… another world.
Simon
How do I even begin to explain to my wife how I feel? The whole situation has broken me. The highlight of my day these days are the kids. Ben makes me smile all the time; he has no cares in the world… oh to be a child again. It’s amazing how when you’re a kid, well teenager, you can’t wait to grow up and leave home, I wish I was one now…
I’ve sat at the side of Benjamin’s bed for way too long. I’ve heard Evie moving around, the shower turn on and off a while later, and still I didn’t move. Sitting here now I realise I didn’t even tell my wife I loved her too when she made her declaration. What a bastard. I’m not sure I’ll ever come out the other side of this. I’m falling further into the rabbit hole and no amount of clawing will help me to reach the top again.
Tip-toeing into the bedroom, I close the door softly and strip off my clothes down to just my boxers. Pulling back the duvet I slide into the bed, carefully as to not wake my sleeping wife. This woman is my life and I’ve forgotten how to tell her, how to let her know. I prop myself up against the headboard and watch her sleep. There’s a small crease between her eyebrows, a tell-tale sign that this is affecting her. I know it’s hurting her and I’m not making things any easier.
My head is swimming with guilt and remorse for what we’ve lost. I feel like I’m grieving and I can’t grab a hold of myself… Those are my last thoughts before sinking into a restless sleep.
Somewhere in my consciousness I hear Evie speaking to someone and then leave the room closing it behind her. Instead of getting up, I roll over and go back to sleep. My mind and my body are too tired to deal today.
Maybe later or tomorrow...
Chapter Seven
Simon
I hate this. I
hate being around people constantly. I hate being the focus of everyone’s attention…
The constant questions, day in, day out…
‘Are you okay Simon?’
‘Things will get better soon, just be positive…’
Well, I’m sick and tired of being positive. I’m sick of hoping. I’m just plain tired of thinking something good is going to come my way, when it’s obviously not written in the stars for me. Maybe they’d be better off without me. I’m just making things worse for them. Now Evie has to go out to work while I'm here playing house-husband because I’m not capable of getting a job. Doing what I always promised I’d do; providing for my family.
I hate feeling useless.
I’ve been back to the benefits office and still we’re only getting bits and drabs from them. They obviously don’t know what it’s like to lose everything and try to bring up kids on what they’re offering. What am I supposed to do? This has gone way too far now. Even when we lost the house it still left us with a huge bill and somehow, we have to pay that back. I have no idea how.
Evie’s mum is nattering away, but I don’t hear what she’s saying. My father-in-law is watching horse racing, drinking his tea, not saying much, but he’s always like that. While Charlotte is taking a nap in the bouncy seat she plays in, and Benji is still at nursery, I take the advantage of going for a lie down. I have a banging headache; I can’t seem to shift it. Passing by the medicine cupboard I take the full pack of paracetamol with me and make my way upstairs. Before stretching out on the bed, I take the bottle of water from the bedside table and take two tablets. Without thinking I’m popping two more and swill those down. Then two more, finishing the water in the bottle. I go to pop more out of the silver strip, but stop and gawp at the offending packet in my hand.
What the hell am I doing?
Swiping my fingers at my sore and tired eyes, my hands move around to cradle the back of my head, as I lay back on the pillow and let my eyes close for a minute. I try to picture a better time before all this, then I fast forward into the future. Suddenly. Evie is there, she’s laughing - I love to see her laugh. She’s cuddling our kids, my whole world, but I’m not in the picture. Strange. Following Evie’s line of sight, she’s seems to be looking at someone, but who?
I never find out though because the picture darkens and I slip into a deep sleep…
Evie
“Where’s Simon mum?” I ask as I walk in from work with Benji. I look in the kitchen and bathroom, but he’s not in either of those.
“He went for a lie down sweetheart, while Charlotte was having her nap.”
I feel the skin between my eyes tighten on my forehead, as I fix my sights on Charlotte playing in her bouncy chair with the play gym that’s set in front of her.
“Is he still upstairs?”
“Yeah sweetheart, I didn’t like to wake him, he had a bad headache he told us when he went up.”
“Okay.” I sigh. He’s always asleep these days and doesn’t want to do anything anymore. Turning the knob as quietly as I can, I ease open the door to find him out cold in the middle of the bed. I take a seat on the edge and rub his thigh to gently wake him.
“Simon, wake up.”
When he doesn’t budge, I call out to him again only this time a little louder. I try to roll him to his back, but he’s like a dead weight. Persevering, I roll him just enough for him to fall to his back uncovering a strip of paracetamol and two tablets in his open hand.
“Oh my god,” I say as my hands going to my cheeks. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know how many he took. In a state of shock, I rush to the bed and shake him violently until his eyelids begin to flicker.
“Simon. Babe, wake up.”
With the tips of my fingers I tap his cheek over and over again. He told me he was looking for work today. Oh god have I drove him to this…?
“Simon you have to wake up for me.”
Tears begin to fall down my face thinking I may have lost him. Until he actually opens his eyes and ask him, I have no idea.
“Simon?” I shout louder and shake him so hard the bed moves with him. Not long after though his eyes finally open. The white of his eyes are bloodshot and his pupils are quite large.
“How many did you take Simon?
“What?” He replies groggily.
“How many tablets did you take?”
“I don’t know, six I think?”
“How could you do that? Did you want to kill yourself? Is that what we’ve come to? What about me Simon? What about the kids?”
I shake my head in pure disbelief and yeah it was only six, probably not enough to do any damage, but it could have - we just don’t know.
“For richer, for poorer, Simon. Wasn’t that the vows we said to each other, the vows we promised each other? I can’t believe you let it get this far?”
I go on. I shouldn’t be saying any of this. I ought to have a little sympathy for him but right now I have none… although he stopped himself from taking the rest, that tells me he knew exactly what he was doing....
With a heavy huff he clambers up from the bed and stands in front of me.
“Evie, please listen to me.” He grabs my shoulders and pleads.
“Where’s all your fight gone Simon? Where’s the man I love with all my heart, the one that used to fight for everything he wanted?”
I don’t wait for the answer, instead, I open the gallery on my phone and show him the very reason as to why he should.
“Take a look.”
His guilty gaze shifts until it’s focusing on my phone screen. “There’s your reason. If I’m not enough of a reason, then they should be it. Those two are the very reason why you should carry on. I understand you’re depressed. I get why it’s so hard, but we’re in this together. If we don’t talk and confide in one another - then honestly, we have nothing left.”
Without another look in his direction I put my phone in my pocket and turn to walk away, right now I can’t even look at him.
Pushing everything to the back of my mind I put a brave face on and go back in to the living room. “Come on Benjamin, put on your coat for mummy.”
I take it from the chair holding it out and he threads his arms into the sleeves then I pull it up onto his shoulders and zip it up. “Where’s Daddy?”
“He’s asleep my angel. How about we go to the park for a bit?”
“Yeahhh, I yuv da park. Can I go on da sings and...and da side?” I smile as he tries to pronounce his words, he’s still having trouble with certain ones but he’s coming on so fast.
“Anything you want. You sit there and I’ll get your sisters coat on.”
Once I’ve got Charlotte snug in her all in-one coat, I put her on my hip and grab my bag. Before I reach the door, mum stops me.
“Is everything alright?”
All I can give her in answer is a shrug, because right now, I have nothing else.
Chapter Eight
Simon
Evie storms from the room, I can’t argue with her - she’s right. I didn’t even try to stop her from leaving... How could I do that to her. My head feels heavy and my eyes keep drooping like I just have to sleep. Pushing myself up from the bed again, I go into the bathroom and run the cold tap for as long as I can, so the water is freezing cold. When I’ve had the shock of the cold water on my face, I chance looking at myself in the mirror. I don’t even recognise myself... who have I turned into? Evie’s right, how could I let myself get to this? I tried so hard to keep things together. Bottled so much shit up so this wouldn’t affect her, and yet she’s the one who’s taken charge of it all. Seeing that picture of my family was the kick up the arse I may have needed, but I also know I can’t do this by myself, I need help. I’m not so proud to think this is going to be over in a snap of the fingers.
I spend the next hour or so doing what I should have done weeks ago - looking for the best way to deal with all this. First things f
irst though…
“Hello, I was wondering if I could make an appointment to see a doctor please?”
The overly nice receptionist tells me hold for a minute and mumbles on in the background, all I’m concerned about is getting an appointment.
“What’s the reason for your visit if you don’t mind me asking Mr Hughes?
“I’d rather not say.”
The receptionist lets out a heavy sigh, “It would help us to determine how long you need with the doctor if you give us just some basic information.”
“No.” I reply bluntly, “I’d prefer to tell my doctor, thanks.”
She doesn’t comment any further, instead she confirms the date and time of my upcoming appointment and I put the phone down. I’m not ready to admit my self-prognosis to anyone just yet. I’d prefer to talk to my doctor and Evie first. I need to find a way of getting my life back, getting my wife to see me for me again not the broken mess I’ve become.
Before Evie gets back with the kids I decide on a relaxing shower, maybe wake myself up first if I can. Standing under the red, hot spray, my head falls back on to my shoulders until the water is on my face. I must stay there for a good ten minutes before I wipe the excess water from my eyes and have a wash. Once I’m out, I throw on a pair of shorts and lie down on the bed. The hot water must have relaxed me too much though, because in no time I can feel myself drifting off again.
“Daddy.” My sons voice resonates with me from a distance…
“Daddy. Wake up.”
Before I get the chance to wake up fully, the little terror that is Benji is bouncing up and down on the mattress, until I hear Evie telling him to stop. He does exactly what he’s told and lays down beside me, his little arm stretched out across my chest. Giving it everything I’ve got; I force myself to open my eyes and look down to see my baby boy tucked in at the side of me…
Escaping The Shadows Anthology: Shenanigans'19 @ The West Midlands Book Signing. Page 10
