I was wrong to think I wasn’t good enough for her. Even though there are days when the dark thoughts come and I think she would be better off without me in her life. That’s when she swoops in and makes me realise, I wouldn’t have got this far without her help and support.
I don’t believe in God I never have. Yet I do believe that she was sent to me and was supposed to be the one that put my life back together. She’s my angel. That I have no doubt about.
The day she found me in my house, was the day that would have ended my life if she hadn’t found me when she had. The doctors told me I had enough painkillers in my system to knock a horse unconscious. The Jack didn’t help the situation either. I’m sober now. I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since I’ve come to realise that it just depresses me even more. With Gabi in my life I no longer need it anyway. She’s become my addiction, it’s not healthy but it’s better than trying to kill myself every chance I get.
I’m not gonna bullshit myself and say I’m one hundred percent healed because I’m not. I’ve still got a long way to go. I still have my dark days, the nightmares still, but not as often. They usually stay away when she’s in my bed and wrapped around me like ivy.
Of course, the amazing sex we distracts me, but that’s not the only thing that’s helped, it’s her in general. Her patience, her sass, the way she won’t let me give up on myself or us and her spirit. She doesn’t allow any of the venom that I spew at her crush her. Sure, I’ve upset her and we’ve had arguments, but my therapist has taught me that we always hurt the ones we love. I do love her, dearly.
So, for her I fight every day to get myself better. There isn’t many people who would sit with you whilst you break down. Tell a complete stranger your deepest and darkest thoughts, but she did. She did it for me. Gabi saw something in me that she thought was worth saving, and save me, she did.
I still suffer from the guilt, but we’re working on that. With Gabi’s and the help of my therapist I’ve reached out to my teams families. They’ve reassured me on a number occasions that what happened to their loved ones, wasn’t my fault. One day I’ll believe but for now, I will still continue to fight my biggest battle yet, for her.
For us.
The End
Crashing Together
By
T.A Andrews
Blurb
They called me a bad boy racer… guess you could say I was.
My car was my life, I loved the feel of it beneath me, I loved the thrill of racing.
When that all comes crashing down, I start sinking into a black hole, one that I don’t think I can come back from and I start to push everyone away.
That is until one girl comes along and shows me, I can live, I can fight and I can be me again
Chapter One
Jenson
“Dude come on, will you,” I shout to my roommate. Seriously this guy is worse than a chick. Checking I’ve got my wallet, keys, and phone, I am ready to go. Saturday nights are the best nights, it’s when we compete in street racing. My car is my pride and joy… I own a Vauxhall Corsa with all the upgrades. My car is bright orange, with a huge exhaust, impressive wheels, spoiler on the back. It’s a fucking machine and I love it. Everyone calls me a boy racer, technically I probably am. Shouting again to my roommate Pete to hurry up, he eventually comes out his room.
“About fucking time dude,” I state to him. “Come on, let’s go.”
Slamming the door shut behind us, we walk to the car and climb in. Turning the engine on, I feel the rumble beneath me. I bloody love this car. Setting off to the part of town that is commonly used for street racing, I speed along. We normally have people on the lookout for the police. Lucky for me, so far, I haven’t been caught. Pulling up, I make my way over to the lads. Slapping each of them on the back in greeting.
“So, who am I racing tonight them?” I ask.
“Dude, this guy is the bomb,” I hear Tommy say, looking over to him.
“Yeah, he’s pretty fast apparently.” I look to Jacob and just smile.
“Yep, but so am I.” I state laughing. I walk over to the guy in charge and add my name to the sign-up board to state I am here. Time to get this show on the road.
I climb in my car and switch everything on, making sure it’s all ready to go. I love the thrill of racing, the feel of the car beneath you. The rumble of the engine and the control you have with the car. It’s in my bones, in me. Tommy comes over to me and I let the window down.
“Dude they’re ready for you.” Nodding, I start the car and make my way slowly to the start line. Time to do this, I think. I glance across and look at the other driver. I don’t know him, so I’m not familiar with his driving style. This will be interesting. Checking I am all good to go, I put my seat belt on. Watching for the lights to change, I rev the engine a few times. God, I love this I think to myself, getting myself, all pumped up, ready to go. I watch the lights change and then it’s a go…
We race side by side, weaving in and out of the traffic building. He starts pulling away from me, but I know I’ve got my extra power boost in the engine to use yet. I don’t know if he has it as well, We fly around the corners and he is still just ahead of me. Deciding to use my boost now I press the button and overtake him with ease. Looking back, I notice that he is behind me, I chuckle to myself. I turn back to look at the road and my heart leaps out my chest. Straight ahead is a round-about. Slamming my foot on the break to slow myself down, it’s no good… Approaching at the speed I am going, I hurtle straight over and flip the car. I see my life flash before me, before I roll multiple times and come to a crash in a heap against a building. Pain radiates through my leg, and I feel blood trickling down my face. Darkness start to pull me under and I fight to stay awake. Looking out the window I notice people come running towards me, trying with force to open the door, but it’s completely stuck shut.
“Don’t worry mate, the emergency services are on the way,” I hear some guy say.
I try nodding, but pain just shoots through me. I try moving my legs but have no feeling whatsoever down there. All I can do is sit here and wait, wait for help. Wait to see what happens to me. For the first time in my life I’m scared. I hear sirens in the background, but the pain takes over and my eyes start to close.
“Mate stay awake,” someone shouts at me, while banging starts on the window. Fuck don’t do that I think to myself. I try lifting my arm to hold my head, but it seems its stuck or wedged somehow. Oh my god, what have I done? I can’t die. I hear more voices, but nothing seems to be sticking in my head, it’s like everything is all muffled. Darkness starts to take me again, and I know this time around I won’t be able to stop it. My last thoughts before I go under, is, how bad is my car?
Chapter Two
Helen
One month now, one whole month I’ve been stuck in this bastard hospital bed and I am bored out my fucking mind. Don’t get me wrong I count myself lucky to be alive.
You see one month ago; I fell from a great height when working up a ladder. I broke my back and ended up in a coma for three weeks. I’ve only been awake for a few days now, and already I am going out my mind with boredom. Trouble is with having my back broken, I am unable to walk. They say it might not be permanent, but it doesn’t stop the worry in the back of my mind I may never walk again. This is why I am so flipping frustrated with everything. I’ve got to have regular physiotherapy sessions to help strengthen my legs again. At the moment we’re only doing basic moves, since I’ve not been awake long. I am due to have my first one later today, and I am dreading it. I know I won’t be able to move anything from the waist down, but I am determined to prove to myself I can do it. I can walk again.
Lunch arrives, and I take one look at it again and just want to chuck it in the bin. God, I would kill for a Big Mac right now. I wonder if I can sweet talk Claire my best friend into bringing me one. Hmmm now that’s a thought for later. I pick at the food, because I know I must eat
, to keep my strength up. Two o-clock comes around and it’s time for my physiotherapy session. My nerves kick in and I feel like I am going to be sick, but I can do this. I have to do this.
The porter wheels me over the physio department of the hospital. All I can see people looking at me, but I don’t let that get to me at all. So, what if I stand out, they all know nothing about my life, and they don’t know me. Once we arrive at the department I am greeted with an over friendly therapist.
“Hey, you must be Helen?” he asks me. I love his bubbly personality, it’s so infectious and just what people in my situation need.
“Hi, yes that’s me,” I say laughing. He grins at me and shakes my hand.
“My name is Jeff; I will be working with you today.”
I nod, unsure what else to say. He takes the wheelchair from the porter and moves me into the room. I take a glance around and notice other patients working on different exercises. I notice one guy over in the corner, he has such an angry expression on his face. The therapist working with him, looking more and more annoyed. Hmmm, I wonder what’s his problem? Shaking my head at myself, I don’t need to be getting sucked into other people’s dramas, got enough of my own.
“Right Helen, today all we are going to do is see how much feeling and movement you have in your toes first okay?” I just nod in reply.
“Right can you feel this pin prick for me?” He begins touching my toes with the tip of a pin. I shake my head at him, because I feel nothing. We carry on with some more very basic moving of my toes, but all I can hear is the guy in the corner shouting. I keep glancing back to him and he looks like he has the whole world on his shoulders. I wonder what happened to him. My mind starts working overtime thinking what could be up with him. I take another glance his way while Jeff goes and grabs a bottle of water for me. This time the mystery guy notices and scowls at me. Jesus this guy has some major issues.
“What you are looking at?” I hear him shout. I notice the therapist trying to talk him down, when he suddenly bats her hand away. I feel for the poor woman; she shouldn’t have to put up with all that. I don’t answer him and just turn my head away, as Jeff is walking back towards me with my water. My mouth suddenly feels dry.
“Thank you,” I say when he hands me the water. “Who is that guy over there?” I ask nodding to the angry guy in the corner.
“Sorry I am unable to disclose patient details,” he states to me. I nod in understanding.
“That’s okay, I completely understand. He just seems so angry,” Jeff nods at me.
I think he gets what I am trying to say. We keep working for another hour, but my mind keeps drifting to the guy in the corner. What’s happened to him to make him so angry with himself and everyone around him, and why do I care? I try and shake this strange feeling from my mind, but something pulls me towards him.
Once my session is over with, the porter comes back to collect me. Before wheeling me away, I ask him to take me over to the guy, who is now sat in his chair on his own with his head in his hands. I can feel my heart breaking for him, and I don’t even know him.
“Hey, my name is Helen,” I say to him. He lifts his head up and just gives me a stare that I think would put me ten foot under. Jesus this guy is something else.
“Fuck off,” is all he says to me. My mouth drops open in shock.
“Now back the fuck off mate, I am only been friendly.” Fucking prick.
I think that I’ve said this to myself but judging from the look he has just given me; I think he heard it. Oh well he is a prick. I turn to the porter and ask him to take me back to my ward, I don’t need this grief in my life. Asshole.
Chapter Three
Jenson
I watch as the young woman gets pushed away, I know I was horrible to her, but I can’t seem to help it. All I ever do is snap and bite people’s heads off. My head is completely screwed up. I feel myself being pulled further into the darkest of hell in my own mind every day.
It was just over a month ago that I crashed the car. A month ago, that my whole world came crashing down around me…. literally. I’ve been told I could walk again. My legs became trapped in the car, and I had to be cut free. I feel like a shell of myself now. everyone says I’ll get better, that the feeling will come back in my legs, but it isn’t helping my head. All I want to do at this moment is grab a massive bottle of vodka and down the fucking lot. Block out this pain and misery I seem to have all the time. Every night when I close my eyes, the memories of the crash come flooding back. I wake up completely covered in sweat. I just don’t want to go on anymore, what’s the fucking point? My family come to see me, always saying positive things, and trying to cheer me up, but all I want to do is get out this fucking place and end it. I hate my life now.
I think back to the young woman who has just left, she too is in a wheelchair, yet she is smiling and happy.
Fucking bitch
The porter comes to collect me, pushing me through the corridors back to my ward. I don’t want to go there, I want to go fucking home, but that’s not happening anytime soon they say.
When we arrive back at my bed, it takes two men to help lift me onto it, and my pride takes a massive nose dive yet again. I hate this, having people help me to the toilet, help me dress. I just wish everyone would fuck off away from me, leave me to keep sinking further down into this darkness I know that has got a hold of me.
“How’s that Mr Davis?”
I just glare at him until he gets the message and walks away. I know I shouldn’t be angry with everyone, but it’s like I have no filter, I can’t help it. Happiness is being completely sucked out of me. I lay in my bed and my mind drifts back to that woman from earlier. I wish I had her attitude to life; she isn’t letting what happened to her stop her. Not that I know what happened, but still, she is determined, you can see it in her eyes. Her eyes were a gorgeous shade of emerald green, it’s like they sparkled in the light. In another life I would have flirted with her, but not now. Who in their right mind would want me like this?
I’m not a man now. How can I make a woman feel good if I’m broken from the waist down? Even my dick is broken. The anger is building in me again. This is what my life is now, broken. My eyes start to feel heavy and I feel sleep claiming me, it’s all I seem to do in this place is sleep.
I suddenly bolt upright in bed. The nightmares take over my sleep all the time, I can’t seem to escape them. It’s like my mind just wants to cause me more pain. All I ever see is the crash, me stuck and everyone stood around laughing. They all laugh at how stupid I was, how I thought street racing was cool. Yeah fucking cool my arse, look at me now. I notice the nurse walking my way, fucking great what now, I think.
“You okay Mr Davis?” she asks me.
“Fucking dandy,” I state.
“Now less of that young man, I won’t tolerate it. Now it’s time for your medication.”
She goes to hand me the cup and I just stare at it; the fucking things are useless anyhow; they never take the pain away. Well it takes the physical pain away, but it doesn’t take away the mental and emotional pain I have. I’m still left with this heart wrenching reminder my life will never be the same again The nightmares are always there, I hear the metal crushing around and that look of pity on everyone’s face. I think they all know in here how I am feeling. Doctors keep wanting to give me anti-depressants. They can give me them and let me take the whole bloody lot, take me away from this life of hell. She hands me the water and I take the two tablets like a good boy. I swear they all need to fuck off. The nurse walks away shaking her head at me, I know she hates my behaviour they all do. I just can’t help it. I don’t know what will help me get out this mindset I am in. I don’t know how to deal with all this anger inside of me. All this tension running through me, it’s like I completely feel like I am drowning, and I can’t breathe right.
Again, my mind drifts back to that woman, she had a beauty about her that I can’t quite exp
lain. Well it’s not like I will see her again, and I very much doubt she will want to talk to me after the way I spoke to her. I was a cunt to her. I know she didn’t deserve it either. I just can’t deal with this anymore. I had my whole life ahead of me, I am only twenty-two. I know some people are probably saying I deserved this, that street racing is just stupid. Those people just need to stay the fuck away from me. I lay here just staring out the window, I haven’t been outside yet since it happened. I don’t want to be surrounded by happy, cheery people enjoying the sunshine we’re having now. All I want is to hide away from everyone and anyone, not like that’s going to happen in this place though is it?
The next few days are pretty much the same, the same routine every day. Wake, medication, eat, therapy session, sleep, more medication, more eating, and more sleeping. I am slowly dying a painful death in here. If I don’t leave this place soon, I don’t know what I will do, I just want to hide away on my own and have no one around me. I can feel with each passing day the life getting sucked out of me more and more.
Chapter Four
Helen
Over the next few days I slowly start to feel the odd little sensation in my toes. I still can’t move them, but it’s progress and I am over the moon. My physio sessions are going well and the guy I am working with is amazing. He is so calm and patient with me, even when I find myself getting frustrated from time to time. I haven’t seen that angry guy again yet and do wonder if maybe he’s been discharged home. My mind has drifted to him a few times over last couple days, wondering if he is okay. I could see the sadness in his eyes, the pain he had, and I am not talking physical pain.
Escaping The Shadows Anthology: Shenanigans'19 @ The West Midlands Book Signing. Page 14
