“I would like to speak to someone, someone who can help me out this.” I pause, taking a deep breath, I know I have to say it, “This depression,” there I said it, I admitted it to her.
I know the nurses have tried with me, but I just wouldn’t allow myself to admit it. Even though I knew I that’s what it was, I didn’t want to accept it. Helen was a huge part of this, she has this way of just telling me straight and me believing her. She has this air around her that makes me want to become a better man. I smile thinking about her, forgetting the nurse is still stood there.
“She’s a pretty girl isn’t she.” I look to the nurse and just nod. “Okay Jenson I will get someone down to come speak to you,” she pats my arm and walks away with a smile on her face. I feel myself smiling too. I feel like it’s a step in the right direction. The first step into my recovery. Maybe I can do it.
I lay my head back and let sleep pull me under for a while.
I wake up to two gorgeous, green sparkly eyes staring straight back at me, a smile pulls at my lips seeing Helen here by my bedside.
“Hey sleepy head, did you know you snore… loudly?” she says laughing.
“I do not.”
“Oh, you do.”
I laugh along with her and it feels good to do it. I haven’t laughed over anything in ages. I’ve not felt like it.
“How come you’re here anyhow and why the hell you watching me sleep? That’s a tad creepy.”
“I was bored,” she says, but I see it her eyes, she’s missed me. Butterflies are running rampant in my stomach. What the hell? Blokes don’t get butterflies, that shit happens to chicks.
“Admit it, you missed me.”
A blush covers her cheeks and she looks fucking adorable. There is something about this woman. She’s stubborn as anything, but I can be me around her, I feel like the darkness is turning in to light when she is with me.
“Okay I missed you, twat face.”
I laugh at her name for me, she isn’t far wrong really.
“Twat face?” I ask with raised brows. We continue to laugh together, hers is infectious. We spend some more time just chatting.
“You fancy going to get some coffee?” she asks me.
“Yeah sure, let me get someone to help me in the chair.”
“No, don’t do that.”
I look at her blankly, wondering why.
“You can do it yourself.”
She must see a shocked look appear on my face.
“Come on it’s easy, if I can do it, you can.”
Yes, I can do this, I think to myself.
“Right put your hands on the bed, push up and move your bum along towards to the edge.”
I do as she says and then without her even having to tell me anymore, I lower myself into the chair. I look across to her and she has the biggest grin on her face. I smile back at her and she reaches across and grabs my hand. That small touch holds so much, I know she feels it too. I can see it in her eyes. With this woman beside me, I can defeat this depression.
We make our way to the coffee place that’s down the corridor. I grabbed some change out the draw beside the bed before we left, I am not letting her pay for anything. Making our way to the counter is not an easy task. I can feel the anger starting to build in me, I feel anxious again, and I’m starting to sweat. The shaking begins, but I look to Helen and notice her taking it all in her stride and I fight to push it all down. I watch as she just waits for people to move out the way and moves around the tables with ease. This woman is something else, I’ve never met anyone like her. We order what we want and make our way to an empty table and wait for our coffees to arrive. I’m itching to just reach across and hold her hand, she has somehow in a short space of time wormed her way into my heart. Without her I would still be moping about and feeling sorry for myself. I probably would have been kicked out the hospital or chained to the bed with tape across my mouth by now. I’ve been awful to the staff here. It wasn’t their fault, but when all you see is darkness around you, that you feel like you have no way of getting out of it and you feel like everyone is judging you. Being a twat to people is all you have. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have a long way to go. I’ll probably fuck up and still be a snappy to people, but step by step I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
I am pulled from my thoughts when I hear Helen shouting my name. She knows I haven’t heard a word of what she has said.
“Sorry what did you say?”
She shakes her head and laughs.
“I said, I might be going home tomorrow.”
A small frown appears on her face, I know if I looked in a mirror, I would have one too. I don’t want her to go, but equally I am so happy she is going home. We’ve talked about our physio sessions and I know she is making excellent progress. I’m so pleased for her; I just wish it was the same for me.
“That’s amazing babe.” Another blush covers as a result of me calling her babe, I’ve no idea where it came from, but god does it feel right.
“Yeah, I can’t wait to get out this place and sleep in a proper bed, oh and eat proper food.”
“Oh yeah, what I wouldn’t kill for a big mac right now.”
“I got my best friend to bring me one in last week.”
“Oh man she could have brought me one as well.”
My stomach growls at the mention of a McDonalds. Helen chuckles when she hears it. We carry on chatting and decide to make our way back. I know dinner will be delivered soon, not that it’s anything good. I decide to take her back to her bed for a change, she always seems to come to me. Once she is settled in, I learn over as best I can and place a soft kiss to her cheek.
“Goodnight Helen,” I say as I turn and wheel myself back to my ward, but not before looking back at her one last time. She has a hand over her cheek where I have just kissed her.
That night my sleep is content, for the first time since the accident there’s no nightmares. Instead my dreams are filled with a beautiful woman with eyes that sparkle. I dream of us walking hand in hand along a beach.
The next morning, I wake with more determination to fight these demons and get back to walking again. Helen has showed me each day since we met, that there is light in my life, and that I can fight the darkness. We may not have known each long, but I know this woman was meant to come into my life. I know I can do this. I can walk again, and I will prove to everyone, including myself that I can do it.
Chapter Eight
Helen
Today is the day, I am leaving hospital. I’ve been given my discharge papers and I am just waiting on mum and dad to come pick me up. I even managed to get myself dressed this morning. It’s little steps like that, that make a whole lot of difference. I should be over the moon I am leaving, but something is making me want to stay here, or should I say someone.
I’m slowly putting things in my bag when I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I turn around and I am greeted with a smiling Jenson. A few days ago, that wouldn’t have happened. I am so pleased for him for taking that first step in helping himself.
“Hey there, what brings you here?”
“Wanted to say goodbye to you.”
I can hear the sadness in his voice. I know it’s there, because I feel it too.
“I will come back and see you don’t worry. Have they said when you can go home yet?” I ask him.
“Yeah it should be in the next couple of days, I can’t wait to get out this place,” he tries laughing to hide his feelings. I’m worried that he is going to go backwards in his progress. What if he decides against seeing anyone for his depression? I stare into his eyes and I can see the darkness trying to pull him back, I can’t let that happen, but how can I stop it? I won’t be here to help him. My mind starts going into overdrive thinking what I can do to help him.
“Hey what’s your number?”
I pick up my phone and hand him it over to him.
“Add your number in there, I want to know everything that’s going on in here when I’ve gone,” I say laughing. I watch him program his number in. Maybe, just maybe I can help him from afar.
“All done,” he says handing me my phone back, I place it back in my bag ready to go home.
“When is you next therapy session?”
“Tomorrow now, what about you?”
“Not for three days, I’ve been told to have a few days at home and get settled.”
I notice the disappointment on his face, knowing I won’t be there tomorrow with him. Now, don’t get me wrong, we didn’t have all our sessions together, just a few. Suddenly the curtain gets moved back and my parents appear from behind it.
“You ready darling to go home?”
Mum comes over and gives me a kiss on the cheek.
“Mum, Dad this is Jenson, we met through our physio sessions,” I tell them both.
“Hi, nice to meet you Mr and Mrs Daniels.”
“You too Jenson,” my mum says with a slight grin on her face, hmm, what is she thinking now I wonder?
“Right Helen, I will let you go, I will catch you around. Thank you for everything.”
I smile as I watch Jenson wheel himself away and out of nowhere an ache in my chest develops.
“What a nice young man that was darling.”
I give my mum a pointed look and roll my eyes, I know that woman.
“Right let’s get out of here,” I hear my dad say, as he picks up my bag off the bed. I wheel myself over to the nurse’s station and say goodbye to them all. Sadly, I will miss them, but I know someone else who I will miss more. I just hope my plan over the next few days works.
We arrive at my parent’s house and my mum shows me to my new room. The dining-room has now been converted to a bedroom. Luckily my parents have a downstairs washroom, I don’t fancy the idea of having to learn to pull myself up and down stairs.
“Do you need anything darling?” Straight away mum starts fussing. God this is going to drive me mad. The sooner I get back on my feet the better.
“No, I’m okay mum thanks. I might lie down for a little while. It’s still pretty tiring using the wheelchair”
“Okay baby, I will be in the living room of you need me.”
With that said she leaves the room closing the door softly behind her. Grabbing my phone out my bag, I lift myself on to the bed and get comfy as best I can. Looking down at my phone I search straight away for Jenson’s number. I don’t even know if he has his phone in hospital with him, I didn’t ask him. Finding his number, I click on the message icon. I just sit there staring at my phone for ages, what do I say to him? Taking the plunge, I type a short and sweet message letting him know I am home. He probably hasn’t even got his phone, so doubt I will hear back. Placing the phone down, I decide on a short nap.
Chapter Nine
Jenson
Lying in bed all I can think about is Helen. She’s gone, and I hate it. She was my light and now I feel I’m back at square one. I promised myself I would fight, fight for myself but also fight for Helen. Can I do it without her by my side? I can’t just wheel myself down the corridor anymore and see her. She won’t be there in our therapy sessions. I just feel like something in the world is pulling us apart. How can one person, in such a short space of time, wind their way in to my heart. She was able to tear down the blackness around me and shine light on me again.
Completely lost in my thoughts I don’t notice that my mum is standing by the side of my bed.
“Oh, hey sorry I was miles away,” I say to mum after I feel her nudging my arm, trying to get me out my deep thoughts.
“You were definitely miles away, what was you thinking about?” she says chuckling.
“Oh, nothing much, this and that.” I haven’t mentioned Helen yet to mum, what’s the point really? I doubt I will see her again. Suddenly I hear the chime of my phone, letting me know I have a message. Picking it up I see a number I don’t know.
Unknown: Hey you, just letting you know I’m home. Mum is already fussing over me. Hope you’re behaving and not missing me too much. Helen.
I sit and stare at the message and read it over and over. Just seeing a message from her on my screen makes me smile. A few days ago, I was on the verge of wanting to end everything. I didn’t want to carry on. Now this woman makes me want to fight, that simple message means so much. Much more than I think she knows.
“What’s on the phone to make you smile like that, whatever it is I hope it here to stay. I haven’t seen that smile in a long time.”
I look up to mum and see her smiling back at me.
“Her name is Helen.”
Mum just gasps at my reply. I never talk about women to mum at all. I’ve never been interested in them.
“She was discharged today; we were in the same physio sessions. She broke her back falling from a ladder.”
Mum’s hand goes straight over her mouth in shock.
“Don’t worry she’s okay and should walk again. She just needs to build the strength in her legs again,” I explain. I look back down at my phone and wonder how I to respond to her.
Jenson: Glad your home, missing the noise you made when here. It’s too quiet here now. LOL.
I put the phone back down in the draw. Suddenly the doctor appears at my bed.
“So, Mr Davis, how do you fancy going home tomorrow?” he says picking my chart up.
“Yes, that would be amazing.” I answer him.
“Well looking at your chart, I can’t see why not. You’re making great progress. You will just have to come back three times a week to keep up with your therapy sessions.” I nod letting him know I understand. I can’t wait to get home, even if it is back to my mums for her to fuss over me.
“Thanks Doc.”
Nodding he places the chart back in the holder and carries on making his rounds.
“That’s great news son, so happy you will be coming home. Right I best get home and get everything sorted for you.”
“Mum please don’t go overboard, everything is fine.” I inform her, hoping she will listen to me. Doubt it though. Mum kisses me on the cheek, turns and leaves to go back home. I hear the chime of my phone and my heart skips a beat hoping its Helen. Picking it up I unlock the screen and smile.
Helen: Me make lots of noise, are you having a laugh?
Jenson: Good news, I am getting released from this prison tomorrow and yes you do make a lot of noise LOL.
Helen: That’s great news. Bet your mum is pleased?
Jenson: Yes, she’s already fussing and I am not even home yet.
Helen: It’s sweet, maybe our mums should meet and get out of our hair for a few hours?
Jenson: Maybe we should meet when I am on the outside?
Helen: Would love too.
Jenson: Will let you know when I get home tomorrow. Sleep well tonight in a proper bed.
Helen: Bye for now.
I place my phone back in the draw and lay my head back. I was never interested in having a girlfriend, but with Helen she makes me want to be a better person. I can see her in my future and even though it’s scary, it also makes me smile. Slowly I can feel the darkness clearing. I can see more light in my life and I have Helen to thank for that. She was the one who managed to break me down and help push the darkness away. Who wouldn’t let me just hide away with all the pain I was feeling. For the first time since the accident, I don’t let what happen take over me. I will walk again and I know Helen will be there with me, as I will be for her.
Epilogue
Jenson
Ten Months Later.
I stop and stare at the lake at my local country park, watching the ducks go by and having no care in the world. I breath a big sigh and lift my head to the sun. Twelve months ago, the worst thing ever happened to me. I thought at the time I was unstoppable, and nothing would stop me from street racing. I thought what was most important in my life w
as my car… how wrong was I.
Crashing my car in fact changed my life. t brought the most gorgeous woman into my life, but it also made me see what was more important.
Helen pulled me from the darkness that surrounded me. After having the crash, all I wanted was to end everything. End it all and not be here. I was angry with everyone, but I think who I was most angry with, was myself. I couldn’t see a way of continuing. I honestly believed everyone would be better off without a low-life like me.
Depression is something that not only makes you feel like the whole world is against you, but makes you feel like the world would be better off without you. It took the help of a very special woman to make me see that the world wasn’t against me. That I didn’t need to be angry at everyone, but most importantly, I didn’t need to be angry at myself.
What happened that day was just an accident; a silly accident don’t get wrong. Lessons have been learnt and I know now I will never race again. Getting back in a car is hard enough, but I am slowly managing that through more therapy.
Helen as I knew she would, has been by my side for the last ten months. I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for her. I owe her my life and I will spend the rest of my life loving her. Yep that’s right, I love that woman with my whole heart.
I stand here waiting for her to arrive. A small black box sits burning a hole in my pocket. Tonight, I plan on asking her to marry me. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous before, but honestly, I also feel joy at the thought of having her by my side for the rest of my life.
I promise her on this day that I will not let the darkness win again. I will spend the rest of my life forever in the light and Helen is always going to be my light.
I thank the lord that we came Crashing Together.
Escaping The Shadows Anthology: Shenanigans'19 @ The West Midlands Book Signing. Page 16
