by T. R. Graves
* * *
The misty, muddy day of hiking was similar to the day before, when we walked and stopped and walked some more.
Jayden was a man on a mission, and it seemed to me he could have walked forever. If it had been just the two of us, I'd have let him keep going. Unfortunately, Tawney and Gran had gone as far as they could.
I ran ahead of them and caught up with the Surrogate Soldier who'd not spoken a word since the morning. I slid my hand in his, an act that stunned him based on the way his attention snapped my way.
I offered him a lopsided smile and said, "Tawney can't go any farther, Jayden. Can we stop for the night?"
His eyes darted behind to Tawney and Gran. When their fatigue registered, he nodded. "Yeah. Sure. I-I just lost track of time. Have them sit down and grab some of those rations Gran has so carefully hidden from me. I'll get three tents set up. We're switching out guard duty so there's no need to set up four."
He was right. I bobbed my head and headed back toward my cousin and great-grandfather.
"What's wrong with Jayden, Carlie? I've never seen him like this. So… so intense," Tawney said.
Her exhaustion was obvious in the heaviness of her breath and the drag of her words, but her health wasn't her primary concern. Jayden's burdens were.
"He's just worried, Tawney. Dad charged him with taking care of us, and you know how serious he is about his assignments?"
Her head bounced. My explanation seemed to have appeased her.
"Gran, whip out some more of those meals. You and Tawney eat them. Jayden and I'll eat the jerky later while we're standing guard," I said.
"Carlie… everyone's had guard duty but me. It's my turn," Tawney mumbled.
I laughed. "You're exhausted, sweetie. Jayden and I are fine. We'll trade off tomorrow night. I promise." I lied.
A tribute to her fatigue was the fact that she agreed with my plan. She didn't even appear jealous that I would be spending time with Jayden that didn't include her. Under normal circumstances, she'd be inserting herself every time she thought we might be together.
While Tawney and Gran enjoyed cold cheesy lasagna and chicken teriyaki, Jayden and I teamed up and erected three tents. Almost as soon as we were finished, Gran and Tawney made their way over.
"Carlie, do you need me to help you put up your tent… or do you want to double up with me?" Tawney said innocently.
I glanced toward Jayden. I was silently pleading for him to tell her what the plan was and for him to do it in a way that spared her feelings. Tawney was brilliant and knew instantly what was not being said.
"Oh… I'm sorry. I see. I-I didn't know," she said, and there was no mistaking the tears as they pooled in her eyes.
Jayden intervened, stepping in front of Tawney. "It's not what it looks like. We can't sleep at the same time so I decided we could switch out, using the same tent, rather than waste our energy putting up a tent no one really needed."
Tawney reluctantly looked up at Jayden before nodding. She tried to pretend as though she believed there was nothing going on between Jayden and me, but her heart wasn't in it. I felt like the biggest heel in the world and wanted to beg her forgiveness. Not because there was anything really going on between Jayden and me, but because I couldn't stand the thought of hurting her.
The last thing in the world Tawney needed right now was a broken heart.
"Tawney… tomorrow night, I'd like it if you and Jayden stood guard. I'm going on three days with barely any rest. Tomorrow will be four. If you can stand it, I'd like for you to take a night so I can rest," I said.
Tawney smiled and nodded. "I-I'll try to save up some energy tomorrow, Carlie. You're right. You do need to rest."
I decided right then and there that Jayden's idea of flirting with Tawney wasn't a bad one. In fact, I was going to tell him to revisit it. Tawney had very little time. There was absolutely no reason for me to begrudge her the one and only person she'd ever loved.
A few minutes later, Tawney and Gran were nestled into their sleeping bags and sound asleep. For whatever reason, I felt relieved. I wondered if this was what it was like for parents whose toddlers had finally crashed after they'd spent a hard day catering to the child's every whim.
I wasn't comparing Tawney or Gran to toddlers, but I had been spending a whole lot of time watching out for them, anticipating their footsteps, and intervening every single time they tumbled or tripped. I had to make sure they were fed and hydrated. I had to set up their beds and take them down. If parenting was anything like this, I'd never be ready to mother children.
"What are you thinking about so seriously?" Jayden said after he slid down the tree and next to me.
"I was thinking what a horrible mom I'd be and how there's no way I'm going to take on the assignment of Eve," I said truthfully. "I mean, dear Lord, I worship the ground these two people walk upon, and I can only sigh with relief that they're asleep and I can stop catering to them… stop worrying about them."
Jayden glanced toward the tents. "Yeah. I know how you feel… Except for me. One of my charges is still kicking around. Why don't you sleep first tonight? I'm not ready to sleep yet. I need some peace and quiet to think."
I reached my hand over. "Jayden… there is nothing to think about. I'm going to do what Gran wants me to do. He's not spent the first day away from me in his life. If he's telling me I have to go ahead without him, he has a reason, and I'm sure it's a good one. I need to respect him," I said.
"I know. I-I just need to figure out how we're going to do this without getting caught," he said, and with his words, I understood he'd resigned himself to Gran's plan.
"So you've never met Thorne?" I asked.
Jayden's shoulders bobbed. "At first, I didn't think I had. While we were hiking today, I remembered him. He wasn't a bad person. At least, that's the impression I got.
"I've never met his father, but I've heard he's pretty ruthless when it comes to his research. There's only one person who's willing to try out anything he invents, and that's Thorne. Your mom and Gran won't try anything out on you unless it's been extensively tested on animals and primates. There's just something that can't be trusted about a man who is willing to put his experiments above his own child's welfare," Jayden surmised.
"Well, you and I'll get to know Thorne better pretty soon."
"I guess you're right. Now… I'd really appreciate it if you'd climb in that tent and get some sleep," Jayden ordered while nodding his head toward his tent.
I yawned and it reminded me just how tired I was.
"Okay, but I expect you to wake me in four hours. Understand?"
Jayden waved me away. "I understand. Go."
Climbing into his tent and crawling into his sleeping bag brought back memories of the night before, memories of him holding me tight and begging me not to leave him. Every cell in my body wanted him back. Wanted him wrapped around me again.
I fell asleep thinking just that, and I stayed asleep until something I felt more than heard woke me. The door of the tent was open and the light from the moon illuminated my tiny surroundings, illuminated Jayden as he watched over me while I slept.
There was nothing brother-sister about the way he was looking at me, and as soon as my lids fluttered open, he stretched out next to me.
"I didn't mean to wake you," he whispered. "I just thought I'd lie next to you for a while before I woke you for your shift."
I slid my hand into his, and when I did, he didn't pull away. Instead, he squeezed so tight that I knew how afraid he'd been for the last six months without us. I wasn't sure what all Jayden had been made to endure, but I was certain it wasn't good. I wanted to end the life of anyone who was sadistic enough to mentally or physically injure my Surrogate Soldier.
Suddenly realizing how much I'd missed him and his survival training, that I'd not been allowed until now to show him just how much I missed him, I flung myself into his chest and squeezed tight and shared the feelings I never admitted, much less voic
ed aloud.
"I missed you, Jayden. I was so scared for you when you didn't come with us. Why… why didn't you come? You should have come." I cried the tears that I'd swallowed back the night we left, the tears that had been plaguing me every day since. Hidden just below the surface but never released or shared.
"I missed you, too, Carlie. More than you'll ever know," he said, putting his finger under my chin and tilting my head up toward his.
Looking into his brilliant green eyes, I wanted him to kiss me, more than anything I'd ever wanted, but he didn't. He just studied my face, stroked the hair off my forehead, and squeezed me back into his chest.
"Sam would want me to keep protecting you. I'm going with you and Thorne. Wherever you go, I'm going. Do you understand me? Don't ever think I'd leave you again, because I won't. No matter what," Jayden said.
"Thank you."
We lay just like that. Neither speaking. Jayden's nearness had my heart racing and my face flushing, but I didn't move away from him until he was asleep. I only moved away then because I was worried I'd fall back asleep. The heat of his body was too comfortable and the rhythm of his heart too soothing.
It took some maneuvering to slip from his grip without waking him, but eventually, I'd done just that and was sitting just outside the door of our tent. I was watching out in the darkness and thinking about all the things Gran had told me today, about Jayden's confession.
"Carlie…." Jayden mumbled hours later from inside the tent.
When I glanced inside, I saw he was still asleep and he was having another bad dream based on the way he was holding his chest as if someone had stabbed him there.
I scooted inside the tent and leaned down toward him. "Jayden, sweetie, I'm here. I'm with you. Go back to sleep. It's not time for you to wake up…"
Before I could finish my sentence, Jayden had me penned beneath him and was kissing me like he thought he was about to lose me forever. My instincts at first were to push him off and tell him he was sleeping, but his kiss was so warm and wonderful. It was a million times better than using him as a pillow.
I could tell by the way he fumbled around that the normally graceful soldier was still asleep. I wasn't sure how ethical the kissing of a sleeping man was, but the grip he had on me, the way his hand snaked under my T-shirt and his palm splayed open on my back, rubbing up and down, felt too good to stop.
In a natural progression of things and because I'd been egging him on by kissing him back and letting him explore my body, Jayden rolled completely on top of me and slid between my legs. This may have been my first time in this position with a boy, but I knew exactly what Jayden wanted. I also knew he'd hate himself if he knew things had gone this far. Asleep or not.
I began gently waking him. "Jayden… sweetie," I hummed while he pushed deeper into me and kissed my neck near my ear.
I groaned because his every move was so suggestive and so welcomed that I didn't want to stop. This time, I shook him and whispered, "Jayden… sweetie."
At least, I did until he covered my mouth with his and slipped in his tongue, exploring places no other person ever had.
"Carlie," he whispered as if he were worshiping a god, and when he began thrusting against me, I decided for our best interests that I needed to definitely wake him.
I pushed him back and using a voice more stern than I'd used before, I said, "Jayden… you're dreaming. Wake up."
I fought his grip and knew the instant he woke because he stopped moving… stopped breathing.
