by Sarah Bourne
Number two, he would go to the staff drinks on Fridays after school.
Number three, he’d sort out the allotment. He and Frostie used to love spending time there, growing vegetables, pottering about in the shed, ‘Frostie’s Castle’ as he called it. Since she’d been gone he’d neglected it but perhaps it was time to go back. He’d been putting it off for far too long.
Number four –
He knew Felice wanted him to find a nice woman to go out with. She’d suggested online dating but Trevor knew he wouldn’t do that. Was he ready to meet someone else? He remembered the feeling he’d had earlier when he saw Felice and Liam looking at each other. He wanted that. Frostie had made him promise he would find someone else. Until now, the idea had made him immeasurably sad because if he fell in love with another woman it would mean he had finally accepted she had gone. But perhaps it was time to let go, or try at least.
He sighed and looked up. A Chinese woman was sitting across the aisle, looking out the window, chin in her hand. She looked sad but not as sad as the man sitting opposite him who he now noticed had tears running down his cheeks from beneath the heavy frames of his glasses. Trevor felt in his pocket for his handkerchief but his hand came out empty.
‘I was going to offer you a hanky, except I gave mine to a woman on the train this morning. Terrible thing it was – a suicide on the line and the lady was badly affected by it.’
The man looked at him. ‘Sorry?’
Trevor indicated the tears on his face. ‘Bad day?’
The man reddened and tugged a tissue out of his pocket. ‘Bad day – yes,’ he said quietly. He blew his nose and looked up. ‘I was on the same train – awful thing to happen. Poor bloke.’
‘It was a woman. A fairly young woman.’
The man shook his head sadly. ‘It makes one’s own problems seem insignificant, doesn’t it – someone taking their own life?’
‘Puts things into perspective, that’s for sure. I’m Trevor, by the way.’ He extended his hand.
The man shook it. ‘Ray.’
‘Well,’ said Trevor, ‘I can tell you the events of today have made me rethink my life and what I want out of it. A death can do that, can’t it?’ He wasn’t just thinking of the woman who had suicided.
‘I suppose you’re right,’ said Ray, then he looked down. Trevor took the hint.
The Chinese woman glanced over. ‘I was on that train too. It’s made me realise I have to embrace each day. Tell my parents I love them, fully commit to my girlfriend. Take pleasure in the little things.’ She smiled, dropped her chin into her hand again and went back to looking out the window.
Sitting in his seat, he thought about what the woman had said. What were the things that made his life worth living? Grief was his companion these days, the loneliness, the aching sense that part of you has been amputated, the silence in the once laughter-filled house. Even the fact he referred to it as a house rather than a home was a telling fact. His daughter was what mattered now. He looked at his phone to see if she’d texted.
Nothing. He sucked in his bottom lip and clamped his teeth down on it, took a deep breath. Should he call her or send another text? No, he had to give her time to respond, to calm down, to forgive him for his rudeness.
With difficulty he turned his thoughts away from his daughter and spent the rest of the journey going over his plan for the future. The Time After.
When they got to Milton Keynes he said goodbye to Ray and Mei-Ling who were also getting off the train and walked with more of a purpose to his step than he’d felt for a long time.
He opened the front door and was about to call out he was home as he always had but this time he caught himself and said nothing as he hung his jacket on its hook next to his wife’s and went into the kitchen for a glass of water. Sitting at the table, he took a long drink and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He wanted to tell his wife about his day and about the lady who killed herself, but he had a growing sense that if he continued speaking to his wife as if she was still there he’d never have room in his life for new friends. He didn’t have to forget her, but he did have to let her go, as he was learning to let Felice go.
I feel so small and helpless in this world sometimes, he thought, and looked out the window at the dark shapes of the trees in the starlit garden. But life is what you make it and I’ve got a few more years on this earth. If I don’t want to be a sad old grump and a burden on my beautiful daughter, I’d better do something about it. If that woman’s death has taught me anything, it’s that life is precious.
He jumped when his phone rang. Pulling it out of his pocket he saw Felice’s picture on the screen and was about to hit accept when he paused. What if she was calling to tell him she had chosen Liam over him, that his behaviour had been so out of line she wanted nothing more to do with him? He took a deep breath and answered. He had to know one way or the other.
‘Dad – it’s me.’
‘Starlight – sorry.’ He felt his eyes water and held his breath.
‘I just noticed your message. Did you get home okay?’
‘Yes. I’m here now, safe and sound.’
‘That’s good. Come again soon, Dad, okay?’
Trevor let out a long, slow breath. ‘Yes, Starlight, I will. Thank you.’
The Milton Keynes Bugle
Obituary of Judith Strasser
A well-known and highly regarded Milton Keynes businesswoman, Ms Judith Strasser, sadly took her own life last week. She had lived here for many years having been born and raised in Birmingham and attending Nottingham University from 1994 to 1997. She studied Psychology but made her career in property, becoming a successful estate agent in the area.
Ms Strasser never married and had no children but is survived by her mother, who still lives in Birmingham. Her colleagues were devastated at the news of her death, many saying they had enjoyed warm friendships with her over the years. None of them knew she was unhappy, let alone thinking of ending her life.
‘She hid it well,’ said Sharon Blyton who worked with Ms Strasser. ‘She was always so good at finding people their dream home.’
Deidra Kelly, close friend of the deceased, says she is in shock. ‘I saw her last week and she seemed fine. Just the same as usual. I can’t believe it.’
Ms Strasser had volunteered at the local animal sanctuary since it opened in 2001. David Heath, a co-worker there, says she will be missed.
Her funeral will be held in the chapel at Crownhill Crematorium on Thursday, 11th May at 3pm.
No flowers. Donations to the Animal Sanctuary.
THE END
Acknowledgements
Novels take a long time to write and even longer to revise. When you spend so much time with a project, many other people become involved in the process!
I’d like to thank my husband, Neil, for being a willing ear and an honest critic, my writers group for keeping me on the straight and narrow, and my beta readers for providing food for thought in the revisions.
I also offer thanks to New Authors Collective, in particular Michael Cybulski and Sue Anderson for helping me on the path to publication.
Ian Skewis was a thoughtful and encouraging editor, and all the team at Bloodhound Books have been fantastic and made the journey a smooth and joyful experience.
A note from the publisher
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