by Beth Reekles
I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten.
I couldn’t believe I’d blown off the bucket list for my relationship again.
I was the worst.
By the time I reached the arcade, I knew it was too late. The sun was already low in the sky, a few lights shone outside buildings or along the boardwalk, and families were leaving. And Lee—
Lee was leaning against the railing, staring out at the water. The arcade doors behind him were closed, the lights inside all turned out.
Panting, I skidded to a stop a few feet away, enough to catch my breath and remind myself that yes, 100 percent, I was the worst. And then I crossed over to him.
My heart was in my throat and there was a shrill ringing in my ears.
“Lee, I’m…” My voice came out scratchy and thin. I cleared my throat and tried again. “I’m so, so sorry. I promise I’ll…I’ll make this up to you somehow. I’m so sorry.”
He didn’t look at me, but he did lift his head in some kind of half-hearted nod, and I heard the small breath of dry laughter he let out.
“Sure. That’s what this whole summer was about, right? The bucket list. It was all about making it up to me. Well, forget it. Don’t worry about me, Elle. I don’t need it.”
“Oh, come on, Lee. You know that’s not what—”
“I don’t have anything to say to you right now, Elle. I waited for you for two hours. But hey, you know, it’s cool. I don’t have to guess where you were.”
My hand came up to squeeze his arm.
“I’m so sorry. My phone died at work, and then I went to find Noah and…well, he…we…um…Something came up,” I said. I knew if I told him now he’d think I was just looking for sympathy, and that totally wasn’t the case. “Oh, come on. Please don’t be mad. We still got to play a few days ago, right? And there’s gotta be other DDM machines around somewhere, if you really want to play.”
Lee’s head snapped toward me, looking so furious that I fell back a step, my hand dropping from his arm as if he’d given me an electric shock.
“Is that what you think this is about? The DDM game? What, do you think I’m five years old?”
I don’t know, you kind of act like it sometimes.
I bit my tongue. Right now was not the time for a snarky retort.
“It’s not about the fucking game!” he cried. “It’s about us! Our friendship! This whole summer, all the bucket-list stuff, I know it’s all been about trying to make me feel a little less like second best after you picked Noah over me. I knew this was how things would turn out. Since you guys got together, you’ve been saying I still matter, that you’re not putting him first, but the truth is, that was never going to last. At some point, it was going to be him. I just didn’t think it’d happen this soon. And let’s face it, Elle, if it wasn’t Noah, it would’ve been college, or work, or Brad, or Levi, or whatever! It’s been a long time coming, I guess.”
I stared at Lee while he ranted at me and felt my anxiety over upsetting him vanish completely. By now, my blood was boiling, because how dare he?
Was he serious?
He had to be kidding me.
And I couldn’t help but compare him, right now, to Noah. Noah, who didn’t want to hold me back, didn’t want me to put him first. And Lee, complaining that I didn’t prioritize him enough.
“Second best? Oh my God, Lee. It’s like you are five years old sometimes. You don’t think I know it’s not about the game? You think just because I had other priorities this summer that I care about you any less? School, college, work, Brad—you think I choose all that stuff over hanging out with you? You’ve never had to worry about anything like that. You’ve never had to stress over having money, or keeping up your grades, or looking after anybody else. You have had everything in life handed to you. So don’t expect me to stand here and say sorry because I had to get a job just to keep up with the bucket-list stuff and earn some money for college or because I had to take care of my little brother.”
Lee opened his mouth to argue back, but words seemed to fail him, which was just as well because I was still only mid-rant.
How dare he act so hurt over not being my sole priority? Especially when I’d been working so hard all summer to remind him how important he was to me.
And I couldn’t expect him to understand, not really. I knew that Brad was just as much a part of Lee’s family as he was mine, but he wasn’t Lee’s responsibility, and it wasn’t as though Lee had ever needed to get a job. Maybe I should’ve let off some of this steam a little sooner or tried to explain it to him better, but right now, the dam had broken, and everything was flooding out.
“You’re right,” I snapped at him. “This summer was about making it up to you because I was planning to spend the next four years on the other side of the country, but it was so much more than that. This was supposed to be our best summer ever, but guess what? That was never going to happen. We wrote that bucket list when we were little kids, and we can’t keep clinging to that! The arcade, the beach house, all those things that made our summers so great are going away, and we’re never going to get them back. But that’s life! That’s what happens! Things go away, and some of us have to grow up! This summer, I was just trying to make sure we wouldn’t have to grow apart!”
I stopped yelling at him just long enough to suck in another breath to say, “And for your information, Lee, you don’t have to worry about me picking Noah over you anymore, because we broke up. For good this time. And part of the reason for that was because he could see how much he and Harvard were coming between me and you—but Noah’s not out there being pissed at me for picking you sometimes or having a life outside of him. I’m sorry this summer didn’t live up to your expectations and that I let you down today, Lee, I really am, but just…don’t act like I’m sabotaging our friendship just because I have other things going on in my life. You’re my best friend, and you mean everything to me, but jeez, Lee, my whole world doesn’t revolve around you. Maybe it used to, but we’re not kids anymore, and you need to fucking grow up and realize that.”
Lee stared at me while I caught my breath. I was shaking all over and was horribly tempted to just throw my arms around him and hug him tight and cry it out, but I knew I needed to give him some space right now to get his head around everything I’d just said. I could practically hear the gears churning in his brain as his eyes flitted between mine. Lee gulped, letting out a shaky sigh. A few times he started to say something but stopped himself.
Eventually, he just sighed and leaned back over the railing again.
I joined him.
Our arms pressed together. His head tipped onto my shoulder.
“This summer really went to shit, huh?”
“Just a little,” I murmured back, resting my head against Lee’s. “I’m sorry I missed our last dance at the arcade. It was a genuine mistake. Again.”
“So you guys really broke up, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Was it because of Levi?”
“Weirdly, no. For once it had nothing to do with him. It was actually…an okay conversation. Not like the last time. I think…I think we’re done.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“I…” I nuzzled my head against Lee’s. “Not really. But I guess I’m gonna have to figure out a way to be.”
“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he told me. “And I’m not just saying that because my brother broke up with you and I feel sorry for you. You’re right. I have to grow up a little. I know I do. I’m just…finding it hard.”
“You’re forgiven.”
“What, I don’t get an ‘I’m sorry’ back?”
“You do not.”
He considered it for a moment. “That’s fair. But please never shout at me like that again, Shelly. It does not feel good. Even if I kind of maybe probably dese
rved it.”
“I think you kind of maybe definitely deserved it. Honestly,” I said, laying on the sarcasm now, “telling me I wasn’t putting our friendship first and something was always going to get in the way of it. You’re a literal five-year-old sometimes, you know that?”
“A literal five-year-old,” he deadpanned. “Are you sure you got into Harvard?”
Chapter Thirty-Three
The next two weeks slipped by in the blink of an eye. Noah spent most nights back at home with his parents or slept on the sofa if he did stay at the beach house; he might’ve been able to stay in Lee’s old bed, in Amanda’s room, but Lee and I had kind of ruined the mattress in a bucket-list prank that had seen it in the ocean, with an unsuspecting Rachel napping on top of it.
Lee had also let up on the bucket-list frenzy now, so I took extra shifts at work. Levi kept his distance and ignored my messages when I tried to get in touch.
I was glad for the space from everyone, to be honest, especially from Noah. It was rough, being so close to him and not being with him. I cried myself to sleep in our bed a couple of times, but having more time to myself (even if I was working a lot) did help me to come to terms with the breakup a little more.
I even went home one evening to join Dad, Brad, and Linda for dinner. And I helped Linda with the dishes afterward and stuck around to play Uno with everyone. And I laughed at her lame jokes. And I apologized to her for yelling at her over Monopoly.
Like a mature adult.
Amanda and Noah spent a lot of time together, and Noah helped out with most of the handiwork that we’d been putting off around the beach house—or that we found out Lee had straight up canceled, whenever workmen were supposed to show up. Ashton and his girlfriend came to hang out a couple of days, and the guys came around for a few movie and game nights, although Levi didn’t join us.
It was weird, how almost normal things felt.
It was a little delicate, but it was normal.
And I could finally breathe again.
Besides, Lee and I were down to about three things on Lee and Elle’s Epic Summer Bucket List, none of which would be as big or crazy to pull off as race day, so we’d have no trouble ticking everything off. (Really, how hard could it be to set up a line of dominoes through every room in the beach house? We’d already ordered a massive set from Amazon.) Without all the stress, and now that Lee and I had really cleared the air between us, I could get excited about it.
Then June broke the news one morning.
Amanda was back to see her parents for the day; Rachel was down on the beach with some of the girls. Noah was supposed to be fixing the pool filter (again), but June told him it could wait and called him inside and told Lee and me to take a break from the dominoes. She made us all take a seat in the lounge, which was when I knew it was serious.
I half wondered if it was about Noah’s and my breakup for a second, until—
“We’ve had an offer,” she told us, “on the beach house. And we’re planning to accept it.”
The three of us were silent for a long while.
It was Noah who broke the silence. “So why am I wasting my time fixing the pool filter?”
“It’s conditional on the fixing-up we said we’re doing,” June explained. “Obviously.”
“Obviously,” Lee muttered, and scoffed.
Sensing dissent in the ranks, June went into full army-general mode. She squared her shoulders, planted her legs firmly apart, set her jaw (I suddenly saw where Noah got it from), and placed her hands on her hips. A full-on Wonder Woman stance, with a stony look that lingered on each of us.
“We’re planning to accept the offer, and we expect the sale to be complete within the next two weeks.”
“Two weeks?” Lee and I cried.
“So I’m expecting this place to be spick-and-span. I’m going to need you guys to clear everything out and finish fixing things up. Okay?”
From the way Lee shuffled his whole body in his seat, grumbling quietly, and the scoff Noah let out, no, it was not okay.
My stomach sank with the news, too. We’d all been playing along with this stuff, letting contractors come in to fix the tiles on the roof, finishing some of the landscaping out back, but none of us had really been expecting this.
June cut us all another look. “Okay?”
“I’ve gotta finish working on the pool filter,” Noah grumbled. He hauled himself off the sofa to storm outside, pulling the doors shut behind him and pressing play again on the portable speakers he’d taken out with him that morning.
“Guess I’d better go get some boxes to pack up our cherished childhood memories,” Lee muttered, pushing himself up. He snatched his keys, kicked over some dominoes, and slammed the front door behind him.
June sighed, then looked at me.
“I suppose I should, um”—I ran a hand over the arm of the sofa before getting up—“get to work on the rumpus room. We never got very far.”
I didn’t get very far now, either, because June called after me as I got to the door.
“Elle, come sit down a minute.”
Heading back toward her, I joined her in the kitchen and sat at the counter while she made us both some coffee.
Great. Whatever this was, it was a conversation that required a coffee.
“I was really sorry to hear about you and Noah,” she told me once she’d filled two mugs and sat beside me. June put her hand over mine, giving me a soft smile, her strict demeanor all gone now. “He told me a couple weeks ago. I was kind of waiting for you to talk to me about it.”
“Oh. Uh, I didn’t…”
I’d just assumed Noah would tell her.
And honestly? I’d been trying to avoid this exact conversation.
“How are you doing, honey?”
“Oh, sure. I’m fine.” I returned her smile to prove it. “Fine” was pushing it a little, but I was taking it better than when I broke up with him last year. “I guess maybe I should’ve seen it coming. Even without the distance, like this summer, it’s not been smooth sailing all the time. But, yeah, I’m okay. Is Noah, um…is he…doing okay?”
June glanced away, looking through the doors at him. “He’s hurting, but if you don’t mind me saying, I think maybe it’s for the best. For both of you. College is a huge change. And you guys…” She clicked her tongue. “I think it’s fair to say things have gotten a little intense from time to time. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that you’ll both have a little space to figure a few things out on your own.”
Intense was putting it mildly.
But June seemed to know what she was talking about, and I didn’t really have much reason to argue—especially since I hadn’t fought against the breakup—so I just nodded.
“And obviously you know that, whatever happens, you’re always part of the family, Elle.”
“Yeah, I know. Thanks, June.”
She squeezed my hand again, and I bumped my arm against hers gently.
“And, Elle.”
Oh no. She was back in serious mode. What now?
“Do you mind if I ask you something?”
This had really better not be about Noah. I got the impression she was going to ask me anyway, but I nodded and said, “Sure, go ahead.”
“Do you really want to go to Harvard?”
I let out a long breath, surprising myself when it turned into a laugh. “You want the honest answer? I really don’t know. Noah made a pretty good point about me applying on a whim, and now I feel kind of bad about turning down Berkeley and Lee…”
“The thing is,” June said slowly, cautiously, “all this time you’ve talked about college, I’ve never once heard you say what you actually want to study, or what it was about a school that made you want to go there. I know Berkeley has ties to me and your mom, and obviously Noah was the
pull for Harvard, but I’ve gotta wonder if you only ever applied to the schools you did because that was what you thought other people wanted, instead of what you wanted for yourself. It’s all well and good applying for schools because of the people you love, honey, but loving Lee and Noah has nothing to do with what you want to do with your life.”
Berkeley had always been the dream school. It wasn’t too far away and it was where our moms went, and like Noah had said, it was where Lee and I had said we wanted to go as soon as we were old enough to know what college was.
Harvard, on the other hand, was anybody’s dream school. Shouldn’t that have been enough?
“Noah said something kind of like that, too,” I confessed.
She smiled, as if she wasn’t too surprised to hear it, and I wondered if they’d talked about it—about me—together.
“Maybe it’s time you start thinking about what you want, Elle. What you need. Figure out what you’re passionate about and pick a school that suits you. Everything else…well, you can figure all that out afterward. If it’s that important, it’ll work itself out.”
“You think?”
June gave me a wide, warm smile. “I know.”
I had to look away from her, hunching over my coffee instead. How could she sound so confident? I’d spent weeks—months—agonizing over college applications. I’d gotten myself into such a frenzied crisis mode that Levi had had to come and talk me down from it. I wanted to go to college, I knew that much.
But June had a point, just like Noah. I hadn’t applied to anywhere that I’d picked just for me.
Lee had already come to terms with going to college without me. Noah and I had broken up. Maybe it was about time I was really, properly selfish and picked something that suited me and the future I wanted and didn’t take either of the Flynn brothers into consideration.
Except…
“That all sounds like really great advice,” I told June, “but there’s one little problem.”
“What’s that, honey?”
“I have no freaking idea what I’m passionate about.”
